I can almost feel Garvien reaching out, embedding his evilness deep beneath my skin, imprisoning me any way he can.
While Calasis and Ellestra joke around oblivious to any danger, I open my eyes, automatically searching for the one person who creates as much fear in me as he does erase it.
Blay stands back, his arms crossed over his chest, his penetrating gaze never once leaving my face.
I don’t know what he sees there, what secrets are unravelling in a single look, yet whatever it is, it can’t be good because he suddenly turns and walks out the door, leaving me behind, feeling more alone than ever before.
Chapter Eleven
“If you could please stand still, Miss, this won’t take much longer.”
I can’t stop fidgeting. The longer I stand here being measured and having material pinned to me in an attempt to perfect a dress that I don’t want to wear, to a ball that I don’t want to go to, the more restless I get.
Ellestra stands beside me, stock still, already knowing the routine and feigning enjoyment much better than I possibly can.
My defence training didn’t last long, we were summoned by Karadese for this ghastly dress fitting and I honestly don’t know which is worse, my near psychotic break or enduring the seamstress ‘accidently’ poking me with pins. If she stabs me one more time I swear I’m going to snap and ram them into her eyeballs like they are pin cushions.
My temper is flaring, I’m already tightly wound up and this certainly isn’t helping, yet at the same time, I’m okay as I can feel that these emotions are mine, not ruled by some foreign jewellery from a torturous monster embedded into my skin.
“I expect these dresses to be ready by tomorrow morning,” Karadese’s voice lacks the coldness of the manipulative Queen I now see her as.
The gentle smile she produces every time she looks my way doesn’t erase the fact that I know she’s just using me to please her people. If I’m honest I can understand why she’s doing it, that doesn’t make it any easier on me though, standing here playing nice.
“You both will look stunning,” her smile never truly washes away the sadness which lingers deep in her tawny eyes.
I don’t bother to return her smile, I get the feeling she would see right through my façade anyway, so I might as well not try.
“Well I will see you two at dinner, please dress appropriately this evening.” Karadese glances at the pants and shirt I have discarded messily on the floor before turning to leave.
The moment she is gone Ellestra sighs, relaxing her shoulders and begins a one-sided conversation about a boy she hopes will ask her to dance at the Ball. Nothing she says sinks in, I’m too focused on one thing, so I interrupt her rambling, determined to ask her before I chicken out.
“Can I ask you something, about your brother?”
Ellestra’s eyes roll and she pretends to gag.
“Oh, I’ve been waiting for this.”
“You have?” Maybe I’ve been wrong about Ellestra; perhaps she’s more switched on than I’ve given her credit for.
“Of course. All the girls are interested in Calasis.”
“Calasis?”
The seamstress pierces my skin with the pin again, suspiciously harder this time.
“Hey watch it!” I snap.
“Yeah, Calasis. That’s who you were meaning right?” Ellestra waits for me to respond, her eyebrows raised, her soft pink lips puckering as she suddenly becomes interested in my question.
“Of course I’m meaning Calasis.” The lie is out before I can stop it, already eager to retreat from admitting who I was really asking about.
“Well I didn’t think you would be asking after Blay, considering you can’t stand being anywhere near him.”
Her comment catches me off guard.
“What? Why do you say that?”
“Well it’s kind of obvious, Rayna.” Her seamstress removes the pinned dress, allowing her to step down off the little stool and face me.
“The way you look at him, it’s like you completely despise him or something.”
I think back to all the times Blay and I have been together with someone else around and guilt gnaws at my conscious when I realise I haven’t been as suave as I thought. Maybe what Ellestra said is true, but that was before, when all he produced was an indescribable fear in me and not the heart stuttering confusion that has since emerged.
Only now it’s different, Blay is different. His self-possessed, quiet nature is at odds with the tingling awareness he ignites in me, like lava beneath a sleeping mountain, he sets off an internal warning I have no control over, but it’s more than that, he has conjured something else too, something equally as dangerous. Now I don’t know what to feel around him and the uncertainty is playing games with my head.
“Why is that anyway – why don’t you like him?”
I let my mouth answer before thinking, only after doing so do I realise it’s true.
“He reminds me of someone who hurt me once.”
Ellestra quickly reaches out, taking my hand in hers and squeezing it in the universal gesture of comfort. No matter how desperately she tries to act more mature and tough, this girl is sweet and kind underneath, she couldn’t hurt a soul. I really should cut her some slack.
“I’m so sorry, Rayna. If I had of known that then I wouldn’t have taken you to training today while Blay was there.”
My seamstress hastily removes my half composed dress, packing up quickly and following her counterpart out of the room. Now that we are alone I begin to relax slightly.
“It’s fine, really. Blay has never done anything to hurt me; I guess I’m just projecting my fear onto him.”
“Who was it that he reminds you of?” she whispers, unsure that she should really ask.
I can’t say it, can’t utter the words to her or myself. It doesn’t make any sense, yet I can’t deny how Blay has made me feel ever since he walked into the room that very first time. It would crush Ellestra if she knew Blay evoked a similar feeling, however minimised, as the Zantronians do. Instead, I change the subject.
“Why do all the girls here like Calasis and not Blay anyway? That seems….well odd.”
“Apparently Calasis is charming and incredibly handsome.” She rolls her eyes again.
“Blay’s just as handsome, even more so really.” I let it slip out, almost defensively. Thankfully Ellestra doesn’t pick up on my agitation.
“He is, but, I don’t know, girls are always so busy fawning all over Calasis to see Blay that way.”
I haven’t spent much time with either of the guys but even I can see how Calasis emits a charismatic energy which pulls you in. He’s one of those guys who makes you feel special just by looking at you.
Blay, on the other hand, projects a quiet authority, almost aloof, as if he’s evaluating each situation systematically before he acts. Even if he didn’t trigger the unwarranted sense of fear in me I would still find him daunting.
“Don’t get me wrong, there have been girls that have gone after Blay, but he never responds to them. Being the next in line for the throne makes him wary I guess, and of course he’s always so busy with his duties that he doesn’t have time for girls. Calasis isn’t one to let his responsibilities get in the way of making girls swoon.” She laughs as she mocks.
“So what was it you wanted to ask about Calasis anyway?”
My mind goes blank and I stand there, mouth gaping like a fish trying to think of anything at all to ask.
“How old is he?” I eventually ask out of desperation.
“He turned eighteen last month.” She pulls on her dress and waits for me as I slip back into my own clothes.
“And Blay?”
“He’s nineteen.”
I’m surprised by that, he seems a lot older.
“Wow, they are close in age.”
Ellestra shrugs, “Yeah, as soon as Mother and Father got married they were desperate to start adding to the family line I guess, so they had Blay
and Calasis in quick succession, although they waited a bit for me to come along because Calasis was such a nightmare as a toddler – can you imagine?”
I can actually; he would have been a very demanding child, but equally as cute. Blay’s a different story; I doubt he ever acted childish in all of his life.
“Anyway, do you want to go get something to eat?” She asks, already heading for the door.
The thought of eating again makes my stomach drop. They have such big meals here and my body hasn’t yet returned to its normal appetite. All I really want is to be alone. Today has been filled with too many people and I feel drained, I need something to ease the tension that’s settled in my belly and make me feel like me again.
“Actually I might do some practice in the training room, so I’m a bit more prepared for the next time Calasis knocks me on my butt.”
She snickers, doubting my ability against her brothers who dwarf me by comparison.
“Well good luck with that.” She pauses halfway out the door. “Do you want me to come?”
I try to erase the panic off my face before answering in an upbeat tone.
“No, it’s okay.” I raise my voice loud enough to reach beyond the door. “Zaneth can lead the way; it will give him something to do other than standing out in a hall all day.”
I hear his muffled snort and imagine his face hardening at my comment and a genuine smile pulls at my lips. Ellestra giggles as she walks out of the room, leaving me alone for the first time all day.
***
The training room is quiet when I enter. I ask Zaneth to wait outside, not wanting anyone to witness my feeble attempts with the weapons and truthfully, slightly scared that I might snap again and try to attack him if my psycho-half takes over.
Staring down at the mat, a shudder twitches down my spine. How close I came to exposing myself in the worst possible way. A secret that even I don’t understand yet.
If I had acted on that foreign desire to hurt Calasis then what would have happened to me? Karadese wouldn’t care about presenting me to her people as a beacon of hope. No, I would have been strung up and slaughtered for all to see.
Guilt eats away at my conscious, twisting my thoughts into irrational plans of self-preservation. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I couldn’t live with myself if I harmed an innocent person, but I also can’t admit what is happening to me either, if I do then everything I have been fighting for will be lost.
Maybe I can demand to return home, to Earth? At least then I would be far away from the Prytorians and the Zantronians. Since the weird blue lights haven’t made a reappearance maybe I don’t need to worry about them either, perhaps that was some strange, one-off occurrence. If I left now no one would ever have to know that I stole the bracelet and that I’m pretty sure it’s changing me into something I have no control over.
But that thought stops me. I can’t promise that I won’t be overcome with sadistic desires of violence and if that happens on Earth, with my mum, then how am I ever going to be able to protect her from myself?
And I haven’t even entered Blay into the equation. Blay knows about the bracelet, he might not know its origins yet or the changes it is making inside of me, but I’m guessing it won’t take long before he figures things out. What then? No matter how far away I run to, his reaction will change everything – in the end, there will never be a safe place to hide.
Frustrated I turn to the weapons. Ever since this morning, I have wanted to try out the daggers, to see if they fit into my palms the way the silvery blue swords did.
My eyes run over the selection before me, from daggers to swords, to hatchets. They all look wickedly deadly and intimidating even if they are only training weapons and yet none of them provoke the same desire to be held like the blue swords caused in me.
Sighing, I reach out picking up a thick steel dagger, its weight reassuring in my hand. Just holding a weapon that could cause extreme damage to my enemy makes me feel stronger, chasing away the weakling hiding deep inside of me.
I step forward to the straw dummies, leaving several metres between us. Holding the dagger by the hilt I flick my wrist back and forth feeling the weight before releasing at the last moment, sending the dagger flying through the air, missing the dummy completely and crashing onto the floor. I half expected to hit a bull’s eye on my first go; it looks so easy in the movies. Retrieving the dagger I take my place again, determined this time to at least hit the damned dummy.
The skin on the back of my neck twitches as if fire ants are traipsing down my spine and along my arms, igniting the bracelet’s spell. I don’t bother to acknowledge him, I’m sure he has seen my shoulders tighten, a stiffness working its way along my back and settling into a scowl upon my face that I don’t try to hide. Instead I throw the dagger again, missing just as epically.
“You need to change your stance.” His gruff voice vibrates through me, quickening my heart.
I retrieve the dagger and then spread my legs shoulder width apart, ready to throw again.
“No,” Blay comes up beside me, demonstrating what he means by placing his left leg out in front of his lean body and putting his weight on his right leg, a stance that is completely natural to him. I copy him silently; standing like I would to throw a ball, looking a lot more awkward and nowhere near as competent.
Without waiting for further instructions I let my arm glide through the air, allowing the dagger to slip from my fingers when I think the time is right, a frustrated grunt escaping my throat as I once again watch it clatter to the ground.
Blay retrieves the dagger without a word, placing it in the waistband of his pants and hesitantly coming to stand behind me. I don’t move away, even though my body is screaming out to run. His breath tickles down my neck and my eyes automatically flicker shut when he softly places his hands on my shoulders. Gently he pushes me forward to readjust my stance, our legs mimicking each other’s, only mine are shaking, threatening to give out at any moment.
As his hands sweep down my arms before wrapping his fingers around my wrists I swear my heart tries to burst out of my ribcage, the pain of each thump has me breathing even harder.
I don’t fight him as he pushes my left arm forward as a guide while drawing my right arm back towards me.
His voice is low when he whispers, “Put your weight on your dominant leg and only once you begin to throw, transfer your weight to your left leg. Have your wrist bent back towards your forearm, this will give your throw more power. Move forward in a single motion at the same time as you throw your arm straight out while pulling your left arm back to maintain your balance. Keep your eyes on your target, envisioning the blade slicing deep into his chest.”
He moves me, as if I’m no more than an extension of his body, pushing my arm forward and flicking my wrist at the right moment and then back again, repeating the movement until my muscles unclench, his warmth radiating into my back, chasing away the fear and soothing the nerves he systematically produces.
When we are moving in sync and my lungs are working at a more natural rate, he pulls the dagger from his waistband, placing it into my palm, pausing for a long moment to look down into my eyes. I have to crane my neck back to look up at him, but once I do, I’m drawn to him, unable and unwilling to look away.
He bends down, his lips only inches from mine, his breath carrying my hair. I swallow as his eyes scour my face, looking for any indication that I’m going to stop him. When he sees no aversion in my expression, he slowly leans forward, my eyes automatically snapping shut, my mind blank for once, not overthinking the moment, only savouring the excited irrational adrenaline pumping through my veins with every passing second.
The sound of the heavy door opening pulls us apart. Blay steps several feet back, faster than I can imagine. With his distance comes clarity.
What the hell was I about to do? Kiss him? Did I really want to kiss him? The same guy who only days ago I was willing to kill because of the feeling he provokes in me. Can I
truly be that fickle?
Yet I can’t deny the feelings racing through my trembling body and making my heart seize when I look at him, standing there staring at me like he wants nothing more than to thump the person who interrupted us and kiss me until our breath runs out.
I hold myself in place, too scared to move in case I extinguish the distance between us and show him the tangled web of emotions I’m feeling right now. Damn whoever ruined our fleeting moment.
“There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you.”
My shoulders slump as Calasis’s cheerful voice effectively chases away any lingering emotions of desire for Blay.
“I didn’t realise you would be up for another training session already. What are you practising?”
“She’s attempting knife throwing.” Blay answers for me, keeping his gaze level and detached as he nods at me. “Way you go.”
I take my stance, weight back on my right leg, raising my hand towards my forearm like Blay taught me.
As I start to throw, Blay whispers at the exact time I release the dagger, “Simply allow the knife to slip from your hand, like it is an extension of yourself.”
The dagger soars through the air, hitting the dummy cleanly in the chest.
Blay smiles, his eyes lighting up to transform his whole face from a good looking guy to the most wickedly handsome guy I’ve ever seen. I can’t drag my eyes away from him until I realise that Calasis is talking to me.
“Wow, Rayna that was fantastic! You’re a natural.”
Finally I find my voice, “Just add it to the list.”
Calasis’s laughter is much too enthusiastic for my silly joke. I get the impression he’s up to something and that makes me instantly nervous.
“Did you need me for something?” I don’t want to be rude but I also don’t want Calasis hanging around. Blay and I need to talk and I have the feeling the conversation will be long.
“Actually, yes.”
Calasis makes his way to stand in front of me, reaching out and taking my hand in his. The nerves multiply out of control. I don’t know what he’s about to do, nor do I like the casual ease of which he touches me, as if he has every right to.
Paladin Rising (The Paladin's Curse Book 1) Page 12
