Wish List: City Love 4

by Belinda Williams

  “He doesn’t want to see me,” I said flatly.

  “He doesn’t want to see anyone!” Lauren cried. “Didn’t you hear me? He’s leaving. You have to help me stop him.”

  “Why?”

  “Why?” she echoed, her forehead creasing in disbelief. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because he loves you?”

  Stupid, I thought. For a brief second I’d actually believed her. Or wanted to, but I wasn’t that naive anymore. “Look, I can see what you’re trying to do, and while I completely understand you don’t want to lose your brother, getting me involved is a really bad idea. He doesn’t love me. If he did, he wouldn’t be leaving in the first place.”

  My eyes widened as Lauren took a step closer, forcing my back against the door.

  “He loves you, Cate,” she said in a low voice. “That’s why he’s running.”

  “Please stop saying that.”

  Her mouth twisted into a wry smile. “Why? Because you might actually start to believe it?”

  “No!” Exasperated, I pushed the door open with my shoulders and turned and stormed into the apartment. I wasn’t surprised when I heard the sound of Lauren’s footsteps following behind.

  “Why then?” she demanded.

  I threw my bag on the coffee table. “Because I won’t be that woman, alright? I won’t be that pathetic, desperate woman who is so eager to believe in romance that she’ll chase after a man who doesn’t love her – or who has chosen not to love her – and beg. I’ve done it before and trust me, it’s not good for your confidence.”

  “This isn’t about you, it’s about Dave.”

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, my head was clear. “That may be, but you’re asking too much, Lauren. I’m sorry.”

  “Maybe if you just let me explain—”

  “No!” I yelled. “No more deep, dark secrets. I don’t want to hear it, alright? Did you ever stop to think that this is part of the problem? It’s the reason why Dave and I are no longer together. If he’d just been open with me in the first place, then maybe we wouldn’t be standing here arguing about this right now. But he wasn’t open with me. I can’t be with someone like that. Do you understand?”

  I turned away and went to put the kettle on. Not because I was being hospitable, but because I damn well needed something to distract myself. To soften the ball of fury that was rising in my chest and threatening to explode in Lauren’s face. As angry as I was, she didn’t deserve that. Deep down I knew she was just trying to help.

  “I’ll have a coffee, white with one.” I heard her collapse into one of the armchairs.

  I didn’t say anything but pulled out an extra mug. When I was done, I walked over and handed Lauren hers.

  “You had a hard upbringing, didn’t you?” she asked. The glimmer of anger that had been in her eyes earlier appeared to have dimmed.

  I frowned and then sat down opposite her. “You could say that.”

  “Dave said you were very open with him about it.”

  I shrugged. “There was no reason not to be. It is what it is, I can’t change it.”

  “What if you were so ashamed of your past you didn’t want anyone to know?” she asked.

  I studied the cup of tea in my hand. “I don’t see what Dave has to be ashamed about. He wasn’t driving the car. You were involved in a traumatic accident and I wish I could change that for you all, I really do.” I looked over at her. “And I’m so sorry about Dave’s girlfriend and your best friend. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you both.”

  “Dad hated her.”

  I set my cup down on the coffee table carefully. “Who? Nadia?”

  Lauren nodded. “She wasn’t good enough for Dave, never mind his reputation as a bad boy back then. Dad wanted Dave involved with someone who came from money and privilege. She was a nobody. A fair haired airhead according to Dad. She wasn’t though. She got into my private school on a scholarship. She was extremely smart.”

  It made no sense that I suddenly felt jealous of a dead girl, and I forced myself to focus.

  Lauren sighed as she remembered her best friend. “Things were getting pretty serious between them. Dave would have done anything for her. The night of the accident I knew she was going to break up with Dave, and I was really worried, which was why I begged to go along.”

  “She didn’t love Dave?” Even now, I couldn’t quite imagine someone not being able to love him, mute tendencies and man of action issues aside.

  Lauren frowned. “Oh, yeah. She loved him. So much it hurt. Nadia didn’t want to break up with him.”

  “Then why?”

  “She’d been told that if she didn’t, she’d lose her scholarship.”

  All the air left my lungs and I couldn’t form any words, but I didn’t need to. Lauren read my expression.

  “That’s right. My father. Nadia wasn’t going to tell Dave, but she’d been drinking and she let it slip. He was furious. She begged him not to say anything, she was so desperate not to lose her scholarship. She loved my brother, but you have to understand the scholarship was a huge deal for her.”

  Lauren stood and started pacing the small living area. “I couldn’t talk any sense into either of them. When Nadia eventually stormed out, I went with her. There was no way Dave was driving that night, he was almost passed out anyway. I begged Nadia not to drive the car but she wouldn’t listen. I jumped in at the last second thinking that somehow I could convince her to pull over and let me drive. We argued, she lost focus, and we crashed.”

  Lauren stopped pacing and met my eyes. “She lost her life, I lost my hand. No more deep, dark family secrets now, I promise. Unless you count Uncle Keith’s regular Pilates attendance. He claims it keeps him fit, but we think he likes being the only bloke to attend. He enjoys being fussed over by the ladies. And personally I suspect he has a thing for wearing Lycra.”

  I attempted a small smile.

  “Will you come with me now, Cate?” Lauren asked. “To see Dave? You don’t need to profess your undying love for him or anything. Just talk to him.”

  I sighed and nodded.

  *

  The drive over to Dave’s once again confirmed my choice to buy an MX-5. I should have been a mess. It would make sense for my stomach to be twisted in knots. But with the roof down and the wind flicking my ponytail playfully, I felt all the tension leave me, even with Lauren staring at me intensely.

  “How long has it been since you moved out?” she asked as we drove.

  “I haven’t moved out,” I said quickly, but even to me it sounded dishonest. I’d have to talk to her about arranging a time to collect the rest of my things. I sighed. “I don’t know. It’s been about six weeks maybe?”

  Lauren nodded. “Sounds about right.”

  To my surprise she didn’t make an issue of my absence, she just continued looking at me.

  “You’re different,” she said after a while.

  I glanced at her, then back at the road. “Good different?”

  “Just different.”

  I pondered that as we drove in silence for the rest of the journey. I was still Cate, but perhaps she was right. Maybe I was different. What was it I had said to her back at Scarlett’s apartment? I wasn’t going to be that woman who believed in romance? The old Cate might have been saddened by that sentiment, but the new Cate, the more practical one, was resigned.

  Romance is manufactured. Love isn’t.

  I gripped the steering wheel tighter, Dave’s words after Christa and Max’s wedding ceremony coming back to haunt me. Well, I was officially in the romantic fool rehabilitation program. Hopefully one day I’d find love. In the meantime, I wasn’t going to fall for romance anymore.

  When we arrived at Dave’s, I drove into the driveway and parked in front of the garage. At the sound of the MX-5’s engine, a head poked around the corner of the garage.

  “Lauren! Cate!” Bear rushed out of the garage and came over to us. He whistled. “
Nice car.”

  “Thanks.”

  He shot me a questioning look. “Is it yours?”

  I nodded and got out of the car.

  Lauren closed the door and glared at Bear. “And what exactly are you doing here? You better not be helping him to pack.”

  Bear held up his palms. “No way. I’m here trying to talk the silly bastard out of moving, or at least convince him not to leave the company. I can’t be breaking in a new boss man, not after all the hard work I’ve done with this one.”

  I didn’t mean to, but I smiled.

  Bear pointed at me. “There you go. That’s better. Was beginning to think you weren’t the same Cate.”

  I ignored him and looked over his shoulder to the garage. It was now or never. “Is he in there?”

  “Yeah,” Bear said. “He’s in there, but he’s not in the best mood. Hasn’t been … well, hasn’t been for some time now. I can’t help but think it’s got something to do with losing you, Cate.”

  I looked at him sharply. “Losing me?”

  Bear scratched his mop of black curls uncertainly. “Well, yeah. Since you up and left—”

  I stopped him speaking with a look that would freeze Sydney Harbour – which was saying something because it had never happened, and probably never would.

  He cleared his throat. “Shit, Cate. What did I say?”

  “Bear.” Lauren reached over and pinched his arm.

  “Ow! What did you do that for?”

  I didn’t hear her response because I was too busy storming into the garage.

  “David Worthington!”

  It was extremely immature of me but a big grin spread across my face when I saw him bump his head on the underside of Sally. I heard him swear and a spanner clattered to the floor.

  “Cate?” He rolled out from underneath the vehicle, lying on his back on one of those car trolley things. He paled.

  The sight of his strong torso, battered boots and fitted jeans might have distracted me for just the briefest of seconds, but then I marched across the garage to stand over him, hands on hips.

  “You’re telling people I left you?” I demanded.

  He blinked and struggled to sit up, obviously still reeling at the sight of me. “No. I mean, yeah. I mean, I … I thought it would be for the best.”

  “For the best? Why on earth would you think that?”

  He didn’t answer straight away. Instead he took his time standing and leaned against Sally’s door. Usually I would have suggested it was just Dave being relaxed. But the way he was looking at me, shocked and uncertain, indicated Sally might be having a more steadying effect than usual.

  “You know what?” I continued. “Don’t answer that. I don’t really want to know.”

  “Why are you here?” he asked softly. He was still eying me like I was some sort of mirage.

  “Why am I here?” I repeated. “Well, I could tell you it was because of Lauren. She practically begged me to come and talk you out of moving. I also wanted to wish you well. I was even going to ask you what your plans were and where you decided to start afresh, because I think you and I both know that I’m pretty familiar with all of that. I was going to tell you that I understand. That I know what it’s like to have to separate yourself from your past and start again. But you know what? That’s not really why I came.”

  He waited for me to speak. I couldn’t tell if it was just Dave being Dave and not saying much, or if he was too scared to talk. It didn’t really matter.

  “I need to thank you,” I said.

  “You want to thank me?” He was smart enough to look worried by the concept.

  “Yes. For once and all smashing any illusion I had about romance. My girlfriends wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but that was before I was naive enough to fall for you. Remember that stupid wish list of mine, Dave? Well, it may have been over the top but this little experiment has proved something to me. Don’t fall for someone you don’t think you’re compatible with.”

  “Cate—”

  “No,” I said firmly. “I do the talking in this relationship, remember? Not you. Oh, that’s right. You barely talk anyway. You let me pour out all my deepest, darkest secrets, but yours? They’re locked away so tight I’m beginning to think you threw away the key years ago.”

  “Cate—”

  “Ranting here, Dave, the best thing you can do right now is shut the fuck up.” I covered my mouth with my hand, my eyes wide. Where on earth had that come from?

  Dave bit his lip. Hard. I realized it was because he was trying not to laugh.

  I dropped my hand. “Oh, you think that’s funny, do you? Sweet, romantic Cate turned all bad ass on you? Well, laugh away, Dave, because you won’t be laughing when I leave. You’ll realize you screwed up the best damn thing to ever happen to you. And here’s why: I’m not Nadia. I’m Cate. And I’m not scared by your nasty father.”

  I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down several times. I wasn’t sure if he was swallowing laughter anymore or some other emotion.

  “I’m sorry,” he said after a moment.

  “Too late,” I said very quietly. “Too late, Dave. You just needed to talk to me. It was that simple, but you didn’t. You pushed me away. I still can’t figure out if it was because you haven’t ever really gotten over the past or because you were scared, but it really doesn’t matter anymore because—”

  “It was both,” he interrupted gruffly. “It was both of those things, Cate.”

  We stared at each other and I swore I felt my heart clench at the sight of the pain in his golden eyes. I shook my head at myself. “Dave, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.”

  “Yes, it does.”

  No. I was not going to cry. The fact that he looked like he was about to cry wasn’t helping. “You’re right,” I said, ignoring the waver in my voice. “It did matter, but it doesn’t now because I’ve realized a few things. I’ve realized the man I love should want to protect me and I’m going to give you full points for that, Dave. You did a fine job. But not at the cost of our relationship. The man I love would realize I’m strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way, he wouldn’t hide me from it. We’d ride the storm together, side by side. The man I love would talk to me. The good, the bad. All of it. And yeah, the man I love would love me no matter how shit scared he might be, because he’d know I was shit scared too.

  “So thank you for those lessons, Dave. They’ve been invaluable. And I hope you understand that I’m going to hold out for that man because it’s what I deserve.” I tipped my chin up at him. “I’d say that’s a more realistic wish list, wouldn’t you?”

  “Cate, please—”

  “Best of luck, Dave. I hope you’re happy, wherever you choose to go.”

  I ran from the garage, not trusting myself to stay any longer. As I jumped into the car, I called out to Lauren. “I’m going. Do you want a lift?”

  “No, I’ll stay here,” I heard her say. I avoided her gaze in case she saw the tears welling in my eyes.

  “I’ll give her a lift home, Cate,” Bear said.

  I nodded, still not looking at them, and gunned the engine. I concentrated hard on backing out of the driveway. It was only when I was finished reversing out onto the street that I saw Dave standing in the empty driveway, hands jammed into his pockets, his face unreadable.

  I blipped the accelerator and sped off into the distance.

  Chapter 41

  “I’ve got to say, this is the strangest way to spend the weekend.”

  “Is that an official complaint?” I asked Scarlett. “I thought it was a good idea. A picnic in the sun and it’s a beautiful day. You won’t get much sunny weather like this in the UK.”

  “Yeah, if you like the smell of petrol.”

  I grinned at her. “It is kind of pungent, isn’t it? It’s worse down in the pits.”

  “In the pits? Would you listen to yourself? You’re turning into a rev head.”

  “Hardly. Swif
t isn’t exactly high powered, but she’s light on her feet.”

  “She has tires, Cate. You know those round things that spin around? She’s not a person.”

  I shrugged, unperturbed. “I’m aware of that. Did you see her rubber, by the way? I invested in some new tires because the standard ones were pretty average.”

  “You say that like you went out and bought a new dress.”

  “I guess it is like buying her new shoes,” I pondered.

  Scarlett looked heavenwards. “And here I was trying to set you up with a man, when all along I should have been taking you out to buy a car.”

  “Leave her alone, Scarlett.” Christa came and sat down on the blanket next to me. “I think what Cate is doing is awesome. I wouldn’t have the balls to do it. And before you say it, yes, I know I don’t have balls.”

  “Which means Cate does?” Scarlett shot back.

  “Ha, ha, very funny,” I said.

  Scarlett leaned back on her elbows. I couldn’t see her eyes through her dark sunglasses, but I could tell she was looking at me. “It’s pretty cool.”

  “What is?” I asked.

  “The new you.”

  I huffed and waved a hand in the air. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yeah, you do. You’re still the same, Cate, but it’s kind of like girl power intensified or something.”

  I shook my head at her.

  “Yes!” Christa agreed, clapping her hands together. “Totally. I mean look at you.”

  I glanced down at my driving suit. When I’d discovered fireproof clothing was a requirement of participating in a track event, I’d decided to go all out. Wool clothing would have done, but this was much more fun. Besides, I’d kind of gotten the taste for the track days. This was only my second one but I was already looking forward to the next.

  “And the black suit looks awesome with the pink helmet,” she added. I grinned, glancing over at the black helmet I’d bought with pink flames.

  “So when is it your turn?” Scarlett asked.

  “Soon,” I said. “They divide us into groups depending on our times. I’m in the slowest, of course.”