Dearest Cowboys Box Set

by Mia Brown

  “We’ll have to figure something else out,” I said. I pulled her ears while she drank. I was being silly getting this attached to the calf. Eventually, she would be weaned off the bottle and put out in the fields with the other weaners, and she wouldn’t need me anymore. And then she would grow up, auctioned off and become someone’s dinner. I was under no illusion what the cows were for at the ranch. But I liked being around her, and for that, it was more than enough.

  I would deal with letting go once the time came.

  When I was done with Cookie, I walked to the vegetable garden and checked on it. There wasn’t much to do that I hadn’t already done, so I headed to the main house.

  In the kitchen, Jaclyn was standing at the counter making herself tea.

  “Hi,” I said, walking to her. Her hand trembled when she reached for the kettle, and I frowned. She tried to lift the kettle and nearly dropped it.

  “Here,” I said, walking to her. “Let me do it.” I took the kettle from her and poured boiling water into the cup.

  “Sorry, Vanessa,” Jaclyn said. “I’m a little under the weather today.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Why don’t you sit down? I’ll make a cup for me too, and we’ll sit down together.”

  Jaclyn nodded and pressed her hand to her forehead. She walked to the table and sank down onto the bench. I brought two cups of tea to the table and pushed one in front of her.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked. She was very pale, her skin pasty, paper thin. Her hands trembled as she reached for her cup, and she looked like she was out of breath.

  “Oh, that’s too hot,” she said when she pressed the cup against her lips. I frowned. I’d made a point of filling the cup only halfway and adding ice water to the rest. The tea was lukewarm at best.

  “Let’s get you to the couch for a lie-down, what do you say?” I asked. I got up without waiting for an answer. Jaclyn needed to lie down immediately. She was so pale I was starting to worry.

  “I’m fine, dear. Really.”

  I didn’t care what she was saying. She needed to get horizontal.

  “Come on,” I said, taking her arm gently and helping her up. She tripped over her own feet and nearly fell when she walked around the table.

  “I’ve got you,” I said.

  “I don’t feel very well,” Jaclyn said, pressing her hand to her head again.

  I was getting urgent about getting her to the couch. I didn’t get the feeling she could stay on her feet much longer. She shouldn’t have gotten out of bed in the first place.

  “Come on, only a few steps more to the living room,” I said. I held her arm as tightly as I dared, but Jaclyn was so frail I was scared she would break if I squeezed too hard. Her arms were skin and bones; she’d lost too much weight.

  Jaclyn turned her head to me to say something. Instead, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she collapsed on the floor.

  “Jaclyn!” I cried and fell to my knees next to her. I checked her breathing and her pulse first. She was still alive, thank God, but barely. It was so faint I was terrified. I could taste my heart in my throat.

  I found my phone and dialed 911. The moment I got off the phone, I started screaming for Ace.

  I hoped he was close enough to the house to hear me. Jaclyn was passed out on the floor, her body looking smaller and frailer than ever. Her hair had come undone; her eyes were sunken, and I kept checking to see if she was breathing. Everything slowed down. My ears were ringing, and it felt like forever before I finally heard sirens in the distance. I was in a daze, trying to check if Jaclyn was still alive.

  The front door swung open, and people rushed in. First Ace, pulling me back, and I fought him to let me stay with Jaclyn. Alana and Andrew followed, and then, finally, the paramedics. They worked quickly and stabilized her, putting an oxygen mask over her face and lifting her onto a gurney. There were people everywhere and I struggled to think straight. All I could see was Jaclyn’s frail body, catching glimpses of her pale face when someone moved for a second. They carried her out of the door, and only after that did it register that someone was talking to me.

  Andrew, Alana, and Ace were crowded around me me. Ace was talking to me, but I couldn’t hear him. Alana was pointing, getting Andrew to do something, but I was in a daze.

  Finally, Ace’s words came through to me.

  “Grab your phone. We’re leaving right now. You’re coming with me.”

  “I’ve got this,” Alana said behind me, an answer to a question I didn’t hear, and then we were headed out the door, running to Ace’s truck.

  Nineteen

  Ace

  This was it. This was where we lost her. I knew it. I could feel it in my bones. I was filled with dread, and I remembered the day my dad had died as if it was yesterday. I wasn’t ready for this kind of pain again. I wasn’t ready to lose my mom. She had been there from the start, my pillar of strength when I’d started to crumble after losing my dad. I couldn’t lose her now, too. Where would I be without her?

  The ambulance raced ahead. Andrew was in there with my mom. He’d run out just as they’d pulled off and insisted on going with her. I hoped to God she would be alright when we reached the hospital. It wasn’t very far, but anything could happen, and I didn’t want him to be the only one that got to say goodbye.

  I was on autopilot. I had no idea what I was doing. Everything happened automatically. All I knew was that I had to be at the hospital when my mom arrived. I had to be with her. I had so much I wanted to say to her still—that I was sorry for leaving when she’d needed me, that I was sorry I’d been so selfish about my own pain when my dad had died that I hadn’t taken hers into consideration. I wanted to thank her for the mom she’d been for so long, for how much she’d sacrificed for all of us.

  There was too much to say and so little time.

  Vanessa reached over and took my hand, and I remembered she was in the car with me. I’d asked her to come with me, and she hadn’t hesitated. When I’d heard her screaming for help, I had run to the house, knowing that something terrible had happened. Since then, I had been on automatic, doing what needed to be done. Vanessa had been there when my mom had collapsed. Thank God my mom hadn’t been alone. If she’d been alone, who knew how long it would have taken to find her. It might have been too late. It was only because Vanessa had reacted so quickly calling 911 that my mom was okay at all. The paramedics had said as much.

  And I still didn’t know if she was going to be okay. Would she make it all the way to the hospital? What if she died on the way? I didn’t know if I would be able to survive that.

  Vanessa squeezed my hand as if she knew my mind was running away with me and I needed the reassurance, but she didn’t say anything. The support was what I needed, and I was grateful. I didn’t know if I would be able to come up with a response. But Vanessa could read me very well, and she knew what I needed. So, she held onto my hand, and we followed the ambulance in silence all the way to the hospital.

  When we arrived, my mom was wheeled in right away. I jumped out and ran in with Vanessa and Andrew. Vanessa was stopped in the waiting area. She wasn’t family and wasn’t allowed to follow my mom deeper into the hospital.

  “It’s fine, go,” she said when I turned to look at her. I nodded. She was being so supportive about everything. I pushed through the doors with my brother following the nurses that had clustered around my mom’s gurney. They were wheeling her through the corridors as fast as they could run, shouting medical terms at each other that meant nothing to me. Finally, Andrew and I had to stop, too. We stood in the corridor, breathing hard. I felt like my chest was going to implode.

  “She’s going to be fine,” Andrew said, but neither of us believed it.

  It felt like forever that we had to sit on the plastic chairs before a doctor came out. We both jumped up.

  “Are you family?” he asked.

  “It’s our mom,” I said.

  The doctor nodded. “We stabiliz
ed her. You’re lucky you got her here as quickly as you did; she was in severe danger.”

  I was getting dizzy. This was too familiar, too real. It was all too much like what had happened before.

  “Is she going to be okay?” Andrew asked.

  The doctor sighed. “I’m not going to pretend that everything is fine. She’s in a dangerous place, and we’re going to have to monitor her very closely.”

  My stomach dropped. “Can we see her?” I asked. I was terrified she would leave without me being able to say goodbye.

  “You can, but she’s weak. Try to keep it short and don’t work her up.”

  We nodded, and the doctor let us into the room where my mom was hooked up to machines and tubes. She looked so small in that bed, her body tiny under the sheets.

  “Mom?” Andrew said, standing on the other side of the bed from me. My mom opened her eyes and focused on me and then Andrew.

  “My boys,” she said in a hoarse voice. She reached for Andrew and put her hand on his cheek. “You’re such a strong man. You look just like your father.”

  Andrew closed his eyes, and I knew that it meant more to him than anyone would ever understand. She reached for me, and I took her hand. She tugged my hand, and I leaned closer.

  “You’re so much more than you allow yourself to believe. You have a good one, Ace,” she said. “Don’t let her go.”

  I blinked at her. Her eyes fluttered closed, and a machine next to her started beeping. Andrew made a sobbing sound and nurses rushed in. They ushered us out, insisting we leave the room. I wanted to stay. I couldn’t just leave her, but Andrew grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the room. Doctors and nurses rushed past us and into her room, the door swinging shut every time, and we were out here, not knowing what was going on.

  “She’ll be fine,” Andrew said again. This time, I clung to his words as if they were the only thing that could pull me through. She had to be fine. I wasn’t ready to lose her.

  “I’m going to find a toilet,” Andrew said dully. I knew he was going to find somewhere to be alone, and I let him go. It was how he dealt with pain. I sat down on one of the plastic chairs again and dropped my head into my hands. My mom’s words echoed in my mind. You’re so much more than you allow yourself to believe. Those words meant so much to me. But what had she meant when she’d said I’d found a good one?

  Was she talking about Vanessa? I couldn’t imagine she was, she knew nothing about the night we’d had, and Vanessa and I were only friends. I didn’t know what she’d meant, and I wanted desperately to understand it. If those were her last words to me, I wanted to know what she was saying. It had been very precise; she hadn’t been rambling.

  I looked up at the door. She was in there with nurses and doctors who were trying to pull her through, to save her life. I couldn’t walk in there and ask her what she meant.

  A part of me wished I’d never gone away to study. I had missed out on the last four years with her, years that Andrew had with her. If I’d only stayed home instead of running away, I would have had that time with her. I had wanted nothing to do with the ranch after my dad had died, and in leaving, I had left everyone that was important to me behind.

  The only thing I could be relieved about now was that I had come back before this had happened, that she hadn’t passed away while I’d been away.

  That would have killed me; I would never have forgiven myself.

  So much ran through my mind. What was going to happen to the ranch now? Had my mom drawn up a will? I didn’t know what was going to happen, didn’t know if she was going to die, and the uncertainty was the worst of all.

  It took a long time before the doctors finally emerged from her room to inform us that my mom was stable again. Andrew had returned from the restroom with eyes that were red-rimmed and swollen. I had stayed at my post all the time, and I had to go to the restroom now to relieve myself. I hadn’t wanted to leave until I knew that she was alright or that she was gone.

  “You can go home,” the doctor said. “She’s in good hands, and there’s nothing you can do for tonight. Tomorrow, if she’s still stable, we’ll be able to move her to a normal room, and you’ll be able to see her more.”

  Andrew and I both nodded, and the doctor left. We looked at each other. We didn’t have to speak to known that neither of us was going home, that we would both stay the night.

  “I’ll call Alana,” Andrew said, getting up. I nodded. He had to let her know what was going on, but he also had to arrange for her to manage the ranch and the extra workers. I walked through the corridors to where I’d left Vanessa and found her on the edge of her seat, worried. She jumped up the moment she saw me.

  “She’s stable, for now,” I said.

  Vanessa sagged with relief, and I hugged her. We walked back to the chairs and sat down. She took my hand in both of hers, and we sat for a while in silence.

  “I want to thank you,” I said. “You’ve been an angel. If you weren’t there when my mom collapsed, we might have lost her.”

  “Of course, I’m so glad she’s safe,” Vanessa said.

  “And thank you for being here with us. Your support means so much.”

  She nodded again. “I wish I could do more.”

  I nodded and sighed. She was doing everything she could, but I wished there was something more to be done, too. I wanted my mom to be okay. I wanted my life to go back to normal.

  We spent the night in the waiting room. After Andrew had called Alana, he joined us, and we took turns making coffee trips for each other or snoozing on the hard chairs. We barely slept through discomfort and worry, but I wanted to be here in case there was news about my mom.

  At 6 the next morning, the doctor found us. I sat up. Andrew jerked awake, and Vanessa stood closer.

  “We’ve moved her to a room of her own, and she seems to be stable enough,” the doctor said. “You’re welcome to spend time in her room now.”

  I let out a breath of relief. The news could have gone either way. “Thank you, doctor,” I said.

  The doctor shook his head. “Don’t thank me, yet. There is bad news.”

  My stomach dropped. “What is it?” I asked.

  “Did you know she stopped taking her medication?” he asked.

  I nodded. Andrew did, too. We’d all known. We had tried a few times to make her take it, but there was only so much we could do if she refused.

  “Well, because of it,” the doctor continued, “she’s in a very bad state. We’re doing what we can, but she’s regressed so badly there isn’t much we can do other than make her comfortable.”

  Andrew and I looked at each other. “Make her comfortable?” my brother asked.

  The doctor nodded. “She doesn’t have very long left, I’m afraid. Days, if we’re lucky.”

  My ears started ringing, and everything around me fell away. I couldn’t breathe. My mom was going to die in the next couple of days, and there was nothing I could do about it. Vanessa was hugging me. Andrew was crying outright now, not trying to hide it. But I was numb. Hearing that my mom was about to die had caused something to die inside me, already.

  Twenty

  Vanessa

  The boys weren’t coping well with the news. Jaclyn was very sick, she didn’t have much time left, and Andrew and Ace were suffering.

  I wished there was something I could do to ease their pain. Their family was so close it was devastating that one of them—another one, in fact—would be ripped away from them. But life was cruel sometimes, and the only thing any of us could do was to pull through the best way we could.

  By mid-morning, I was dead on my feet, but they needed me, and I would here be for as long as they did. We were all still in our dirty working clothes from yesterday.

  “Let me go to the house and get you some clothes,” I offered. “I’ll grab something while you stay here with your mom.”

  “Are you sure?” Ace asked.

  I nodded. “It’s the least I can do.”

&nbs
p; Ace pulled me against him. He seemed to need a lot of reassurance physically lately. I didn’t blame him. I nodded and left Jaclyn’s room, navigating the maze of corridors until I found the exit. I drove the truck we’d come in back to the ranch.

  When I parked, everything looked normal. There were workers in the fields, Jose tending to the vegetable garden, and it didn’t seem like something horrific had happened, like the boys’ world had just been turned on its head.

  I walked to the bunkhouse, took a quick shower, and packed a bag with a change of clothes for a few days, a hairbrush, and some makeup. I walked into the house and found Ace’s room. I hadn’t been in it before, and it felt intrusive to be in there. I went through Ace’s drawers and found clothes and underwear, packing it into a University of Texas bag. I found deodorant as well as socks and shoes

  After going through Ace’s things, I walked to Andrew’s room and did the same. I doubted the men would come home until Jaclyn did. If she did.

  I didn’t want to think about it too much.

  When I walked out of the rooms with all the bags I’d packed, Lance stood in the kitchen.

  “Oh, hi,” I said. “Were they expecting you?”

  Lance shook his head. “Nothing like that. Alana phoned and told me the news. I’m here to help out. She can’t handle the ranch all by herself.”

  I smiled. “You’re a saint, Lance, thank you.”

  He shrugged. “It’s family. It’s what we do for each other.”

  I nodded, and I wanted to cry. Everyone around here cared so much for each other, and every single time it caught me off guard. “I’ll keep you up to date with what’s happening. They’ve stabilized her, but she only has days left.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I was so sad that we were losing her. I had found somewhere I belonged, and I felt like my world was shattering. I hadn’t been able to fall apart at the hospital. I’d wanted to be strong for Andrew and Ace. But it was hard for me, too.