I watched her eyes widen in sudden comprehension as though I had given clarity to a puzzle she had been trying to solve for years. She did not ask questions, just came and knelt beside me, putting her arms around me.
"And that is what you saved me from?" She asked hesitantly. "I knew you had saved me from something, you and Lucy, but I never realised exactly what before."
I nodded slowly, knowing I need say no more.
"Then you and His Lordship really are only friends?" She asked at last.
"Yes. He rescued me, he saved me from being sold in marriage to men who wanted only one thing, who cared nothing for my pain, only for my beauty. Of course I love him and shall always be grateful, but now things have changed. Now the people in the village and the tenants on the estate resent me, they believe I am preventing their Lord's happiness and I know I would be preventing Her Ladyship's should she ever find out about me. I must go away, for her sake."
"But, if she understood."
"No!" I shook my head vehemently. "They are my secrets, Louisa. His Lordship has kept up the pretence for years for my sake, as has Lucy. I expect no less of you."
She nodded and squeezed my hand.
"As you wish, My Lady. We will do as you wish."
I sent a message to Anthony, requesting that he ask Richard to call on me if he should come back, but I was not expecting him. I wanted to secure his agreement before selling my house, but if he did not appear then I knew I did not need it. He would respect my wishes no matter what I did.
But a week after the coronation and late one evening, he appeared at my door.
"I got your message, Rachel," he said, kissing me affectionately. "I would have called in anyway, you know that."
"How was London?" I asked at once. I had not realised just how anxious I had been to know how Lady Summerville had survived the catholic court. "Did Bethany do well there?"
"I have brought her home," he said with a shake of his head. "If Queen Mary had not been so short sighted, and so distracted with her plans, it could have been an unparalleled disaster."
"Oh, Richard," I said, my hand on his shoulder. "Why? What happened?"
"What happened was what I feared would happen. Her dislike of the Queen was obvious, at least it was to me, and when required to kiss her hand I was afraid she might wipe her mouth afterward." He sipped his wine for a minute before he went on. "I did not think she would be safe there. Mary might not notice, but someone would, someone who understands human expressions and body language."
"Will you keep her here then?"
"She tells me she is with child, so if that is true it will be a good motive for her to stay away, at least for now."
I looked at him in silence for a moment, quite shocked at what he was implying.
"Why do you doubt her word?" I asked with a frown. "Why would she say she is with child if she is not?"
He looked guilty for a moment before he explained.
"Because when she first arrived at court, I thought it might be a good idea to try to drive a wedge between us."
"Why on earth would you do that?"
"I thought she might be in less danger of getting hurt if she was not quite so much in love with me." He sat down and looked up at me like a naughty schoolboy. "I said something about it being past time she conceived."
"Oh, Richard!"
"Yes, I know. But do you know what she did? My words were meant to hurt her, meant to make her think less of me, but she turned to me and she said: 'are you anxious to get back to your mistresses, My Lord?' And as well as my words hurting her, she managed to find words to hurt me. And I have no idea why that should be. I suppose it was her thinking that of me that hurt or perhaps it was that I could see I had distressed her."
"Richard, you have been many things to me, but I never took you for a fool," I told him angrily. "You have found something special and precious and you want to throw it away to save yourself some inconvenience. I am ashamed of you."
"I share your sentiments. I fear for her safety, so she must stay here. I just do not know what to tell the Queen. She wants my wife to serve her as a lady in waiting. I cannot allow that."
"She may forget about it until after the birth," I assured him. "It is wonderful news, My Lord."
"It is, though quite unexpected and a little too convenient."
"I do not think she would lie to you," I replied. "You love each other too much for that, no matter what foolish plan you had to drive her away."
His eyes caught mine for a few moments and he frowned.
"Love each other?"
"Yes. If you did not love her, those words of hers would not have hurt."
He stared at me as though I spoke a foreign language and I watched a light of recognition suddenly dawn in his eyes, then he gave an abashed smile.
"I have felt a certain something when I kissed her that I have never felt before, not with any of the women I have ever kissed."
I laughed a little, thinking about my one kiss with the King of England, though I could not see anything to laugh at. The memory still disgusted me.
"I cannot really comment on that, Richard" I told him. "I have only been kissed once, and it was not a pleasant experience. His mouth was wet and his breath stank."
He frowned with concern then took my hand.
"Would you like to be?" He asked suddenly. "Kissed, I mean? I am told I am rather good at it."
I could not help but laugh, but I suddenly thought I should take this opportunity, that it was not one that would present itself a second time. I trusted this man, trusted him not to try to take it further, and I cannot deny that I had wondered what his wife felt when I watched her almost melt into his arms.
I did not reply but I moved toward him, my lips reaching up to meet his. He pulled me toward him gently and this kiss was nothing like that one I had shared with the King. This man's lips knew how to give instead of take.
It was nice, comfortable, but there was no passion in me, none at all.
Then I felt him stir and I froze in horror, causing him to pull quickly away.
"Forgive me," he said at once, jumping to his feet, and he looked at me with so much compassion in his eyes I wanted to cry. "It just is not there, is it?"
"What?"
"That need, that joy. Those things were stolen from you and I would kill those men myself were they not already dead."
I got to my feet and hugged him, suddenly grateful to King Henry for sending this man to be my escort all those years ago.
"Richard," I said at once. "I need to leave this place. I want to sell the house and move far away, where nobody knows me."
He held me away from him to frown at me.
"Why? What has happened?"
"What has happened is that my role is different now. These people in the village and on the estate, they love Bethany. I am no longer the beautiful mistress making their lord happy, I am now the wicked other woman keeping him away from his wife."
"But, they cannot simply change like that. How can you say they love Bethany? They do not know her."
"For a man who is so perceptive, you can be such a fool sometimes," I told him with a laugh. "Every single person who sees you together loves her because they love you and they can all see that she is making you happy. They want you to have that heir to Summerville, a son that they can love as much as they love you. They do not believe that will ever happen while I am in the background."
He shifted uncomfortably and started to argue.
"But I do not want you to go. You will be alone again, unprotected."
"I have wealth now, thanks to you. I no longer need to sell myself to anyone just to be able to eat. If I do not go, one day Lady Summerville will learn about me living so close and she will be devastated."
"Very well," he said after a few minutes. "You have the money. I will ask Anthony to see about selling this place for you and if you need more, you have only to ask. Just promise me one thing, Rachel, that you will not disappear a
gain."
"I promise."
"I want to know that you will still call me your friend, you will still call on me if you need anything at all."
"And I want you to promise me that you will love her as she loves you. Promise me that you will be happy."
So Louisa and I moved away, closer to London, where nobody knew us, where nobody would resent me for being Lord Summerville's mistress. From the day we moved there was gossip in the new village, but I kept my black velvet cloak about me when I left the house and Louisa put it about that I was recently widowed and heartbroken. People were sympathetic and left me alone and that is how it stayed until the autumn of 1554, when Richard came to visit for the first time.
I was so pleased to see him but he no longer looked happy.
"I am sorry to bring my troubles to your door," he said at once, "but I really need your advice."
"You have a little daughter, I hear, My Lord," I said at once.
"I do," he replied finally, smiling at the image of his daughter that had appeared in his mind. "You were right as usual; I should not have doubted her."
"Are you disappointed that the child was a girl?"
He thought for a moment then shook his head decisively.
"No, I am not. I married solely for a son, I had it all arranged how things would be, but now all I care about is that my daughter is healthy and my wife is safe. And that is why I have come, why I need your advice."
"Go on," I prompted him, handing him the goblet.
Louisa was standing and smiling and she curtsied briefly.
"It is good to see you again, My Lord," she said quietly.
"And you, Louisa," he replied with a smile. "I trust you are looking after your mistress?"
She grinned then backed out of the room while I turned back to him.
"The Queen has not forgotten, it seems, that she wanted the Countess of Summerville for a lady in waiting." His eyes met mine and I shivered at the fear in them. "I have no idea what to do."
CHAPTER TEN
The idea that formed in my mind was simple enough, but where it came from I cannot imagine. Ever since I met Richard I had wanted to do something for him, something to repay him for everything he had given me, but what I was about to propose was dangerous for us both. The question was, would it be more dangerous to allow Bethany to attend Queen Mary as a lady in waiting?
"You once told me," I began thoughtfully, "that your wife resembled me."
"She does," replied, giving me a puzzled frown. "Why?"
"And you say the Queen did not really see her, that people at court did not really notice her at the coronation? That was a year ago now in any case."
"What are you getting at, Rachel?"
"I was just wondering how it would be if I took her place."
He looked at me as though he believed me insane, and perhaps he was right, but he started to shake his head slowly.
"I cannot allow you to do that," he said. "It would be far too dangerous. Supposing somebody found out?"
"There is no reason why they should and it will be dangerous for both of us; I realise that. But what else can you do? Do you have a better suggestion?"
He made no reply, just sat sipping his wine and frowning thoughtfully. I knew he thought it a good idea from a practical point of view but I also knew he did not want to put me in danger.
"I cannot believe you would do that for me," he said at last.
"I would do anything for you, Richard," I said softly taking his hand. "You have given me a life, something I would never have had had I not met you. If I can protect both you and your wife from exposure, then I will consider it an honour."
I was concerned that Lady Summerville might find out, might learn that there was another woman living with her husband at court and impersonating her, but Richard assured me it was unlikely.
"She loves to stay at Summerville, she loves to be with Alicia," he said, "even if it does mean being away from me. I think she is afraid of the Queen and she is afraid of saying the wrong thing. And she was not raised in the same social circles as me; it is unlikely that anyone at court would recognise her. If we are careful there is no reason why anyone should find out."
So I became Queen Mary's lady in waiting, along with a few others, most of whom were totally devoted to her. These ladies agreed with every barbaric policy she chose to make, they all thought her very wise to be torturing and burning evil heretics. This was a subject much talked about within the Queen's private chambers, and each time it was she became more animated with the overpowering responsibility.
"It seems that no matter how hard I try, more heretics appear," she cried in frustration. "You would have thought they would know that God wants them to recant, for look what He has done to prove it!"
So she believed, as her father had before her, that every thought, every idea that entered her head had to come straight from God because she was the Queen.
I managed to murmur agreement, but I was more adept at hiding my distaste than Bethany would have been, as I was not one of those protestants that were being persecuted, she was. I knew every time I heard this speech, that I was doing the right thing.
Richard's protestant wife would never have been able to withstand this talk and keep quiet, much less pretend agreement. I tried to imagine how it would be for her, knowing that the evil heretics Mary was ordering to their deaths were her own family and friends.
We were all supposed to be ecstatic about Mary's marriage to Prince Philip of Spain, and the other ladies were, but my joy was merely a sham. I had never realised what a good actress I was.
When the Queen announced her intention to marry, Richard decided it was time for him to pay a visit to his wife.
"I want to go home for a few days," he told me. "I am expecting a few rebellions over this marriage and I want to see my wife, just in case something happens to me."
His words sent a chill of apprehension through me, but we set out, me for my own house, him for Suffolk. I knew she would be delighted to see him, even though he had not told her he was coming, and that pleased me.
Keeping up the pretence was hard, but no harder than having to share chambers with Richard. The servants had to see that we shared a bed and although I trusted him completely to keep to his own side, for him it was very difficult.
He slept on the trundle bed which disappeared beneath the main one during the day. He ordered that the servants were not to come into our suite until summoned, so they would not start to gossip about the handsome Lord Summerville and his beautiful wife who did not share a bed.
"I hate to see you sleeping on that thing," I told him one night when he pulled the trundle bed out in preparation for his night's sleep. "Why not come in here. It is much more comfortable and I trust you completely to stay on your own side."
He stood and looked at me and a little sparkle danced in his eyes.
"You may trust me, Rachel," he said, "but I cannot share your confidence in me. I do not think, given such close proximity, I would trust myself."
***
When a letter came from his cousin telling him that Bethany knew about me, that he had been forced to tell her, I believed that would make him return home and explain. I even had my clothes packed, ready to keep up the pretence of going to Summerville, when in reality I would be deposited at my own house in Finsbury along the way. But I was wrong.
"You have to explain now, Richard," I told him. "Do you not see that? What must she be thinking?"
"She will be thinking that I love someone else, that I am keeping that someone else at court in her place because I am in love with her."
"Precisely. You have to tell her the truth."
"No. If I do that, she will have to know the real truth. Are you prepared for that?"
My secrets, my private pain was what he spoke of.
"If that is what it takes," I replied doubtfully.
He smiled, then took my hand.
"No, you do not want that. It is better thi
s way."
"How can it be better? How can it be better for her to be unhappy?"
"I am very much afraid that if I tell her, she will not believe me. She will be even more unhappy, thinking that I have not only betrayed her but have lied to her as well. I will think on it, decide what is the best way to handle things."
"That is of less importance than that she knows you are not risking everything for my sake. Even if she believes we are lovers, she must be made to see that you do this for her."
"As I said, I will think on it. It may be better if she thinks I am unfaithful; she will think less of me and that cannot be a bad thing."
"No? I cannot think of a worse thing." I marched toward the door, intending to leave him to make a sensible decision. "You are a fool, Richard. I have no patience with you."
***
Try as I might, I could not convince him to go home and tell his wife the truth, even if he did have to tell her my secret. I had never realised before just how determined he could be once he had made up his mind, but I could not understand why he would think it a good thing to drive away the woman he loved.
Then one day we had been driving in the park and there was a dispatch from the prison on our return, listing the names of the executed for that day. I know he hated being entrusted with these lists, that each day they got longer, but he had a pretence to keep up as well. This day he sank down into the chair with an exclamation of dismay.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Bethany's sister is on this list," he told me soberly. "She will blame me."
"Why should she blame you? Did you arrest her? Did you condemn her?"
"She ran away because of me," he said quietly. When I looked puzzled he went on. "Do you remember that day when you saw her in my house?"
"Of course," I replied, wondering where this was leading. "It was the day you told me you planned to make a proposal to her sister. I remember scolding you about it."
The Flawed Mistress (The Summerville Journals) Page 10
