by Mia Brown
“Come, sit down,” I said.
“I have to finish,” Jaclyn said in a husky voice.
I shook my head. “If you do the books, then I’ll take care of the rest. I think I know what to do now, and you can delegate from your seat.”
Jaclyn nodded. She didn’t even try to fight me on it, which was an indication of how sick she felt. From what I’d seen all week, she’d worked as hard as the rest of them all her life. Stepping back had to be hard for her.
When I was sure she was alright, I walked to the stove and took over doing the mixture for the cans. Jaclyn sat at the table, and I asked her questions about the boys growing up to distract her and to get her talking again. Before long, she carried on with her stories, getting nostalgic about the past.
I took care of the canning, and I realized that I enjoyed it. It wasn’t rocket science, so I could concentrate on Jaclyn’s storytelling while I worked, but I enjoyed canning the tomatoes. In my life, I had never thought I would do something like this. But the more I got to know about the ins and outs of life on the ranch, the more I felt like I fit in here, and the more I realized how much I liked it. Who would have thought the simple life was something I wanted, in the end?
My parents would hate me for it. They might not speak to me again if I chose a life like this for myself instead of utilizing the degree I’d earned. The prospect of not living the life they’d chosen for me and not having them ride me every day was attractive.
When it was time for a break, I had done two dozen cans, and I was proud of myself. I put on a fresh pot of coffee for us, and Jaclyn told me where to find another pie she’d baked. How she managed to take care of all her chores on the ranch and bake pies, all while being sick was beyond me. I respected her so much.
When the coffee was ready, I filled two cups and took it to the table. I cut two slices of pie and sat down with Jaclyn. We ate pie and drank coffee, and Jaclyn fell back into the stories of her past. With her life coming rapidly to an end, her past and the memories there were all she had left.
Fifteen
Ace
When I was done cleaning the barn—it had taken me most of the day because Andrew had decided to disappear—I walked to the house. I’d spent time in the storeroom looking over the feeding charts and our calculations, and we needed to order more feed. I had to talk to my mom about it. She oversaw finances, and I wanted to run it all by her. She liked doing everything by the book, writing down numbers and referring to them. It was one of the reasons the ranch was doing so well. She had done the admin from day one, and the ranch had run smoothly as long as I could remember.
When I walked into the kitchen, I stopped in my tracks. My mom and Vanessa were sitting at the table, eating pie and drinking coffee. My mom was pale, but she was laughing. For a moment, I watched them. Neither of them had seen me yet, and I wanted to watch her, to enjoy this. I would remember this, always. The image of her laughing like that—something I hadn’t seen her do in a long time—was burned into my brain.
I cleared my throat, and they both looked up. Vanessa looked startled; my sneaking up on them had made it harder for her to run away from me, but my mom’s eyes smiled at me, and that was more than enough for me.
“Join us, Ace. We were talking about that time your brother nearly burned down the barn. It’s funny to laugh at now, but do you remember how terrified you were your dad would find you and make you pay?”
I chuckled despite myself. It was hard not to laugh at that. We had so many good memories here. Memories that hurt because my dad was gone now. Memories that would hurt even more after my mom left us, too.
“You are so lucky,” Vanessa said, and my mom and I both looked at her. “To have memories like that is rare. I don’t have anything like that, not the way you do.”
I studied her face. She was being genuine. She wasn’t bitter or upset or even jealous. She really meant it, and she was right. Having memories, the way we did, even if they hurt sometimes, was special. And no matter how hard it was to look back at the days my dad was alive, we were so lucky to have had him.
“You’ll have plenty of fond memories to look back on one day. You’re still so young, dear,” my mom said.
Vanessa smiled and sipped her coffee. Jaclyn was telling her something about me again, and she hung on my mom’s words. I watched her in our kitchen, and I wondered if she realized how much she fit in here with us. It was like she belonged here from the start, and it had just taken me a while to find her. Was I the only one that realized how easy it seemed for her to slip into place with us?
I realized then that I was thinking long-term. I saw Vanessa as part of the ranch. How had that happened? She’d only been here a week, but it felt like she had been here forever, in a way. She belonged here. And it jarred me that I was thinking like that. I’d known that I wanted to settle down, that I wanted the stability of a partner that could be there for me the way my parents were for each other. But thinking that I might have found someone that fit the bill so quickly?
It was too much for me, and I sat down on the bench.
My parents had met at an auction. My mom had told us countless times how she’d seen my dad and known for a fact that he was trouble. He’d tried to charm her, and she’d been everything but interested. They’d bumped heads from the moment they’d met.
A few months later, they’d gotten married. They had been young and foolish, so my mom said, and they had known that they were looking at forever when they looked into each other’s eyes.
I wanted that. It was so cliché, so ridiculously corny, and I wanted it. I wanted the kind of love that you knew would be forever when you looked at that person. Until now, I had been sure that it was precisely what I didn’t want. I had fucked around so much on campus because it had been safe. Not getting attached to someone meant you couldn’t lose them, and it wouldn’t hurt so much. But now that I was going to lose my mom, we were looking back at all the memories we shared of us growing up, and without someone in my life, there would be no memories moving forward.
I would grow old and die eventually—not loving someone wouldn’t stop that—but I would be alone if I traveled along this road. And I didn’t want that.
Vanessa got up when they had finished their pie and cleared away the plates. She offered my mom more coffee and poured me a cup without me asking for one or her offering. I watched her move around the kitchen I had grown up in. Was she the woman for me the way my mom had been the woman for my dad? Was this it? Could this be the happily ever after I’d realized I wanted?
I didn’t have the answers to those questions, so I pushed them to the back of my mind. Right now, my mom needed my attention more.
She was so pale; I was sure she’d had a spell earlier. Vanessa was making a point of doing all the physical work, even if it was only clearing up a table, and my mom wasn’t arguing or trying to take over. She was worse off than she was trying to show.
I worried about her. She had been getting weaker lately. Her spells happened more often and lasted longer, and there wasn’t someone around to keep an eye on her all the time. I was terrified that something would happen to her when we were all out and no one would be here to make sure she was okay. Even with everyone around, there were times she was alone. I had to do something about that.
My mom wasn’t eating as much as she should anymore, and I’d noticed she had stopped taking the medication the doctor had given her. It wasn’t because she wasn’t trying to get better. It was because she couldn’t. She had accepted her fate.
“Was there something you needed to talk to me about, honey?” my mom asked, turning to me.
I shook my head. “Nothing urgent, Mom,” I said. I moved closer and took her hand between both of mine. I wouldn’t discuss the feed with her now. In fact, I didn’t want to talk about any ranch business with her anymore. Andrew and I would have to take that responsibility. We had been putting it off, but it was time for us to take over and let my mom live her last days out in pe
ace without worrying about the ranch.
And when I did come to talk to her about anything at all, I wanted it to be about the things in life that mattered. Things like love and family and friends, memories and dreams. I wanted to spend the time I had left with her talking about the right things.
Vanessa looked unsure about my presence, but I didn’t care. If she wanted to leave because she was trying to avoid me, she could do that. If she wanted to stay, she was more than welcome. But I was going to stay here and spend time with my mother. I had been gone for too long, and I had lost time to catch up on. I wanted to be with her.
I felt Vanessa’s eyes on me, but I didn’t worry about what she might be thinking. Right now, I had more important things on my mind. I doubted she would understand what it felt like.
Sixteen
Vanessa
On Tuesday, everything was back to normal. Jaclyn had had a bad spell later Sunday, but it might have been because she’d gone to church and been on her feet for so long. On Monday, both Andrew and Ace had insisted that she rest, dividing up her chores between the rest of us, and I’d been glad to jump in.
Today, Jaclyn looked much better. There was hope that she would pull through. Jaclyn could make it; she was strong and determined, and that made all the difference. It was what we all needed to believe to get through this, and I for one would believe it with all my heart.
It had been heartbreaking to watch Ace and his mom together at the table on Sunday. I had wanted to flee at first. I had been so adamant to avoid Ace—but when he’d sat down with her, there had been nothing but love in the room. I hadn’t been able to peel myself away from that. He had been so kind and so gentle with her, talking about everything but the ranch and the work all around us. It had been as if he had decided he wouldn’t bother her with it anymore. He would only speak of happy things with her from now on.
Ace had shown me a different side of himself that day. He was sweet and caring, and the family was obviously very close. A lot had happened in their past. They had dealt with loss and pain in so many ways, and it had only brought them closer together. I was an outsider looking in, but I could appreciate the bond they had with each other.
It made me want something like that, too. Being privy to their family dynamic made me realize what was possible. I didn’t have to settle for the conditional love my family gave that I hated. I could have this unconditional kind of love and affection, too, if I was willing to hold out and wait until I found it. I didn’t have to marry for station or to uphold the family image the way my parents expected of me.
Seeing Ace like that with Jaclyn had also made me wonder if his reputation really was so important. He had so many redeeming qualities, and even though he had been with more women than I cared to know about, I was starting to think that maybe it didn’t matter that much. Ace was a good guy on the inside, even though he tried so hard to be the bad guy.
Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dwell so much on his reputation, but rather look at how he was. They say that it is important to see how a man treats his mother because that is how he will treat his wife.
The moment I thought it, I scolded myself. How could I think about Ace in that way? We weren’t anything more than friends. The chances of me ending up as his wife were slim to none. But having a life like this, being part of a family that meant so much to each other, well, it was a wonderful thing to dream about.
I was busy in the vegetable garden, taking care of the chores Jaclyn usually did. Andrew, Ace and I had decided on Sunday night that we would divide up the extra duties between the three of us so that Jaclyn could take it slower. We hadn’t even asked her; we had just done it. She hadn’t protested much, either.
I didn’t mind the extra work. Puttering around in the garden and taking care of the vegetables was rewarding and fun. I had found a whole new way of life that worked for me.
Alana walked down the path that led past the vegetable garden to the main house, and I waved at her. She smiled and came toward me.
“How are things around here?” Alana asked.
“Good. We’re managing,” I said. “Where are you headed?”
Alana motioned with her head in the direction of the main house. “I need to chat with Jaclyn about a few things.”
“Oh, it would be better if you didn’t,” I said. “She’s resting, and I don’t think you should disturb her.”
Alana’s smile faded. “Excuse me?”
“Jaclyn’s resting,” I said again. “I think she should do a lot more of that.”
“And who are you to make that call?” she asked.
I blinked at her, taken aback. “What?”
“I know you think you’re all grand now that you’ve taken on some extra chores and Jaclyn is teaching you a few things with the vegetables, but you’ve barely been here a week. You don’t get to call the shots around here.”
“That’s not what I was trying to do,” I said.
“I’ve known Jaclyn for years. I’m a part of this family in ways you’ll never be. If I go in there, Jaclyn will want to see me.”
I kept shaking my head. Alana was getting angrier and angrier. Her eyes were dangerous, and she leaned forward like she was going to attack.
“How about you do what you’re paid to do, and you stay out of our business otherwise?” she sneered. “It’s not like your opinion counts at all. You’re just a little ranch hand.”
“Alana, you misunderstand,” I said. “I wanted—”
“To wriggle your way in here and take over. I know,” she finished for me. I couldn’t believe what a bitch she was being. I was only trying to help, and she was acting like I was personally trying to get her out of the ranch for good.
I noticed Andrew coming by. He heard Alana—she was raising her voice—and he frowned, walking toward us.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “What’s going on?”
Alana turned to him, her hands planted on her hips. “Miss Priss here is trying to tell me I can’t see Jaclyn. Like she has some kind of say in the way thing are run, here.”
Andrew swallowed and looked at me. I was at a loss for words. I hadn’t been ready for an attack, and her accusations weren’t exactly fair.
“Alana, Vanessa is right,” Andrew said.
“What?” Alana cried.
“My mom needs to rest. She wants to be left alone. She’s had a hard few days, harder nights, and we shouldn’t bother her with anything.”
Alana looked like she was going to cry, and I felt for her. It had to be hard to be treated as one of the family for so long, only to be reminded that she wasn’t, after all.
“So, I’m not allowed to see her now, is that it?” She looked at me. “Are you allowed to see her?”
I shook my head. “It’s not about that.”
Andrew shook his head at me, and I stopped trying to fix it. He knew Alana better than I did.
“Come on,” Andrew said, putting an arm around her shoulder and leading her away. “Let Vanessa get on with her work. I’ll tell you how my mom is doing.”
Alana seemed to be satisfied enough with the outcome to do what Andrew asked, and I was left alone with the vegetable patch. What the hell had that been about? Alana had been my friend until now. Her hostility had caught me completely off guard. It seemed like jealousy if I thought about it, but what did she have to be jealous about? I hadn’t been at the ranch for very long; there was no way I would be able to mess up the friendship Alana had with Andrew and Ace. And I wasn’t ever going to be able to interfere with Alana’s relationship with Jaclyn. Everyone around the ranch was so close to each other.
If anyone, I was the outsider.
Unless it was about Ace, but she couldn’t have known what had happened between us. We were acting like it had never happened. I hadn’t told anyone, and I doubted Ace would have. He wasn’t the type to kiss and tell, from what I knew—his reputation that had been spread around campus had been started by the women he’d slept with, not by him. So, it
couldn’t be that.
Besides, it had only happened once on a drunk night—for him—and it didn’t mean anything. Right?
I was relieved that Andrew had stepped in and taken my side in this, but I was worried it might have made Alana even more hostile toward me that the people she’d grown up with were taking my side against her. But Jaclyn wasn’t doing well, and above all, we were looking out for her. I was, too. I had become attached to her. In a very short time, Jaclyn had become dearer to me than a lot of people in my life, including my own family.
It was horrible to say that. I felt terrible that I didn’t care as much about my mom as I did about Jaclyn, but I couldn’t help how I felt, and there it was.
I continued with the chores in the vegetable gardens, weeding and picking the ripe vegetables. When I was done, I picked up the basket and walked toward the house. I put them in the storage room along with others and crept quietly to the kitchen to get a drink of water before heading out again.
Andrew sat at the kitchen table drinking a beer when I walked in. He looked up at me.
“Sorry about that,” he said.
“Don’t worry about it,” I answered. “It’s a hard situation to deal with. I don’t mean to impose.”
“And you’re not,” Andrew said. “But you’re right, it is difficult for all of us, and Alana is as much part of the family as Ace and I are.”
I nodded. I could understand that. There was history here that I couldn’t begin to guess at. I filled a glass with water and sat down at the table with Andrew.
“I don’t know what to do with her,” Andrew said. “I know she’s hurting.”
“Tell her how you feel about her,” I said. I was taking a chance. Andrew snapped his head up to me.
“What?” he asked.
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” I asked. I was speaking softly, being careful not to step on his toes. He hesitated before he nodded.
