Wish List: City Love 4

by Belinda Williams

  I breathed that calm into my lungs like it was a physical, tangible thing. It was funny how my body could work so hard while inside my mind was almost in a trance. Some part of me wanted to close my eyes and keep running and running and never stop …

  I’d become good at distancing myself over the years. Not that my girlfriends would know it. I was Cate. Enthusiastic, positive and who wore my heart on my sleeve. And that was me. It truly was.

  Now.

  Back then I’d been someone else. Oh, I’d always wanted to be the Cate my friends knew. I’d just been too scared to.

  I felt the trickle of tears as they traveled from my eyes and down my cheeks, the breeze waylaying a few so I tasted salt on my lips.

  I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. I knew it was just my body releasing some of the anxiety, some of the fear, and a lot of the frustration.

  When the panic attacks had been at their worst I’d become good at handling them. Oh, not at first. At first they’d sucker-punched me in the gut and I hadn’t known what had hit me. They’d left me breathless, powerless and confused because naively I’d thought getting away from home would be the end of my waking nightmares. Ironically the panic attacks would become a very real nightmare too.

  It took me few years. A few years of living with the fear before I realized it was just fear. And fear can scare you but it can’t hurt you if you don’t let it. Today I’d let it.

  I could get frustrated at myself all I liked but it wouldn’t do me any good. Instead I needed to be gentle on myself. I needed to recognize that it had been a long time since I’d had to deal with a panic attack. It was no wonder this one had taken me by surprise. I also needed to admit to myself that the news of my father dying had brought a lot of old feelings to the surface again.

  My heart pushed against my rib cage in an erratic protest, so I slowed my pace to a walk. Sweat dripped off my body and it felt good.

  “Cate.”

  I stopped and looked around me. The beach was empty. I turned toward the water. It rested tranquilly in the afternoon sun. Surely I’d imagined Dave’s familiar voice?

  “Cate!” His call came from behind me.

  I turned toward his voice and saw him at the edge of the sand where the trees met the beach. He’d changed his jeans for a pair of navy board shorts.

  At the sight of his strong calf muscles I looked away and quickly wiped the sweat and remaining tears off my face. I waited for him to join me near the shore, not sure what I was most embarrassed about – my preoccupation with his legs or my appearance.

  “Hey,” he said, when he reached me. “I went for a walk along the road that follows the beach. This is where it comes out, so I thought I’d come back via the beach.” He pushed his sunglasses onto his head, his brown eyes narrowing. “You’ve been crying.”

  Honest as always, I thought, and embarrassment at my disheveled state won out. I dropped my eyes to my feet, which were half-covered in dark, gritty sand. “I’m fine.”

  “No. You’re not, but I’m guessing you feel a hell of a lot better after a run.”

  Despite my unfit for public appearance I looked back up at him in surprise. “Yes, I do. Why would you say that?”

  “Running burns adrenaline, and you needed to burn adrenaline.”

  Said adrenaline pumped the blood around my body a little harder. “Why would you think that?

  He frowned. “Lauren. The crazy woman used to run so hard on the bloody treadmill I thought she would kill herself or die trying. She never did though. And she was always better afterwards.”

  “Did Lauren used to get panic attacks?” I bit my lip hard. Good one, Cate. I shouldn’t be discussing this with him – he was my client. This was way too personal, but as usual I couldn’t help myself.

  “After the accident,” he said.

  I raised my hand to touch his arm in sympathy, but dropped it to my side. Keep your hands to yourself, Cate. “I’m so sorry,” I said instead.

  “It was a lot to deal with. Losing her hand was hard, but it was the grief of losing Nadia that was the worst.”

  I stared at him. “Nadia?”

  Dave’s eyes reflected the afternoon sun. The golden brown gave off an orange glow and they were alight with pain. “Lauren’s best friend. She was the one driving the car.”

  Chapter 23

  I continued to stare at Dave, my eyes wide with shock.

  “Come on, let’s head back,” he said, gesturing in the direction of the beach house.

  He had to wait for me to follow because my body didn’t seem to want to move. “I don’t know what to say,” I told him honestly, once we’d started walking. “Sorry seems so hollow.”

  “You don’t need to say anything. We can’t change it.”

  “It must have been an awful accident.”

  “One that Lauren re-lived over and over again for a long time afterward.”

  I paused again. “I can’t imagine,” I said eventually. And I couldn’t.

  He glanced over at me. “I think you’ve got some idea. More than a lot of us.”

  I looked over at him in surprise. “I don’t understand.”

  He met my eyes. “That look on your face in the car this afternoon.”

  I could feel myself flush. “I’m sorry if I scared you,” I began.

  “You didn’t scare me,” Dave interrupted. “I’ve lived through enough of them with Lauren to know what a panic attack is.”

  “It’s been so long,” I admitted. “I didn’t deal with it very well.”

  “And you’re angry at yourself for that.”

  “Some. Less now. After the run.”

  He nodded. “Cate?”

  “Yes.”

  “Your panic attacks aren’t just a general anxiety thing, are they?”

  I opened my mouth, then closed it, not sure what to say. Not sure how much to say. I hadn’t told anyone the specific reasons for my panic attacks. Well, except for the psychologist I saw when I decided not to let them rule my life anymore, but that had been around ten years ago.

  “I thought so,” he said, accurately reading my silence. “You don’t need to go into the reasons. I understand it’s personal. And don’t be embarrassed about what happened this afternoon. You couldn’t control it.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, deeply touched. This man continued to take me by surprise. He was rough on the outside, inclined to use less words than me, but he was genuine and had an upfront honesty I found refreshing. “I can control it though. Or at least manage it better than I did today.”

  He nodded. “I get that. Lauren still has them occasionally but she deals with them pretty well. For her it’s a combination of regular exercise to manage the general anxiety – or frustration, that woman has plenty of frustration, which I can understand. Plus she did all that mindfulness and cognitive behavioral stuff.”

  “She’s told you a lot about it,” I said. I was impressed with Lauren’s openness as well as his matter-of-fact acceptance of it.

  “She lived with me after the accident.”

  I stopped walking and turned to him.

  “What?” he asked, stopping too but looking uncomfortable.

  “You’re a good brother.”

  He shrugged and started walking again. “The truth is, she begged to move in with me. Claimed she couldn’t handle my parents and that she would kill herself if she was forced to stay there. I think my parents only let her do it because they were scared she was serious. Plus, they only lived around the corner so they could keep an eye on us.”

  I wondered if the rift between Dave and his father had started during that time. “How old was she?”

  “Seventeen.”

  My heart went out for the seventeen-year-old Lauren. The Lauren I’d met was strong, resilient and sassy. I suspected a large part of that strength was the result of living through the tragedy. “Still, it was an amazing thing to do for her. How old were you?”

  “Nineteen. I’d just moved into my grandparent
s’ house after they’d died.”

  Oh my God. They’d been so young. “No wonder you’re so close.”

  “At first she used to wake up screaming during the middle of the night,” he told me. “Nightmares, obviously. They were bloody awful. Sometimes she’d dream she was the one dying. Mostly she was watching it happen. Or other times she’d wake up screaming about her hand. Then the panic attacks started when she was awake.” He glanced at me briefly, his eyes swirling with emotion, and then returned his gaze to the horizon. “It was so hard, but it would have been harder for my mother to watch it. I’m glad I was able to spare her some of that.”

  This time I did reach out and touch his arm, but only briefly. “Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m sure your support is a big reason why Lauren is so capable today.”

  “Maybe.”

  “No, I mean it.” For some reason his understated description of his role in his sister’s recovery annoyed me. “My brother Heath helped me so much when I was dealing with the worst of it. Although he kept begging me to move to the Gold Coast because he didn’t want me to be alone.”

  Dave looked sharply at me. “You were alone?”

  The intensity of his gaze unsettled me and I reddened slightly. “I guess. I managed.”

  Dave fell silent. That muscle was working in his jaw again. “Well,” he said after a while, “from what I can tell you’ve got some pretty good friends and you should be celebrating with them. Try not to let whatever it was this afternoon upset you.”

  “You know what?” I said.

  “What?”

  “You’re right. I won’t let it upset me,” I told him decisively. “As long as you promise me something?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Please don’t think what happened today had anything to do with your driving or Sally. I love Sally.”

  That earned me a brief smile. It made me hope that by the end of the weekend I’d be treated to another of Dave’s real smiles.

  “Sally has that effect on people,” he said.

  I laughed and realized the combination of the run and talking to Dave had made me feel a lot lighter. “She does, doesn’t she? If only people were that easy to fall in love with.”

  Dave dropped his sunglasses back onto his nose. “Oh, I don’t know. Depends on the person.”

  I almost tripped in the sand. He didn’t give me a chance to decide whether it was a throwaway comment or if he was hinting at something else altogether.

  “Come on,” he said, pointing ahead. “There’s your friends. They’re waiting for you.”

  *

  “How was your run?” Scarlett asked when I sat beside her on the beach.

  Maddy was on my other side helping Ava to play in the sand. Correction. It was the adults who were playing in the sand. Ava was still too young to do much more than sit and wave her arms and legs about, but everyone appeared to be having fun.

  “Therapeutic,” I told Scarlett.

  “Good.” I couldn’t see through her sunglasses but I could tell she was giving me a look of approval. “Talking to Dave help?”

  “What? Oh.” I grabbed a shovel and started digging. “Yes, actually, if you must know.”

  “Good,” Scarlett said again. “He’s good with people, isn’t he?”

  I stopped digging. “What do you mean?”

  Scarlett nodded toward the water. “Look at him. He’s fitting right in without even trying.”

  I followed her gaze. Dave was standing with the other men. I couldn’t hear their conversation but they were all talking and laughing.

  I looked down at the spade in my hand. “It’s funny,” I said. “When I met him I didn’t think he was very good with people.”

  “Really? Maybe it was just you.”

  “Me? But I’m good with people. You’ve said so yourself.” I wasn’t sure what she was getting at. “He’s not exactly talkative.”

  “He’s doing alright with those guys.”

  Hmm. She had a point. In fact, whenever I’d seen him around his staff or with his friends there was a comfortable rapport there too.

  “What you’re saying is it’s just me,” I said flatly. I began digging again still not quite sure what to make of it. I heard Scarlett laughing and looked up at her. “What?”

  “You don’t get it, do you?”

  “Get what?”

  “Figure it out, Cate. He likes you. You’ve been so busy getting yourself into a state because you think you might like him you haven’t noticed he likes you too.”

  “It’s true,” Maddy said, over Ava’s giggles as she kicked at the sand. “I can’t believe you don’t see it.”

  “I think you’re reading too much into it,” I said. Then to distract myself, I gently poured some sand over Ava’s feet and listened to her shriek with delight. “You’re loving this, aren’t you?” It was so much easier talking to a baby than thinking about my attraction to Dave.

  Ava shrieked again and kicked sand in my face. The others burst out laughing. I shook the sand from my hair and poked my tongue out at her. “Got me!”

  She laughed and kicked sand at me again but this time I was ready and dodged it, making a show of falling down next to her in the sand.

  “Ha!” I cried and pointed at her. “Too slow!”

  Ava lifted her little arm and mimicked me, pointing back at me. She sounded like she was doing a baby rendition of ‘too slow’ but it came out more like ‘ooo-ow!’

  I laughed in delight. “Oh, Maddy, she’s gorgeous. I don’t know how you get anything done.”

  “Mmm,” said Scarlett, sounding disinterested, “if you want to see the look we’re talking about, look up now.”

  I did, without thinking, and found Dave’s eyes on me. His sunglasses were pushed up onto his head and heat the color of whiskey surged through me. It felt like liquid fire flowing through my veins. “Oh,” I whispered, glad I was wearing my sunglasses. Dave turned back to the other men.

  “And in case you need to be really sure, now take a look at James,” Scarlett suggested.

  Cool blue eyes on me this time. The heat in them was unmistakable but there was no jolt of recognition running through me, no instant longing. I looked away quickly. “Oh,” I said, louder this time. “Oh God. Shit.” I winced and shot Maddy an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

  She grinned at me. “No problem. Ava’s still too young to learn curse words. We might need to avoid Auntie Scarlett when she’s older though. Anyway, what are you going to do?”

  I focused on Ava because that seemed to be the safest thing to do, and picked up the spade. “I don’t know,” I said weakly. “Go home?”

  “Spoilsport,” said Scarlett. “Hey, you didn’t tell me he had a tattoo.”

  “What are you talking about?” I looked up again, just in time to see Dave drop his t-shirt onto the sand. The spade hovered in mid-air and my jaw dropped open.

  I watched as he walked toward the water. Ignoring for a moment he was naked from the waist up – I hadn’t missed that, not a chance – it was the black ink on his shoulder blade that had my full attention. Tendrils of fire curled up his back and reached for his arm. Emerging from the flames was the clear outline of a fierce horse.

  “The Mustang,” I said out loud.

  “Whatever it is,” Scarlett said, “that’s some nice ink. Suits him. But I’m guessing tattoos aren’t on your list.”

  I wanted to turn around and glare at Scarlett, I really did, but I simply couldn’t. Now I’d had the chance to get over the shock of the tattoo I was taking in the rest of Dave. He wasn’t as tall as Max, James, or John, but I couldn’t have cared less. He was well-built, and his powerful back muscles rippled as he waded through the water. Down to a narrow waist and …

  I needed to look away. Now.

  Scarlett smirked at me. “Reassessing your list?”

  “Shut up.”

  She raised her eyebrows at me. “I can’t remember the last time you told me to shut up. You’re usu
ally so polite.”

  “Better enjoy it then.” I stood up. “Anyone want a drink?”

  Maddy looked over at me sympathetically. “If you want to distract yourself we need a salad for dinner tonight. There’s vegetables in the fridge. And tell Christa to get her ass out here and relax, would you?”

  I gave her a grateful smile and hightailed it back to the house with Scarlett’s laughter echoing behind me.

  Chapter 24

  “I was starting to think you were avoiding me.”

  I let James pull out a chair for me and tried to keep my face neutral. “No, don’t be silly. I wasn’t feeling very well after the car trip.”

  “But you’re feeling better now?” He sat down beside me.

  “Much. I just needed some fresh air.”

  James poured me a white wine and pushed it toward me. We were seated upstairs on the outdoor deck overlooking the beach. I couldn’t make out the water anymore because it was dark, but underneath the buzz of our group’s conversation I could just hear the gentle sound of waves lapping at the shore.

  “Why didn’t you join us for a swim earlier?” he asked.

  I remembered Scarlett’s laughter and the way I’d fled to the house. “Oh, I didn’t feel like it.” I took a sip of wine.

  “Shame. I would have liked to see you in a bikini.”

  I choked on my wine.

  James’ blue eyes laughed at me. “Sorry. Too forward?”

  “Um, maybe.” Oh help. I glanced around casually while desperately hoping someone would come over and join us so I could avoid this conversation. No such luck. The rest of the men were downstairs cooking our dinner on the barbecue, and I could hear Christa, Maddy and Scarlett chatting inside in the kitchen.

  “Am I ruining my refined gentleman image?” James asked. “Because I know you like that about me …seeing as it’s on your list.”

  I tried not to sigh. I envisaged scrunching up the imaginary list and watching it burn on the barbecue hotplate. “I think Scarlett may have given you the wrong impression.”