The Sunburnt Country

by Palmer, Fiona

  When he pulled up at the bank he just sat in the car, staring at the faded sign stuck to the fence that read ‘bank manager only’. The red letters were peeling in places. With a deep shuddering breath, Daniel readied himself to go inside. He reached for his leather briefcase from the passenger seat but it wasn’t there. Then he remembered that he’d dropped it on the verandah by Ryan’s front door after Jonelle had run off screaming. His spirits sank further.

  Gemma was sitting at the teller’s counter. She looked up and offered Dan a cheery hello but her words couldn’t reach him. He walked into his office, locking the door behind him. He prayed Jean wasn’t around. He wouldn’t know what to say. Wouldn’t even know where to start.

  He sat at his desk, and dropped his head into his hands. Now what? he thought. He tried looking at the pile of memos on his desk but the words and numbers just blurred. He glanced at the phone. He knew he should probably talk to someone, but there was only one family member he could call.

  Automatically his fingers dialled. ‘Hi, Lynette. It’s Daniel here. Is John free?’

  ‘Hi, Daniel. I’ll put you through.’

  After the customary wait, Daniel heard the phone connect.

  ‘Daniel?’ came a strong, clipped voice.

  ‘Hi, Dad,’ he said softly, his vocal cords struggling to work. He hadn’t called John ‘Dad’ since he was sixteen. His father had insisted Dan call him John when they first moved into a house together after his parents divorced.

  John must have noticed too as the phone went quiet for a second. ‘Daniel? Are you okay? What’s going on out there?’ he added at the last minute.

  ‘Actually, something horrible happened today. A farmer I had a meeting with tried to commit suicide. It was awful.’ The words felt strange and distant on his lips, as if he were speaking a foreign tongue.

  John was silent; Dan could hear him inhaling deeply. ‘Look, Daniel . . . sometimes you’re going to come across these sorts of people. It’s not your fault and it’s not your problem. You’re there to do a job, one I know you can. Don’t let this affect your work.’

  It was such a typical response. Dan hadn’t expected anything else from his father, certainly not any questions about how Dan might be feeling. Or had he? He often wondered what his dad would do if he got hurt or if he tried to hurt himself. Would John rush to his side? Maybe if his lunchtime appointment finished early.

  ‘Okay, I’ll try. Thanks, John,’ he said, wearily.

  ‘Good lad. Oh, and they’re interviewing for the manager’s job down there, so it looks like they’ll have someone ready to start in January. It’s barely two months away. You’ll be out of there before the dust settles in your pores. Just push through, Daniel. It’ll be worth it. Look, I’ve got to go, I have another appointment. I’ll talk to you later.’

  ‘Bye,’ Dan said, but his father had already hung up.

  Dan leaned back in his chair, covered his face with his hands and exhaled. No matter what his father advised him, he couldn’t shut out what he’d seen that day. He couldn’t get Ryan’s pink face out of his mind, and Jonelle’s desperate cries echoed over and over in his head.

  He hadn’t expected that Ryan would be like him: similar age and build, handsome, but in a scruffy farmer way. He’d kind of imagined a short unattractive guy who would hang around a pretty girl like Jonelle.

  Dan sucked in a deep breath, feeling slightly nauseous. God he felt awful, as if someone had run him over with a truck.

  Work was impossible today. He hid in his office until it was nearly four o’clock, when he realised he might as well pack up. He put away his work, which was a collection of doodles and cars drawn on random bits of paper, and headed out through the bank. Jean stood in his path and it was too late to run and hide. By the look on her face, she’d heard the news already.

  ‘How are you, Daniel? It must have been awful. I just can’t believe Ryan would do something like that. He’s such a nice, sensible boy.’

  Dan hoped he might be able to escape if he simply didn’t speak, but Jean just kept on talking. ‘You look a bit beat yourself. You need a good healthy meal tonight. Why don’t you come over for dinner so you’re not home alone?’ she asked.

  He shook his head. ‘Think I’ll just stay home, Jean. Thanks.’

  ‘Well, if you need anything, do call. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  Dan slipped past her and out into the heat. He walked down the street, past the shop and up to the post office to check if he had any mail. Inside the old red-brick building a man in a well-ironed shirt stood behind the counter talking to an elderly lady in a large floral dress.

  ‘I know. It’s just dreadful,’ she said as she rested her walking stick against the counter. ‘I guess Debbie and Barry will be on their way back from Queensland now.’ She shook her head, her short grey curls wobbling as she tutted a few times.

  ‘I would think so,’ replied the postal guy. He stepped off to the side and returned with two envelopes for Daniel.

  Dan hadn’t even asked for his mail but the postie was onto it. ‘Thanks,’ he said. The old lady was giving him quite a glare. He wondered whether he’d ever get used to the country way and having everyone in town know your business.

  As he left the post office, he wondered how soon it would be before they’d be discussing him. He also wondered if they held him responsible for Ryan. Would this whole town be against him? Would Jonelle hold it against him forever?

  Back out on the street, he saw a man step out of the butcher’s shop. It was actually called The Corner Butcher Shop. It was an old white-brick building, with big front windows. The scent of cooked chooks filled the air. He found himself walking inside, clutching his stomach, which was suddenly rumbling with hunger. ‘Can I help you, Daniel?’

  He looked up into a pair of familiar eyes. It was Ken the ambulance officer, only this time he was wearing a different uniform, a white-and-blue striped apron over a blue polo shirt.

  ‘How are you going?’ Ken asked softly.

  Before Daniel could think up an answer besides ‘fine’, Rick came in from the back room, along with the smell of raw meat.

  ‘Hey, mate,’ Rick said. He gave Dan a smile before turning to Ken. ‘Dad, can I shove off early? Gemma’s finished work . . .’

  Ken shook his head in defeat. ‘Oh, all right. Go on, have fun,’ he said tenderly. Daniel wondered whether that kind of gentle reaction was triggered by today’s events or whether Ken was always this affectionate with his kid. Rick pulled off his butcher’s apron and disappeared out the back again.

  ‘Sorry about that. Now, how can I help you?’ Ken looked every bit how a butcher should look: big and strong, like he could wrestle any beast and carve it up with a knife. But his face was gentle and soft.

  ‘How is Ryan?’ Daniel found himself saying suddenly, instead of asking for the porterhouse. Asking about a client’s welfare was something his father would never have done.

  Ken leant forward on the counter. ‘He’s going well. He was very lucky. Much longer and it would have been a different story. A real blessing you and Jonny showed up when you did.’

  ‘Where is he?

  ‘He’s gone to Narrogin Hospital. They have facilities there that we just can’t offer.’

  In other words, he’d have access to a psychologist, Dan thought.

  Dan nodded and asked for a hot chook, paid and walked back to the bank. As he climbed into his car, he remembered his briefcase was still at Ryan’s. He’d need it tomorrow, but it didn’t seem right to drive out there and get it when no one was home. Not only that – he realised he was actually too terrified to go back there. He could ask Jonelle tomorrow if she could get it for him, or he’d just wait. Maybe the police would return it to him? Right now, he didn’t really care. Work seemed like the least important thing in the world.

  Chapter 11

  THE temperature inside Jonny’s ute was climbing and sweat began to gather on her forehead, but still she didn’t move. She watched peopl
e come and go inside the small country hospital in Narrogin. She had been born in this very hospital. Another five minutes passed as she fidgeted with the unopened envelope in her hand, its edges dirty and creased from spending the last two days in her pocket. Her name was printed on the front in familiar block print, the penmanship slightly shaky. How dare Ryan write her a goodbye note? she cursed silently. When she’d collected her mail from the post office and seen the letter, a wave of sickness had washed over her. That’s what Ryan had been doing at the post office, sending out his final farewells before going back to the farm to end his life.

  With a deep breath, Jonny stepped out of the ute into the warm breeze, pocketing the letter in her bright-yellow summer dress.

  Some people were getting out of a car a few spots away, a large bouquet of flowers in their hands. Should she have brought flowers? she wondered. Is that what you do for a guy? Is that what you do after a suicide attempt? Jonny raised her hand to her head, her thoughts giving her a headache. Ryan would have probably preferred a copy of the Countryman to read. Damn, she should have brought something. At least it would have been an icebreaker.

  As she made her way through the front doors of the hospital, she wondered what she should say to Ryan. She’d been so bloody angry at him but it just wouldn’t be appropriate to go in there and bust his balls, especially when she wasn’t sure how it would affect him.

  The receptionist gave Jonny directions to Ryan’s room. Stepping towards his door she bumped into Ryan’s dad, Barry, just as he was coming out. He was just like Ryan only he had more wrinkles, bushier eyebrows and less hair. His face lit up the moment he recognised her.

  ‘Hey, Mr C,’ Jonny said, giving him a hug. ‘Long time no see.’ He was like a second dad or a beloved uncle who smelt like Old Spice and plain soap.

  Jonny squeezed his hand, which only had two fingers and a thumb remaining after a run-in with some farm machinery about eight years ago. ‘It’s good to see you. I just wish it could’ve been under better circumstances,’ she said sadly.

  His eyes held so much emotion as his hand reached up to her cheek. ‘Oh, sweet Jonny. We have you to thank for saving our boy. I don’t know how we would have managed if . . .’ His voice fell away. ‘Deb and I will be forever grateful.’

  Barry blinked back tears.

  Jonny looked down to her thongs. ‘I’m sorry, Mr C. I knew something was up with Ryan. He was doing it tough and I should have done more, tried harder to get him to talk, or called you guys.’

  Barry took her by the shoulders, shaking her gently. ‘Don’t blame yourself for this, Jonny. Deb and I have already worn ourselves out feeling like that. We can’t change what’s happened. All we can do is be there for him now. Okay?’ Jonny bit her lip and nodded. ‘You know, they think he didn’t really want to die cause he did it when the bank guy was due to show up. They keep telling us that he knew he could be saved. He didn’t really mean it. He didn’t really want to die.’ Barry swallowed hard. ‘Anyway. Come. I’ll take you to him. He’d love to see you.’

  Jonny was relieved at the news. It would have to be a good thing, knowing that Ryan wasn’t a hundred per cent certain about ending his life. Another thought struck her. ‘What do I say to him?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t honestly know, love, but just showing up says plenty.’

  Jonny felt her pulse race as they entered Ryan’s room, but as she saw Ryan sitting up in bed, looking like he always did, she relaxed. His hair was all over the place as usual and he was no longer that awful pink colour. In fact, he looked the best she’d seen him in months. He was even wearing his favourite Metallica T-shirt.

  Debbie sat at the side of her son’s bed, knitting and chatting to Ryan, her needles clicking away with the blue wool. Debbie was tall and lean; she’d spent her life being Barry’s right-hand woman on the farm, so she’d always been fit. She was wearing three-quarter-length shorts with a singlet. The only time Jonny had seen her in a dress was for Ryan’s wedding, and she’d spent the day fidgeting like there’d been oat dust sewn into the fabric.

  Debbie looked up. She stopped mid-sentence and smiled. Like Ryan’s old smile, it was large and bright.

  Debbie threw down her knitting and stood up to embrace Jonelle. ‘Jonny, so wonderful to see you.’ Her hug was tight and full of emotion. ‘Jonny?’ Ryan’s voice sent a lump racing up her throat as she pulled away from his mum. She stepped closer, her hands clasped in front of her.

  ‘Hey, Coop.’ It was all she could manage. Thoughts of how close she’d come to losing her best friend sped through her mind. She studied his face, his strong jawline and his amazing blue eyes. He reached out and held her hands as tears rolled down her cheeks. His hands were warm and strong against hers and when she glanced back up at him, there were tears along his lashes.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Jonny.’

  He pulled her closer, until she was enclosed in his arms and she could feel the beating of his heart. She savoured every second that he was holding her tightly. She had so many things to say, so many questions to ask him, but right now none of it mattered.

  Barry cleared his throat and waited until Jonny had sat down.

  ‘Your mum and I are going to grab a coffee. We’ll be back soon, kids. Don’t trash the joint.’ It was the same thing he always used to say when they were kids.

  ‘They’ve been here the whole time,’ said Ryan moments later while adjusting his pillows. ‘I think they’re afraid to leave me alone.’

  ‘I’m not surprised,’ she replied, reaching out to hold his hand.

  ‘I feel so guilty that they’ve had to cut short their road trip on account of me.’

  ‘You did scare the crap out of all of us. You know that, right?’

  Ryan’s cheeks flushed and he hung his head.

  ‘I feel so bad. I never really thought it through. I don’t want to . . .’ He struggled on, ‘I don’t want to die. I just, I don’t know, I just couldn’t think of a way out of this mess. The thoughts just didn’t let up. I didn’t want to deal with it any more.’

  What could she say to that? ‘Nothing is ever that bad, Ryan. And it’s nothing we can’t help you sort out. I know you blokes like to think you’re all so tough, but it’s not weak to ask your friends and family for help when you need it.’

  Ryan sank deeper into his pillows and picked at the edge of the sheet. ‘I know. My shrink tells me the same. I’m a real basket case now. Even have my own personal shrink.’

  Jonny frowned. ‘Ryan.’

  ‘Sorry.’ He flicked the sheet away and stretched out. ‘You don’t have to tiptoe around me like my parents do. I’m fine. I just wish I could take it all back, you know.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I suppose I’m the hot gossip in town?’ he added after a while.

  ‘You know, they only talk because they all care. Everyone is worried about you. All my family send their love. Zac and Nae can’t wait to see you. We’re just glad you’re okay.’ Jonny reached for the letter in her dress pocket and ran her hand over the writing. With a deep breath, she blurted, ‘I haven’t opened this. I don’t want to know what’s in it. So you can have it back.’ She gave him his letter. ‘I’d rather you come talk to me.’

  Ryan smiled. ‘Thanks. Mainly it just says how much you mean to me.’ He saw her pointed look. ‘Yes, and from now on I will tell you that personally.’ He tucked the letter under his pillow.

  She tapped his wrist. ‘So you should. Any time, anywhere, I’m here. God, Ryan, I never thought in a million years that you could do something like this. You scared me so much. Promise me you’ll never do that again. Next time I might not be there to save your arse.’

  Ryan frowned, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. ‘How come you were there, anyway?’

  Jonny’s hand went to her heart. ‘For some reason, I just had a bad feeling, and earlier I’d seen you throw away your mail. It just didn’t make sense. Then I ran into Daniel, the new bank manager, and he said he was going to see you for
a meeting and I just knew I had to go.’ After a few quiet seconds she asked, ‘So what happens now?’

  He shrugged. ‘Take one day at a time, I guess. I should be discharged soon into Mum and Dad’s care and we’re going to stay in town for the rest of the week so I can keep working with the shrink lady.’

  Jonny’s gaze didn’t shift from his eyes. ‘Why didn’t you say something to me about the farm? Is it really that bad?’

  A heavy sigh. ‘Yeah. Having to pay out Alana in the divorce hasn’t been easy, and the bad years mean I’ve got no money to keep farming. I don’t know what to do. I have no crop to harvest this year and no money to plant a crop next year. What do I do, Jonny?’ His eyes were heavy with guilt, shame and helplessness.

  ‘I’m sure there’s a way out.’ Her mind had thought of nothing else the past few days. ‘Look,’ she said quickly. ‘Will you let me go through your books and see what I can find? See if I can help?’

  Ryan pulled a face. ‘If you really want to.’

  ‘Please, let me help you,’ she begged. ‘Two heads are better than one. And mine is so much better than yours,’ she teased. ‘I don’t want you giving up just yet. There has to be another way.’

  ‘Ha – well, it’s up to you. It’s all in the office and it’s a total mess. You’ve been warned.’

  ‘Thanks.’ A moment later she asked, ‘What do you reckon about selling your house?’

  ‘Sounds like you’ve already given this some thought.’ Ryan said. ‘Knock yourself out. I never wanted the damn thing anyway. But who would want that monstrosity?’

  ‘I’m sure we can find someone who’ll buy it. Even if it’s just enough to keep the sheep fed or buy some fuel for seeding until we can sort something else out.’ She leaned back against the chair. ‘So you’ll leave it to me? I don’t want you to worry about it, all right?’

  He must have seen the hint of fear on her face and heard it in her voice. ‘Ah, man. I’m so sorry to put you through this, Jonny. Will you ever trust me again?’