Marked by Him: Rough Love Part 4

by Greene, Leighton

  He feels for Xander, although it’s completely bizarre.

  Ben gets a prescription for antibiotics and instructions on keeping his shoulder dressing dry and changed regularly. The doctor says little about the other cuts and marks over his body, except a brief, “These are fine. Keep them clean.” Maybe Xander really did do him a favor, Ben admits.

  All in all, it’s one of the most surreal experiences Ben has ever had in his life. “I really don’t want to see her again,” he says to Xander as they wait to get his prescription filled.

  “Neither do I,” Xander groans.

  “We might have to, though. Next time.”

  “We will never do something like that again.” Xander looks highly distressed.

  Ben takes a quick look around the pharmacy and threads his fingers through Xander’s. “Yeah we will,” he says. “And next time we’ll be better at it. And the doctor will be nicer to you.”

  Xander is shaking his head and trying to pull away, but Ben squeezes his hand. “So what are we doing after this?” he asks.

  “There’s only one thing we can do,” Xander says.

  * * *

  “It’s...yeah. I’m not sure how it’s supposed to help?” Ben says doubtfully. They are back in bed with a mountain of chocolate heaped on the nightstand. Xander has worked his way through a quarter of it already. Ben has had one bar and that’s enough for him.

  “Endorphins,” Xander says around a mouthful of candy bar. “Chocolate triggers happy feelings. God, I feel awful.”

  “Then stop eating so much chocolate,” Ben says sensibly.

  “No.”

  “Sleep for a while.”

  “What will you do?” Xander sounds forlorn.

  “Sleep too.”

  “I can’t believe I bit you like that.”

  “I can’t believe you won’t shut up about it. Seriously, Romano, put down the candy bar and sleep.”

  Xander throws his arm over Ben’s chest, avoiding the cuts and bruises as best he can. “I’m sorry,” he says.

  “You said no apologies before,” Ben reminds him. “And now you can’t stop.” He pats Xander’s arm awkwardly. His shoulder is aching and his mouth is still sore, but he doesn’t want to mention it. “Stop being a drama queen. It’s okay. It’s better than okay. I promise. Just go to sleep.”

  They wake several hours later. Xander has drooled chocolatey drool on Ben’s shoulder, which he wipes off apologetically.

  “Are you feeling better?” Ben asks.

  “Yeah.” Xander looks more like his usual self, less on the verge of a nervous breakdown. “You?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  Don’t start thinking there’s anything special there just because he kisses it all better when he’s finished.

  Horrifyingly, Ben feels his eyes starting to water. He turns over in the bed, mashes his face into the pillow. It makes his mouth throb and his nose hurt. Xander tries to rub his back and he physically flinches away from his hand.

  “Don’t touch me,” he says, and he doesn’t even know if Xander can hear him properly, but the hand is removed immediately. Ben struggles to hold on to the tears. You don’t fucking cry, Ballard, he tells himself. You do not fucking cry.

  After a few minutes he rolls back, gingerly pulling the sheets over his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he says to Xander. “I just didn’t feel great for a second.”

  “It’s okay,” Xander says, but Ben can see he’s upset. “It’s just the drop.” He says it like he’s only trying to convince Ben. He’s an excellent actor.

  “I smell like a hospital,” Ben says miserably.

  “Would you like to take a bath?”

  “Yeah.” It’s the best idea he’s heard all day.

  Ben unwinds the gauze from his chest and picks off band-aids, while Xander runs him a bath with stuff in it, which he says will help him relax. It’s fine by Ben, because he’d rather smell like sandalwood and patchouli than latex and antiseptic. He slides in gratefully, careful not to get his shoulder dressing wet. “Where are you going?” he asks, as Xander makes his way to the door.

  “You – you want me to stay?” Xander asks awkwardly. Ben nods. “Okay.” Xander throws some towels down and kneels on the floor. He crosses his arms on the side of the bath and looks at Ben. “This part tends to suck,” he says. “The drop.”

  “Why is it like this? It’s never been this bad before.”

  “We’ve never done something like that before. And you were really far gone last night,” Xander shrugs. His eyes look far away, like he’s remembering something.

  Ben splashes his face with the water, his lip stinging. “Did I say anything? Poetry things?”

  “No.” Xander trails his fingers in the water. Finally, he adds, “I don’t think you could. You were past that.”

  “Did you enjoy it?” Ben asks. Xander looks like he doesn’t want to answer the question, so Ben adds pre-emptively, “Honesty Policy.”

  “Yes.”

  “A lot?”

  “More than a lot. Not so much now, though.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. We don’t ever have to do anything like that again.”

  “No,” Ben says. “That’s not what I mean.” They look at each other, sadly. He pulls Xander’s arm towards him, rolls up his sleeve. “Wash me?” he asks. Puts a cloth in Xander’s hand and settles back against the cool ceramic.

  Xander is tentative at first, but it feels good. The hospital smell goes away and Ben finds the horrible tight feeling in his chest relaxing. “It was intense,” he says after a while.

  “Yes,” Xander says fervently. “Can you sit up? I’ll do your back.”

  Ben bends forward, his arms wrapped around his knees. He hears Xander’s sharp intake of breath and asks, “What?”

  “Your back. It’s...bruised.” He’s extra gentle with the washcloth, but Ben thinks it probably looks worse than it feels.

  The repetitive, soothing warmth on his back is almost hypnotic. So is Xander’s breathing, which has increased in frequency.

  “I think I need to sleep again,” Ben says after a while. Xander helps him out of the bath and dries him carefully, pretending to be clinical about it. Ben tactfully ignores Xander’s erection.

  Xander wants to put Neosporin on the cuts and scratches and something on his back too, but Ben refuses vociferously. Xander gives in, but insists on more Band-Aids and bandages. He dresses Ben in flannel pajamas, and Ben feels like he’s about five years old, but he’s not complaining.

  He’s on the verge of tears again before sleep overcomes him.

  * * *

  The next time he wakes up, Xander isn’t there, and it’s dark outside.

  Don’t start thinking there’s anything special there just because he kisses it all better when he’s finished.

  Ben sits bolt upright, ignoring the pains, and calls him. Again, louder, and there he is, appearing in the doorway.

  “What are you doing?” Ben spits.

  “Watching TV,” Xander says, sounding breathless. “I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to wake you up.” He comes over to the bed and sits next to Ben, but doesn’t make a move towards him. Ben looks at him, and his vision blurs.

  He gropes towards Xander, who immediately hugs him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Xander says, his voice tight. “I didn’t know if you wanted me to touch you.” His hands are pulling too much across Ben’s back, making it ache, but Ben just hugs harder in return.

  “Yes,” he says. “Yes.” He pulls Xander down on the bed with him.

  Don’t start thinking there’s anything special there.

  “What’s going on in there?” Xander asks, kissing his forehead after he’s rearranged them to a more comfortable position. Just because he kisses it all better when he’s finished.

  Ben is shivering, pulling Xander’s arms and legs over him, ignoring all the pains.

  “You said you thought you loved me,” Ben says before he can stop himself, and
his tone is anguished even to his own ears. He’s shaking as though he’s freezing. Xander pulls the blanket around him, tight as a burrito.

  “Yeah,” Xander breathes. “Yeah. I do.”

  “No. You said you thought you did.”

  “I do. Jesus Christ. I don’t have to think about it.”

  “Adam said – I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t get it out of my head. I feel like I’m going fucking crazy.”

  “What did he say?” Ben feels his heart breaking at the tone in Xander’s voice. “Tell me. What?”

  Ben can barely whisper it, and Xander has to put his ear close to his mouth. Ben says it again. He can feel Xander’s whole body go rigid.

  His fingers dig into Ben’s back, making him gasp at the hurt, but at least it’s real, at least it’s not that voice in his head. “Don’t you ever think that about me, about us, about this. Please.” Xander sounds like he wants to murder someone, until his voice cracks on the last word.

  “Tell me,” Ben begs.

  “I love you. I love you.” Xander kisses him all over his face, telling him in between kisses like a benediction.

  But after a while, Ben feels him tense up slowly as he thinks things over. Xander asks, “Why didn’t you tell me before, when I asked if there was anything I should know? Before all this? Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you were thinking about Adam?”

  “Because I – I didn’t want to hurt you. Because I love you.”

  * * *

  On the second day, Xander brings Ben breakfast in bed as though he’s an invalid. Ben eats the toast carefully, trying to avoid the side of his mouth with the cut. Xander’s face looks better, and so does Ben’s chest. The bite is still clean and healing up, but it itches. Xander slaps Ben’s hand away when he absent-mindedly tries to scratch.

  “What are we doing today?” Ben asks. “No doctors, right?”

  “No way.” Xander’s eyes go big. “Today we can do nice stuff. Like read. Do crosswords. Watch television.”

  “Did you suddenly turn eighty while I was asleep?”

  “No. I did spend a couple of hours regurgitating chocolate while you were asleep.”

  “Yeah, you kind of went to town there,” Ben nods.

  “Look, I’m sorry I –”

  “Don’t,” Ben says immediately. “Don’t apologize for anything. I’m sorry I freaked out yesterday. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what you needed to know, before. I won’t do that again. Next time, I’ll tell you everything.”

  Xander looks unconvinced, but just nods. Ben watches him when he’s not looking, thinking about the difference between this Xander and – the other Xander.

  He forks desultorily through his eggs.

  “Would you prefer something else?” Xander asks politely. Ben shrugs, winces at the pain in his shoulder.

  “Are Henry and Noah back yet?”

  “No, they’re still with Joe.”

  “Oh.” Ben raises a forkful of food and chews it, trying to look enthusiastic about eating. “Can they – can they come back today?”

  Xander says, “Um. I guess.”

  “I’d like that.”

  “It means Joe would see…” Xander trails off, and Ben ignores him. “Okay. I’ll call him.”

  Joe comes over mid-morning, on the way to a shoot, and looks horrified at the sight of them. “Jesus fuck, guys,” he says. “What the shit?”

  “It’s not like that,” Xander sighs, rubbing his face gingerly.

  Joe looks at Ben.

  “It’s really not,” Ben agrees.

  Joe rearranges his facial expression. “As long as you hugged it out after,” he says. “Looks like you came off worse, Xander. Nice work, Ballard.”

  Ben grins; he can’t help himself. Xander scowls, but he’s too busy petting a joyful Noah to retaliate. Joe lets Henry out of the carry cage and the cat runs to his favorite window. Joe doesn’t hang around long, sending out I really don’t want to know vibes while he’s there, and all the way down the stairs after himself when he leaves.

  Ben watches Xander play with Noah, who can barely control his excitement at being home again. Watches Xander’s hands, ruffling fur and tumbling the dog around until he’s barking in excitement. Watches Xander’s face, lit up with laughter.

  Ben breathes out, feels his lungs relaxing, and his muscles. He lies down on the couch, facing the ceiling, his hands under his head. Henry chooses this time to allow some human contact, and jumps onto his chest. Ben can’t stop his yelp, even as he clutches Henry closer.

  “Henry!” Xander snaps. “Off!”

  “No, it’s fine. Hi, little guy,” Ben says to the cat, stroking him. “Welcome home.”

  “He - he hurt you.”

  “He didn’t mean it,” Ben says softly.

  Xander looks down, scratches a chocolate stain off his jeans. “And what if he did mean it?” he asks slowly, gently threading his other hand through Noah’s fur. “What then?”

  Ben smiles. “That would be fine, too. It’s just in his nature.”

  When Xander looks back up with an expression of hope, Ben feels his heart jump. “What did I tell you?” he asks Xander.

  “I don’t know, what did you tell me?”

  “That I love you, you moron.”

  Xander laughs in surprise, blinks bright eyes, and rubs at them with the heel of his hand. After a second, he asks, “Did you steal that line from a Shakespearean sonnet?”

  “Ignoramus. It’s Walt Whitman.”

  “I could actually believe that,” Xander says. His eyes are still too bright. He pats Noah’s side, pulls him close. “I love you, too, Benjamin.”

  Next

  Loved by Him

  Ben Ballard has found his balance again after a difficult few days. Even better, he knows he has a boyfriend who loves him, a career that’s finally starting to go places, and a family that accepts him for who he is.

  The only problem? Said boyfriend, Xander Romano, has to move across the country to New York for work, while Ben is stuck in LA.

  And on top of all that, Xander’s poisonous ex turns up at his going away party…

  Will Ben and Xander be able to make sure their love sticks, even from opposite sides of a continent?

  Loved by Him is the fifth part of the Rough Love serial. Join Ben and Xander in their continuing odyssey of self-discovery, experimentation, and steamy fun as they work out the kinks together. Never fear - these two will get their HEA. It'll just take them some time to figure out what that happy ending looks like for them...

  Read on right now.

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