The Wanderers Beginning: The Wanderers, Reborn, & Unforgiven

by Jessica Miller

  “I don’t know if I’ll be able to get away. We’re supposed to be spending ‘family time’ together,” I said, air quoting the words.

  “Fudge that. This is our last weekend together before we head off to school. Can’t you get out of it?”

  “Josie, it’s not like we won’t see each other again. We are going to the same school.”

  “Yeah, but it’s a big school and we’ll be taking different classes,” she voiced concern.

  “I’ll see what I can do, but no promises. My mom was really excited about all of us being here together this weekend.”

  “Yeah, well, that might change. I overheard my dad say they were working on some big deal this weekend that would require most of your dad’s attention.”

  “Hello Josie,” my mom said as she walked into the kitchen.

  “Hi Mrs. McCallister,” Josie greeted.

  “I just talked to your mother and she wanted me to let you know that she would be at the spa all day and your father would be busy working and asked that you make sure Jake gets something to eat.”

  “Typical. Where else would she be?” Josie groaned.

  “You and Jake are more than welcome to join us for dinner,” my mom offered. Josie accepted, not wanting to have to spend all day alone with her brother. “What do you girls have planned for tonight?”

  I looked at my mom questioningly. “I didn’t make plans because I thought we were doing family stuff.”

  My mom’s shoulders dropped and I could see slight disappointment in her eyes. “Unfortunately your father has some business to take care of tonight but he assured me it would not interfere with the rest of the weekend.”

  I reached for my mom’s hand and squeezed it gently. My father rarely put his business before his family but sometimes even he couldn’t control it. I could tell my mom was trying not to let it bother her. She knew he would rather spend time with his family than be working.

  The news of my freedom made Josie perk up. “Good, now we can go to Kevin’s party tonight!” she cheered, a little too enthusiastically.

  “Kevin’s?” I said skeptical.

  “Oh, sorry, we can do something else,” Josie said now realizing.

  “No it’s fine,” I replied not wanting to spoil her night.

  Kevin was Kyle’s twin brother. I haven’t seen or talked to him since Kyle’s funeral. I knew I’d eventually run into him and I thought it might be a good thing to see him and talk to him. Maybe talking to him would help.

  Josie and I spent the rest of the day in my room talking about school. Wondering what it would be like, all the different classes we were taking, the new people we would meet, and so on.

  After a while we switched topics as Josie started to raid my closet for something to wear tonight. “Seriously Ella, you need to update your wardrobe,” she said as she threw clothes all over my bed and the floor.

  “What’s wrong with my wardrobe?” I asked a little offended.

  “None of this is suitable party wear.”

  “That’s because I didn’t pack my suitcase nor did I plan on going to a party this weekend.”

  “Well…that settles it. We’re going shopping,” she said, hands on hips, smiling.

  With a sigh I obliged and asked my mom if she wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on Jake while we went shopping. “No problem honey. Just be back in time for dinner,” she said, reaching into her purse and handing me some cash and the keys to the car. Josie took my hand and pulled me out the door in a hurry.

  We spent about two hours shopping at the local Mall. Every outfit I picked out Josie vetoed. I told her she would just have to pick out an outfit for me hoping I wouldn’t regret saying that later.

  Before we hit the next store we decided to stop at the food court to grab some lattes to refuel and that’s when we ran into Kevin. “Hi Ella…Josie.”

  “Hi Kevin…how are you?” I asked, a little hesitantly.

  “Good…I,” he started to say until his girlfriend, Marissa, interrupted us.

  Marissa wrapped her arms around Kevin’s neck and gave him a kiss that said, ‘He’s mine’, obviously not realizing who Kevin was talking to. Kevin pulled back and cleared his throat, nudging Marissa. “Oh hi Ella,” Marissa said, giving me a friendly smile and glaring at Josie. “I didn’t even recognize that was you.”

  “I’m sure,” I thought to myself. “You’re coming to the party tonight right?”

  I was about to tell her yes, when Kevin butted in, “I’m sure Ella has better things to do than hang out with a bunch of drunks.” I had a feeling he thought me being in that house would be hard.

  “Actually, I don’t…Josie and I will be there.” I smiled at Kevin trying to let him know not to worry about me so much.

  “Great! See ya tonight,” Marissa said. She glared at Josie again before walking away and shaking her behind as she joined the rest of her friends.

  I could see Josie’s face was starting to get red and decided to end the conversation. “I’ll see ya?” I directed at Kevin.

  “Yeah…I’m glad you’re coming,” he said, giving me an awkward hug. He waved goodbye and I watched him as he rejoined his girlfriend. I was more worried about how he was handling everything than I was about me.

  “That was weird,” Josie said interrupting my thoughts. “You sure you want to go to the party tonight? If not I completely understand.”

  “Josie it’s fine, really. Besides, someone needs to be there to protect you from Marissa.”

  “Ha!” she scoffed. “More like someone needs to protect her from me.”

  “C’mon.” I put my arm around her waist and pulled her in the direction of the next store. For some reason unbeknownst to me, Josie and Marissa despised each other. I only heard the rumors, but Josie denied every one of them. Josie was my best friend so if she said something wasn’t true I believed her.

  We ended up being very successful in our little shopping trip. The outfit Josie picked out for me was surprisingly my style and definitely something I’d wear.

  After dinner I showed my mom the outfit I bought and then Josie and I got ready for the party. I slipped on my new jeans and top Josie had picked out for me while she spun in front of the mirror checking herself out. She let me pick out her outfit for tonight. I went with a cute cap sleeved, short, black dress. I think the only reason she agreed on it was because it had a low cut neckline.

  Once we finished getting ready we took Jake home and then headed to the party. My mom dropped us off and I told her I’d call if I couldn’t find a ride home. I probably could have walked back if I wanted to. It was only about a mile. But no way would my mom let me walk home at night in the woods.

  I gave my mom a kiss goodbye and then hopped out of the car and waited while Josie fiddled with her dress. “It’s fine,” I groaned and smacked her hand away. If she adjusted the top any lower her boobs would pop out. She rolled her eyes at my disapproving look and dragged me toward the party.

  I only made it halfway down the walk way when my feet suddenly felt like they were sinking in quick sand. I stood outside the expansive, two floor cabin watching all the other party goers walk inside. I was a little apprehensive about coming tonight. I thought I could deal with being here, but at that moment seriously began having second thoughts.

  Josie noticed my hesitation and came to stand beside me. “You can still change your mind if you want,” she said, looking at me sympathetically.

  I took a deep breath and let it out. “No. I can do this. I should do this.”

  Josie smiled at me reassuringly and took my hand. “Baby steps.”

  I squeezed her hand as she led the way inside. The cabin was packed top to bottom with kids from our high school and a few from who knows where. There were drinks and snacks everywhere and the music was blaring. I got a few stares and whispers from some of the kids as we made our way through the house. “Can’t believe she’s here,” “Oh my god,” “Wow,” they said.

  “Just ignore them,” Jos
ie whispered to me.

  Halfway through the crowd we were stopped by Marissa. “Ella! So glad you could make it!” she cheered. Stumbling, she gave me a sloppy hug; indicating she had already started drinking. I just smiled at her politely. “C’mon, you need a drink!” She navigated through the horde of bodies and directed me into the kitchen. I looked at Josie, pleading with my eyes to help me, but she was distracted by some cute boy she had struck up a conversation with.

  We ran into the rest of Marissa’s clan inside the kitchen, and it was obvious they’d already had a few drinks themselves. “Hey guys, you remember Ella,” Marissa said shoving me into the midst of her group. The girls said hi and I smiled back politely. “Okay, Ella needs a drink!”

  “Um…I’m okay, really,” I said, trying to politely dodge the offer.

  “Nonsense!” Marissa said, handing me a cup full of god knows what. “It’s a party…drink!”

  “Why not?” I thought. Maybe it might help me relax a little. I took a sip of the beverage handed to me and regretted it the moment it hit my tongue. I had to hide the disgust on my face. It was the worst thing I had ever tasted.

  Marissa watched my reaction. “Good, right?” she said, misunderstanding my wide eyed expression. “Chloe made it.” I regretfully swallowed and nodded my head. “Here try this,” Chloe said handing me a shot.

  “Did you make these too?” I asked Chloe, trying not to sound panicked.

  “No,” she replied.

  “Thank god,” I thought, and took the shot. It tasted like a Snickers candy bar. I enjoyed it so much I took another. “Woo!” they all cheered taking another one as well.

  “Let’s dance,” Marissa shouted, making a conga line into the living room.

  I reluctantly followed and found Josie in the designated dancing area already talking to a different boy. I strode right up to her and she grabbed the cup from my hand, took a sip, and instantly spit it out on the floor. Marissa’s crew shrieked and scoffed at Josie. “What the hell was that? Ugh it was nasty!” Josie was never one for subtlety.

  “Nice going, bitch!” Marissa squealed.

  “C’mon Ella, let’s go where there are less toxins,” Josie said narrowing her eyes at Marissa and escorting me outside to where there was a bonfire going.

  The fire was warm and inviting. People were standing around cooking hotdogs and roasting marshmallows. Josie skewered a marshmallow with a stick and handed it to me. “I don’t know how you can stand hanging out with them.”

  “I wasn’t hanging out with them. I was just being polite,” I said. Josie rolled her eyes at me and I nudged her with my elbow. She cracked a smile and I laughed as we enjoyed the fresh air.

  While I twirled my marshmallow in the fire so it wouldn't burn, I caught a glimpse of someone off in the distance. It was Kevin and he was sitting by himself on the edge of the dock, staring out into the open water. My therapist told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to talk about what happened. That I should open up to people because talking helped. I wasn’t exactly convinced she was right, but I thought I should give it a try. I turned to Josie and handed her my stick. “I’ll be right back,” I told her. She looked at me confused. I pointed in the direction of Kevin and she nodded her head that she understood.

  I took my time walking down to the dock, contemplating what I would say. I never really talked to anyone about the accident, but if I was going to do it now I knew Kevin would be the one I should talk to first.

  When I reached him, I could tell there was something wrong. His tense body told me he wasn’t in a sociable mood so I approached cautiously. “Is this seat taken?” I gestured to the empty spot next to him. I knew I startled him when he flinched slightly. He quickly relaxed when he saw it was me and patted the seat alongside of him.

  Neither of us said anything at first. I stared out onto the lake watching the moon glisten off of the water, casting a beautiful, bright light. It almost appeared magical. “It’s my fault,” Kevin said breaking the silence.

  “What’s your fault?” I questioned, confused.

  “Kyle’s dead because of me.”

  “No he’s not. Why would you think that?” I always blamed myself for Kyle’s death. Saying it was my fault because it was my idea to come up to the cabin that weekend. Hearing Kevin blame himself made my chest hurt.

  “The weekend you guys were supposed to come here, was supposed to be the weekend after.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, not understanding.

  “I wanted to use the cabin that weekend so I told Kyle he had to come the weekend before or I’d rat him out for sneaking out while he was grounded. It should have been me, not him.”

  “Kevin don’t say that. It is not your fault.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “There’s no way it would have made a difference when we went. I think it would have happened regardless. Some things you just can’t control.” I didn’t really believe that, but I didn’t know what else to say so I just recited what everyone else kept telling me.

  With his shoulders slumped, he cocked his head to the side and looked at me. “How are you handling it? You can’t tell me you really believe that bullshit you just fed me.”

  “There’s no getting anything past you is there?” I sighed. I should have known better. “It’s not easy, trust me, but I’m dealing.”

  “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “No…it’s okay…it helps to talk about it.”

  “It does,” Kevin said, putting his arm around my shoulder. “Kyle really loved you, you know.”

  “I know,” I sighed.

  “He always told me to keep an eye on you. To make sure you were okay in case one day he couldn’t be here to do it himself.”

  I smiled. Kyle was many things and one of them was having a way of sometimes being overprotective. I wouldn’t have expected anything less. “Almost sounds like he knew this would happen.”

  “Weird right?” Kevin said, thinking it over for a minute. “But then Kyle always knew things no one else did. I’ve always wondered about that.”

  He was right. Kyle had incredible intuition. Sometimes he would jokingly say that he was psychic and I would laugh with him. I missed his laugh.

  “How are you coping with everything?” I asked. Kyle had once told me that being a twin; he and his brother shared a different type of bond than other siblings. He said it was hard to describe but the best way to explain it was that they could feel what was going on with each other even when the other wasn't around, like they knew if the other was hurt or needed help. I always thought that was fascinating.

  Kevin looked down at his hands as if the answer was somehow written there. “It gets a little easier each day.” He let out a sigh and took a sip of his drink. “Sometimes I feel like he's here with me. You know, like watching over me. Does that sound weird?”

  “Not at all,” I said giving him a sympathetic smile. I felt that way, too, sometimes.

  “Plus this helps,” he said holding up his cup.

  I took the cup Kevin was holding and took a sip, instantly spitting it back out. I remember that putrid taste – Chloe’s concoction. “Uh…how can you drink this?”

  “It’s rancid. I know,” he chuckled. “But it does the job.” He took a sip and made a face. “On second thought,” he said pouring the rest of it into the lake as we both laughed. “You have a beautiful smile. You know that?” He tilted his head slightly and looked at me. He had a strange look in his eyes.

  “Thanks,” I blushed. “You know Kyle used to –” before I had a chance to finish my sentence he kissed me. I pushed him away stunned. “Kevin!”

  “I’m so sorry…I…I don’t know what I was thinking.” This was so unlike him. I’ve known him and Kyle since I was five and Kevin was always the rational one. He never made crazy decisions or rash moves. I was so beside myself I didn’t know what to say. “Shit, I’m sorry. I really messed up didn’t I?” he said, embarrassed.

  “It’s okay,” I
said trying to make him feel better. “Don’t worry about it. It was nothing. Minor lapse of judgment,” I joked hoping to relieve some of the tension. The more I thought about it, it really was nothing. I knew deep down Kevin wasn’t the type of guy to take advantage of me. I knew he was hurting and just looking for comfort and at that moment I was the closest thing.

  “I can see why Kyle loved you so much,” he said.

  We sat there for a moment in awkward silence.

  “C’mon, let’s go back to the party and get a real drink.” He laughed as he stood up and then helped me to my feet.

  “There you are!” Marissa called as she stood at the tip of the dock. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Where have you been?” I turned to Kevin and gave him an apologetic look before wandering off to find Josie.

  I found her inside dancing with a few of our friends. They looked like they were having fun so I walked over to join them. Josie embraced me in a tight hug when she saw me. “You okay?” she asked, wondering how my talk with Kevin went.

  “Yes. Yes I am,” I smiled feeling good for the first time tonight. I thought having to face my past would be a bad idea, but it ended up giving me some closure. Something I never thought I could get and now that I did I could look forward to all the great things to come in the future. I knew I would never forget Kyle and I knew a part of me would never stop missing him, but I had to move on. I wasn’t ready before, but I think I am now. Feeling more at ease, I closed my eyes, and swayed my hips to the music and just let myself go.

  Josie and I spent the rest of the night dancing and hanging with old friends. I ended up enjoying myself and was glad I came. Sometime around 1:00 am, I called Dean to come pick us up. I did not want to wake up my mom this late; even though she told me to call her no matter what time it was.

  After I hung up the phone with Dean, I stayed outside, and waited while Josie flirted with one of the many boys she met tonight. I caught a glimpse of her through the open door. She was laughing and playfully hitting the guy she told me earlier ‘had good potential’. I smiled thinking how much I would miss her. Even though we were going to the same school, she was right. We had no idea how often we would really see each other.