Beyond the Sand Dune

by Asen Djinah

  ‘Name and date of birth,’ the guard at the desk asked gruffly.

  As he spoke to give his details, he did not recognise his own voice. When he was made to strip off his clothes, he felt the guards staring at him. The young man nervously covered his private area with his hands under the sneering looks of the prison guards. The worst was when he was asked to bend forward on the table with his legs spread out. A guard with gloved hands roughly inspected his anus for concealed weapons, drugs or mobile phone. Karim had never felt so humiliated in his life.

  ‘If only I could turn back the clock,’ he thought in desperation, reflecting on his past life that had brought him to this.

  After he had been processed and changed into a prison uniform, Karim was given a blanket and a bag of toiletries. He was then taken to a cell where there was already another prisoner. To his relief, his cellmate did not utter a word or even look up when he entered. The young man just slumped over the vacant mattress and held his head in his hands. Only then the tears came, silently to his eyes.

  ‘What have I done?’ he asked himself for the hundredth time.

  He lost track of time as he cried and looked back on his life. After a while he was left drained and numb with no more tears left.

  The buzzing of the cell door as it opened brought Karim back to reality.

  ‘Dinner,’ his cellmate simply said, in answer to the puzzled look on Karim’s face.

  Karim did not move from his bunk. He was not feeling hungry anyway.

  ‘Hey fish, the sooner you roll with it the better,’ his cellmate said, poking him sharply in the ribs.

  Reluctantly, Karim got up from his bunk and followed his cellmate to stand outside like the other prisoners. The young man kept staring blankly ahead to avoid any eye contact with the other prisoners. When everyone was out and the cell doors closed, the guards ordered them to move in single file and make their way to the dining hall. As he waited for his turn to collect his food, Karim felt everyone’s eyes on him. He tried to remain close to his cellmate for support, but the latter moved away after giving Karim a fierce look to dissuade him.

  ‘Get away from me, fish!’ he hissed at Karim.

  No one liked to stay close to a new prisoner on his first day, especially someone as young as Karim. When his plate was filled, the young man stood with his tray, looking around for a place to sit. Seeing the hundred pairs of eyes staring at him, his legs started trembling and he felt faint. For the first time in many years, Karim prayed.

  ‘Please God, give me strength. Don’t let me collapse in front of all these men.’

  It was as if his prayer was heard, for a tall, bulky bearded man appeared from nowhere and towered over him.

  ‘My name is Sofiane. I look after newcomers and protect them from bullies. You can come and sit at our table if you wish,’ he said in a surprisingly soft voice, in sharp contrast to his stature.

  Karim felt he had nothing to lose.

  ‘It can’t be worse than standing here with everyone staring at me,’ he thought as he followed Sofiane.

  At the table a couple of prisoners shifted aside to make space for him. Karim looked around and noticed that apart from him, everyone at the table wore a beard. They were also wearing taqiyahs – prayer caps. Big Sofiane nodded and this was the cue for everyone to start eating. No one said a word as they ate in silence. After everyone had finished eating, Sofiane held the palms of his massive hands in front of his face and made a silent prayer of thanks. Everyone followed suit and Karim awkwardly did the same. Sofiane turned and looked Karim straight in the eye.

  ‘If you stay with our group at all times, no one will trouble you. Even your cellmate now knows not to bother you,’ he said.

  So for the next two hours before lockdown, Karim stayed with the group in the common area. He kept quiet and listened to their talks, which were mostly about religion.

  Over the next few weeks, although Sofiane’s protection made his life easier, Karim still found it hard to adapt to prison life. As Sofiane had said, no one troubled him. His cellmate did not speak to him unless Karim addressed him directly. To feel part of Sofiane’s group, he let his beard grow and prayed with his new friends whenever they were together in the common area. No one in the group asked him about his previous life or why he was jailed. Although relieved that his worst fears about prison life had not materialised, the loss of contact with the outside world hit Karim the hardest.

  ‘Should I ring home and speak to mama?’ he asked himself a number of times.

  But every time he picked up the payphone, he couldn’t gather the courage to do so, knowing that whatever he would say could never remove the hurt he had caused. When he was with Sofiane and his followers in the common area, Karim found it easier to cope. It was when he was locked in his cell that frustration and despair took over, since for the first time in his life he felt out of control. He had to follow the inflexible routine of prison life whether he liked it or not. Time passed slowly for Karim as he settled into his new routine. About a month after he first came in, Karim received an unexpected letter. With his hands shaking, he tore the envelope open. It was a short note from Kalil informing him that he and their mother would be visiting him the following week.

  ‘It’ll be good to see them. I’ll tell mama that I will leave my previous life behind and will be a good son from now on,’ he thought excitedly.

  The overjoyed Karim could not wait as he counted down the days.

  The night before the visit, Karim could hardly sleep, so excited was he to see his mother after so long. In the morning, he couldn’t wait for breakfast to be over. He was pacing up and down in the common room when a guard came to escort him to the visitors’ room. It was then that Karim started to feel anxious.

  ‘What if they ask me about the drugs? What am I going to say?’ he thought as he followed the guards.

  When he entered the visitors’ room, the three of them just stood there for an instant, looking at one another in painful silence. Stepping forward, Karim clumsily kissed his mother and shook hands stiffly with Kalil. Although he was happy to see his mother and brother, he felt ill at ease and did not know what to say. He could still see the look of disappointment in their eyes, although they didn’t say anything. They sat down in awkward silence on opposite sides of the table.

  ‘How long did it take you to get here?’ Karim finally asked.

  ‘We left early in the morning and drove for four hours,’ Kalil replied, relieved that the silence was broken.

  There was another long moment of silence. They had a few more insignificant exchanges about their neighbours and Kalil’s car, when Karim noticed tears building up in his mother’s eyes. He looked away as he did not want to see her crying. He knew that later on, when he would be alone in his cell, the sight of her tears would haunt him and drive him to despair. Now that he was settling into his new life, he knew he could not allow himself to have setbacks like this. Otherwise he would lose his sanity.

  ‘Is there anything you need that we can bring along next time?’ his mother asked when it was time to leave.

  Karim remained pensive for a while and then decided to be truthful with his mother for once. He took a deep breath as he gathered his nerve.

  ‘Mama, I have met a group of religious prisoners here who looks after me. I am doing my prayers regularly and can now see my mistakes. I am trying to turn over a new leaf. I realise how much pain I have caused you and I am truly ashamed of my behaviour. I promise that next time you see me, I will have turned my life around and make both of you proud.’

  Karim paused as he felt his voice breaking. He had to be tactful and not cause his mother to be upset with his next statement.

  ‘Until then, I don’t want you to visit anymore. I will find it easier to cope in my own way. I have built up barriers to keep me sane and to survive here. It would be hard to drop these every time you visit and today’s visit will knock me back for a long time. I would rather keep this world separate from our norm
al life. Please understand. I love you both very much. I will be on my best behaviour and hope to be out in three years on parole. God willing, I am determined not to complete my full sentence,’ he said at length.

  His mother looked at him with defeated eyes, without saying a word. In a way she was happy that Karim had, for the first time in many years, acknowledged his mistakes and shown a genuine willingness to change. And for the first time in a long while, she believed her youngest son. She knew deep down inside that he had finally returned onto the straight path and somehow she understood why he did not want to see them here in prison. But when she stood up to leave, she felt an overwhelming sadness in her aching heart at the thought of not seeing her baby for the next three years.

  Chapter 2

  Karim had reached Molenbeek late at night. It was over two weeks since he’d been released from prison and he had already missed his second appointment with his parole officer. By now the officer would have alerted the police, who would have sent a car to his mother’s house. Karim felt deep regret for putting her through this. Both his mother and Kalil would be shocked to learn that he had been released and had not bothered to return home or even contact them.

  ‘It cannot be helped, in the grand scheme of things,’ Karim convinced himself, to overcome his feeling of guilt.

  On the train journey he tried to keep a low profile, but his unkempt beard and taqiyah attracted attention from the other passengers. He could see people casting sideways glances in his direction.

  ‘It was good thinking on Sofiane’s part to suggest a change of clothes,’ he thought.

  He had gone into a charity shop and bought a pair of jeans, a grey sweatshirt and an old brown leather jacket for a few euros.

  ‘I wonder how the passengers would have reacted had I worn my long white thawb instead,’ he chuckled under his breath.

  As he came off the tram at La Gare de l’Ouest, he crossed the road and walked the short distance to the corner of Rue Nicolas Doyen and Rue de Bonne.

  When he saw the Café Le Metro, he knew he was in the right place. He didn’t have to wait, for as soon as he crossed over a man appeared out of the shadows and handed him a set of keys.

  ‘I have left written instructions and some other stuff in the flat. Make sure you destroy the notepad after memorising the instructions. The silver key is for the common entrance downstairs and the brown one for the flat. Flat No 3 on the first floor. Tu connais l’adresse? –You know the address?’ he asked.

  When Karim nodded, the man held out his hand.

  ‘Bonne chance. Don’t forget to follow the instructions to the letter. God bless you,’ he said before disappearing as swiftly as he had appeared.

  Fifteen minutes later, Karim was in front of the building. Fearing his phone might play up on him at the crucial time, Karim had previously memorised the directions from the café to the flat from Google Maps. Although it was dark, he made sure there was no one in sight before quickly opening the main door. He swiftly and silently walked up the stairs and saw that flat No 3 was on the left. There was no one on the landing and he let himself in. Dropping his backpack by the door, he made a quick tour of the flat. The apartment looked fairly dated, with faded floral wallpaper and old pieces of furniture. On the stained coffee table in the living room was a bundle of twenty-euro notes tied with an elastic band, a passport, a set of car keys, a notepad and a couple of restaurant takeaway cards. In the kitchen, the fridge was full of provisions, so there would be no need for him to go out for shopping.

  ‘If I don’t fancy cooking, I can always order takeaways,’ Karim thought, realising that his contact here in Molenbeek had been very thorough.

  In the bedroom, there were new clothes with their tags still attached, as well as a small, used suitcase on the bed. He put these away in the wardrobe and went into the bathroom for a shower.

  It had been a long day and Karim needed to rest. The green light for him to make his move could come at any time.

  ‘I must first get rid of the notepad before taking a nap,’ he decided.

  After reading the instructions several times and making sure that he had memorised them, Karim burned the two written sheets in the ashtray. Finally, after putting away the money, the passport and the car keys in his backpack, he went into the bedroom for a rest.

  ‘I hope I don’t have to wait too long in the flat,’ he thought as he snuggled under the duvet.

  Over the next four days Karim remained confined inside the flat, watching the news or praying or simply lying on the sofa, his mind blank. He now found it easy to clear his mind and think of nothing. There was a time when he would have felt restless, but his recent spell in prison had taught him how to be disciplined and maintain self-control at all times. Since his release, everything had gone like clockwork. Sofiane’s network seemed quite organised. They had left nothing to chance and had planned the operation meticulously, paying attention to the smallest detail.

  ‘Even if the police were to break into the flat, they wouldn’t find anything to incriminate me,’ Karim thought.

  During the day he would often peek through the curtains to watch the people in the streets below going about their lives.

  ‘I pity them. They are so attached to this material world that they don’t think and prepare for the afterlife,’ he thought, shaking his head in disapproval.

  From his time in prison, Karim had turned into a fastidious person, obsessed with cleanliness and tidiness. He took great care in keeping his prison cell organised and the few possessions he had were always neatly arranged on his shelf. He did the same at the flat, keeping it meticulously clean – which at the same time kept him occupied. The fact that the kitchen bin was full and he could not go out to empty it, bothered him very much.

  It was on the morning of the fifth day that Karim received the much awaited message. He was having his breakfast in the kitchen when he heard his phone beeping on the coffee table. As he jumped and ran into the living room to check, he nearly knocked his bowl of cereal off the table.

  ‘Your car has been repaired and is ready for collection,’ the text message read.

  It was the green light he had been waiting for. He knew the instructions by heart and was ready to set the wheels in motion. But first there was something he needed to do. Something he had not discussed with Sofiane, since he would not have approved. Karim wanted to leave a message for his mother as he felt strongly that she deserved to hear his last repentance. He particularly wanted to record the video message before he shaved his beard off. So he would have to do it now, here in Molenbeek before leaving rather than at the last moment.

  ‘It shouldn’t take long and won’t cause any delay,’ he reassured himself.

  Karim plugged his phone into the charger and wedged it between two jars on the kitchen table. He adjusted the position of the phone until there was a good shot of his face on the screen. He knew exactly what he was going to say; he had been thinking long and hard about it for some time. Happy with the setup, he leant forward and started the recording.

  ‘Dear Kalil, you are probably surprised to receive this video from me… By now, you and mama must have learned that I have been released. I have good reasons for not contacting you or returning home; I have caused both of you enough trouble already but most importantly I do not want to slip back into my old life. I want to make amends… Kalil, you and me, we were once very close when we were young. You were always looking out for me. I don’t know what happened to me, why I became so angry at everything in life. I don’t know why I resented both yours and mama’s advice so much that I would do the exact opposite. Forgive me, Kalil for all the pain I have caused you.’

  Karim felt tears coming to his eyes and had to pause and take a deep breath so as not break down on camera. He had to show that he was strong till the end.

  ‘You were the perfect brother, never complaining and always putting us first, yet I could not see it. I hated that you became mama’s favourite after abba’s death. My
bitterness prevented me from appreciating all you did for mama and me. You worked selflessly from morning till evening so we can have a good life, whereas I was thinking you were doing it to become closer to mama than me, to take my place. I resented you for that. I can see now how wrong I was. I would give anything to be able to do what you do for mama, but it is too late for me now.’

  ‘After you have watched this video, please show it to mama at a time you think is best. Once again, forgive me, dear brother, for my mistakes and the anguish I caused you.’

  Karim paused the recording. He desperately wanted to keep a brave face so as not to upset his mother. After a while he carried on.

  ‘Hello mama. When you visited me in prison, I promised you that next time we meet I will make you proud of me. Well, I was lucky to have met with good guidance in prison and I can now see all my past mistakes and the hurt I have caused. I know that you must be disappointed that I have not returned home after my release. I have given much thought about what I will do after being released and the one thing I was determined to do was not to fall back into my old life.’

  ‘Before abba’s death, the four of us were such a close-knit family. I remember how Kalil and I used to rush home from school to be with you and wait for abba to come home from work. I remember how there was much laughter in our house. I missed that so much.’

  ‘I remember one particular day, a few weeks before abba’s car accident. We were in the living room and had just finished watching a film. As a joke you said you were so tired that you wished someone could carry you to bed. Abba picked you up in his arms. You started laughing and protested for him to put you down. But I could see that you were enjoying the attention. Kalil and I followed abba, laughing as he carried you up the stairs. Actually mama, I have not seen you laugh again since that day… When abba passed away, you became sad whilst I became angry. That anger somehow stayed with me, causing you much grief and anguish. Please forgive me, ma. I am terribly sorry for the pain I caused you.’