White Trash Etiquette

by Dr. Verne Edstrom, Esq.

  The good part is he’s a mama’s boy who’ll be easy to smack around when he squawks about your making hot dogs for supper sixteen days in a row. The bad part is he’ll be too sissified to teach your kids the valuable lessons of life, like how to sweet-talk the game warden when you’re four muskies over limit.

  It’s best to get a guy who’s been on his own for a few years. That way, if you clean every Christmas and don’t ash on the carpet, he’ll think you’re Martha Stewart.

  3. Does he work at a convenience store?

  Convenience stores is bad for two reasons. First off, he’ll only make six bucks an hour, which means a day’s work only buys a thirty-pack of diapers and a twelver of Grain Belt.

  Second off, convenience store clerks is always getting shot. What happens if you got a big night at the Legion Hall planned, the old man gets shot, and he ain’t home to babysit on time?

  4. Can he fake a decent back injury?

  A lot of women is attracted to stupid guys cuz they’ll believe it when you tell ’em stuff like, “If you don’t run to the store and get me some cigs, you can catch AIDS.” But he can’t be too stupid.

  Say your old man’s faking a back injury to score workers’ comp. But say his buddy, who’s a contractor, offers him a side job busting a concrete driveway, which just happens to be at the house of his caseworker, Reginald Grabowski.

  The first clue might have been the name “Reginald Grabowski” stenciled on the mailbox.

  But your old man, figuring there’s gotta be dozens of Reginald Grabowskis in Powell Butte, Oregon, keeps slugging away with the maul. Next thing you know, he loses the workers’ comp.

  Yet he ain’t smart enough to do the logical thing: Smash his foot with the maul, so he can get another workers’ comp scam going.

  That’s why you don’t wanna make no more than three babies with stupid guys. When you’re old, your kids won’t know how to scam either. They’ll be nobody around to buy you vodka and Lotto tickets.

  5. Is he a fat pig?

  This can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. Most women don’t like being married to a fat pig cuz it’s like sleeping with a walrus. If you was attracted to walruses, you’d probably marry a real one, on account of zoo animals don’t pay no rent and people throw food at you.

  The good part is, if your old man gets fat enough, you can use him for insulation when the heat gets shut off.

  6. Is he dainty?

  Does your old man spend more time talking about his hair dryer than his power tools? Does he put mousse in his caulking gun? Does he have problems saying who’s the points leader in the Winston Cup standings?

  If so, he’s probably a lawyer, which means he’s good at bilking old ladies’ trust funds, but he’d end up being a love toy for the Aryan Nation if he went to prison. The ladies at the beauty parlor won’t respect no woman who’s sharing her man with a 320-pound guy named Otis, so you’ll have to start cutting your hair with a hedge trimmer.

  7. Does he got manners?

  You can tell a real gentleman cuz he’ll always say something nice about your butt, no matter how big it is.

  Say he’s laying on the couch watching baseball. “Woman,” he says, “could you score me another brewski?” As you leave the room he adds, “Your butt’s so cute I should list it on the renter’s insurance as precious jewelry.”

  That’s class.

  But what if he only says, “Woman, grab me another brewski.” Then, as you leave the room, all he does is cuss out Troy Percival for giving up a two-out single. This here’s an example of no class, which means you should probably set him up with your sister. Then you can gossip about the moron she married at family get-togethers.

  8. Does he flirt with other women?

  This could be a sign that he’s hound dogging truckstop waitresses when he’s supposed to be at the strip joint with his buddies. Then again, a lotta ladies don’t mind their men having affairs cuz they’ll do less pawing on them. If it keeps the creep outta the house, all the better. Just make sure his ass is around when it’s time to shovel the sidewalk.

  9. Does he eat sissy?

  Say your old man wants to propose. He’s offering to take you to dinner, someplace classy. Naturally, you pick KFC. But all the way there he’s talking about saturated fat and cholesterol.

  Dump him.

  If he don’t like KFC, chances are he jogs and has a matching tennis outfit he hides at his ma’s house. If you marry him, he’ll be too dainty to defend your honor when your uncle paws your butt during the dollar dance at the wedding.

  10. Does he still brag about his glory days?

  Nothing worse than having an old man who thinks he’s an athlete. Whenever he gets drunk, he’ll be giving you the frame-by-frame account of how he won the rec league bowling title when he was fourteen.

  Worse yet, you’ll have to haul your ass to softball games all summer, making excuses to the other wives about why your husband couldn’t snare a grounder if it was a naked lady with a twelve-pack.

  Ten Tips for Keeping Guys Outta Divorce Court (at Least Till Next Month)

  Okay, fellas, this ain’t TV. Only morons figure they’re gonna score a total babe who can fry up a bass and hold a decent conversation about the New Orleans secondary.

  The way I figure it, shopping for women is like shopping for trucks. Sure, you want the extended cab with the brush guard, snow plow, and the heavy-duty suspension. But if you score half that, you’re doing pretty good.

  That’s why I got this ten-point checklist. If your woman passes five or more, it’s safe to pull the trigger.

  Now this don’t guarantee nothing. But according to the rules of White Trash Etiquette, you got at least eleven divorces before people start looking at you weird.

  1. Make sure she ain’t a pig

  You don’t want no wife who cleans like a drunk maid from one of them rent-by-the-hour motels. That’s why you gotta do research. Ask yourself these questions: Does she draw Easter decorations in the grease on the kitchen wall? Does she leave cig butts in the shower drain? Is the crumbs on her carpet thick enough to clean with one of them leaf blowers?

  If you’re answering yes, you’re gonna need a night job to pay for the maid.

  2. Make sure she don’t got a sister who’s way better looking

  Say you knock up your woman. Then, on your wedding night, you finally meet her sister from Kansas, who’s way better looking than the one you’re marrying. Next thing you know you’ll be trying to score with her in the garage at family gatherings. Romance ain’t real pleasurable with a Lawn Boy stuck in your back.

  What’s more, your woman’s brothers’ll get wind of it and beat you till you talk like a figure skater.

  Ask to see the family pictures before you get to knocking her up.

  3. Can she cook a decent steak?

  Nothing worse than working hard all month to collect the unemployment check, then having your woman make a steak that looks like it got cooked by an arc welder.

  It ain’t a bad idea to road test her on the cooking before you get to the wedding bells. Have her cook a steak after she just pounded a quart of Beam, or after you just got home with lipstick on your pants zipper and called her Lucy by mistake.

  If she can still nail the steak under these normal conditions, you got yourself a keeper.

  4. Can you whup her ex?

  The first time your woman takes her ex to court for being behind on the child support, he’s gonna show up at your place. What you gotta know is, can you kick his ass? And if you can’t, is it worth shooting him, seeing as how dead guys don’t usually pay support and you’ll probably have to get a job?

  5. Make sure she ain’t no temperance woman

  Say you and your buddies drop by the bar after work. And say one of ’em is celebrating because his daughter got outta prison. He wants to buy a round of shots. But you gotta pass, on account of your woman will squawk if you come home hammered for dinner.

  Pretty soon all y
our buddies is gonna look at you like you got naked pictures of Barbara Bush hanging in your garage.

  Never marry a woman who got less than two drunk-driving arrests. If she’s a lush herself, she may clean the liquor cupboard out, but at least you won’t have to apologize when you park the truck in the living room.

  6. Watch out for them woman’s equalities

  It’s okay if ladies want equal pay. Then they can buy rounds too. But there’s two things a guy’s gotta have total control over: the channel surfer and the power tools.

  If she don’t understand this, she’s probably from California. Unload her before you go fruity and start drinking wine that don’t come in a box.

  7. Is her hips sturdy enough for baby making?

  The last thing you want is some skinny lady who whines like a college boy during labor. Chances are she’s gonna cut you off at two kids. Which means the guys down at the plant’ll be calling you a wuss cuz you don’t have enough little shavers for a pit crew.

  Me, I’d take her to the doc and get her hips measured. If they ain’t baby-making caliber, get yourself one of them prenuptial agreements that says if she don’t give you at least five babies, you can trade her in for a real wife.

  8. Will she pork out on you?

  A lot of women start out skinny, have five or eight kids, then get to looking like a Coast Guard flotation device. If she thinks a two-pound bag of Doritos is a before-supper appetizer, you’re looking at some serious oatmeal butt down the road.

  The good part is she’ll be too fat to get a job as a stripper or have affairs with your cousins. The bad part is that making love will be like wrestling a giant Polish sausage.

  9. Does she got a union job?

  Union jobs is better than winning the lottery, on account of you can’t drink it all up in one night. If she’s good at earning and saving, you can stay home and play Mr. Mom.

  This ain’t as wussified as it sounds. Just feed the kids donuts and let ’em play in the street. Meanwhile, you can spend your days at the hardware store or watching reruns of monster truck rallies on satellite.

  10. Will she rat you out?

  Last thing you want is a woman who ain’t honest. If you get caught in bed with your aunt, she might get pissed and tell the cops about all them highway signs you stole for scrap aluminum.

  So how do you tell if she’s honest? Ask if she’d rather sleep with you or Billy Ray Cyrus. If she says you, dump her before she rats you out on that feed mill burglary you did last week.

  Okay, so I know you got worries about pulling off your wedding days. Say you got kin coming in from one of them cultural, cosmopolitan cities, like Mobile, Alabama, so you wanna show some class. Or say you’s getting married someplace in Texas, and you know the guests is gonna have more guns than a Hezbollah Fourth of July picnic.

  If you put on a bad show, your uncles is gonna start shooting at the church ceiling just to liven things up. That’s when the ATF shows up. A firefight breaks out.

  You’s gonna have a lotta leftover bologna if all your guests get shot and lose their appetite.

  So let’s fetch that mailbag and get down to the serious wedding planning. But don’t go a worrying. You’re trash. If you %&$@ up this wedding, there’s gonna be plenty more where that came from.

  Is Eloping Bad Financial Management?

  Dear Dr. Verne:

  I’m engaged to Rocco, but I haven’t told my daddy yet. He thinks Rocco’s a lazy ass and says if he ever catches me and him together, he’ll cut out his throat with a chainsaw.

  I tell him Rocco just got his GED and his old man’s getting him on at the sanitation department, but daddy won’t listen. I want to elope, but Rocco says that’s bad financial management, on account of we’ll miss out on all them presents. What should I do?

  —Shonda in Trenton

  Dear Shonda:

  This Rocco’s a keeper. He’s got smarts enough to realize no matter how big of a scumbag he is, the rules of weddings say your folks still gotta give you presents. And seeing how Rocco’s old man got a decent union job, you guys’ll probably be into the serious presents, like power augers and season tickets to the Eagles.

  Plus, it don’t really matter if your old man slices up Rocco anyways. That just means instead of taking him to the Eagles game, you could take that A&P clerk you been sleeping with. He’s probably got more money to buy you some beers and brats anyways.

  A Question of Class: Charcoal Gray or Powder Blue?

  Dear Dr. Verne:

  I’m marrying a handsome young man from Eugene. I know you won’t approve, seeing as how he’s from a dainty college town, but I love him just the same.

  Anyways, I been fighting with his mom about the wedding. She wants the groomsmen to wear charcoal gray. But I don’t want my man wearing anything you burn in a power plant or cook hamburgers with.

  I figure he should wear a powder blue tux. It looks way prettier, and will hide the barf stains if he gets too drunk.

  But since she’s paying for the wedding, she wants it her way. Bitch. I don’t think that’s right.

  —Tammy in Seattle

  Dear Tammy:

  Everyone knows powder blue is superior. If he was to dress up in some charcoal, chances are he’d get eaten by a pack of dogs, on account of they know that smell means good eating. But that’s what you get for consorting with a lesser class of people.

  What you gotta do is express your feelings. Let your mother-in-law know this is your wedding, and that she should shut her mouth or you’re gonna do it with a roofing stapler. If that don’t work, grab her by the hair when no one’s looking, and dunk her head in the toilet till she stops breathing.

  This is what feminisms call being assertive. If she ain’t breathing, that means she can’t do no talking. And that means you don’t have to marry no guy who’s dressed up like a hamburger.

  What’s the Seating Arrangements for Inbred Weddings?

  Dear Dr. Verne:

  I’m gonna marry my cousin Billy in August. Problem is, we don’t know which side of the aisle to seat the guests, seeing how both of us is related.

  —Mary in Fort Kent, Maine

  Dear Mary:

  Basic science says that none of your relatives is gonna have a clue, seeing as how they’re inbreds. I’d worry more about getting ’em to use the chairs instead of laying on the floor. Arm your ushers with some cattle prods just to be on the safe side.

  How’s a Guy Supposed to Stop His Relatives from Stealing the Silverware?

  Dear Dr. Verne:

  I got it made. I’m getting married to Sandy Bluderhousen. Her face ain’t that good, but she’s got a nice body and her old man runs the biggest construction company in Wyoming.

  Here’s my problem: Sandy’s old man is springing for a reception at the Super 8. But I’m worried my relatives is gonna steal the silverware. I don’t want Sandy’s old man pissed at me, otherwise he won’t give me one of them no-show jobs.

  —Louie in Casper

  Dear Louie:

  One of the hottest things in weddings this year is metal detectors. That not only keeps your relatives from stealing the silverware, it also keeps ’em from bringing guns, knives, and bats to the reception, which makes for fairer fights.

  The last thing you need is one of your brothers getting liquored up and stabbing your father-in-law when he turns him down for a job. According to wedding experts, whacking in-laws ain’t a healthy way to start a marriage. With metal detectors, you not only save on having to reimburse the hotel for all the stuff that gets stoled, but all the knife fights will be in the lobby, where they ain’t your problem.

  Who’s My Daddy?

  Dear Dr. Verne:

  I’m getting married, but my ma don’t know exactly who my daddy is. The way she figures it, it could be one of about twenty guys who used to hang out at Myron’s Tavern in Rockford in 1987. Which one should I ask to give me away?

  —Monica in Kankakee, Illinois

  Dear Monica:
/>   I’d use what you call your deductive reasoning here. You figure half of ’em gotta be dead or in prison, which knocks it down to ten.

  Then I’d knock out the two ugliest ones, on account if they’re your father, you don’t wanna know.

  Then I’d kick out the four that don’t got no money, seeing how what’s the use of getting a dad if he ain’t gonna give you nothing for your troubles?

  Now you’re down to four. Here’s where the picking gets easy.

  I’d tell ’em there’s an open bar and invite ’em all. The one who’s smart enough to drive all the way from Rockford gotta be your dad, on account of the other three’s too stupid to get down your ma’s pants if they ain’t smart enough to go where the free liquor is at.

  How to Hide the Fact That You’re Knocked Up

  Dear Dr. Verne:

  I be getting married in February, but I’m already in the motherly way, if you know what I mean. What wedding gown would you recommend for hiding pregnancies?

  —Lucy in Black River Falls, Wisconsin

  Dear Lucy:

  Seems you got two choices here. The first is to wear a normal wedding dress, on account of most people will just think you got a beer belly. That’ll tell your husband’s kin you’re decent, down-home people, and you like a beer and a steak just as much as the next guy.

  But if you wanna play this sneaky—which I don’t know why you would, cuz most White Trash women got a whole litter before they’re married—I’d think about going casual. Wear something with class, like your Arctic Cat jacket or a Packers jersey. This sends a message to the audience that you got a pioneering sense of fashion, and that you ain’t some moron who’s gonna blow sixteen bucks on a fancy wedding dress when it could pay for the whole first night of your honeymoon at Warren’s Motor Lodge.