by Mia Brown
“I didn’t think it was that obvious.”
I sipped my water. “I don’t think it is,” I said. “I notice it, but I don’t think anyone else has. How long have you felt this way?”
Andrew hesitated. I was pushing for information that he hadn’t told anyone else.
“Middle school,” he admitted.
I nodded, drinking more of my water. “You should tell her. Life is short. If I’ve learned anything during my stay here, it’s that we can’t afford to wait. It can be too late so quickly.”
“You’ve got that right,” Andrew said. “I just don’t know how to handle it if she rejects me.”
“Well, you won’t be worse off than you are now,” I said. “Right now, nothing’s going to happen. If you tell her and she rejects you, you’ll just carry on doing nothing. But if you tell her and she accepts you? Everything can change for you, and that’s a chance worth taking. If it’s the woman you love.”
Andrew nodded. “I hear you,” he said. He didn’t add anything else, and we sat in silence for a while, my words still hanging in the air.
“I have to get on with my chores,” he finally said and got up. He put the empty beer bottle in the glass recycling bin and walked out of the kitchen, whistling.
I finished my water and rinsed my glass in the sink. It was easy to give other people advice, I thought. Taking it was a different story. Of course, I wasn’t in a situation where I had to take my own advice. Ace popped into my mind, but I pushed the thought away again.
Seventeen
Ace
I was in the feeding room with a clipboard and a pen, trying to figure out how much feed we had left before we had to order another batch. My mom usually did this, but it was time Andrew and I took over. How hard could it be?
A lot harder than it’d thought, apparently. I hadn’t had a talk with Andrew about it, yet, but after we’d divided up all my mom’s chores, I had a feeling he felt the same way about it.
The door to the feeding room opened, and Alana walked in.
“Oh, hi,” I said. “You found me.”
“Yeah, I was looking for you,” she said. She seemed sullen. She stood next to me in silence for a moment, and I tried to focus on the sheet in front of me. God, there was a lot of information on here.
“Are you ever going to notice me?” Alana asked.
I looked at her, frowning. “What?” I asked.
She looked at me, and her eyes were serious.
“You heard me,” she said.
She was right. I had heard her. But I had no idea what she was talking about. Everything about her was different than usual. Alana was usually so carefree, and right now she seemed troubled.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
She sighed, exasperated. “You’re so blind,” she said. “I’ve been right under your nose for years, and you never thought about me as anything other than a friend? Were you ever going to feel differently for me?”
I was starting to see the light. She meant romantically.
“Alana,” I started. “You’re one of my best friends. We grew up together. You’re like a sister.”
She laughed bitterly. “Do you know how painful that is? Men always think it’s such a compliment, but it’s a slap in the face when you hear the guy you’re in love with only likes you as a friend. As a sister.”
I shook my head. I had no idea where this was coming from. I’d had no idea that Alana felt this way, apparently had for years.
“I’m sorry if that hurts you,” I said. “It wasn’t meant to. You know I love you, Alana. We grew up together. You’re as much a part of my life as this ranch is. But I don’t feel about you that way. I care for you very much, but not romantically.”
She winced when I said it like I was physically hurting her, but I had to tell her the truth. I couldn’t tell her anything else and get her hopes up when nothing was going to happen between us. I hadn’t ever thought about her as a friend, a buddy, one of the people I’d grown up with.
Alana was upset. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she nodded slowly, looking down. She blinked furiously to get the tears away. Even though I’d seen her cry a million times, she wouldn’t cry in front of me about this.
“Okay,” she said. I wanted to say something to make it all better, to stop her from hurting. I didn’t want her to be upset with me. She was one of the few people in my life that had always been a constant, and she meant a lot to me, even though it would never be the way she wanted.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I truly was.
She shook her head and walked away, leaving the feeding room without another word. I was left behind wondering what the hell had just happened. Everything at the ranch turned on its head now. My mom was dying. Alana apparently had loved me for years, but I didn’t want her. And the woman I wanted didn’t want me.
Fucking great.
When I finished in the feeding room, I headed back to the main house. I was hoping I could find some books in my mom’s office that would give me a clue how to handle the feed orders and how to plan it. When I stepped onto the porch, Vanessa sat on the floor in the corner with three kittens on and around her.
“What’s this?” I asked, walking to her.
She looked up at me and smiled. It was a careful smile—until now she’d been avoiding me.
“Kittens,” she said.
“I can see that.” I kneeled in front of her and scratched the ginger kitten behind its ears. Vanessa cuddled a gray one, and a black kitten with white paws tried to pounce on a dried leaf. “They’re cute.”
Vanessa nodded. “I found them in the barn. Their mom was quite happy for me to play with them. They’re not wild like I thought they would be.”
I sat down and picked up the ginger. “Cats are great around the ranch. They take care of the mice and rats that try to get into the feed.” I had no problem keeping them around. Especially not if Vanessa liked them this much. I was starting to notice that she had an affinity for baby animals.
I sighed, the conversation with Alana still on my mind.
“Care to share?” Vanessa asked. When I looked up, her eyes were on my face. She might have been unhappy about us sleeping together, but she was open with me now. And observant. Being around her was pleasant; it just worked. So, I told her.
“Alana cornered me in the feed room and confessed her love for me.”
“I was wondering when she would,” Vanessa said.
I blinked at her. “What? Did she tell you?”
She shook her head. “No, but it wasn’t hard to see. She’s been batting her eyelashes at you since the day I arrived.”
“Oh,” I said. “I didn’t notice.”
Vanessa giggled. “No, I can tell.”
I looked at her. She was still smiling, but her attention was back with the kittens. She wiggled her fingers close to the floor so that the black kitten tried to pounce on her hand. She laughed, and I loved the look of it on her.
“I told her I’m not interested,” I said. I didn’t know why I wanted Vanessa to know that, but it was important to me that she did. It wasn’t like it would mean much to her, but still.
“I can imagine that didn’t go down very well,” she said, looking at me again. Her violet eyes were striking. “She was already in a bad mood.”
“What happened?” I asked.
Vanessa shrugged and explained what had happened that morning. “I think she feels like I’m trying to take over.”
I shook my head. “I’m sure it’s not like that. You’re trying to look out for my mom is all. It means a lot to all of us. It means a lot to me.”
Vanessa looked up at me, and we locked eyes. For a moment, time stood still, and it was one of those rare times that it felt like anything could happen.
“Well, now that Alana knows you’re not interested,” she said, breaking the spell, “it might give Andrew a chance.”
“Andrew?” I asked. “A chance for what?”
Vanes
sa chuckled. “You’re cute,” she said. “Andrew has a thing for Alana, and judging by the way he looks at her, it’s been like that for a while. Maybe you could point her in his direction when she’s done licking her wounds from your rejection.”
I shook my head. “Are you being serious? How did I miss all of this?”
She shrugged. “You’ve got other things on your mind, I guess.”
“Like what?”
She glanced at me. “Like your next hookup. Or the troubles on the ranch that you either have to fix or run away from.” She looked unsure.
I frowned. “You’re really observant,” I said. Because everything she said was right. No matter what I was focused on, it was all about me. My pleasure, my pain, my duties. It had nothing to do with everyone else, and maybe that was why I couldn’t see everyone else around me.
Except Vanessa. I saw her, and that meant something.
“Maybe if you stop focusing so much on your pain.”
“What do you know about my pain?” I asked. It was fine for her to point it out once, but she was dwelling on it.
“I know that your mom won’t be the first person you’ll lose, and you can’t throw away everything else that reminds you of the people you lost so it hurts less.”
I was suddenly angry. “You’re completely out of line,” I said. “You weren’t here. You don’t know what it was like. All you have are conclusions that you’ve jumped to after you’ve heard one or two stories and a life you’ve created for me in your mind in the short time you’ve been here.”
Vanessa nodded slowly. “You’re right,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
I took a deep breath. “No,” I said. “It’s okay.” I didn’t want to tell her, but she was right. About all of it. I didn’t know how she saw it all in such a short time. How had she figured out everyone around here in the few days she’d been here? It pissed me off because she’d hit a nerve, but she was completely right. In my own pain and suffering, I had become selfish. I had pushed everyone else away.
“I think I better get these guys back to their mom. She must be getting worried, and I have chores to take care of, still.”
Vanessa stood up and scooped up two of the kittens. I handed her the third. “I’ll see you around,” she said and walked away from me, heading back to the barn. I watched her go. She was different than any of the women I’d met before. She noticed things. And a lot of what she’d said was accurate. Was I really that focused on myself that I didn’t pay attention to what was happening around me? It was true. I was running from the pain of losing my dad. And because of it, I’d wanted to leave the ranch behind. But what about the people in my life?
Maybe she was right about all of it. Maybe I was so focused on my next hookup—release and pleasure numbed the pain I felt and how lost I was sometimes—that I didn’t notice anyone else.
I scratched my head and looked out over the ranch. My brother and Alana? The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like they would make a good match. They both had the same interests, and she knew him better than anyone out there. And she was the only woman he was comfortable around. My brother wasn’t a ladies’ man the way I was, and it had been the cause of so many fights when we were growing up. If they could be together, it would do them both a world of good.
Maybe I had to point her in his direction after all, like Vanessa had suggested. Andrew deserved to find love.
And me? I wanted that, too. I had never wanted it before. The idea of settling down and giving my heart to someone had scared me. But there was something about Vanessa that had changed my mind about everything. She was starting to impact me.
What was it about her that made everything she said and did so special? When she spoke to me, she put it all into amazing perspective. And she made so much sense. She was the kind of person I wanted around. I had no idea why I wanted her around all the time, why I needed her to stay in my life. Somehow, I knew that she was the woman for me.
Eighteen
Vanessa
On Thursday morning, five Mexican guys arrived at the ranch asking to speak to Ace. He’d greeted them like they were old friends and invited them into the barn. After a while, he came out with them, and they all headed toward the bunkhouse. He walked to me.
“Can I talk to you for a sec?” he asked.
I nodded, straightening up from the patch of vegetables I was tending to.
“These guys work with us for the harvest and the auctions every year. They’re early this year, and they need work, so I figured with how things are, I’ll let them stay on and work. But they’ll be staying in the bunkhouse where they stay every year. Is that okay with you?”
“Why are you asking?” I asked. “The bunkhouse is where all your workers stay. Of course, it’s fine.”
Ace shook his head. “I know it’s how it normally works, but you’ll be the only woman in there. They’re perfectly respectable guys. I trust them—but I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable. I can arrange for another place for you to sleep.”
I shook my head, smiling. “It’s sweet of you, Ace, but I think I’ll be alright. Let me give it a shot. If it doesn’t work, I’ll tell you, okay?”
Ace nodded. “Thanks. I didn’t want to turn them away. They work hard, and they have little. I don’t want to be the one to stand in the way of their next meal.”
“Will your mom be okay with the extra cooking?” I asked.
“I’m giving them extra for food, and I’ve asked them to take care of themselves in the kitchenette. I can use the help, but I don’t want to do that to her.”
I nodded. It made sense. Ace thanked me again before he walked off to take care of other business. I watched him go. Every time I thought I had the guy figured out and sized up right, he surprised me. When I’d first met him, I’d thought he was a player, a selfish ass that cared only about himself and the next place he would land his dick. I was starting to see he had a lot of soft sides to him.
Not wanting to turn the guys away because he was worried they wouldn’t have food that night was just more proof that under all that arrogance and charm, Ace was a good guy. His reputation was starting to matter less and less.
I also wouldn’t be alone in the bunkhouse anymore. I had been happy to be alone when I’d first arrived, but now that I was used to the ranch a little more and I’d found a routine, the idea of some company was a nice thought. Of course, I knew nothing about the guys or what it would be like, but I could adapt. I had learned that about myself recently; I could change and adjust and fit into new lifestyles. My whole life had been so stale that even though change had been a foreign concept—other than going to college far away from home—I hadn’t done much of anything. I’d done more, learned more, and grown more the past two weeks than I had my whole life.
So, I could do this. I could share a bunkhouse with five men and not blink an eye. I chuckled when I thought about what my mother would say about it.
After I had checked in on Cookie and fed her a bottle, I walked to the bunkhouse. Raucous laughter echoed from inside, and I pushed open the door. Five men all in different cubicles froze and looked at me.
“Eh, Chica,” one of them said. “We heard we were bunking with a lady.” A man came to me with tanned skin and pitch-black hair that flopped over his forehead. “I’m Pedro. I hope you don’t mind we are loud and messy.”
I laughed. “I don’t mind. Vanessa.” I held out my hand, and he took it.
“That over there is Ramon,” he pointed to a man with a potbelly wearing a sleeveless shirt. “The one with the long hair is his brother Stefano, and the ugly guy over there is Jose.”
“Cabron,” Jose said, which meant something like asshole, if I wasn’t wrong. Pedro laughed.
“And the quiet guy over there—he’ll get loud when he drinks—is Luz.”
“It’s cool to have roommates,” I said. “I’ve been alone for a while.”
Pedro shrugged. “You might wish you were alone again after a few days wi
th us.”
I laughed. These guys were great. They made me feel at home right away: like one of the guys.
“We hope you don’t mind,” Jose said. “We replaced some of the water in the fridge with beer.”
“Beer makes a man work harder,” Luz said, and the others laughed.
“Any excuse to drink, eh Luz?” Stefano chirped. Luz shrugged.
“Feel free to take some beer,” Pedro said. I thanked him, although beer wasn’t quite my thing. We all moved to the kitchenette, and the men drank beer and slung insults back and forth, both in English and Spanish. My Spanish wasn’t great, but it was good enough to catch what they were saying now and then, and I laughed. The guys were crude and unrefined, and I loved it. Every moment I spent at the ranch, learning the way of life here and getting to know more people, I fell in love with it more. The contrast between my life and the life here grew by the day, and I started to formulate an idea that this was what I wanted to do with my life once I was done here.
I was sure with the experience I picked up here, I could find another ranch to work at, even if I started on the bottom rung and worked my way up. But the life Jaclyn had, with a family that cared for her and a past that was rich with memories, I wanted that.
“I have to get back to my chores,” I said to the guys after I’d had a beer—not my favorite—with them.
“Work hard, Chica,” they said.
“Only as hard as you guys,” I said and winked. They burst out in fits of laughter, and I left the bunkhouse, shaking my head.
I walked to the barn to visit Cookie. She needed another bottle, and I was getting attached to the calf. She was getting bigger by the day, and she’d started waiting for me around the time she knew I would come around.
“Hello, sweetie pie,” I said, letting myself into the stall after getting the bottle. “You’re waiting for me, again. What a sweetheart.”
I sat down with her and gave her the bottle. She tried to lie squashed up against me like she had before, but she was getting too big for that.
