“What’s wrong with your face?” he asked. Gee, thanks.
“Just open the stupid thing,” I said, exasperated. He did.
“Excellent!” He declared.
I felt a surge of pride. I had taken a trip into Santa Cruz and hit up this super sweet record store that they have. I’d been really excited to find 3 vinyls that I knew he wanted. By the look on his face, I had done good. Nice. “Wow. Tar, these are awesome. Thank you.”
And then he hugged me.
And the sun started orbiting the earth.
Like I said, Will wasn’t big on physical affection. I was speechless. I hugged him back, nonetheless. I hated him 90% of the time, but he was my big brother and he was kind of all I had left. Finally, he pulled away.
Then he did something that surprised me. He went to his closet and pulled out a plastic bag and threw it at me. What? I looked inside and there was a little device. It looked like a reflector, but it also had a button to turn on a light. I looked at it, slightly confused.
“It attaches to your shoe laces…in case it gets dark before you get home from running,” Will supplied, suddenly looking awkward. Cool. I could definitely use this, especially since it was getting dark so early now. Also in the bag was a T-shirt from one of my favorite local bands. Oh my god, my brother had a soul. I immediately chastised myself.
“Will, these are awesome! Thank you so much. I can totally use the shoe thing, and you know I love this band. That was so sweet of you.” I almost hugged him again, but I think he sensed it and stepped back.
“Yeah, whatever.” He feigned indifference, but I knew my brother almost as well as I knew myself. I could tell he was pleased that I’d liked the gifts. Knowing not to push it, I stuffed my presents back in the bag. Of course, only a dude would give you a Christmas present in a shopping bag. I turned to leave, stopping at the door and looking at him, but he was examining his new records.
“Thanks, Will,” I said, a soft smile playing on my lips. He nodded absently and I left.
***
Back in my room, I felt restless. I’d been tense about what Will would do, or think, about my present. I’d worked hard to find him what he wanted, but I had been worried he would be rude about it, or worse…indifferent. I think I had touched him, or at least I hoped so. I reminded myself that I wasn’t the only one who was spending Christmas like it was just another day.
He was just too good at hiding his emotions. It made it so that I forgot that we were in the same situation. I wished he’d let me comfort him sometimes. I know I wished he’d comfort me. But that was Will.
By now, it was around 8:30. I figured most families were either done with dinner and cleaning up, or just hanging out. I pretended not to care. Just when I thought I’d be going to bed like an old person, my phone buzzed.
Merry Christmas. I’m coming over.
I smiled. Maybe I wasn’t as alone as I’d been feeling.
He knocked on my bedroom door and then let himself in. I blushed a little thinking about how casual and comfortable we’d become with each other. Sauntering over to me and leaning down, Calen gave me a kiss. “Merry Christmas, my little sugarplum fairy.” He had it in his head that I was somehow adorably small. I hated to break it to him that I was just short and he was epically huge. Oh well.
“Merry Christmas.” I smiled at him. I’d been reading a magazine on my bed, which I tossed aside when he sat down next to me. Sitting cross-legged, I nudged his shoulder. “So?”
“So?” he asked, smiling softly. I could just look at him forever.
“Get anything good for Christmas?” He shook his head.
“My Grandfather gave me a bunch of stuff that is nice and expensive, but you know I don’t care about that kind of thing.” I thought of his car. He was so indifferent to it.
“Well, but it’s the thought that counts, right? It’s sweet that he does that for you.”
“Yeah, it is. I am very grateful to him. Without him, I’d be god knows where.” Calen got a far off look on his face and I could only imagine how thankful he truly was. What if his grandfather hadn’t been around to take Calen in when his parents had died?
“I’m grateful that he was there for you as well.” I smiled at him, meaning every word of it. Then I hopped off the bed and reached under it. I was feeling super shy again. Crap. I pulled out a box, also wrapped yesterday, and handed it to him. I could barely meet his eyes. Finally forcing myself, I said uncertainly, “Merry Christmas?” I could have killed myself. Why did I say that like it was a question?! Calen chuckled.
Then, he unwrapped and opened the box. He pulled out a sweater, the most beautiful shade of green. I’d seen it and it was the only thing I’d ever seen that came close to the color of his eyes. It was a masculine cable knit, and had a couple of chunky brown buttons at the throat, which could be left open or closed. He inspected it appreciatively. Suddenly I felt horrible, since he’d said he didn’t care about getting ‘stuff’.
“I know you picked this specially for me…that means a lot. Thank you, Tara,” he said.
“It reminded me of your eyes,” I responded. I was only making this more awkward. Worse still was that I had a second present in my hand. I wanted to quickly chuck it back under the bed, but he was staring at me. What had I been thinking? I must have been lobotomized a while back. I pressed my lips together and tried to avert my eyes but they could rarely stand looking away from Calen when he was in the room. Apparently, he was still watching me. Damn him. Wasn’t there something more interesting to look at?
I gave up and handed him the second package and he gave me an inquisitive look. It was a much smaller box than the first. Calen opened it slowly, nothing like Will, whose presents always looked like he’d taken a weed whacker to them. Then he gently lifted off the lid. A grin spread across his face. That was a good sign, right?
Calen pulled out the simple black frame from the box. In it, I knew, was a 4x6 picture. Sarah had snapped it of us one night when we were all hanging out. I had my head thrown back in laughter, and next to me, Calen was watching me with the most adoring look on his face. When she’d given it to me, I’d almost cried. Then she’d almost cried. It was hilarious.
I had worried it was weird to give him a picture of us.
But I loved that picture and part of me hoped that he might too. It was a beautiful moment captured in time, and I treasured it. It felt a little presumptuous, like I expected him to display it or something, but I didn’t. I just wanted him to have it. And, it seemed weird to just give someone a photo, so I’d found that little frame.
All these sentiments had run through my mind but Calen had resumed staring at the picture. When he looked up, he seemed so happy. “Thank you.” His voice was a little hoarse. Calen glanced at it again, setting it down on the bed. I was still standing there awkwardly as he came to me and kissed me, cradling my face softly in his hands. I felt so cherished.
Pulling away, and walking towards the door, I realized he’d come in with a messenger bag in which I’d assumed was his laptop or something. He brought it to the bed where I had sat down. Reaching inside, Calen pulled out two smallish packages. Both had been wrapped with the comics section of the newspaper. I smiled as I met his eye and he looked sheepishly at me. “At least I used the Sunday edition so you’d get color.” I laughed.
Handing both to me, the look on his face told me that it was apparently his turn to feel apprehensive. I was just thrilled that he’d thought of me. This relationship was Awesome! I opened the first one slowly, the package pliable under my fingers. It was a very soft winter hat, in a heather blue. It was a little slouchy and when I ran to the mirror and tried it on, angling the excess material towards the back, even I thought I looked adorable. My little heart shaped face beamed back at me.
Turning around to show it off, Calen nodded appreciatively. He’d apparently known it would look great. I swallowed. Calen had shopped for me. For me. I took a deep breath. Kissing him on the cheek, and leaving the ha
t on, I opened the second package, pulling out a book. It had a gorgeous brown leather cover that had been beautifully tooled. I flipped the pages, all of which were fresh and blank. It was a journal. The leather felt so good, supple and soft, and it smelled wonderfully.
“I just thought that you might find it helps when you can write down things that you’re thinking, but don’t want to talk about.” Oh my god. How did he know me so well? I had died and gone to boyfriend heaven.
“Oh Calen.” I was practically getting the vapors. I threw my arms around his neck, pulling him close. “Thank you,” I whispered. My cheek resting against his, I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent. When I opened my eyes and pulled away, it almost looked like his eyes were moist. It was probably just the lighting.
“So, has this Christmas lived up to your expectations?” I suddenly sounded saucy. I don’t know why, but I had an urge to lighten the mood. Maybe I just figured that we were both missing people today, and that since we had each other, we should be joyful.
He smiled wickedly at me. “Well I don’t know…it’s not over yet.”
“You know, Santa doesn’t bring you things that aren’t on your list. You have to ask for what you want.” I cocked an eyebrow. What had gotten into me?
“Oh, what I want already knows it.” Oooh. He was as bad as me. We stared at each other lustfully, and then he kissed me. But really, it was such a beautiful and sweet kiss, I knew he’d just been playing around like I was. We lay side by side on the bed, looking at each other. Then he said softly, “Thank you Tara. Your gifts were wonderful and sweet. I’m too lucky. I’d already gotten what I wanted for Christmas.”
“What?” My voice was so quiet.
“You.”
I wondered if it was bad that my body had gone numb.
“I wasn’t kidding that night, Tara. I love you.” I was speechless. “And, you
have a sweet ass.” His hand caressed it, as if to convey the point.
“I love you, Calen,” I whispered. He smiled. He knew how hard it was for me to allow myself to be open and vulnerable like that.
At some point, much later on, Calen had extricated himself from my death grip and gone home. I thought I remembered him kissing my forehead, but I was so blissfully relaxed that it barely roused me. I could get used to falling asleep beside him.
꧁26꧂
We made plans for New Year’s Eve. I had discussed it with the girls and we’d decided that since my house was available, we’d have a New Year’s party. I was actually excited. I’d never really done anything for the holiday, usually either staying up to watch the ball drop, or just going to bed early. There was one year that our parents were gone for the night and Beth convinced me to try a drink she’d made me. Apparently it had been just vodka, peach schnapps, and a tiny bit of orange juice. She made me drink the whole thing. Let’s just say, there was a reason that I had been slightly sympathetic about Will’s situation after his birthday. My stomach soured at the memory.
Sarah and Lisa came over early to help me make the place slightly festive. We hung a couple of goofy garlands in the living room, then moved a little furniture around so that there was a small area to dance in. Will’s job was to get a little booze, but I specifically instructed him to get champagne. I was not planning on reliving that previous schnapps experience.
At one point, my mom came downstairs, glancing at me standing on a chair while Sarah handed me pieces of tape so that I could secure the garland. Not saying anything, she just kept walking into the kitchen. I had assumed as much.
“So I guess it’s cool that we have the party?” Lisa’s voice was a little uncertain.
“Yeah, totally,” I said, but I had this nagging ache in my heart.
Eventually, we went upstairs and started going through our outfit choices. Jenny showed up, dragging half her closet with her. Between the four of us, we came up with some killer looks. Sarah had confided in me that she was confidant that tonight was the night that she’d work up the nerve to talk to Zach. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t tell her what had happened between us. I just hoped that he’d moved on and might actually consider her.
I had this little black dress that was sleeveless and gathered at the waist. It had these sweet petals, made from the same fabric as the rest of the dress, that decorated the neckline and one shoulder. I was a little reluctant to wear it because it stopped mid thigh, but the girls told me it was a must and that I looked great. Staring at my legs when I had tried it on, Jenny chimed in, “I guess we now see why she runs so much. Look at those gams!” I just laughed.
“Well, at least we’re confidant that you know what you’re doing about shoes.” That was Sarah. They were all too familiar with my towering heel fetish. Hey, a girl is allowed a weakness. Choosing some sky high simple black open-toed pumps, with a little bit of platform and a decorative zipper that ran up the heel, I was set.
Jenny chose a little strapless cobalt blue dress that was slightly A-line, and Lisa stayed conservative in a longer flowing navy dress. Sarah surprised us all by producing a super cute onesie, in a deep purple. It was strapless and the pants hugged her rear perfectly. Sam showed up right at that point, bringing her teeny tiny crimson dress with her. You had to give it to her, the girl had guts. Will would love it. I tried to push that thought out of my head as quickly as it had entered.
Sarah did all of our makeup, and damn, if we didn’t look good. She curled my hair and then pulled it up at the sides, so that it was pulled away from my face but cascaded down my back. I gazed at myself in the mirror and blushed. I was showing way more leg than usual and my eyes sparkled. I felt very smug knowing that Calen would be pleased.
People would be arriving soon, so I ushered the girls downstairs. This way, it sort of looked like a party had already started when others arrived. I knew Will was home, probably playing video games or something equally inappropriate, because there was a big box in the kitchen filled with alcohol. I shook my head. I was So not allowing this much to be accessible. We’d have pukers everywhere! I quickly hid a couple of bottles and then put some beer in the fridge. Thankfully he’d gotten the champagne I’d requested so I started it chilling. I also made sure we had plenty of soda and seltzer water. This wasn’t a frat party, for crying out loud.
I’d gotten snacks and set them out when I heard the doorbell ring. Mike and Paul charged on in, per Will’s friends’ MO, and plopped down on the couch. They looked like they’d actually tried, although they were wearing jeans. But, their shirts had buttons on them, so that was a first. I noticed that they were checking out my friends, and seemed to like the merchandise. Well, you never knew... I got the stereo playing some music, putting on some Led Zeppelin, but I knew once Will appeared he’d commandeer the role as DJ. That was fine with me, he and I actually shared similar enough taste in music that I trusted him.
As if I’d summoned him with my mind, Will came stomping down the stairs.
And I was the ungraceful one. Hmph. He turned the corner and saw Sam. His mouth literally dropped open. Then he went straight over and planted a kiss on her, the likes of which should have been against the law for his sister to witness. I fought the urge to retch.
Still, I had to admit, I was happy for him. Happy for them. I guess that’s what happens when you, yourself, were happy. Then I just sort of stared off into space contemplating what I’d just thought. I’d referred to myself as happy. I hadn’t been happy in so long that I couldn’t even remember the last time I would have considered knowing happiness. Wow. Calen deserved a reward.
Then I blushed when I thought about how that sounded.
I was still standing there in a daze when I sensed a little electricity in the room. I turned and there stood Calen. He was standing in the doorway of the living room, staring at me. Not like Will had at Sam, not awkwardly, but I knew I had affected him.
It was my turn to just take him in. He was wearing dark dress pants and they fit him so well that they looked like they’d been made for
him. The collar of his light dress shirt was visible at the neck of his sweater…the sweater I had given him for Christmas. And damn, it looked good. He looked good.
Will snorted. I tore my eyes away from Calen and glared at Will. What was his problem?
“If you guys are just going to stand there staring at each other all night, we can all leave,” he said. I closed my eyes for a beat, steadying my breathing. This, coming from a guy who had literally sprinted across the room to shove his tongue down his girlfriend’s throat? I just shook my head. Ignoring him, I went to Calen.
As I approached him, the attraction was palpable. He still hadn’t moved. I guess I looked good. Go me. In my crazy heels, I wasn’t as tiny as usual, so when I reached him I didn’t even have to stand on my toes to kiss him. It was chaste, due to the room full of eyeballs that I knew were glued to us, but powerful nonetheless.
Looking at me, his eyes told a thousand stories and they were all about how hot he found me. I was giddy.
“Hi, babe,” I said shyly. He smiled.
“You look amazing,” he said. His eyes traveled the length of me again, lingering on my exposed legs. I guess the girls were right. I fought the urge to giggle. Instead I simply smiled at him.
“You look awfully good yourself.” He winked at me. I worried my legs would give out. The only thing that kept me relaxed was knowing that if they did, Calen would catch me.
“I’ll always catch you when you fall,” Calen whispered. Sometimes it wasn’t so bad to have someone be able to read you, I thought. I captured his hand and pulled him farther into the living room. Then I asked him to go say hi to Will, since I had to do a little more party prep. He nodded. I was still concerned about their relationship and I wanted to encourage them to feel comfortable around each other. It would kill me if I’d ruined their friendship.
I hurried around, making sure things were just right. Slowly, people poured in. I had been right about Will taking over the music, but I’d also been right about the fact that I liked most of his choices. Sometimes, it disturbed me when I acknowledged similarities between us. I usually tried to pretend that I’d been switched at birth, although the fact that we shared the exact same golden hazel eyes sort of destroyed my theory. Telling myself that I needed to get out of my head, I went into the kitchen.
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 20
