The Truth About Toby

by Cheryl St. John

  He’d thought of it many times.

  He’d dreamed of it many times.

  But he’d tried living like other people. And he knew he couldn’t. His place was here:,

  Austin tugged his gaze from the mesmerizing fish and ambled back to his desk. He’d only gotten a couple of good hours of work accomplished this day, but he’d wait until later and try again. He needed his run and his workout to get him in sync.

  The music transported him while he used the weights. He slipped into sweats, grabbed a stocking cap and took off through the woods, Daisy at his heels.

  Daisy deserted him sometime later, but she often chased a rabbit or a squirrel, so he didn’t take the abandonment personally.

  The sky hung heavy and gray, a sure sign of threatening weather, though the temperature seemed oddly warm.

  He returned by his usual route, breaking into the clearing, and slowing as he approached the house. He opened the door and stared at Daisy in confusion. How had the dog gotten in?

  His gaze traveled to a familiar battered suitcase against the wall, the sight piercing him with a covert thrill he quickly tamped down. The smell of cooking stabbed him with bewilderment.

  He tugged off his cap and hooded sweatshirt, unconsciously running a hand through his hair.

  A familiar blond-haired boy sat between the two sofas, running trucks along the floor and making accompanying noises. A delightful rush of warmth spread through Austin at the sight of the child.

  Austin turned to the kitchen, and she stood on the other side of the divider, a hesitant smile on her flushed face.

  “We let ourselves in,” she said. “I knew where you were. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “No—of course not,” he choked out.

  “I’d have felt pretty silly, if you’d have had someone else here,” she said.

  “No one else has ever been here,” he replied.

  “I’m fixing us some dinner. You didn’t have anything started.”

  “Great.”

  “It’s macaroni and cheese.”

  “I haven’t had that for a while,” he replied.

  She shrugged. “It’s Toby’s favorite. Toby, remember Austin?” Shaine walked into the living room.

  God, she looked great. She wore faded jeans with a slit in the knee, and that innocuous patch of skin gave him a pathetic thrill.

  She perched on the edge of the sofa and rested her elbows on her knees.

  Toby looked up at Austin.

  “Hey, bud,” Austin said.

  “You give-ded me these trucks?” Toby asked.

  Austin glanced at the trucks and recognized the collector set he’d ordered from an on-line shopping site. “Yeah. Do you like ’em?”

  Toby nodded.

  “They’re his favorite toys.” Characteristically, she tucked her hair behind her ear. “Those and Bear.”

  “Bear’s in dat suitcase,” Toby clarified, stopping his play long enough to point. “Aunt Shaine will get him out in a minute.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Everything’s ‘in a minute’ now. I didn’t realize I answered him that way so often until he started saying it all the time.”

  Austin grinned at her obvious pleasure in her nephew. He couldn’t help his curiosity at her unannounced appearance. Why had she come? Did she plan to continue seeing him occasionally? “What day is this? Friday? Isn’t the inn busy?”

  “Audrey and Marge are taking care of the inn,” she replied simply. Her unhurried gaze moved over him.

  Self-consciously he looked down at his damp undershirt. “I’m going to go—”

  “Grab a shower,” she finished for him. “Supper will be ready when you are.”

  He hurried through his shower, disbelieving she’d come. What was she thinking? They couldn’t continue a weekend affair, her bringing Toby along as he got older. He couldn’t turn her down. He loved her.

  They ate, Shaine sharing stories about Toby, bringing Austin up-to-date on the Pruitts and their new son. Ignoring the dishes, Austin showed Toby the fish.

  Shaine peered into the tank, the bright blue background reflected in her eyes. “Did you order these from the home computer shopping network?”

  He hunkered down beside Toby and grinned. “No, I got them in Colorado Springs.”

  She raised her winged brows. “You went shopping?”

  “I have a friend who does woodcraft, and I wanted to pick out a couple of things.”

  “A couple of things being two rocking horses?”

  “You talked to Sam.”

  “Yeah. She was so excited about getting into the university. Did she tell you someone paid a year’s tuition for her?”

  “Really? Look at that big orange one, Toby.”

  “Yeah. An anonymous grant.”

  “That’s nice.” He turned and found her face inches from his.

  “Mmm-hmm. It would take someone really generous to do that.”

  “Think so?”

  “Or someone who doesn’t have a family or friends to spend his money on and wants to spend it on people he—cares for.”

  “Anything wrong with that?”

  “Not a thing.”

  “It’s not about the money. She’ll be able to get a good job and take care of Amy,” he told her.

  “It was an admirable thing you did for her, Austin.”

  Her hair smelled wonderful. He wanted to reach for a handful and bury his face in it.

  As if reading his thoughts, she straightened and moved to sit on his leather sofa.

  Austin showed Toby Daisy’s tricks of begging and rolling over. Toby laughed delightedly.

  “I think Toby had a dream the other night,” Shaine said, as they watched the boy and the dog play tug-of-war with an old sock.

  Austin looked up to see the concern on her face. “A nightmare? You said he was adjusting really well, and you’ve had him to a psychologist, right?”

  “Yes. She said he’s going to be untrusting for a while. He lost his mother and has been passed from stranger to stranger. I have to show him he can trust me. We’re going to wait on toilet training until he acts like he’s ready. She doesn’t think I should expect much of him right away. Then again, he could surprise us.”

  “You sounded like this dream was disturbing.”

  “Not to him.” She glanced at the boy and back. “He woke up in the morning and told me about his big doggie.”

  “Did they have a dog where he was staying?”

  She shook her head. “He talked about it several times, then not again until we got here. When we drove up, he saw Daisy, and shouted ‘My big doggie!’ like he’d seen her before.”

  Austin stared at her. “Do you think he dreamed of Daisy? Had you told him about her? Did you tell him you were coming?”

  She shook his head. “I didn’t decide to come until yesterday, and I never mentioned the dog.”

  They shared an amazed look. “Do you think he has the ability?” Austin asked.

  “I don’t know. You said you remember things from when you were very young. I’m almost afraid for him,” she admitted.

  Austin mulled over the probability. “It’s very possible,” he said at last.

  Toby rubbed his eyes. Shaine changed him into his pajamas and helped him brush his teeth. He fell asleep on her lap before the fireplace. She placed him on the sofa and covered him.

  Austin sat on the hearth. “It’s great to see the two of you together.”

  “Sometimes I’m afraid it’s not real,” she said.

  “It’s real,” he assured her.

  “I suppose I should do the dishes.”

  “I did them while you were getting him ready for bed.”

  “Oh.”

  She sat at the other end of the hearth, the firelight flickering across her shiny hair.

  He’d never have a better opportunity. “Shaine, why are you here?”

  She looked up at him, her heart stuck in her throat, and wondered if she had the courage to say the wor
ds. He could turn her down. He could laugh at her silly hopes. But somehow she didn’t think he would.

  She was tired of losing the people she loved. She’d fought for Toby, and she would fight for Austin, too, even if it meant losing. At least she’d know she’d tried. “You made a promise to me,” she said.

  He frowned. “What promise?”

  “That you’d teach me to turn this thing off.”

  His expression softened. “And that’s what you want?”

  She nodded.

  “Okay,” he said. “I’ll teach you.”

  Shaine nodded her satisfaction at his agreement. There would be time for him to see their love wasn’t a threat. She wouldn’t let it threaten him. If he’d thought it odd that she’d come, bringing Toby, he didn’t say so.

  “Okay, then,” she said. “We’ll be staying awhile.”

  His expression revealed nothing and her resolve quivered.

  “Have you been all right?” he asked.

  “Yes. Having Toby with me is...well, I can’t even describe how happy it makes me.”

  “Good,” he said softly. “I always want you to be happy.”

  Then kiss me,she thought desperately. Take me in your arms and let me know how much you want me.

  “How are the Pruitts and the new baby?” he asked.

  Shaine changed mental gears. “They’re doing great. Nick is so crazy about that kid. It’s fun to watch them together.”

  “I like Nick,” Austin said. “Both of them. Your friends are good people.”

  “Yeah.” She moved to get comfortable on the sofa beside Toby. She’d been up late the night before, getting ready for the flight. Waiting in terminals with Toby and hauling all his accessories around had worn her out.

  Austin brought her up to date on his interaction with Ken and the progress of recovering the children. He noticed when her eyelids grew heavy, and she snuggled down by her nephew.

  By the time he went for a pillow and returned, he had to raise her head and tuck the pillow beneath. His fingers lingered in her silky hair, stroking it back from her temples, and he admired the sweep of lashes against her cheek, the delicate bow of her kissable lips.

  Seeing her with Toby gave him great pleasure. She did seem happy. But she’d come back. Perhaps her new life still wasn’t complete.

  He didn’t dare let himself think it.

  He unfolded the lap robes and spread the blankets over the woman and child who made his log house seem like a home. Kneeling, he unlaced Shaine’s boots and gently tugged them off. Her brows rose, and she burrowed more comfortably into the covers, but she didn’t awaken.

  Austin ambled into his office and tried to work for a while, but couldn’t concentrate, not with her so close. Thunder rumbled overhead, peculiar for this late in the year. He shut down his computer and added a log to the fire to keep the living room warm. He watched Shaine sleep until Daisy wanted out, then he let the dog out and dried her coat off when she returned.

  Rain came down in earnest, now, pummeling the roof and the window panes. The wind gusted. If this turned to ice, Shaine would be trapped here for a while.

  The thought didn’t disturb him in the least.

  He had unperishables in the storage room downstairs, firewood to last, and a back-up generator. He’d been snowed in many times.

  But then he’d been alone.

  Austin walked to the window and looked out at the threatening weather. This time he wasn’t alone.

  Even the word gave him pause. Alone.

  It was the price he’d paid for putting distance between himself and everything, everyone.

  He’d been an oddity his whole life. His own mother had treated him like a circus act. He had volumes of legitimate excuses for his reclusive life. Tom Stempson understood. Ken understood. Shaine understood.

  All his reasons for protecting himself—avoiding the torture of being inside the victim’s heads; being repulsed by the thoughts of the perpetrators; fear of seeing and knowing when someone he grew to love would die—all those rationales were real.

  He now had the fairly reliable capability of turning off his psychometric skills. It was rare that he got an unwanted impression from an object, but it was a possibility.

  Predicting someone’s death was a possibility rather than a probability, too. Just because he’d seen his mother’s death, didn’t mean he’d see anyone else’s.

  He’d even wondered whether or not he’d be a good role model for Toby. Money certainly didn’t make someone a father. That took love and caring and commitment. He could certainly love the child and commit to him, but Austin had never had an example. Would he make mistakes as the boy got older?

  Or would he rather not take the chance at all?

  Was he cutting himself off because of possibilities?

  Which would he rather risk? An occasional ugly vision... a mistake here and there...or the certainty of the pain of being alone?

  Which would hurt more? A disturbing premonition, righting a wrong, or living the rest of his life without Shaine?

  These past weeks had shown him just how much he needed her. He’d thought he could return and pick up his life where he’d left off before she’d come, but he couldn’t.

  Maybe he was nothing but a big hypocrite. Maybe he did need to see the future to assure himself he wasn’t taking any risks. How pathetic. Nobody ever got to see how their choices were going to turn out, what kind of partner or parent they’d be. His unwillingness to take a risk only added to making him different.

  Shaine had become everything important to him. He remembered her bungling attempts at erecting her tent, her determination, her pride. He thought of the times they’d spent together, the sharing, the laughing, the loving. He envied her unshakable love for Toby and her sister, admired her relationship with her friends. She was far more courageous than he. She’d been willing to do anything it took to find and claim the child she loved, even if it meant looking like a fool...making mistakes...or failing.

  And he’d been a coward.

  A leaf blew against the window and clung tenaciously for a moment before the wind carried it off. Suddenly the security and privacy of the log house made it seem more like a prison than a sanctuary.

  He would forever be alone if he wasn’t willing to take the risks and ask Shaine to marry him.

  There was nothing he wanted more. Not privacy. Not a painless existence. He couldn’t quite picture himself living in the bed and breakfast in Omaha, but surely there was a compromise they could reach. He would do it. Whatever it took.

  When should he ask her? In the morning? After lunch? While Toby was napping?

  Nervousness skittered through him at the prospect. And something else...something more. A warmth seeped across his chest and settled in his abdomen...the strangest feeling. Not like a vision, but....

  Shaine.

  He turned and found her standing a few feet from him, one of the blankets wrapped around her shoulders.

  “Austin?” she said, her voice gravelly from sleep. “Is everything all right?”

  He’d known she was there, had felt her watching him. “Weather’s turning bad,” he said. “Looks like this rain will turn to ice and snow.”

  She wore a strange expression.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “You at the window. That was my dream, the dream I had before I ever knew about you. You were in such torment. I could feel your anguish. I’d hoped I had prevented that dream. I never wanted to bring you pain.”

  “You haven’t brought me pain,” he replied, even though the rock in his belly denied those words.

  “No?”

  “No.”

  “Getting you to teach me isn’t really the reason I came,” she confessed.

  He’d wondered. But he’d been too glad to see her to care why she’d come.

  Shaine admired his chiseled features in the scant light from the window. She hadn’t traveled all this way to chicken out.

  “There’s
something else I want, too.” Her heart hammered against her ribs.

  “Something I can give you?”

  “You can. I just don’t know if you’ll want to.”

  “What is it?”

  Shaine stiffened her spine and looked him in the eye. “I want you.”

  His expression flattened with surprise, then slowly, his brows lowered in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I want to marry you. I want you to marry me. I want us to be together. Always.”

  “But—” He looked hopeful and wary at the same time. “But you know I won’t leave here,” he said. “I can’t live like you do.”

  “I know that. It doesn’t matter.”

  “But your inn, your friends...”

  “My inn is a job, Austin. It’s a place, a house full of things. My friends are my friends, but they’d be my friends if I lived somewhere else, too. Toby is the only person I have to have with me. And you. And you’re here.”

  “You mean you’d be willing to live here?”

  She nodded. “I loved it here. I didn’t miss anything while I was gone. Except pizza.”

  He ignored her jest. “I told myself I wouldn’t love you, that I wouldn’t love anyone, because I couldn’t bear to love and know when something awful was going to happen.”

  “Because you saw your mother’s death in advance?”

  He nodded.

  “You loved her, even though she exploited you, and you suffered when she died. Everyone feels guilty and responsible when a loved one dies. Remember how horrible I felt about Jimmy Deets? And I didn’t even know him. You showed me I wasn’t responsible, and you weren’t responsible for your mother’s death, either. Austin you’re not God.”

  He shook his head sadly. “When I left you in Omaha I hadn’t realized that yet. Being me—being like we are—I tend to forget that I’m not entirely different from everyone else, and everyone loses people they love, too. You lost Maggie. I had a lot of time to think this last month. And I figured out that the only real certainty in life is death.”

  She braced her palm on the stones and leaned toward him. “Nobody ever knows how much time they’ll have together,” she said. “The important thing is what we do with the time we have between now and then. Do you want to waste what happiness we could have together worrying about something in the distant future that’s out of your control?”