The Ideas Pirates

by Hazel Edwards

  Expecting the plaster gnome to shatter, Amy waited for the ‘crack!’ . But the gnome just lay on the floor, a white bit showing on its left foot as a slight chip fell off. Amy touched the chip. The gnome wobbled on its side, its face grinning as if it were playing a joke.

  ‘Oh no. My poor gnome. You’ll need a bandaid! That’s an idea. T shirts with bandaids!’ Fifi bent awkwardly to pick up the gnome.

  ‘Is that how you get new designs?’ Amy wondered if super glue might fix the chip. She had some in HER bag. Ever since she nearly stuck to the seat, she’d stopped carrying it in her back jeans pocket. ‘Would you like some of my super glue?’

  ‘No. No. No. Every disaster is the beginning of something new,’ beamed Fifi. ‘My gnome is still special, even with a chip missing.’

  She fumbled in her bag, found a bandaid and put it over the chip. ‘There! What d’you think?’

  ‘Here,’ said Amy in a friendly way, picking up the Singapore passport. ‘You don’t want to lose this or that’d be a disaster. You’d never get back into the country.’

  Mum would not be impressed by Fifi’s travelling habits. Mum made the twins wear their documents on leather straps around their necks. Amy felt for her leather bag. She pulled at the leather string. HER passport was still there! And her other money was safe in her bum- bag.

  ‘Thanks again,’ said Fifi rearranging her things. ‘I’ve lost my orchid pink lipstick.’

  More orchids! Amy decided Fifi couldn’t be a smuggler. She was too disorganised! And yet she ran a good fashion business, or so she said. Earlier, she’d explained to Amy about the high costs of designs.

  ‘Did you start your business in Singapore? Were you born here? ‘

  Fifi shook her head. ‘My Dad came from one of the Pacific Islands, but my mother was French. They met in Singapore when he was working here. Our family is a bit of a mixture. I’m lucky to belong to different places at the same time.’

  ‘That’s like us.’ Amy explained about the twins’ family. ‘Mum was born in Singapore but Dad comes from Australia. Now they work all over the place.’ Amy gave up trying to explain their frequent flying family.

  She held open the door to the LADIES, so Fifi could go in without dropping anything else. In the LADIES there were rows of combs, toothbrushes and paste for sale. You put money in the top, pressed the right button and then what you wanted fell out the bottom. Amy fiddled with the toothbrush button. Click. A toothbrush fell out. ‘

  Ace!’ Amy caught it. Someone must have left money in the machine by accident. That reminded her of the nature lover and the photocopier. Perhaps he’d made a mistake and left extra money inside. That’s why Christopher found the extra copy of the map. At the basins, Fifi was touching-up her make-up. Now the gnome sat on the ledge next to the mirror.

  From this angle, it looked like two gnomes. Fifi looked double sized too.

  ‘I started out as a model. I was very thin then.’ Fifi smiled at her reflection in the mirror. ‘I modelled on the catwalks of Paris. But then I married Gunter. He was a German chef. Gunter cooked his favourites for me. Like pancakes and strudel and noodles. And I ate them. I was very happy. I got bigger and bigger. So I started a small business selling unusual T shirts for large ladies ... and men.

  Fifi’s T shirts became world famous. Now I’ve got a problem.’ Fifi patted the gnome as if he were a live pet.

  Better than a designer spider or a pet rock, thought Amy. But not much!

  ‘Is the problem something to do with pirates?’ Amy collected answers as well as badges, stickers and telephone cards.

  ‘Pirates? Yes. Thieves have been stealing my T- shirts,’ said Fifi over her shoulder.

  ‘Where from?’ Amy imagined a thief outside a factory filling a get-a-way car with T shirts.

  ‘My head.’ Fifi’s wrinkles changed on her plump face. ‘Idea pirates have been copying my designs.’

  Amy was alert now. ‘ Copying what? The shape or the colour?’

  ‘My slogans. And my special features. Zips. Hidden pockets for carrying valuables. Perfumed shirts.

  They make Fake-Fifis. My designs are smuggled into other countries. They sell them, pretending they have my permission. They don’t. Now I am going to stop them!’ Fifi outlined her mouth in pink lipstick. Then she squirted clouds of perfume. Amy sniffed ,then sneezed.’ Achooo.’

  Fifi smelt like a flower.

  ‘Sorry darlingk. This is my favourite perfume.’

  Amy squinted at the label on the bottle. Something ORCHID.

  ‘Is your perfume called Slipper Orchid?’

  ‘No. It’s called FIFI ORCHID.’ Would you like some?’ Fifi pointed the sprayer at Amy who didn’t duck in time. ‘ Now you will smell like me, darlingk.’

  ‘How will you stop the ideas pirates?’ Amy wondered if she meant Jason as one of the ‘them’.

  ‘You’ll find out on this flight! Trademark owners , like me, put up security with Customs to protect our trademarks. I hold the Fifi T- shirts trademark. So if someone fakes my clothes and tries to smuggle them without paying duty, then Customs are interested. So am I. Customs tell me about the smugglers. They hold the goods and I can take the smugglers to court.’

  ‘Is that why you’re on this flight?’ asked Amy. Jason, the mobile -phone caller with all the shirts in his bag. Could he be an ideas thief?

  Fifi fumbled in her bag. ‘One reason. I’ve also just had a big fashion parade in Orchard Road. And I’m going to do another one in Sydney. ‘ She pulled out a spotted bow tie and put it on the gnome.’ Like it?’

  ‘Tee-riffic” Fifi nodded.

  ‘Customs have had problems with fake Reeboks, fake Levi jeans and Lacoste T shirts.’

  ‘...and Fake Fifis?’

  ‘Not as well known yet. Sometimes smugglers try to take thirty or so in their suitcases. They pass them off as personal luggage.’

  ‘Who are the smugglers usually?’

  ‘Small shopkeepers. Market stall owners. There’s been a bit of a run on perfume lately. Even my expensive Fifi Orchid has been copied.’

  ‘What can you do about it? ‘ Amy was feeling excited. ‘I’ll help.’

  ‘A smuggler-buster?’ Fifi laughed as she took off her jacket. Her Fifi T- shirt was printed in purple on pink. She was a little hard to miss.

  ‘What does this shirt say?’ Amy pointed to the purple words.

  ‘There’s a secret message, underneath!’ said Fifi.

  ‘What language is it?’ Amy could read some Chinese picture characters, but not these.’ Is it Asian?’

  ‘No.’ Fifi shrugged. ‘It’s a secret message. And it’s going to help me catch the idea pirates and their customers!’

  ‘Can’t be secret if anyone can read it!’ smiled Amy. ‘Does everybody read T- shirt chests?’

  ‘Yes. But not all think about them. ‘ Fifi laughed. ‘ The T- shirt thieves are in for a surprise. Could you hold my gnome, while I go to the toilet?’

  ‘No problem.’ said Amy accepting the gnome. He felt smooth, not cuddly like Edwina. She could understand that plump Fifi plus gnome might have trouble turning around in the narrow cubicle.

  Amy turned the gnome over. Instead of a hole underneath, there was a plug. Was something hidden inside? A gnome could be an excellent hiding place. What would be small enough to hide inside?

  Amy tugged at the plug, but it was firmly stuck. But there was a trace of white powder around the plug. Just then, she heard the toilet flush, and Fifi emerged.

  ‘Thanks for looking after my gnome. I’d hate to lose him.’

  Would Fifi hate to lose him or lose what was inside? Sleuth Amy was determined to find out!

  ‘Yuk, you smell strange,’ Christopher sniffed loudly when she returned to the lounge.

  ‘Oh,’ Amy sniffed herself. ‘It’s FIFI ORCHID perfume.’

 
‘Smells expensive.’

  Amy smiled to herself, wondering if ‘smell smugglers’ existed and how they would capture a smell.

  ‘We’ve got an unexpected request, ‘ explained Gloria. ‘The police have asked us to help. 100 grams of Fentanyl Citrate has gone missing.’

  ‘100 grams doesn’t sound very much,’ said Christopher.

  ‘This drug is very concentrated. A hospital was sending it by air. The drug is lethal. It is three hundred times the strength of morphine.’

  ‘What is it used for?’

  ‘It’s used on patients after they’ve had an operation. It’s broken down a lot...sort of mixed with other things because it’s so strong. Usually it can only be imported with the Health Department’s permission. ‘

  ‘Why are the police so worried about it?’

  ‘Deaths may occur if the drug is used wrongly.’

  ‘You mean it’s a good drug?’ asked Amy.

  ‘Drugs aren’t good or bad, it’s just what people do with them.’ explained Gloria.

  ‘When was it last seen? ‘ Sleuth Amy went into action. ‘What does it look like?’

  ‘The package went missing earlier today. It was being transferred from one airline to another. The

  Health Department and the Australian Customs Services alerted the Federal police.’ Gloria paused.

  ‘What does it look like? Does it have the name on the outside?’ asked Christopher.

  ‘No. The package is quite small apparently. ‘

  ‘How small?’

  ‘Approximately 21 x 11 x 12 cm. The drug itself is a white powder. It’s in a small container within the package.’

  Amy wondered if that was gnome sized? ‘What do we do if we find anything?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s very likely. But you never know. Anyone with information about the drug package or about anyone connected with its disappearance is to contact this number.’ Gloria fumbled in her pocket for the piece of paper with the phone number. She scribbled it down for the twins.

  ‘Here you are...It can’t hurt for you to keep your eyes open ... once you’ve finished the in-flight magazine

  Amy? ‘ Gloria winked. She knew Amy was a super-fast reader.’

  Chapter 7

  Bones Scam

  The aircraft was filling quickly. Carrying hand luggage protectively in front of them, passengers staggered along the aisles. Fifi was having trouble fitting between seats. Luckily she’d been given front seats with more leg room, near the basket ballers. Carefully she put the gnome on the seat alongside.

  Jason hurried past while her back was turned.

  He didn’t seem to want her to see him. But he could smell her. FIFI ORCHID was very strong.

  Smiling aircrew helped passengers hoist hand luggage into the overhead lockers. ‘There you are , sir.’

  Flight attendants all go to Smile School, Amy decided. Their hair was perfectly smooth and their unbitten fingernails had no chips.

  When they got inside the plane, Amy looked around for the bird-watchers. They were sitting up the back. Too far for her to overhear anything. Luckily their seat was near a toilet door. She could visit a few times.

  ‘Would a gnome count as hand luggage?’ Christopher watched as Fifi disorganised her belongings and plopped down.

  ‘If it has a seat of its own, it must count as a passenger.’ As Amy flicked through the in-flight magazine, she noticed her own bitten nails.

  A baby started to scream.

  ‘D’you think babies scream in English or Chinese?’ Amy tried to bury her ears in the pillow provided by the airline. Usually Amy liked babies. Sometimes she even wished they had a baby brother or sister.

  But Mum said twins were enough for any parents.

  ‘I must change my baby.’ The anxious mother spoke to the attendant. She meant change the nappy and Amy smiled wondering what would happen if the crying baby were swapped for another, silent baby or even for a gnome.

  Flicking the glossy colour magazine, Amy read the first page and tried to ignore the baby’s cries as it was taken up the aisle. Security had let Sebastian the spider man came on board . He sat a few rows behind the twins.

  ‘Did you know that deer’s antlers can be shaved?’ Amy said, looking up.

  Christopher imagined a picture of a deer with a beard being shaved.

  But that’s not what Amy was talking about. She showed him the in-flight magazine article , but Christopher just looked at the photos.

  ‘Where’s the beard?’

  ‘A deer doesn’t have one!’

  ‘What do they use the shavings for?’ Christopher was interested now.

  ‘Traditional eastern medicine. They’re smuggled from India. Some medicines have wildlife extracts in them - like monkey!’

  ‘Yuk.’

  As Dr Chung tripped near seat 13, something fell from his bulging bag. He bent down and put it back inside. Amy peered across but she couldn’t see exactly what had fallen.

  Christopher recognised Dr Chung from his black rimmed glasses. He always noticed glasses. Some were harder to draw than others.

  Dr Chung’s worn leather bag was full of bumpy shapes with the strap pulled tightly now.

  ‘Excuse me.’ He put it under the next seat and placed his feet either side.

  Then he sat back and closed his eyes, breathing slowly. A faint smell, not after- shave, clung to him. Christopher turned to the photographs of bones. He read the words under the picture.’ Tiger bone is used for stiff necks. The jumble of bones on the market stall photo looked very real.

  ‘What d’you think happened to the rest of the tiger?”

  Amy shrugged. ‘Don’t know. Might say on the other page.’

  She skimmed the page. ‘No. It’s just tiger bone.’

  Dr Chung eyes were closed and he breathed deeply. Perhaps he was meditating?

  ‘What’s tiger bone used for?’ asked Christopher.

  ‘It’s supposed to cure aches and pains.’

  ‘Aunty Viv has an ache in her neck.’

  Amy grinned. ‘She says you’re a pain in the neck too, Christopher Lee.’

  ‘Could we have your attention please!’ said the flight attendant’s voice. Dr Chung’s eyes opened.

  ‘Shhh. They’re going to do the safety bit.’ warned Amy as the screen lowered from the ceiling of the plane. ‘D’you reckon they use actors or real people in that safety video?

  ‘Actors. No -one else would want to look such a dag.’

  The twins watched as the safety video warned them about what to do if they crashed. In the aisle, the flight attendant pointed out the exits when the film voice got to that bit. She had her polite face on.

  ‘How many times d’you think she’s done that?’ As usual, Christopher was looking at the safety diagrams card in the seat pocket in front of him.

  ‘Millions.’ Amy watched through the window as the plane gathered speed for the take-off. The baby started to cry again. Amy’s tummy always felt empty and left behind as the plane went up. The plane levelled off smoothly, but her tummy still needed a lemonade.

  ‘Even Aunty Viv would like that take-off.’

  ‘Really cool.’

  Aunty Viv was afraid of flying. She always drove them to and from the airport in her Animal Actors van, but she avoided flying.

  ‘Look. The seat belt signs are off.’ Amy unclipped her belt. She pulled down her table. As the attendant walked past, she bent down and flicked a catch beside Amy’s seat. It was the one Dr Chung had tripped on.

  ‘What’s that for?’

  Christopher leaned across. ‘We’re opposite the safety exit. It’s a catch holding the seats to be pulled out when we jump.’

  ‘If we jump. But why does she flick it in?’

  ‘Because the drinks trolley won’t fit past.’
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  ‘Huh.’ said Amy. She wished she’d worked that out for herself. Someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned. It was Dr Chung..

  ‘Excuse me. My bag slipped under your seat during take-off. Something fell out. Could you give it back to me?’

  Amy rummaged under her legs. Her hands touched a bone. It felt smooth and like a human leg! But it was cold! At that angle, it couldn’t belong to Dr Chung’s leg! It wasn’t warm enough anyway!

  Was Dr Chung carrying bits of people?

  ‘Is this yours?’ Amy wasn’t sure what to do. Skeletons or stray bones weren’t usually hand luggage. Or even leg luggage?

  ‘Yes. thank you.’ Dr Chung accepted the bone as she passed it over the seat.

  ‘Do you usually carry bones in your bag?’

  ‘It isn’t human. It’s to show at my herbal medicine lecture.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I’m warning about the illegal use of fake tiger bone.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Christopher whispered. ‘D’you think he’s carrying a whole skeleton in that bag? How did he get it through the security scanner? Would a bone show up?’

  Amy shrugged. That bone had felt weird.

  Just then, the drinks trolley rattled. At home, they drank water. That’s one reason they liked flying.

  Soon, the drinks trolley stopped at their row of seats. ‘Lemonade please. Thank you.’

  ‘Tea or coffee sir?’ asked the attendant to the seat behind ‘It’s Dr Chung isn’t it sir?’

  ‘Hot water please. I have my own herbal tea bag.’ Dr Chung rooted around in his bulging brief case. The bone stuck out a bit.

  Amy turned around.’ What does herbal tea do for you?’

  ‘It depends which herbs.’ Dr Chung dangled a tea bag. ‘This helps with aches and pains, especially in older people, like me. I’m a herbalist. We use herbal teas, acupuncture and massage. The results speak for themselves. How old do you think I am?’

  That was a hard question. Dr Chung looked ancient. But if Amy said one hundred, he’d probably get upset like Aunty Viv when they called her an antique.