An Ocean Apart

by Gillian Chan

  Canadians came down to watch the fireworks and procession with the fierce dragon dance. It was very fine. I saw many strange faces and some familiar ones too. Bess was there with Liam and his fiancée, but no Declan. She waved but did not come over. This made me happy but a little puzzled. Was she ashamed that I am her friend? I did not ask her at school on Friday. Perhaps the answer is one that would hurt too much. Declan I saw too, but later — he was with Ivor and a gang of big boys. They were running, jostling people and laughing. I shrank back inside the doorway. I did not want them to see me.

  Our meal was also a good one. Wong Bak prepared many delicacies. I feared that Miss MacDonald would find them strange, but no, she tried a little of everything that I offered her — this was my duty as her hostess. I do not think she liked the whole fish. She shuddered a little when Wong Bak and Mr. Chee pretended to argue over who should eat its head. As oldest, it came to Mr. Chee, and he ate it with much lip smacking! My mind could not be still through this time. I watched Miss MacDonald and Baba and my uncles and no one was at ease — not even Baba, who works each day for a lady who is very like Miss MacDonald. Talking was little, and very polite about things that do not matter. Miss MacDonald asked some questions about where Baba and Tsung Sook worked, but Baba’s answers were very short. She went red, and talked of China instead and her plans to go there. There were many silences and I felt too shy to fill them, especially when Miss MacDonald praised me to Baba, telling him that my school work was very good. That was the only time my Baba smiled that night. I am happy to have made him proud.

  Today we have talked of New Year and Miss MacDonald. I was filled with flutters of fear when Baba started this talk, fearful that he did not approve now that he had met her. She does make him uncomfortable, that I see, perhaps because she is very bold, but he told me that I am lucky to have been befriended by her. This made me calm inside. My time with her is a jewel in my day and I would not like to lose it. He only asked me to beware a little, beware that she might make grand plans that do not allow for who I really am. I do not understand what he fears.

  Oh, it is nearly time to leave for the restaurant, and I have not told of my great good fortune. I am a rich girl. On Friday I was given two lucky red envelopes with money in them! Baba I knew would have one for me, though it pained me to think that it is money not saved. I told him so, and tried to give it back, but he just smiled and closed my hand over it. Then when I took Lily home after school, Mrs. Lee gave me one too. This I did not expect. They each had a 25¢ note in them! I shall think hard on what I might buy. Perhaps Bess will have ideas.

  Tuesday, February 20

  Bess had so many ideas that my mind is whirling. My 50¢ is not enough to buy clothes, but Bess told me about 1¢ sales at the Rexall. Can such a thing be true? What would I buy? I could maybe buy little things, as gifts for the people I love: for Baba I would buy a book, maybe from the White Lamb bookstore. Oh, and maybe I could even buy a toy, just a small one, for my brother for when he and Ma come. Ma is difficult to choose for, but a nice bar of soap might please her. Bess had one idea that made me feel very excited — the cinema! I have never been to the cinema and I would love to go. Bess hasn’t either, but I hear the others at school talk about it, and it sounds like magic — to sit in a big, dark room and be whirled away to another place or even another time by the pictures on the screen. Bess tells me that children are ten cents to get in. If I could go I would take her too. I would share my good fortune, and still have money left to buy treats for others. Is this an impossible dream? Will Baba allow such a thing?

  Wednesday, February 21

  I wish Bess had not put the cinema in my thoughts. It is like a light that shines all the time. I want to see it so badly. After our lessons today I asked Miss MacDonald about it. My cheeks felt hot, because she did not understand me, and thought I wanted her to take me! I explained that no, I had money from New Year and wondered if it was a suitable thing for me to do. She laughed and said that she didn’t see why not, as long as I didn’t see something trashy. I do not know what trashy means. She looked in the paper and told me that Oliver Twist was playing. I know Oliver Twist. This is a book we read in class. There was much in it I did not understand.

  Miss MacDonald said it would not be good to go alone, and smiled when I told her that if my Baba let me go I would go with Bess, perhaps this Saturday. Miss MacDonald is very kind, and asked if Bess and I would take tea with her after. This would be very fine for both of us.

  Friday, February 23

  We are going! I asked Baba carefully, telling him that the film was of a school book, and that I would go with a school friend. He did not even think much. This surprised me. He said that if I was careful and respectful then I may go. My face must have showed my surprise, because he explained that my life was in Canada for now and it should move beyond Chinatown, if only in little ways.

  Oh, Bess was excited. She grabbed my arms and whirled me round when I told her in the schoolyard. Ivor saw and made snickering noises but we ignored him. When I told her of Miss MacDonald’s tea invitation, I thought she would burst she was so happy.

  There was one bad thing. Bess did not mention it until the end of the day, almost like she did not want me to have time to think and say no. Her aunt does not like the boys Declan has been hanging around with, and is making him spend much time with Bess. She wanted to know if he could come too. Am I a nasty girl? I think maybe I am. I said yes, but it burned my heart to do so, to spend my good fortune money on him.

  Sunday, February 25

  Again I saved a big time to write. My eyes are still round from what I saw! The cinema was beautiful, with red velvet seats and curtains. There were gold painted angels on the walls. Bess and I were almost silent. Our tongues would not work in such a place. Declan did not come. He was with Bess when she met me, but ran off, yelling that he would meet Bess again at 5:00 on the corner of the street of their aunt’s house. I did not want to stop him, but suggested to Bess that we should. She shrugged and said that he would be off with Ivor, that they were building something on some vacant lot. I soon forgot about him.

  When the lights went out, I nearly shrieked, because a lady playing a piano popped up through the stage! I did not know why she was there, but when the film started, it all became clear! She played music to go along with what happened in the film: sad music for the sad scenes, frightening music when something bad happened to Oliver. Poor Oliver had such a sad life.

  Tea with Miss MacDonald was fun too. I asked Bess whether her aunt minded her coming to tea, because of the stories about Chinatown. She laughed at me, which made my feelings sad. Diary, she did not ask permission! This is very shocking, and I told her so, which made her laugh again. “Oh, Mei-ling,” she said, “why would I ask her something that I know she would forbid, going into Chinatown and having tea with a missionary? We’re good Catholics, she’d have seven kinds of fits!” All through tea Bess was happy and she made Miss MacDonald laugh with all the stories she told. She ate a lot!

  When it was time for her to leave, Bess thanked me, and asked whether we might do this again next week. I made her sad, I think, when I told her that the rest of my money was for gifts for my brother and Ma.

  Monday, February 26

  I told Mrs. Lee about how I was spending my red-envelope money on gifts for my family, when I dropped Lily off today. She asked me if I knew when we would send for Ma and my brother. I had to say no, not for sure. She took my sadness at this away, because she said that I would make Ma proud when she came. I do not like to bother Baba, but I wish he would talk to me more of this. I have given him the money I earn, and I hope it builds a little at a time with our savings.

  Miss MacDonald was funny. She told me how much she had enjoyed meeting my friend, but that we were chalk and cheese. She had to explain that this meant we were very different, and she wondered aloud how we had come to be friends. I explained to her how Bess had looked after me right from the beginning of my time at school,
and that Bess had few friends before me. This seemed to mean something to her, because she said, “Ah,” in a funny way. I was a little offended, Diary, because she then said Bess was rough around the edges. I do not think it nice to make opinions like that. I think she saw, because she added that Bess’s life had obviously been harder than most, but that deep down she had a good heart. Of course she does!

  Tuesday, February 27

  I tried to talk to Baba about when Ma might come, but he was tired, and brushed aside my questions like he would an annoying gnat. All he would say was that it would happen; he promised me that. I do not like to pester, but I do miss Ma, and it seems to become deeper lately. I think it is seeing Lily and Mrs. Lee together. I watch her braid Lily’s hair and remember Ma’s quick fingers twining mine. I feel hollow inside when I see them together — a hollowness that sometimes does not go away easily.

  At school, something is going on, but I do not know what. It feels funny. It is the boys, they look at each other strangely, but say nothing. I asked Bess. She did not know, but said that Declan was being very secretive, and that their aunt is worried about the times he disappears for hours on end.

  Wednesday, February 28

  I cannot get Ma out of my mind. I hate it that I don’t know how she is or what is happening in the village. I wish there was a way that my thoughts could reach her, or that I could talk to her. Baba writes every month when he sends money, and I know he tells her of what happens in my life here. Her replies are so short — often just two lines, saying that she has got the money and that they are well. Sometimes, only sometimes, she will add that she has used the money to buy another mau-tin of land to work. Is this because she has to tell the schoolmaster what to write down? Is he impatient with longer letters, as he has to write them for many families? Or does Ma not like to share our family news with him?

  March 1923

  Thursday, March 1

  A new month, Diary, and have you noticed that I have been dutiful in my entries. I hope this will continue. I will have more schoolwork than usual, though. It was very exciting today, because Mr. Hughes announced a contest.

  A former pupil has visited from Ontario, where he now lives. Mr. Hughes was his favourite teacher, the one he says who helped him most. He wants to encourage us to work hard, as he did when he was with Mr. Hughes, and he has set an essay competition with two dollars and a dictionary as the prize. We are to research and write about either the land we came from, the place we live now or any province of Canada. We may use illustrations if we wish. Our entries must be in by Friday, March 23rd, and the winner will be announced a week later, but on the Thursday because the Friday is the Christians’ holiday and there will be no school.

  What a grand idea! I would love to win, but I do not think I will. Everyone was talking about it. Ivor boasted that he would win because he would write about Britain, which as everyone knows (he said), is the greatest country in the world! I have not decided what I will choose, but I will enter, that is one certain thing. Bess grumbled and asked Mr. Hughes if we all had to enter and looked very cross when he said we did.

  I forgot to mention that the dictionary is very beautiful. It has a black cover with gold letters. Mr. Hughes has put it on a shelf behind his desk, facing us. “To inspire us!” he said. I am inspired, but I think more by the $2.00 than the dictionary!

  Friday, March 2

  I learned a new word today, “blustery.” We have strong, strong winds, a little rain and snow. Mr. Hughes described the weather as blustery. I like the way the word sounds. You can almost hear the wind in its middle.

  I have felt very tired all day, and when I was with Miss MacDonald the numbers of my Maths problems spun around the page and would not stand still. I did not tell her this, but struggled on. I do not think I want to write any more — my head feels funny. Baba is waiting to put out the light.

  Thursday, March 8

  Diary, I did not forget you, I was just sick. My head is a little clearer, but it still hurts. I have had a big, big fever with aching bones. I do not remember much of Sunday. Baba says that when he came home I was very hot and lay in my bed all limp. Mr. Chee had sat with me, but when Baba arrived he was relieved because he was just going to get Mrs. Lee, as I was not making sense when I talked, mixing English and Chinese together.

  People have been very kind. Mrs. Lee has sent soup over with Mr. Chee, and a message from Lily that she had told Bess what was wrong with me. On Monday I was too sick to even remember that I should go to Miss MacDonald. She came looking for me. It was lucky she went to the restaurant and found Tsung Sook there, who told her what was wrong. If she had come to our room, I’m sure that Mr. Chee would either not have answered her knocks or would not have let her in if he did. Tsung Sook spoke to Mr. Chee and told him that Miss MacDonald would visit me on Tuesday and that he should be sure to let her in. Mr. Chee made a sour face, but he did. While she visited, he stayed, sitting on Baba’s bed, glowering at her.

  I thought that she would be angry with me for not coming, for missing our lessons, and that she would make me do them there and then. But no, she felt my forehead with her hand, and shook her head, saying that I was still feverish. She said I probably had the influenza that was going round. She had brought me some lozenges to suck for my sore throat, and then she sat and read to me. We finished Anne of Green Gables and she brought another Anne book yesterday. I shut my eyes and let the words flow around me. For just one little moment I thought my Ma was there, smoothing my hair from my forehead, but when I opened my eyes, it was only Miss MacDonald’s hand.

  Sunday, March 11

  When I wrote on Thursday I thought I was feeling better, but the sickness came crashing down on me again, like a waterfall. All I have wanted to do is sleep. Never have I missed a whole week of school before. I hope I have not fallen too far behind. Miss MacDonald has told me not to worry, that we will catch up quickly if we work together. She has been very kind, coming every day and spending some time with me. She too brought me soup to eat, something she called consommé, that she said was good for invalids. I did not like it, but I ate it. It was weak tasting with a funny perfumey taste. Miss MacDonald said that was sherry. I like Mrs. Lee’s chicken soup with ginger much better.

  We talked about the essay competition this morning. I still did not know what I wanted to do. I would like to write about China, but I do not know its history, not its grand and proper history — just bits of stories and legends that Baba and Wong Bak have told me — and surely that is what an essay like this will expect. So, I thought instead, I would write about Ontario, using the books we have in school. Miss MacDonald sniffed a little at that and said that this would just be copying, as I have never been there. She thought to write about China would be much better, and it didn’t matter that I didn’t know the history of the whole country. I should write about my village, where it is, what it’s like, what stories and legends are told about it. When I thought about it, I liked that idea more and more. I can draw pictures from my memories: my grandfather working the fields, my grandmother sitting on the porch telling Little Brother the stories she once told me. My eyes feel wet as I think of them, wondering if she makes him the little clay figures she once made me. I wish I could hear those stories again. Does Sing-wah realize what a fortunate boy he is?

  Baba just came back from the restaurant. He is very happy that I am now truly feeling better. He told me that my uncles had missed me. I missed them too! The only one I saw was Mr. Chee, who watched over me so well this week. Perhaps he is not so much an “uncle” but a “grandfather” — a grandfather who is sometimes a little crotchety, but one who is part of my Gum Shan family here. He poked his head round our door this morning, but when he saw Miss MacDonald there he grunted and went away. I had thought he might come back this afternoon, but he did not.

  Tuesday, March 13

  I went back to school yesterday, and it was very hard. My head still is buzzy inside, and even just walking with Lily there left my legs
feeling like they had no bones inside. A lot of students have been sick. Ivor has been absent these two days. Bess seemed pleased to see me, which made me happy. She taught me a rhyme about my sickness, which made me laugh.

  I had a little bird whose name was Enza,

  I opened a window and in flu Enza.

  Then she told me how the rhyme came about — how in 1918 many, many people got sick with influenza and even died. The rhyme showed how easy it was to catch it — people believed just by opening a window and breathing the bad air. That was not so funny.

  Mr. Hughes gave me all the work I missed to take to Miss MacDonald. Yesterday she thought I looked too tired to do much, so we talked — talked a lot about my life before I came here. I am getting used to Miss MacDonald’s questions now. She is just a very curious person.

  Last night I did not write, my body wanted to sleep so hard. Today I feel a little stronger.

  Wednesday, March 14

  Ivor is still away. Is it wicked to hope that he will be sick as long as I was? He has not done a big mean thing to me since my blouse, but when he is there, I must always be watchful. It is not just me who feels like this. It feels better in class without him. It is hard to explain, but the funny feeling that school had — a feeling like something bad was going to happen — is not there when he is away. Only Declan misses him, and that is because the other bigger boys, Ivor’s friends, do not have much time for him.

  Thursday, March 15

  Please forgive my short entries, Diary, but I am working on my essay for the competition at night, when I normally write in you. Miss MacDonald has been very kind and given me paper to use, and has lent me crayons. Our village is so small that I could not find it on a map in the big atlas she has, but I have drawn a map of Kwangtung province, showing the district of Poon-yue, and explained that it is there. It is making me happy and sad to do this. Happy because I am thinking of the good things that happened when I was a little girl. The sadness comes because I want to see my Ma so badly. I think that she might not even recognize me now. I have grown so much taller.