“No,” I answered, shaking my head. “She will never understand about me, not unless you also tell her my secrets. I hope you will not do that, Sir, as they are my secrets, not yours.”
I know my voice took on a hard edge as I spoke, but I had been satisfied to be known as Richard’s mistress, I had been happy not to feel that I was different to other women and I did not want it revealed to anyone that I was flawed.
“If that is what you truly want,” he said, “then I will honour your wishes, always.”
He still looked doubtful and I felt I had to try to explain. Whether he, as a man, would ever really understand I had no idea.
“Do you know what happened to me a week or so ago?” I paused while he shook his head slowly, a concerned frown on his handsome features. “I was out riding, alone, when my horse threw a shoe. I waited in the village inn while their blacksmith tended to my horse and while I was taking refreshments, a gentlemen approached me and asked if he could be of assistance.”
“Did he say anything untoward?”
“Not straight away, no,” I replied reassuringly. “He warned me that a woman alone would likely be cheated and he offered his services to see that did not happen, and to escort me home. That is as far as he got before the blacksmith’s boy came in and told me my horse was ready and to ask should they send the account to Lord Summerville as usual.”
I could not help laughing as I recalled the angry look on the stranger’s face, the look of absolute outrage.
“You told him yes, of course,” Richard was saying.
“I did. But that is not what the tale is about.” I smiled to recall it, then continued. “The man was angry, I could see, but then he said: ‘forgive me. I did not know you were Lord Summerville’s whore’.”
A look of pure fury crossed Richard’s face, but I took his hand to reassure him.
“He meant to insult me,” I told him, “but he paid me the compliment of believing me capable of such a role. That is why I want my secrets kept, so that I have no need to feel that anyone is thinking I am different.”
“He is fortunate that you cannot tell me his name,” Richard said angrily.
“Your new Countess,” I told him, “you do not know her well enough to know whether she will hold her tongue. I have spent most of my life enduring lecherous leers from the lowest classes to the highest; do you think I want to know they are whispering about me now?”
“She will not tell anyone if I ask her not to.”
“That is possible, but jealousy is an unpredictable emotion.”
“Jealousy? Why should she be jealous? She agreed to everything at the beginning.”
“That was before she fell in love with you, My Lord.”
I had to laugh at his puzzled frown, at the doubtful expression.
“How could you possibly know such a thing?” He demanded. “You have never even met her.”
“I do not need to meet her,” I replied, feeling slightly abashed. “You must forgive me, but I have been watching from a discreet distance.”
“Why? Why would you do such a thing?”
“I wanted to assure myself that you had not made another mistake. Your description of her character made me concerned that she was uncaring, selfish. When I first met you, you were so desperately unhappy." He opened his mouth to object but I raised a hand to stop him. "You hid it behind the charm and the smile, you amused yourself with all those willing partners, but that was not who you are. If it had been, you would not have been able to see so easily into my heart. Seeing you laugh like you have with your new wife has warmed my heart and stilled my fears. But take my word for it, Sir – she is in love with you.”
He still looked doubtful.
“No,” he said at last. “Just because she does not run away and hide when she hears me coming, does not mean that she is in love with me.”
“What does she do when she hears you coming?” I persisted. “Runs to meet you would be my guess.”
“Why yes, how did you...............?”
I raised my eyebrows sceptically.
“I think that is proof enough,” I said. “I have seen over the years since we met the way women look at you, with pure lust in their eyes. The look I saw in your wife’s eyes was pure adoration, pure love. But please; carry on believing you are safe if you will, carry on believing that your cold hearted agreement will prevail.” I reached up and kissed his cheek, feeling satisfied that he had chosen wisely. “Now return to your wife before she comes looking for you and finds me.”
CHAPTER NINE
I was happy knowing that he was happy. Sometimes I would ride across Summerville land, for which of course I had its owner's permission, and I would see the pair of them from a distance, riding together or walking along holding hands like two children. They laughed a lot, they kissed a lot and from what I saw in those public places, in private they loved a lot.
I could not help but be pleased for him, even though I felt an unaccustomed dart of jealousy that this girl had stolen his heart. And it was clear to me that is what she had done, even if he would not admit to it, even if he could not see it himself. I saw little of him during those first months of the year, but I decided that when I did I would make no mention of it. He would have to realise for himself just how much he cared for his new Countess.
I did not want to lose his friendship, but neither did I want her to know my secrets and the very last thing I wanted was to come between them. I tried to prepare myself for a future without his company, but it was not easy.
In the meantime I had my books, my embroidery and I was learning to play an instrument, a harpsichord. I had engaged the services of a teacher from the village who was very respectful, who still believed like others that I was Richard Summerville's mistress despite his recent marriage. I made a mental note to talk to Richard about that when next we met. If his wife learned of our supposed relationship, she would be hurt. It was one thing having a mistress miles away, but one that all the village knew of was a different matter. It was disrespectful and would only cause heartache.
So I kept to myself and hoped that she did not hear about me, but I had no time to discuss it with him on the next visit I had from him. He had come to tell me that the King was dead.
"I have to go to support Mary," he told me.
He was wearing his thick, leather doublet and a sword and he looked determined. I had always known that if the Lord Protector tried to usurp Mary with his daughter-in-law, Richard would fight for Mary; I had known that all along. But seeing him here ready to do just that tore at my heart.
"There is money with the goldsmith in London," he told me, "in your own name. If I do not return, you will never have to worry about the upkeep of this house. There is enough to last you a lifetime. I never want you to be forced into anything you do not want, ever again."
"Thank you, Richard," I replied, "but please take care. I swear I shall worry and pray every day until you return. Your poor wife; what has she to say about it?"
His eyes met mine and held my gaze for a few moments, then he took my hand before he spoke again.
"You were right, you know," he said softly. "She is in love with me."
I could not help but laugh, he looked so mystified.
"She told you so?"
"No," he replied, shaking his head. "She did not have to, it was so obvious from her parting words. Rachel, I did not want her to fall in love with me. What will happen when Mary gains the throne, I do not know, but I do know she will expect me to be there, supporting her, just as my father and my grandfather before me sat at the right hand of the monarch."
"Well?" I remarked, puzzled. "Bethany will be with you, will she not?"
"That is what worries me. I have got to know her well these last weeks, and she is more honest and forthright than I had imagined. I am not sure that having her at court will be a good thing, and yet she loves me. She will be terribly hurt if I make her stay here, and I do not want that."
"Richar
d, I think you had best wait and see what happens before you start worrying about that. You have more important things to think about right now and you need no distractions." I reached up and kissed his cheek, then pushed him away. "Now go, and may God go with you. Come back safe, for both the women who love you."
***
It did not take long for Mary Tudor to regain her throne. As the rightful heir it was inevitable that the people would support her and I knew that all along, but Richard's protestant wife may not have been expecting it.
I wondered how she would feel, now that there was a Catholic once more on the throne of England, something she would have no memory of. It made me feel old, realising that on the night I was 'privileged' to share the King's bed, this girl was but a baby. She had no idea about life then. She may have thought herself very grown up and practical when she had made her bargain with Lord Summerville, but she still had no clue about life in the real world. I was thankful that she had never learned to fear life as I had, that she could give her heart to a man and her only concern was that it may get broken.
She was pure and free and would never know the horrors that had been my misfortune.
I watched the torches being lit all across the country announcing the victory of Mary and I just prayed that Richard was safe. The returning tenants would impart their news to Bethany, while I would have to wait to learn his fate. Thank God for Anthony!
I came outside to meet him and he waved and smiled, so that I knew Richard was safe. I brought him inside and ordered refreshments.
"He is safe?" I asked at once.
"He is, thank the Lord," he replied. "He will not be back for some time though. I think the coronation will take all of his time, but I will keep you informed. This is a great day for all of us."
"Tell me, Anthony, what do you think of Richard's new wife? Is she pleased at Mary's victory?"
"I have no idea," I asked. "I do not believe it is something I can know about. I am wondering why he married such a very young girl, but I suppose he knew what he wanted." He paused and looked into his goblet for a moment, as though he might find answers inside. "He seems fond of her and I believe from what I have witnessed that she is besotted with him."
"That is as it should be," I replied quietly. "I only hope this new reign will not drive them apart."
"Why should it? She promised to follow his beliefs so I am not really sure what you are saying."
"Nothing, Anthony. Really, nothing."
There was something I had wanted to say to Richard that I had not had time for before he left and I was unsure whether to put it to Anthony or not. He was very young and probably not as experienced in the ways of the world."
"What is it, Rachel? What is wrong?" He asked. "Richard did ask me to keep you safe as well as her, so if there is anything troubling you, I would like to know it."
I laughed then, wondering what Richard thought this boy could possibly do for me.
"I have been thinking that I should move away from here," I told him finally.
"What? Why?"
"Because all the village and the tenants know that I am Richard's mistress and that is hardly fair on Lady Summerville, especially if what you say is true. I saw a long time ago that she was in love with him and if she hears gossip she will be badly hurt. I do not want that."
"I think you had best ask Richard about that," he said.
"I agree, but when? If, as you say, he will not be back for some time it could be too late."
"Have you made no arrangements to see him?" Anthony looked puzzled when he asked. "I do not think his marriage will change your relationship very much, will it?"
My eyes met his for a moment, trying to see his thoughts. My relationship with Richard was not the same as the one he spoke of.
"It will, Anthony, trust me on that. He does not want to break her heart and he does want a son, that is why he married. I am hoping that when she goes to court, he will see that she can honour him and his beliefs and pay homage to the Queen."
"Of course she will. She is his wife, she is duty bound to do so."
I was glad he was so certain because I most certainly was not. I wondered briefly where this attitude had come from; probably his own father even though Anthony was young when his parents died. He certainly did not get it from his cousin.
It was pointless having this discussion with him; he did not have the experience of life to know what I was talking about.
"We will see," I said at last. "Perhaps if Lady Summerville stays in London I will be able to stay here. We shall see."
***
I decided to stay away from the village as much as possible. I would ask Louisa to go if I needed anything. Lucy had a child now and although she still came to the house to clean for me, I did not want to give her any extra work. She was, however, more knowledgeable about my situation than Louisa and I had noticed a troubled look about the latter's expression over the past few months, an expression of disapproval whenever I mentioned Richard's name. I did not think she was happy about his marriage and I could not understand why. Perhaps she thought he should not have lowered himself to marry a commoner, but that somehow did not seem like her. I should have guessed it was out of loyalty to me, but I needed it spelled out.
It was in the autumn that Richard sent for his wife to join him at court for the coronation. I prayed for her a little, not something I often did, but I had this awful dread that this new Queen would drive a wedge between them and from what I had seen, she would be heartbroken.
Out in the country as we were, there was little immediate news to be had so I could only assume that the coronation had gone as planned. Bethany would be required to join the procession; she had not been raised in court circles and just the ceremonies themselves must be a trial for her. But her husband was patient and understanding; he knew there were things she would not be expected to understand.
When the wheel on the carriage started to splinter when I was out driving, I knew I would have to go to the village to get it repaired. I dared not risk driving home with it in that state, so I pulled in at the wheelwright and left the carriage with them while I went to the inn to wait.
I should have known I would get stares from people, but whereas before they were only staring out of curiosity, now I noticed hostility from some of the women and that familiar interest from the men. Nothing had changed for me, but they did not know that, did they?
Thank God the innkeeper was still respectful as he brought my ale to the table.
"Ignore them, My Lady," he said quietly. "They have nothing better to concern them."
I smiled and watched him return to his bar, but it was not long before another man came and sat at the table opposite me.
"So His Lordship has found himself a lovely new bride," he said insolently. "Where does that leave you, I wonder."
I looked at him for a few minutes, wondering whether to answer him at all. But at last I decided that to keep up the pretence would be a safer option than the alternative, a return to those lecherous stares and unwanted contact."
"It leaves me, Sir, in exactly the same position I have always been," I replied.
"Not from what I have seen," he persisted. "It is clear that she is more than a simple marriage of convenience. I think it unlikely that he will be needing your services in the future."
I wanted to throw my ale in his face, but part of me knew this was what I had wanted, to be known as the alluring other woman. It was all different now though, now that people believed I was no longer the beautiful mistress who was making their Lord happy, but the trashy whore who was coming between him and his new bride.
"Well, Sir," I replied at last. "Perhaps we had best ask His Lordship on his return whether he needs my services and see whether he wants to explain it to you himself. It is Sir Arthur Manderville, is it not?"
He was obviously startled that I knew his name and as he stood quickly and retreated to the door, I could not help but smile in satisfaction. He did not wan
t Richard to seek revenge when he discovered the way I had been treated, that was clear.
But the situation could not continue and I knew I would have to sell my house and move away, for all our sakes. I put it to Louisa as soon as I returned to the house.
"Move away, My Lady?" She asked quietly. "If it is what you want, I will of course come with you. I have no one else here, except Lucy of course."
"I am glad. You are a dear friend Louisa, and I do not want to lose you too."
I could feel her eyes watching me and instead of moving away, she continued to stare as though wondering whether to speak her mind or hold her tongue.
"What is it, Louisa?" I prompted at last.
"Well, My Lady, you will think me very impertinent, I know, but I cannot help it. It distresses me terribly to hear the way the local people are talking about you, as though you were coming between His Lordship and his new wife. And I cannot help but be angry with Lord Summerville for marrying that merchant's daughter instead of you." She stopped talking abruptly, wondering I am sure whether she had said too much, but when she saw I was not angry, she went on. "There," she continued. "I have said it and I am glad. I thought he loved you; he always behaved as though he did. I do not understand why you seem to feel no betrayal."
"Louisa," I said softly, "he does love me, as I love him, but not in that way."
"So because you have been his mistress you are not good enough to be is wife, is that it?"
I looked at her with a feeling of defeat. It seemed there would be one more person who would have to know my secret, one more person I would have to trust with the worst horror of my life.
"I have never been his mistress, Louisa," I replied at last. She looked startled and a little grin appeared on her lips. She obviously did not believe me. "It is true, my dear. I am not capable of being any man's wife or mistress because of what was done to me when I was a child, by that same man whose body lies burnt to a crisp in the wine cellar of the old house." I sighed heavily and caught her gaze. "When we took you from the orphanage, it was not adoption that was on his mind."
The Flawed Mistress (The Summerville Journals) Page 9
