“Really?” I asked softly.
“Yes.” I just stared at him, lips slightly parted, trying to remember to breathe. We were eye to eye. I felt his breath tickle my face.
“Tara, we’re out of milk.” My ‘brother-in-law’ Dick came barreling into the laundry room. Calen was suddenly much farther away.
Without glancing at him, I answered. “Fine. So go pick some up.” After a few seconds, I finally looked at Dick and he was staring at me as if I’d grown another head. I was still focusing on steadying my breathing.
“But the baby needs milk.” He continued to stare at me expectantly. I hopped off the dryer and walked out of the room, glancing back only once to lock eyes with Calen. As I walked away, I heard Dick say, “I guess she will just pick it up when she goes to the store.”
I wanted to hit something.
꧁10꧂
The days passed without much variation. Classes came and went. I did my best to be available when the girls wanted to hang out. My brother’s friends took over our house somewhat regularly, but I made a point of avoiding them when they were here. I was too confused and unsettled. I turned to running and that took up the majority of my free time. It really was the only thing that made me feel free. I could let everything go; from my anxiety about my calculus test, to my confusion about Calen, to my sad ache about my father. As my feet pounded the pavement, I could just release my soul. And it felt damn good.
I pushed the back door open, still catching my breath, and ran my forearm over my moist forehead. I sighed. Back again. As I made my way through the kitchen and into the living room, I was disappointed to see that the boy herd had settled in. Great. I winked at Zach, and he blew me a kiss. I really did love that guy. He was the brother god never gave me. Then Will made a snide remark about me, something along the lines of how I should really do the world a favor and consider showering once in a while, and that he guessed I hadn’t heard, but they’d invented this thing called makeup. I channeled my irritation and tried to turn it into some form of zen. It didn’t work. My expression must have betrayed me because I suddenly heard a deep voice say, “I don’t know. Some of us like the Natural look.”
My brother cut Calen a look that could kill and Calen gazed back at him unfazed. Yes! Screw You, Will. I loved him, but why did he feel the need to humiliate me around his friends? He needed to grow up, or turn into a nice guy. I sent a look to Calen, my eyes smiling at him, and then I retreated to my room.
I stripped and took an amazingly relaxing shower. I could feel my muscles unclenching. I had pushed myself hard on this last run, and my legs were reminding me of that. Whatever. Anything that could distract me from reality was worth it. I just wished I had someone I could lean on, once in awhile. Then I shook my head. I didn’t need anyone, I was strong and could lean on myself.
Readying myself for bed that evening, I brushed my hair as I stared at my reflection. I really could not believe that the girl staring back at me was the same girl who used to go running to Daddy if she’d skinned her knee.
This girl, or really woman, had a sharpness in her eyes. A hard strength. It broke my heart while simultaneously making me proud. I didn’t know what had happened to me in the last months, but I knew I wasn’t the same. As I made eye contact with myself, I wondered if I would ever be able to let the softness of the girl I used to be, back in. Half of me mourned her. The other half was pleased that she was dead. I crawled into bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.
***
Autumn was in full swing and the crisp air felt great in my lungs. It would be Winter soon, a thought that brought me a pang of sadness. I wondered what my dad would be doing. Did he ever think of us? I’d long since stopped trying to understand his actions, instead just finding my thoughts turning to him less and less. I wondered what my mom’s approach was.
I came down stairs having found myself with the weekend upon me, again. At least I’d slept in a little. Then I’d stayed holed up in my room for as long as I could, checking my email and just goofing off on my laptop. No longer able to ignore my grumbling stomach, I gave up. Not only were Zach and Calen camped out in the living room with Will, Richard was attempting to be ‘one of the guys,’ trying to impress them with his idiotic stories of high school and what a cool guy he was. I wanted to puke. Ignoring them, I got some cereal and sat in the kitchen, reading the paper.
When I was finished, I washed my bowl, ignoring the sink full of dirty dishes that I knew I would eventually wash. I shook my head. Back in the living room, Will was animatedly explaining the merits of dating more than one girl at a time. How was this my life? As I passed back through, deciding the solitude of my room far outweighed this scene, I heard Zach interupt. He too was apparently not overly impressed with Will’s moratorium on love.
“So… are we actually going to go to cabin or just sit around all day?” He asked Will. The cabin? The idea made my stomach hurt a little.
“Sure. But the heater there doesn’t work because the electricity is off, so you’d better put on something more than that shirt you’re wearing.” Will gestured at Zach. He looked down at his Sublime T-shirt and shrugged.
“Whatever. I can lend you a jacket,” Will said. I kept walking up to my room. As Will bounded past, he said, “Wanna go to the cabin? We are bored.” I did a double take. Will was inviting me to come? I was silent for a second as I processed this and apparently my window closed. “Whatever. Go back to your little dungeon and mope around like usual.” He continued up to his room.
“Wait. I want to go.” Did I? I wasn’t entirely sure, but I knew he didn’t extend invitations to me often. Plus, I hadn’t been to the cabin in a long time. My dad had bought a cabin a year or so before he had left, but it was more like a shack than anything. He’d gotten it into his head that he would fix it up and then he would either have a man cave to retreat to, or flip it. He claimed he was definitely going to sell it, but he was oddly attached to it. It was located in the redwoods, about 20 minutes from our house. Although kind of a dump, I still loved it because it tied me to my dad.
I threw on my Uggs, adding a hoodie to my jeans and long sleeved shirt. Then I tugged on a cute cream and gold beanie. For some reason, I looked really good in hats so I was pleased when I appraised my reflection. Cute, but not trying too hard. I pulled the beanie off and stuffed it in my pocket. I knew from experience, that if I was already wearing it before we got outside, Will would mock me. I could do with as little of that as possible today. Not giving myself a chance to change my mind about tagging along, I bounded down the stairs and plopped down next to Zach. He pretended to pop up off the couch a bit as if I had landed so heavily, I’d propelled him up. I elbowed him. He grinned.
“Troops. We’re out,” Will bellowed, reappearing.
Both Calen and Zach looked at me with surprise as I followed them.
“Sweet! We get the Princess,” Zach exclaimed. Will snorted.
“Just watch out for Trolls, Princess,” Will shot at me. I rolled my eyes. Then I elbowed Zach again. He rubbed his side and pretended like I’d actually done damage. I rolled my eyes again, pretending like I didn’t enjoy our little back and forth, not quite being able to hide my smile. Zach was driving, which was a shame because I could really get used to cruising in Calen’s Audi.
“Shotgun!” I yelled the second we opened the front door. Will, with his longer legs, simply beat me to the car and got in the front seat. Why did I bother? I thought I heard Calen stifle a laugh that came out sounding like a choked cough. I shook my head and got in the back. Only once I was rooting around in the seat, looking for the other half of my seatbelt, did I realize that Will’s shotgun theft actually wasn’t such a bad thing. Apparently, both Calen and I were searching for our seatbelts and our hands brushed. I froze. Then I felt it again, although this time it felt more like a light caress. I looked up and he was staring at me. Our eyes met and suddenly it was just Calen and me.
Will turned on the radio and the loud volume and poundin
g bass shook me free from Calen’s magnetic gaze. His natural deep golden complexion in contrast with those eyes pulled me in. Then he smiled, his full lips curving up, and his green eyes sparkled. It was practically my undoing. I knew I was probably blushing, and I had to look down, hoping he didn’t see the dopey grin that was demanding to take over my face. Allowing my hair to slide forward, I hoped it hid my face as I latched my seatbelt. When I looked up, I met Zach’s eyes in the rear view mirror. I wasn’t sure what he’d seen, his expression unreadable. I hadn’t done anything wrong, yet I looked away. I still felt flushed so I concentrated on the scenery fleeting by and not the fact that Calen took up more than his share of the back seat. Or the fact that I could swear his leg was lightly pressed against mine. I suddenly loved my brother for being a selfish prick.
Unsurprisingly, Will commandeered the entire conversation during our ride to the cabin. God, my brother never shut up. Zach punctuated Will’s statements occasionally with agreements or insults, depending on the direction things were going. It was at that point that I realized that Calen never rambled. He’d participate in conversations, but I never heard him running at the mouth, and although generally good natured, the things he did say tended to imply he’d thought about what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it, before he spoke. Growing up with Will, who not only didn’t think before he spoke, but then probably didn’t consider anything he’d said after the fact, this endeared me to Calen. I appreciated his deliberate but candid conversation. Even I was known to get carried away with hearing myself speak, although not as much these days. Still, I felt conspicuous just sitting there so I jumped into the conversation.
Will and Zach had been arguing the merit of steel drums in reggae influenced bands and I said that I never saw them as a negative addition. “Personally,” I said, “steel drums make me feel like I’m transported to a Caribbean or Jamaican beach vacation and they just make me want to relax and lose myself in the music.” Will looked at me like I was the most embarrassing thing he had ever had the non-pleasure of sharing a car with. Did I sound like an idiot? It was true though, they made me want to move with the beat, making me smell coconut and sunscreen and feel warm sand under my feet. Good thing I didn’t say that…Will would probably have demanded we pull over and kicked me out of the car.
Thankfully, we reached the cabin and I was no longer the person everyone was staring at. If Will found me so mortifying, why did he invite me? Whatever, it was my dad’s cabin too and I had every right to be here. We piled out of the car and Will went to the front door, sweeping the top of the molding where Dad kept his hidden key. Not quite sure why he locked the place, since it had nothing of value, but I guess we didn’t need some crazy hippie kids squatting.
Because it was located amongst the trees, the main floor was actually elevated with the majority of it enclosed by large windows, allowing you to feel like you were in the forest while inside. Consequently, the ground floor was kind of like a basement. My dad had planned to convert it into a studio apartment, with ideas of adding a bathroom and kitchenette. I sometimes wondered if he assumed that Will would never get into college and so he wanted him to have a place to live after high school. As it stood now, it was kind of just a grungy basement.
Letting ourselves in, I shivered as I flashed to the day after Dad had left. After not hearing from him since the day before, I’d driven out here with Will because we’d decided he must have just come out here and it had gotten too late to call. Either that, or he just needed a break from all of us, something we could totally understand. But when we got here, there was no sign or him, or even any indication that he’d been here recently. It was at that moment that I realized how much I was depending on him being here.
Misinterpreting my reaction as my heart turned to ice with the memory, Will said, “You of all people know I wasn’t kidding about the no heat thing.” It was true, and it was freezing in here. I pulled out my beanie and tugged it down over my head. Brushing my bangs aside a bit, I had a strange urge to go to the bathroom to check my reflection and make sure I didn’t look like an elf. I reminded myself of how it had looked in my room and then wondered why I cared. Even if I did look like an elf, too bad- I was practically the same height as one, and not at all interested in freezing my ass off. Lost in thought, I hadn’t realized that the guys had dispersed. I guess Will was checking out the place, while simultaneously showing Calen around. Zach had been here before, but it was Calen’s first time. It was kind of funny how Will, who acted like he was hot shit, was slightly reverent to Calen. I guess it had to do with his superior skills on the court. Plus, I’m sure the guys had to acknowledge on some level how good looking Calen was. I shook my head. I really needed to stop thinking about him.
Hearing their boisterous voices in the living room, I started my own tour of the house. There were 3 bedrooms, two of which were on this floor, the master being upstairs. I’d always thought this place was run down, but with my dad not around, it seemed to have accelerated in its decay. Almost entirely hard wood, the walls needed staining and the floors looked like they might need some serious work, if not complete replacement. But the view of the forest was as breathtaking as always.
There was very little furniture, and no beds, but there were a few chairs stashed throughout the cabin. There was a futon in one of the downstairs bedrooms, in case my dad was ever out here too late and wanted to crash. Its linens looked pretty dusty, so I stripped it and figured we’d probably be here long enough to run them through the laundry downstairs. I walked into the living and saw Will lighting a fire in the fireplace. That was one thing; there was no shortage of wood. They’d dragged 3 chairs in and positioned them around the fireplace. Thanks. Apparently I’d be standing. The second that thought entered my head, Calen reappeared with a fourth chair. I smiled gratefully at him.
The way he surveyed me, I got the distinct impression that he approved of my hat. Maybe I didn’t look like an elf after all. Will had a little battery operated set of speakers that he attached to his phone and turned on some tunes. Then he looked to Zach and said, “The brews, man.” Zach hopped up and left through the front door. Since we’d gotten such a late start, it was early evening and dusk had started to descend. It was still light out, but the light was showing the first signs of waning. We kept lanterns here as well as candles, so with the fire, the cabin would stay well enough lit until we left.
Realizing I had forgotten the lack of electricity, I knew my laundry plan was pointless. But, I’d already stripped the futon and we had extra sets of sheets downstairs, so I figured I would just remake it with fresh sheets and take these dirty ones home to wash. I’d bring them back next time.
Zach reappeared with a grocery bag and I realized that the boys had gotten their hands on some beer to bring out here. Zach cracked open three, taking a pull from one and distributing the others to the guys, but he didn’t offer me one. I couldn’t tell if he just assumed I wouldn’t want one, or was afraid of what Will would say if he offered. I felt Calen’s eyes on me. I had no real issue with drinking on occasion, I had just been put out the night of Will’s birthday because he had over done it, and then I had to pick up the pieces.
The guys continued their usual boisterous back and forth, often cracking up loudly. I left the room and returned with a scratchy old blanket. The fire was warming up the place, but it was still pretty cold. Eventually I warmed up and even stripped off my sweatshirt. Finally, feeling awkward, I got up and went to the grocery bag and helped myself to a bottle. I hoped I seemed nonchalant, but I was still a little too gun shy to ask Will for his opener. So, reaching for the lighter that we’d used to light some candles, I resorted to an old party trick I’d perfected back when I was younger and had misguided ideas of what was impressive. Wrapping my hand around the neck of the bottle and the lighter, I leveraged the top off with a pop. Physics rocked. Unfortunately, the cap propelled itself into the air, coming right back down the V-neck of my shirt where it nestled itself into my c
leavage. I blinked. Calen was staring at me, a mixture of awe and amusement on his face. Will, deciding I’d done it on purpose, shot me a nasty look. Zach looked at me incredulously.
“Wow. It could not have gone any better than that,” Zach said, with a snicker. I cut him a deadly look. Pretending that nothing was amiss, I took a long swig. Then I plucked the cap from my shirt and settled back under my blanket, hoping my blush would be hard to pick up in the glow from the fire. What had I done in my previous life that it seemed I could never catch a break??
The boys returned to their conversation, Will and Zach debating which cheerleader was the hottest versus which one would be most willing to get down and dirty. I felt a secret pleasure that Calen did not participate. Maybe it was because I was there, but I liked to hope that he was better than that and that he respected me enough to realize the callousness of such a discussion. Probably not, but a girl can dream.
After finishing my beer, I felt a nice heat reach my cheeks. I pulled off the beanie and stretched out my legs. I’d only put my opinion in here and there, mostly when Will was being a jackass, but it was turning out to be a pretty fun evening.
Several beers later, the boys were getting louder. Calen had only had one, just like me, but Zach and Will were at least three in. “Well then, let’s get the Princess’ opinion.” Zach said, turning to me. “Who do you think is the hottest guy at school?” Will had been in the process of declaring himself as such, since he’d intercepted a note being passed in his English class on Friday and it had read, ‘Will Ashton has got to be the Hottest guy in school.’ He was retelling the story with penache, but I felt certain that there had either been more to the note or he’d out right made it up. We all knew who the hottest guy was and he was sitting next to me. Uh oh. That beer might be doing some of my thinking.
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 7
