Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1)

by Kathryn Hewitt

  Deciding I couldn’t face making a decision like this just yet, I figured out what I needed to do: I called Sarah. After some small talk, I got down to it. I needed girl time and I needed it now. Sarah promised to call the girls and I suggested that they come here. It was my time to hog the house.

  The four of them showed up an hour later, and I herded them into my room. We were giggling in no time. Well they were; I tried. In no time, the conversation turned to the inevitable: boys. Sam and I were sitting on my bed, and Lisa, Jenny, and Sarah lounged in various places on the carpet. Jenny went off about how she’d hoped Will would be home so she could get a glimpse of him, to which I made a retching sound. She just rolled her eyes.

  Sarah continued, “Plus if Will were around, maybe his friends would be too.” I knew she was thinking of Zach. Poor thing, he had probably never even considered her as anything other than my friend. I’d never seen him express any interest in her when we’d been around.

  “Yeah, and we could see Calen,” Lisa said, and then blushed furiously when I caught her eye. “Sorry, Tara, since you two are so low pro, I sometimes forget that you’re together.” I didn’t quite know how to respond to that. Were we together? And if so, for how long? I forced myself away from this train of thought, especially since I had a sudden urge to text him.

  “Yeah, well if you ask me, we’re lucky Will isn’t here. I am doing my best to avoid him at the moment,” I responded as Sam started picking at her chipped nail polish.

  “I know he’s your brother, but you’re probably the only girl in the world who would want to avoid Will,” Jenny said and then she sighed with this dreamy look on her face. No one would ever understand how sucky it was to have a brother who everyone thought was hot. Besides, what did they know? They didn’t have to smell him.

  “Well, we sort of had a thing on Saturday night.” I was trying to change the subject but that sounded weird. I tried again. “Like a fight or whatever.” They rolled their eyes, almost simultaneously, because they were all familiar with how often we fought. I made a split second decision to tell them what happened. Well, some of it.

  “So Will somehow found out about Calen and me, flipped his shit, and took it out on me. Oh, and he tried to punch Calen.” They all just stared at me. “Tried being the operative word,” I added smugly. My boyfriend was hot. Then I chastised myself for placing that label on Calen. I had a lot of thinking to do.

  I proceeded to tell them a bare bones version, including the whole explosive girlfriend reveal and Calen’s making up with me. I glossed over most of my horrendous death inspiring downward spiral, in between those two events, but I think they got an idea of it. They all started talking at once, asking if I was ok, pointing out how romantic Calen was, telling me that I was so strong. Well, all of them except Sam. She just sat there. Finally she said, “Well at least it worked out.” I wasn’t so sure about that.

  I then steered the conversation to something a little lighter, asking the girls if they had any good plans for the break. That launched Jenny into a lengthy story about how her parents were taking her skiing. I figured the most exciting thing I’d be doing was spending some time in a rundown dump of a cabin. Yay.

  Finally, Sam announced that she had to leave because she had a date, and the party kind of disbanded. I walked them out, still pleased that my brother wasn’t around, and thus, neither were his friends. Back in my room, I chewed my lip and stared at my phone. There was a voicemail, but I couldn’t listen to it. I knew it would sway me. Instead, I steeled my resolve and picked up the phone, planning to just call. Then I chickened out and painted my nails. Nice one, Tara.

  As they were drying, I got a text. Almost scared, I read it. Calen.

  Babe, can I see you?

  Babe? That felt both weird and exhilarating at the same time. And, why was I focusing on that instead of the question. Could he see me? I wasn’t sure. But I knew I needed to talk to him. I knew what I had to do. I replied, telling him to come over. Seeing as the secret was out, he could now come over and actually see me, without pretense. I wondered if that would ruffle Will’s feathers.

  Even though I looked fine, I changed into a shirt that while still casual, showcased the girls a little better. What was I doing? Whatever, maybe looking good would translate into overall confidence. I heard a knock at my door, and quickly finger combed the waves in my hair. I took deep breath and said, “Come in.” The door opened and Calen slipped in, shutting the door behind him. I guess he wasn’t all that confident that Will was cool with all of this. Personally, after what he did, my concern with how Will felt about anything had plummeted. Like as in, a pebble being thrown into the Grand Canyon.

  Calen just stood there by the door for a second. Then he gave me a shy smile and said, “Hi.” He even included a little wave. It was really cute. And he looked So good. He was wearing track pants, but the way the material hugged his muscular thighs and….my eyes rose up. I forced myself to stop picturing how the pants looked from behind. His lips twitched up at one side, then settled back into a more serious expression.

  “Hi,” I replied. Apparently, that was all he needed. He immediately came towards me and I took a step back. He looked a little confused. I knew that I couldn’t let him touch me or I’d be lost, so I climbed onto the bed. Sitting cross-legged, Calen just stood in front of me. Because I was sitting and he was standing, he was kind of looking down on me. His gaze flicked to my chest and then back to my face. I mentally congratulated myself on the shirt choice. Hey, I was still a girl and he was still a hot guy.

  “Thanks for coming. Obviously, we needed to talk.” I decided to take the lead. He crossed his arms over his chest. Was there ever a time when he didn’t look good? An apprehensive look fleeted across his face before it settled back to unreadable. He was good.

  “What shall we talk about, Tara?” He asked, his voice steady. At the moment, I liked the teasing Calen way better than this impassive version of him.

  Trying to keep my voice steady, I replied, “What do you think?” He reached to touch my cheek with his hand and I leaned back. He froze as hurt flashed across his face. I was a cruel person. He didn’t say anything, just stood there. I knew I had to hold strong, but my heart was pounding, this time with something that seemed alarmingly similar to fear. I knew I didn’t want this, but I had to do it. I could never feel like I’d felt, not again. I knew if I did, I would never recover. And seriously, he deserved someone with a little less emotional baggage. You know, like less than a truckload.

  The situation seemed to be dawning on him. I watched as realization settled into his eyes…his beautiful green eyes that were slowly going flat. I was doing this to him. I should be taken out and shot. He took a step back and held up a hand, as if he could ward off the oncoming attack.

  He still hadn’t said anything else.

  My mouth was suddenly dry. The silence raged on. In that long moment, the worst possible thing happened. Suddenly all of Calen’s and my best moments started playing in my head. The big moments and the little ones: The dance at Homecoming, him pulling up next to me when I was jogging, our first kiss, our many subsequent kisses, his smile, his laugh, him holding me in his arms, watching TV and just cracking up….

  I thought I saw hope make a fleeting appearance on his face, his eyes flaring, before he clamped down on his emotions. Even as well as he projected calm, I realized that I knew him too well. I could read him, too. I forced myself to stop second guessing myself. If there was one thing I’d learned from my dad and mom, it was that I had to protect my heart and I was the only one who could do that. I thought I saw Calen shake his head imperceptibly. I was glad he wasn’t saying anything, it would make this even harder than it already was.

  “Calen,” I said, my voice sounding gravelly. I cleared my throat. He was so still, he reminded me of a statue…a statue of a Greek God. I tried again, but nothing would come out.

  “I thought we’d cleared this up. Will was wrong. There’s no one else but you.
How could there be?” He’d finally snapped into action. I guess he’d decided that he couldn’t go down without a fight.

  “This is not about that.” Well it was, but in a more round about way. It was more about the aftermath of that. He shook his head, taking another step back.

  “What I told you last night didn’t mean anything?” No, that was the problem. What he told me meant everything. I just couldn’t allow it to. “I won’t let you. I won’t let you do this.” He was definitely getting a little more worked up. He’d taken another step back and was now standing next to my desk.

  “Calen. Please.” I knew he knew what I was moving towards, but I just couldn’t find the right words.

  “No!” he yelled and slammed his hand down on the desk. It sounded like a gunshot. I flinched. “Please. Tara, please? Don’t do this. You can’t.”

  I could. I would. I just couldn’t look at him while I did it. It was so hard to convince myself that this was the right thing to do when my heart was shredding all over again. And from the look of it, so was Calen’s.

  “I know you, Tara. You don’t want this anymore than I do. And no, that’s not from some extrasensory perception…I know you. I trust you, Tara. We’ll get passed this, and be stronger for it.” His tone was so pained, the pleading clear.

  I crawled backwards until my back was against the wall that Will and I shared, closing my eyes. Not seeing his pain was the only way that this would work. “I just can’t feel like that again. Not ever again.” I kept my eyes closed.

  “You won’t. I won’t allow it,” Calen’s voice was hushed. How could he promise something like that?

  Right then I heard a girl’s voice through the wall. It was muffled but it sounded like, “Will!” followed by a giggle. I could not believe that I was going through this Hell while my brother was seducing some college chick next door. Suddenly all of my pain turned into rage. I jumped off the bed and charged out of my room. I had no idea what I was planning to do, but it was like I wasn’t in control of myself. I barely registered Calen’s confused look as I raced past him. Man, he must think I have multiple personalities or something.

  Outside Will’s door, I pounded on the wood with my fist. Apparently I could pound pretty loudly when I was pissed. There was a rustling sound and then Will cracked the door.

  “What?” His hair was mussed.

  “Could you please have a little respect? Must you bring home your skanky little conquests and subject me to hearing them through the wall?” He looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn’t entirely convinced that I wasn’t. Then, he looked pissed.

  Over his shoulder I heard Sam say, “Skanky? Fuck you, Tara.” What? Suddenly I couldn’t figure out what was real. Had I fallen down a rabbit hole? Will shot a glance over his shoulder and then he was pushed out of the way and Sam was standing there glaring at me. In her bra. “Take it back. Take back what you said, Tara.” I just stared at her. Too late, it was like all of the puzzle pieces slid into place. Will borrowing my car every weekend, Sam always having a date, Will mysteriously discovering that Calen and I were going “hot and heavy,” as he’d put it. Sam being so quiet during my story this afternoon. Will was dating Sam.

  And hiding it from me.

  First I laughed. Then I punched Will in the arm. Ok, not cool, but I was suddenly even more angry than I’d been. He had gotten all high and mighty with me when he was doing the exact same thing?! And why? I loved Sam. I would have been happy for her. Well, I would have pitied her that she was with Will, but I would still have been happy for them if they were happy. I’m not a bitch.

  Then I remembered what I was doing to Calen. Maybe I was a bitch. I turned around and headed back into my room. Calen hadn’t moved. I stood there in front of him and for a minute we just looked at each other. Then I kicked my trashcan. Seeing as I wasn’t even wearing shoes, all it accomplished was hurting my toes and spilling some trash. I grimaced. After the immediate pain, I looked back at Calen. How could he be fighting a laugh at a time like this? My eyes flashed.

  He got it together.

  “Will is totally dating Sam!” I yelled at Calen. His expression didn’t change. It only infuriated me more. “Did you hear me? Will and Sam are dating and Will kept it a secret!!” Calen continued to stare at me. I realized he either thought I was a hypocrite, or that I was overreacting. “I don’t freaking care that he’s dating Sam. Good for them. She’s awesome. But he is completely doing the same thing that he bitched me out for doing!” I was going to kill Will. Then I started musing about what he would look like without eyebrows after I snuck in when he was sleeping and shaved them off. Calen stifled a laugh.

  That’s when I realized something: he wasn’t surprised about Sam. Now my fury became directed towards him. “You knew! You knew and you didn’t tell me? You let Will yell at us and make me feel ashamed and feel like we’d been sneaking around?” That got his attention.

  “It was not my secret to tell, Tara.” He spoke so calmly, and here I was kicking trashcans. That made me even more mad! “Besides,” he continued, “Will never told me, I just kind of knew.” I thought my head was going to explode. After this was over, I was really going to have to seek help for anger management.

  “But he was so mean to me. And you didn’t even tell me! If I’d known, I wouldn’t have felt so shitty about lying to him.” Calen just stood there looking at me. His calmness and lack of reaction was so infuriating, especially in contrast with my complete loss of control. I clenched my fists at my sides and squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to release a scream of frustration. He took advantage of my momentary blindness because suddenly his arms were around me and he was holding me so close, yet delicately as if I might break. I sucked in a quivering breath.

  Calen’s voice was low but steely in my ear. “Believe me Tara, had I known he was going to do that, I would have told you. But Will surprised even me. And you left the room. Haven’t you wondered why he changed his mind and apologized? He and I had a little talk.” Oh. Calen had thrown down for me. Sweet.

  “And as for us “creeping,” he continued, “I really didn’t care one way or the other as to who you felt like telling. Like I’d said to you, you were in charge of how public you wanted our relationship to be and as long as I got to be with you, that was all that mattered. And truthfully, your brother must be an idiot for not having figured it out.” Ladies and Gentleman: the truest statement of the year. Where exactly did Will think Calen was disappearing off to for extended periods of time, while he and I made out?

  I was still wrapped in Calen’s embrace when I heard him laugh, his chest rumbling against me. What was so funny?

  “I really wish I had videoed you kicking that trashcan.” Jerk.

  I pulled away. His face broke into a grin. He knew I couldn’t go through with what I’d planned…Broken hearts be damned. How could ending things be right if it hurt so much? And I wasn’t talking about how I feared for myself, I was talking about how Calen being hurt, hurt me. I couldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t.

  Life’s a bitch, but I didn’t have to be one as well.

  ꧁24꧂

  After making sure, I mean really sure, that we still knew how to kiss each other, we were just lying on my bed talking. This was too right. What had I been thinking? Calen had his arm under the back of my neck and his hand was drawing lazy designs on my upper arm. It was delightful. I was so relaxed, but I refused to fall asleep. I didn’t want to waste this moment.

  “Where would you live if you could live anywhere?” he asked. Hmmm. I had to think.

  “I don’t know, Italy? I like a Mediterranean climate. Or someplace like Belize. Tropical and vibrant with color.” This wasn’t something I’d ever thought about.

  “Not Jamaica?” I could hear the amusement in his voice. I guess I really had sounded kind of spacey going on about steel drums when we were driving up to the cabin. I felt my cheeks warm. I also felt a little thrill that he remembered that, despite the fact that we weren’t eve
n together then. I snuggled closer to him and he reached his free arm across my stomach and pulled me to him. Rolling me so that I was partially on top of him, we stared into each other’s eyes. His body was so warm and large, so strong, as he embraced me.

  “What about you?”

  “Anywhere that you are,” he immediately responded. Then he pulled me to him and kissed me.

  ***

  Since it was Winter Break, I didn’t see as much of Sarah as I’d have liked. I did see a lot of Sam. It was actually kind of nice, since I got to hang out with her when my brother’s friends took over. It was a relief to not be the only girl. Plus, Will lay off on the insults when she was around. Maybe he was maturing.

  Doubtful.

  It was a few days until Christmas and I was in my living room. Calen had just left, after spending the afternoon with me snuggled in my bed. We were still taking things slow, so it was more about just having the comfort of each other close than anything else. Sometimes I went to Calen’s, but I found that every time I did, I hoped I could avoid his grandfather. For some reason, the man made me uncomfortable, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was none too pleased that I was with his grandson. It made sense, since Calen was so amazing and I was so not, but it still stung.

  I must have had a really lame smile on my face as I remembered our afternoon in bed because suddenly I heard laughter. I looked up and Zach was standing there after apparently letting himself in.

  “Hi Zachy,” I said, grinning at him. He grinned back.

  “Hey, Princess.” I fake rolled my eyes as he plopped down on the couch next to me.

  “Will’s upstairs,” I offered. Zach didn’t move. I leaned farther back into the couch and sighed. “I really should go running,” I said, mostly to myself.

  “I do not understand how you can run so much,” Zach commented, shaking his head, “but I can’t say I mind the pants.” He smiled lazily, and stared off a bit, as if at a memory. Ok, that was weird. But I got it. It was Zach, but he was still a dude and I was still a chick who pranced by in skintight running pants. I might need to re-think my running clothes. First Calen, now Zach. I almost laughed.