An Ocean Apart

by Gillian Chan

  I had seen people walk to church many times, but did not really know how many came — it was very full. I crept into the back, quiet like a mouse. My eyes searched for Miss MacDonald, and I saw her near the front, sitting with some other white women. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Mah there too.

  It was hard to follow the service, but I stood and sat when the others did. Some of the songs I knew from school. A man spoke for a long time, talking about how Easter was a time of things becoming new again. At least, that’s what I think he said. Their god died and rose from the dead, and promises eternal life in heaven for all people. I hope for that to be true — for Mr. Chee. My head was hurting though, it was all so strange, and I was glad when it ended.

  I waited while people left, and was going to make my way to Miss MacDonald, but she came to me.

  “Oh, May! You came.” Her face was full of smiles. “Did you like it?”

  I did not know what to say. I was not thinking to like it. Perhaps my face was sad, because she put her hand on my arm and asked me if something was wrong.

  I did not hesitate, but told her what I had heard.

  Her smile went and she shook her head. “I think, May, that your guests may have been talking about something that is taking place in our Parliament.”

  Parliament I know. Mr. Hughes has explained the government of Canada to us, but why would Parliament try to make life harder? I asked this, saying that Parliament is to make life easier for people in Canada.

  “Let’s sit down, May,” Miss MacDonald said, and she led me to one of the church’s wooden benches. “Some people have introduced a law that will change the rules about how Chinese people can come to Canada, to try to stop so many coming.”

  “But why?” The words burst out from me so loudly that people turned and stared. I tried to make my voice obey, but it would not. It continued to shout. “Chinese people are hard workers. We only want to make better lives for ourselves, here or back home in China. Why would the government want to stop us doing that?”

  Miss MacDonald reached out and tried to put her arms around me, drawing me closer to her. I shrugged them off. “It’s complicated, May,” she said, “but I want you to know that I think this proposed law is wrong.”

  I could not listen. I could not hear. My heart was loud in my chest. I wanted to cry out, “Ma!” I did not. I ran. I pulled away when Miss MacDonald tried to stop me. I did not listen to the words she was saying as she ran behind me. The street was crowded, but I did not care. I pushed and shoved my way through, ignoring the curses that were thrown after me. All I wanted was to be gone, to be safe inside our room.

  I cried and cried, big sobs that hurt, with many tears. I don’t understand why this is happening. Why people want to hurt us.

  Later

  I was crying again when Baba came. I did not want to be so, but my thoughts were filled with fear. He thought it was for Mr. Chee.

  My words did not have steadiness as I tried to explain. It took a long time for Baba to understand, and for a while he just held me while I made his chest wet with my tears, a blotch the shape of my face on his shirt.

  “There have been rumours, Ah-Mei,” Baba said, “but there are always rumours of things like this. It will come to nothing. Perhaps it will even be good for us. Some say that the head tax will be abolished.” He pushed me gently back, his hands on my shoulders so he could look into my face. “Now, would not that be a good thing? We could send for Ma and your little brother immediately, and still have money to send to Grandfather to hire men to work our land, while we all work here!”

  Baba was smiling. When he smiles, he does not look so tired. I tried to smile back. Baba is very wise. He must be right. I do not think I could bear it if he isn’t.

  Monday, April 2

  No school again, so I had much time by myself, as Mrs. Lee did not need me. Some time to think, and some to make things right.

  The making right was with Miss MacDonald. I was very rude yesterday, not listening to her. I know that she spends much of the day in the Mission, so I went there this morning, hoping. She was sorting bundles of clothes with some other women in the big hall. I did not like to disturb them, so I stayed quiet, waiting.

  It did not take long until she saw me and ran over, looking more and more like a heron with her long legs and awkward running. She was smiling and her arms were out like she would hug me, so my fear of her anger went, especially when she asked me if I was all right. At first I stood stiff, but it is nice to be hugged, to have someone care for your feelings.

  Miss MacDonald excused herself from the others and offered me lunch, saying that we could talk and eat. It was good and she explained much to me. Like Baba, she thinks that this new act of Parliament will probably not come to pass, or at least not as it is written now. She said it is born out of fear and misunderstanding. This I did not understand so well, until she explained that in hard times, times when there are few jobs, people fear for what they have, and it is easy to blame those who are different, like us Chinese. That made me very sad. We are not different, not deep down — we care for our loved ones and want to make good lives for them. Why is that threatening?

  After lunch she asked me whether I would like to help sort the clothes. They are clothes they have been given to send to China. I was very shy, but Miss MacDonald insisted. It was not so bad. The other ladies did not speak much to me, but it was interesting to hear them talk of their plans for raising money for missions to China, and even of their families.

  When I returned home, I had a big scare. I heard noises in Mr. Chee’s room and thought that it must be either Wong Bak or Tsung Sook. We had cleared the room yesterday — he had very little — but perhaps they might have come back to clean more. I went in and a strange man was sitting on the bed, a man who yelled at me. I ran away very fast.

  Wednesday, April 4

  School is good. Ivor has not bothered me at all in two whole days. He even smiled at me once. Bess said that maybe he is sweet on me, and laughed wildly. I ignored her. She thinks she is very funny, but she is not. Ivor is a much quieter boy at school these last two days. Even Declan says that he is no fun. I think this is good.

  Bess has been a funny mixture, happy one moment, and sad the next. Her mother has not been able to work. She too has the influenza. Bess fears that she may lose her job. If this happens, Bess says that she will get a job and bring money in to help her aunts look after them. I told her that I did not think she could, that she is too young. She just snorted and said that I earned money. I did not think that a Canadian girl would have to do this.

  Thursday, April 5

  Today is Sing-wah’s birthday — my little brother is three years old. I wonder what he looks like, and how he spent this special day. Do Grandmother and Grandfather make much of him, as they did me when I was there? I would think so. My grandfather had many praises for me, telling me how clever I was. Sometimes he would sigh, and say that if only I were a boy I would have a magnificent life. I think that is why he so wanted me to come with Baba to Canada — maybe I could do great things here.

  I do not like to talk much of my family, but today I did, telling Miss MacDonald all about Little Brother. She had many questions, asking whether we would bring both him and Ma together. “That is our dream!” I said. “But maybe, if we cannot save money fast enough, we would just send for Ma.”

  This shocked her very much. “But who would look after your brother?”

  I thought this to be a very silly question. It was obvious that it would be my grandparents. We would still send money and they would pay men to work the land, until we could all be together.

  Friday, April 6

  I do not like it when people argue. It makes me feel all twitchy inside.

  The new act, “the legislation” is what Miss MacDonald calls it, is all that people talk of now. I hear snatches of conversation on the street, and in the restaurant, angry voices reach me in the kitchen. Even Wong Bak, Tsung Sook and Baba talk of it, and it is their arg
uing that scares me and makes my thoughts troubled. Tsung Sook is very fiery. He is convinced that this will end all Chinese coming to Canada forever. His voice rises and he tells the others of things he hears, or things he reads — details of what is proposed; how, yes, the head tax will be abolished, but how new rules will be made so only very few, very special Chinese people may come to Canada. My heart felt close to breaking, because Ma and Little Brother do not fit that description, except to me and Baba.

  Tsung Sook dismissed Baba and Wong Bak’s arguments that the Canadians always propose things like this, but that they will not happen. He was very angry. In fact he did not stay, but left, saying that he would go to his Clan association, where they were not pretending that nothing is happening, where they are talking about what they can do. It left a taste like bitter melon in my mouth. Baba and Wong Bak talked long of this, saying that Tsung Sook was young and hot-headed.

  I do not know who to believe. Will Baba listen to my fears?

  Saturday, April 7

  I do not like Saturday any more. Without Yook Jieh and Mr. Chee it is a lonely day, with long hours to fill. The man who now lives in his room is not a nice man. He scowls at me whenever he sees me. I think it is because Baba has spoken to him twice when he came in late at night, stumbling and cursing loudly.

  As soon as my chores were done I went to the restaurant. I feel comfortable there with Wong Bak. He talks more to me now, and I like listening to his stories. He has been here even longer than Baba, coming when the railway was first being built — over forty years ago. I thought he might think it rude, but I asked him why he had no wife. He smiled and said that he had one once, but she died when there was fever in his village, and he had never been able to afford to marry again. That made me sad, but Wong Bak smiled and told me not to waste my tears. He would return one day to the land that his money had paid for over the years, and which his brother’s family worked. He would be the much-honoured uncle from Gold Mountain.

  Tsung Sook did not come to work in the restaurant today.

  Sunday, April 8

  It was a rainy day, so when Baba finished work we stayed quiet in our room this afternoon. It was good, because we talked.

  Baba had many questions about school, about how my work progresses, and about Miss MacDonald’s help. He seemed pleased by my answers, smiling a little and nodding. He made my heart full when he told me how proud he was of me. Baba does not waste words, so these were jewels to me.

  He seemed in so much of a good mood that I dared to ask him things — about our life here, and life at home in China. I did not think he would answer me, and might get angry, but he did not. He came and sat on the chair under the window, by my bed. His words were slow in coming, but now I understand more, I think of the dreams he has for us. Of making life easier for his parents with the money we earn here, and of a new life, a Canadian life, for me and Sing-wah, where we will live in a country not bound by old ways. A country where even though the Chinese are not always welcome, we have big opportunities.

  Baba’s eyes were not looking at me as he spoke. He stared at the wall and then he was silent. I did not like to break the silence, but I wanted to tell him of Wong Bak’s dream of going back home to China, and know whether this was how Baba’s dreams ended too. My question startled him and he shook himself like a dog coming out of water before he answered.

  “Home?” he repeated. “Where is home for me, Ah-Mei? I have lived here so long, I don’t know anymore.”

  Tuesday, April 10

  Since Ivor has become so quiet, school is a peaceful place for me — a place to work hard. I do not need to be watchful all the time. Bess has been away for the last two days and, before, this would have been a big worry for me. I would have felt very alone, and maybe even a little scared, but not any more. Ada and some other girls talk to me more too. I feel shy with them, but they do not seem to mind.

  At home it is still a troubled time. Tsung Sook did not come for three days to the restaurant, which meant much work for us all. He left for his work on the docks early in the morning, and did not come home till very late. Wong Bak waited for him to talk, to find out what was wrong, but Tsung Sook would not talk until last night. After the restaurant closed, he, Baba and Wong Bak sat and drank tea. I sat in the corner, doing my homework for Miss MacDonald, but listening too.

  Tsung Sook is a good talker, but his words make the worry in my heart wake up. He does not share Baba and Wong Bak’s belief that this new law will not pass. He thinks they are being foolish. He told them that there are meetings where people are getting together, that they should come, that it is necessary to fight the passing of this law.

  They did not say they would go, but their faces were serious. I tried to talk to Baba of this as we walked home, but he said that it was not for me to worry, that I should not listen in to conversations. I am becoming scared again, Diary. I wish there was someone I could share my fears with that this law will stop Ma and Little Brother from coming.

  Wednesday, April 11

  Bess is back. I tried talking to her, and now I feel worse, especially as I was mean, very mean, to her.

  Perhaps it was not a good time. Bess was out of sorts. Her mother did lose her job, and Bess spent Monday and yesterday trying to find work for herself, but did not. Her aunt is very angry with her, because Bess was meant to come to school on those days. Declan told on Bess. Her aunt has said that the family will rally round. I think this is good, but Bess was grumpy.

  While I told her of what Tsung Sook had said, she twiddled the ends of her hair and sighed. Her words came out fast, interrupting me. “Liam says that maybe this law is a good thing.”

  My mouth fell open, but I could not speak. How could Bess say that? I stared and stared at her, willing her to take those words back. Even now, I do not know whether I was hurt, angry or maybe both. I know I wanted to take Bess by the shoulders and shake thoughts like that out of her. She did not see me then, just kept talking. “After all, it’s the Chinese workers who make it difficult for the rest of us, Liam says, because they work for less pay!”

  I could not help it — tears came to my eyes, but no words to my mouth still. Bess looked at me then, and told me not to cry, that she didn’t mean it personally, she was just repeating what her brother had said, and of course she would like for my family to come, but …

  I did not want to hear her buts, Diary. I did something I have never done before. I turned away and left her standing there. I walked over to the far corner of the schoolyard and turned my back on her. I did not speak to her for the rest of the day, no matter that she tried to make me.

  I am just so sad because if Bess, who is my friend, thinks this, what must others think?

  Sunday, April 15

  I have not written, Diary, because I have felt so sad. I did not want your pages to be tear stained. Bess’s words, said so quickly, have stayed in my heart. I feel like there is no hope if this is how people feel, no matter how many Clan association meetings there are.

  I do not think that Bess even knows how hurtful those words were, and I could not tell her, not without crying again. Ignoring her did no good. Day after day she just kept talking and talking to me like there was nothing wrong, until it was just easier to answer. She was back to her normal self, cross with Declan for telling on her, cross with her aunt for being such a fussy person, but pleased a little too, perhaps, because all the fussiness means someone cares about her. Sometimes she does not seem to see other people’s feelings.

  Money is being raised to fight the law. Each person in Chinatown is being asked to pay a dollar, each business to pay two. There is to be a big concert at the Sing Kew Theatre in Shanghai Alley. Lily Lee is going with her father and Arthur. She asked me if I would like to come, but I did not want to ask Baba for more money. I asked Tsung Sook what they will do with these funds they raise. He said that they will send business leaders, important people, to Ottawa, to the government, to persuade them this law is wrong.

&nbs
p; Monday, April 16

  I do not think that I have been a good student for Miss MacDonald, this last little while. It has been hard to concentrate with my thoughts so fixed on Ma. Miss MacDonald has been very patient, not saying anything until tonight, when I was not paying attention as she explained some Algebra to me.

  “For goodness sake, May!” she said. “Are we both wasting our time here?”

  My face was very red. I felt very ashamed. I put my head down on my book so I did not have to face Miss MacDonald. She has been giving up her time for me, and now I repay her with this. She very gently raised my face so I had to look at her. I did not mean to, but I told her of what Bess had said, how those words had wounded me and scared me.

  She was kind. She is always kind to me. I like that she talks to me like I am not a child. She did not lie and say that what Liam thought and Bess said was just one opinion. She told me that many, many people think like that, and that many, many people do not even think at all about such things. Her church does not want the law either, and they will speak against it. They think that life would be easier if Chinese men had their families here. Then there would be less gambling, less opium smoking. Her Mission also has Chinese ministers who would not be able to come to Canada under this new law.

  As we spoke my heart felt lighter, but now, as I sit and write this, it becomes heavy again. A church is a powerful thing, but is it more powerful than the voices of those many, many people Miss MacDonald mentioned?

  Wednesday, April 18

  It was hard to find time to write last night. Baba and Tsung Sook went to one of the meetings that Tsung Sook had told them about. That left just me and Wong Bak to work. My fingers are red from washing dishes, and it was late by the time we got home, because we had so many customers.