THE HUSBAND HUNTERS

by LUCY LAING

  ‘You jammy sod,’ I said, laughing and chucking a cushion at her. ‘You don’t have to live in a tent after all, and he’ll be whisking you off to all sorts of romantic places – perhaps even on honeymoon!’

  ‘It can be Butlins for all I care,’ Kaz said dramatically, ‘as long as I’m with him. Well, perhaps not Butlins,’ she added after a few seconds thought. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to the Caribbean. I might suggest it.’

  ‘I can’t believe you were in on all this,’ I said to Tash on the phone, when Kaz had gone home. ‘How on earth did you keep it all to yourself?’

  ‘I nearly let the cat out of the bag though,’ she admitted, ‘when I told you that Kaz shouldn’t judge people on their first appearances,’

  I laughed. ‘You are a dark horse; I can’t believe you planned all this.’

  ‘That’s what friends are for,’ said Tash, ‘especially ones who are in the HHC. I knew that Kaz and Adam would be great together – and he’s always been worried about girls in the past, whether they wanted him, or his money. Some of his previous girlfriends were only interested in the WAG type lifestyle, and he never really felt a connection with any of them.

  When he met Kaz he was attracted to her straight away, but when I told him about her wanting to find a rich man, he decided to pretend he was a poor as a church mouse, to make sure it was true love and not Kaz falling in love with his wallet. It was difficult when Kaz was so devastated about breaking up with him,’ she added. ‘I almost went round to see her one night to tell her everything, but I’m glad I didn’t – it has all worked out better than planned, in the end.’

  I had to hand it to Tash – she was the perfect husband hunter. What a victory for the club.

  **************************************

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  It was Soph’s hen night. We had hired a minibus to take us all to Blackpool and as we piled on, I had an awful flashback of the Fanny Wagon, back in Italy.

  Soph had insisted that we all wear nurse’s outfits, so I had squeezed myself into an extremely short, tight, white dress, which wasn’t the most flattering. Tash had managed to find a white PVC dress, which clung to her every curve. She looked like the stuff men’s fantasies were made of. I was almost tempted to take a picture of her on my mobile phone and send it to Nick – it would blow his mind.

  Soph was on a high, giggling as she handed around paper cups of champagne for the hour-long journey to Blackpool. She fished in her bag and produced a pair of gold tassels, which she swung seductively in the air. I groaned inwardly. They were the dreaded nipple tassels.

  ‘I know I had drawn the line at nipple tassels, but I changed my mind. Everyone has to pin them on to their nurses’ dresses,’ she shouted.

  For some insane reason, Soph had insisted on her hen night being the night before the wedding. I’d said I didn’t think it was a good idea, as it was likely that Soph would have a thumping hangover, but she had insisted.

  ‘I want to be as traditional as I can,’ she said. ‘I want to go and have my last night of fun the night before the wedding.’

  Heather the hairdresser’s daughter had also been dragged along for the night. She sat there looking as if she’d rather be at home watching Friday night telly, than sitting on the bus with all of us. Soph had insisted that Heather wear a nurse’s dress too, to get into the spirit of things.

  The poor girl seemed shell-shocked. The nearest she got to going out was the occasional bingo night with her mum and a crowd of OAP’s. She hadn’t been able to find a nurse’s uniform big enough, so her mum had made her one out of a white sheet. You couldn’t tell she was meant to be a nurse and ever since she’d got on to the bus she hadn’t said a word. Instead she’d stared round, as if we were from another planet.

  I felt a bit sorry for her. Kaz had dragged her along to test out the ‘Unattractive Friend’ theory, but looking at Heather, I didn’t think there was any theory to be tested. No man was going to look twice at Heather, whether we were there or not.

  ‘Do you want some more champagne, Heather?’ I asked kindly, holding out the champagne bottle. She nodded, almost fearfully, and I poured a generous glug into her cup. She needed loosening up.

  Two bottles of champagne later and the bus was driving down the front of Blackpool promenade. The lights were twinkling on the tower and the minibus pulled in outside one of the bars.

  The music was thumping and we all piled in through the door. It was like being back in Italy I thought, as groups of teenage girls who looked young enough to still be in school, teetered past old men who were openly leering at them. We turned a few heads, when we walked through the crowded bar, in our nurses’ uniforms.

  ‘Ere, love, I need my temperature taking,’ leered one lad, who pulled out his trousers, gesturing for me to put my hand inside.

  I gave him my best snooty look and headed for the bar. These nurses’ uniforms hadn’t been the greatest idea. We may as well be walking around with ‘Shag Me’ emblazoned on our foreheads. We found ourselves a table and sat down. Heather had chosen to stand up. I think she was so large that she was worried that the small wooden chairs wouldn’t take her weight. She stood awkwardly by a pillar, watching us all.

  ‘Which one of you is getting married?’ asked a lad, who introduced himself as Matt.

  ‘It’s me,’ slurred Soph, waving both her arms in the air. She twirled her nipple tassels at Matt, who nearly choked on his drink. She started to sing drunkenly. ‘I’m getting married in the morning.’

  Luckily the wedding didn’t start until 3 p.m., but it looked like Soph was going to still have a thumping great hangover, if she wasn’t careful.

  ‘Let’s move on to another club for a dance,’ shouted Soph. She started swinging her hips and sashayed over to Matt, who grabbed at her waist and started grinding his pelvis against hers. I grabbed Soph’s hand.

  ‘C'mon, then,’ I said, glaring at Matt. I was beginning to feel like Soph’s matronly chaperone. Even though I was wearing a nurse’s dress, I had suddenly never felt less sexy in my life. I propelled Soph out of the bar and the others followed me, with Tash turning heads every step she took.

  I had to admit that the girl oozed sex appeal out of every pore. Even in her jodhpurs and smelly sweatshirt mucking out the horses down at the yard she was sexy, but in that PVC dress, she looked like dynamite. She’d already had at least ten men drooling for her phone number.

  It was past midnight and Soph wasn’t even attempting to dance any more. I kept nipping to the bar to get her glasses of water.

  She was sitting in a booth with her head resting against the wall, and she kept slightly swaying. Her eyes were closing and I nudged her awake to have some water.

  ‘Have you seen Heather on the dance floor?’ said Kaz, coming up to the table and taking a slug of wine. ‘She’s going for it.’

  I looked round the corner of the booth and sure enough, there was Heather gyrating on the dance floor. I had to admit. She was the size of a baby elephant, but she certainly could dance. I watched her in fascination, her hips moving to the beat and she kept swishing her hair back over her shoulder.

  ‘A few drinks loosened her up,’ said Kaz, squeezing into the booth next to me. A few minutes later, Heather came bouncing up to the table.

  ‘I love dancing,’ she said, plonking herself in the booth.

  ‘I didn’t think you danced much,’ I said carefully. Kaz had said Heather went out once in a blue moon to the bingo hall. She hadn’t said that Heather could give a lap dancer a run for her money, with her sexy moves.

  ‘I dance in my bedroom to music all the time,’ said Heather. ‘And....’ she leaned forward conspiratorially, her huge bosom almost spilling out of the sheet that her mum had made into a dress, ‘men love watching me dance. I have a webcam in my bedroom linked to a website, which specializes in large women, and men pay to watch me. Can you believe that?’ she said, giggling and slurring her words a bit.

  ‘I would never dare do it in
public, but in my bedroom, well – it doesn’t seem to matter. I rake in £40,000 a year from it. It’s brilliant. I might even jack in my job at the call centre, if it carries on.’

  I heard a whoosh from my left side and turned to see a torrent of wine spurt forth from Kaz’s open mouth. Heather didn’t seem to notice as Kaz quickly mopped it up. Whoever would have thought it? Heather, who hadn’t been able to say boo to a goose and looked as though she needed to drop at least ten stone – yet, there were men paying to watch her dance. Heather got up and swayed over to the ladies.

  ‘It shows how you can completely underestimate people,’ I said to Kaz in amazement.

  ‘I can’t believe it either. Do you think she dances naked?’ asked Kaz. ‘I wonder if her mum knows. She might do that squashing thing too, where men get their kicks from being sat on and squashed by really fat women.’

  ‘Men are so gross,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘Women aren’t like that at all. Can you imagine if I said I wanted Rach’s dad to sit naked on me – you’d all cart me off to a loony bin.’ Rach’s dad weighed about thirty stone and the thought of it made me want to have an asthma attack. It was hardly sexy.

  ‘Shhhhh, she’s coming back,’ said Kaz as Heather heaved her massive bulk back into the booth.

  A dark-haired man approached the table. He was looking at me and Kaz. Now he was all right, I thought, sizing him up. He was about six foot and had dark cropped hair. He was a little bit weighty around the middle, but you could forgive him for that. He stopped at our table, and I gave him my best sultry smile.

  ‘I hope you girls don’t mind,’ he said, ‘but can I steal your friend away for a while?’ I looked at Soph, whose head was lolling against the wall. Her eyes were closed, her mouth was open, and she was dribbling a little. Surely he couldn’t mean her? I was about to tell the man no chance, that she was getting married in the morning – but he was looking straight at Heather.

  ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ he asked, holding out his hand. She took it and winked at us.

  ‘Of course, you can,’ she purred, as she heaved herself out of the booth.

  Kaz and I were speechless. We looked in disbelief at each other.

  ‘Did that really happen?’ Kaz managed to say. Tash came up to the table and looked at Heather walking away hand in hand with the dark-haired man.

  ‘Bang goes the Unattractive Friend Theory,’ she said. Kaz and I nodded. I don’t think I’d ever felt so unattractive in my whole life. A twenty-stone woman, wrapped in her mother’s bed sheet, was obviously sexier than I was. I wondered whether I would ever get a boyfriend. Probably even the eighty-year-old balding midgets wouldn’t look twice at me, and instead would prefer to be squashed in bizarre sexual games with the likes of Heather.

  ‘I think it’s time to go home,’ I said wearily. ‘We’ve got a wedding to go to in the morning.’

  I slept in until 12 noon the next morning, and then rushed madly round to Soph’s house to change into my bridesmaid’s dress.

  I expected to see Soph with eyes so puffy that she looked like she had been in a boxing match, but instead she opened the door for me, with a bright smile on her face.

  There’s no justice, I thought, as I followed her upstairs to get ready. I hadn’t drunk a lot last night, but I’d still had to take two aspirin that morning. Soph looked as rosy-cheeked and fresh-faced, as if she’d just come back from a morning jog.

  Tash, Rach and Kaz were already there. Rach’s mum was there too, holding baby Max, and Rach kept rushing to give him a cuddle.

  ‘Keep him away from your dress,’ Soph shouted. I had to agree. The dress wouldn’t look quite as gorgeous with a puddle of baby vomit on it.

  The other three were having their hair done, and I slipped into my dress too and went over to the mirror to do my make-up.

  ‘I can’t believe you are getting married, Soph,’ squealed Rach, ‘the first one of us down the aisle. It’s so exciting.’

  Soph’s mum was helping her into her dress. She did up all the little pearl buttons on the back and then she swung Soph round by the shoulders to face us all. We all gave a sharp intake of breath. She looked gorgeous. Her slim brown shoulders rose out of the bustier of the dress, and the folds of cream satin hung from her tiny waist. There was no doubt about it, she made a stunning picture. I could feel tears pricking the back of my throat, she looked so lovely.

  ‘None of you are allowed to cry,’ Soph said sternly. ‘You will ruin your make-up.’

  ***

  A few hours later, we all stood shivering in the vestry behind Soph, as the organ struck up the Wedding March. I could see her shoulders shaking with nerves, and I gave her hand a quick squeeze. ‘You’ll be fine,’ I reassured her, and she looked back at me, her eyes shining.

  ‘I know,’ she nodded, and we were off, slowly walking behind Soph as she made her way up the aisle. I could see Paul waiting at the bottom. This is what it could have felt like for me, I thought, looking at him in his dark suit. He was so handsome.

  ‘Bee – stop! Over here,’ hissed Kaz. I’d been so busy imagining my own wedding day, I’d nearly walked into the back of Soph. Kaz, luckily pulled me in line with her, and we watched as the vicar started to address the congregation.

  Nick was snapping away with his camera. Soph had asked him to do the wedding pictures, and he was taking his job very seriously. I was glad I was a bridesmaid today, rather than his assistant. It was so the easy option. Soph and Paul were standing facing each other, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes as they solemnly said their vows.

  ‘Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?’ asked the vicar. Paul smiled lovingly at Soph.

  ‘I do,’ he said. Paul slipped the slim, golden band on to Soph’s fourth finger, and then she took his hand and put a slightly chunkier one on his finger.

  Then the vicar asked that fateful question.

  ‘Does anyone present know of any reason why these two people should not be joined together?’

  I had to stifle a giggle. What if I shouted: Yes! The Husband Hunters actually found him for me, and she stole him from under my nose.’

  Kaz and Rach both looked anxiously at me, in case I blurted anything out, but I remained silent. Even if I had wanted to, I could have never have shouted that out in front of the entire congregation. How embarrassing that would be – one hundred and twenty people would know that I’d been ditched in favour of my best friend. No thanks.

  Then in a whirl of confetti it was all over. Soph and Paul made their way out of the church doors and into the wedding car.

  Tash was dabbing her eyes. ‘What a lovely service,’ she kept saying.

  It wasn’t like Tash to be overly sentimental. She must be hormonal, I decided.

  A few hours later, the speeches had been done and the wedding was in full

  swing. Rach was being whirled around the dance floor by Paul’s best man, and Tash was dancing sexily with Rob. I looked around for Kaz. There she was with Adam. They were gazing moonily at each other too. I suddenly felt quite alone.

  The club had worked out for everyone but me, I thought, taking a sip of wine and watching it all, as if they were characters in a film. Soph was married and Rach was happy with baby Max. Kaz and Adam looked as though they could give Romeo and Juliet a run for their money, and even Tash, whom we’d all thought was going to be impossible to find a husband for, was engaged to Rob. It was only me who hadn’t found anyone.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts,’ said a voice, interrupting my self-pity. I smiled forlornly at Nick, who had sat down next to me.

  ‘I was thinking that I’d set up this club, and how it had worked for everyone but me,’ I told him, gloomily. ‘I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself. The girls keep promising me that Mr Right will come along sooner or later, but the clock is ticking on.’

  ‘Perhaps you’re searching for him too hard,’ said Nick. ‘If you stopped looking, then you might find him when you least expect it.’

  ‘I should start g
orging myself on cream cakes, put on about ten stone, and then men will be falling over themselves to be squashed by me,’ I said. Nick looked puzzled. I explained about Heather. Nick laughed.

  ‘You’re perfect as you are,’ he said,’ starting to examine the photographs on the back of his digital camera. ‘I think the bride and groom will be happy with all these. I’ll have to get them all printed out this week.’

  ‘I thought you were going to London at the end of the week for your competition,’ I said. I didn’t want Nick to have forgotten about it.

  ‘I am,’ Nick said grinning. ‘I know I’m going to win it; I can’t wait.’

  ‘I’ll pick up your suit for you on Monday, if you’re busy,’ I said, thinking it would be the perfect opportunity to swop the suit.

  ‘Thanks, that would be great,’ said Nick. Soph’s mum beckoned him over to take a photograph of Soph with her two old aunts. Tash and Kaz were still gyrating on the dance floor.

  There was a sound of a chair scraping next to me. I turned round. It was Paul. I stared at him in shock, like a rabbit caught in the headlights. What on earth was he doing coming to talk to me? He sat down and turned to face me. For a split second I considered jumping up and running out of the wedding. I hadn’t spoken to Paul since that fateful day at the cinema. I’d seen him from afar, watching him say his vows to Soph from a safe distance. But I’d never actually spoken to him again. He looked so handsome in his morning suit, with his cravat slightly twisted to one side. Whatever was he going to say? I could feel my cheeks flaming with embarrassment.

  ‘I know this is awkward,’ he said. ‘But I wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened.‘ He wiped his hands on the front of his trousers. I could see he was nervous. It had taken a lot for Paul to come over and speak to me. I took a deep breath and felt my cheeks start to cool down. ‘Whatever you might think, it wasn’t something I’d planned to do. I’d had a bad day at the office and when you rang to see where I was, I made the decision not to turn up. You had let me down those months before, and I thought at the time that I’d get my own back and stand you up.’ He looked down at his hands, and twisted his wedding ring around on his finger.