by Mia Brown
“So, what’s her favorite color? That’s always a good way to tell something about a person.”
“Yellow.” I surprised myself by being able to answer that one so easily. “She loves summer too.”
“Okay, okay, so she likes upbeat and bright things. That’s always good to know. What about food?”
“Peaches.” Again, I knew it. I didn’t even have to lie. I knew Emily better than I thought.”
“Song? What’s her favorite type of music and song?”
I thought about her crooning along to a lovely country singer in the shower the other day, after which she told me that it was a record that her parents always used to play and dance to when she was a kid.
“Country, obviously. We have that in common, and All Mine by Amy Fowel.”
“Hmm good choice.” Kenzie and Jeff exchanged another impressed look and I felt myself swelling with pride as if this was my actual girlfriend and she was seriously going to meet and have fun with my friends. “Movie?”
“Ah, she likes a lot of Japanese Horror, so I guess that’s something I will have to get used to. She was trying to get me to watch the one about the headless girl ghost, but it freaked me the hell out… which was annoying because you know… I’m a real man and all that. It didn’t do much for my image.”
“Not every girl is going to enjoy action movies or westerns… she sounds like a keeper, especially if she didn’t laugh at your panic at the movie, and I’m amazed at how much you have listened to her. You barely listen to me and Jeff! I think this might actually be the real deal, true love.”
A heat crept up through my body, so I had no choice but to scoff. “Love? No way, don’t be crazy, Kenzie.”
“Of course you’re in love. Look at you, it’s written all over your face. Real love can’t be faked.”
For one horrible moment, I wondered if she knew the truth and she was trying to drag it out of me. It made me wish that I had just been honest and upfront from the beginning because then I wouldn’t have to explain myself now. My oldest friends weren’t going to be impressed that I hadn’t been honest…
“Why don’t you just admit it to yourself, Alex?” Kenzie continued, shattering my fears for me. “There is nothing wrong with being in love. What the hell are you worried about? People fall in love every day.”
“That I’m in love? No way, that’s chick talk.” I had to dismiss her, to try and shut her up.
“So, guys don’t fall in love then, huh? It’s all just a lie? Are you serious?”
“Just leave it out, Kenzie.” I was growing increasingly uncomfortable by the moment. “It just isn’t like that.”
“I’m a chick.” Kenzie folded her arms across her chest and stared at me defiantly. “And I know love when I see it. So, you might as well give it up now because it’s all over you. You love Emily Mason.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, I didn’t have the words. Mostly because there was something about the sentence ‘you love Emily Mason’ which really struck me. I wanted to believe that it was just the blurred lines, but I knew that it had to be more. I had opened up to her about Cassie and I never ever did that. Not to anyone. She had to be special in some real way for that to happen in such a natural way. Emily Mason was certainly special, and I did miss her.
“You achieved your goal anyway, buddy,” Jeff piped in, trying to throw me a bone to make it easier. “You came back with a super hot girlfriend. I didn’t believe in you, but you did it. So, maybe you can win the championships as well. From what I have heard, all the buzz is about you, isn’t it? So, that’s good news.”
Pride swelled through me, I was happy to have gotten as far as I had. I wasn’t going to stop obviously, I wanted to keep going and doing more and more, but for now, I was happy with my performance.
“We will have a great time when I come back having won. Just you wait and see.”
“Bring Emily with you if you do. In all seriousness, we do want to meet her.”
As I flickered my eyes between my oldest friends, I wondered if they knew more about me than I did about myself. I wasn’t even really certain what love was, I didn’t have anything to compare these feelings too. Perhaps Kenzie understood my heart better than I did and she could see that a big chunk of it belonged to Emily.
As I always did when things got a bit overwhelming, I wondered what it would be like if the accident never happened and Cassie was here. What would she be like now? What advice would she give me? It never really helped because of course I couldn’t ever really know, but it was a little comforting to think that maybe somewhere she was looking down on me. I didn’t want her to be forgotten about, to vanish in to nothingness, so it was nice to keep her alive in just this littlest way. I was sure that she would have been able to give me advice about Emily but I had the sense that she would tell me to snap her up already, that I would never get a girl like her again, and that if I used my commitment issues as an excuse not to be with her then I would regret it forever.
But that didn’t mean I was going to be smart and start following my own advice. Knowing me, I would continue to ponder over it for a little while longer before eventually letting her slide away.
Twenty
Emily (a month later, early August)
“Rebecca!” I called out in a gleeful sing song tone of voice as I answered the phone. “How are you?”
I had been in a good mood for far too long now. If I looked back and really studied things, it was ever since Alex came in to my life. But since that was hard to get my head around, I pushed it to one side and just enjoyed the joy.
“Hey, hey, my little super star. How are things with you? Very good I imagine, with that hot piece of ass on your arm. Wow wee, he is one hunky cowboy, isn’t he? I keep thinking I need to get myself to a rodeo.”
I tossed my head back and laughed, knowing that Rebecca was right. He truly was gorgeous. So good looking that I had been spending many a hot summer night in bed alone dreaming about him…
“So, it seems that your recent press attention has been going well.”
“Yes! Did you see my interview in the magazine about me and Alex?”
“Oh, I think everyone saw it. It’s created quite a stir.” I did suggest that things were incredibly hot and heavy between us without actually lying out right or giving anything away. “And I have had some calls about work.”
I pressed the phone harder to my ear, excitement building. “You did? Oh my god, what is it?”
“An edgy swim wear shoot for the Redness brand.” My heart almost stopped beating completely. That was a dream job which all the top models got. How the hell had I managed to pull that one off. “Which is incredible, isn’t it? I almost said yes right away on your behalf, but I thought that I better check t with you first.”
“Yes, yes, oh my god, of course, yes!” I was getting carried away with myself, I couldn’t help it.
“Well, hold on, wait a moment. There are a few things that I would like to run passed you first…”
“I can’t imagine there is anything that you will say to put me off this job.”
She chuckled before continuing. “Well, much as I enjoy your enthusiasm, I want to say that first off, it will be early in the new year, so not right away. These things book models with full calendars, which is why they need to get in quick because it will take a major time commitment and will involve a lot of traveling.”
“All of that sounds very positive to me. I am happy with all those things.”
“You’ll be away for shoots in many different locals. Some hot and exotic. Some less so. For instance, one of the shoots is in Antarctica, which may well put you off. The idea of being in a bikini in the snow.”
“No, that’s fine. I will do anything. You know me, I’m happy for the job.”
“But…” Rebecca sounded hesitant. “I just want you to consider your love life before you fully consider this. Because you will be away a lot and your cowboy won’t be able to be on the shoots.”
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“Oh right.” The relationship was fake and could even be coming to an end by then if we didn’t need one another anymore, but it still felt weird to consider months without Alex in my life. Then again, it could also be the distraction that I needed to help me to over come losing Alex. It was going to be a big hole to fill. “Well, Alex has his own career anyway,” I finally continued. “So, I’m not too worried about that. I still want to work for Redness.”
God that was such an awesome opportunity. Much as I wanted to stick around Alex, I would have been mental to turn it down. The idea of me gracing the magazines and the billboards in a Redness bikini was everything. They even did television adverts, so there would be a chance to appear in one of those as well.
“Great, well I will get it all booked in then, block out your diary. I also have some other companies wanting you, but since they aren’t for such massive sections of time, I will simply follow the usual protocol of emailing you and updating your schedule when you agree. Does that sound okay to you, Emily?”
“Yes, that sounds absolutely fine.” I felt deflated and I wasn’t sure why. This was supposed to be good news!
“Great. Everything that you have been doing since you started dating Alex has been absolutely perfect, Emily. I am so happy for you. I can tell you one thing for sure, no one is calling you the Modeling Nun anymore. They all know that there must be something really special about you to keep a man like him. He’s wild, huh?”
I thought about his kind eyes as he told the children at the hospital stories, the sadness that over came him as he revealed all about his sister, the way that he treated me like a true gentleman should. I didn’t see him in the same way that the rest of the world did. He wasn’t wild to me. Just my Alex. The soft kind hearted soul.
Only, he wasn’t my Alex, was he? And that seemed to be what was making me feel all sad.
“Yep, he sure is a wild one,” I lied. “Keeps me on my toes, that’s for sure!”
She laughed and we made small talk for a little while longer, talking about nothing in particular so she didn’t exactly need my brain power. That was the moment I worked out that it had absolutely no relevance what I did in the early months of next year because me and Alex would have long separated by then. We agreed six months, just while the bull riding championships was on, enough time to give us a much needed boost… and that ended in November. It was already August. The end was coming up much too quickly for my liking.
What the hell is wrong with me? I thought sadly as I hung up the phone. Why am I all sad like this?
It would be fine, we would both survive easily. It wasn’t even like we saw one another every single day now, and we could still talk and be friends. It wouldn’t be any different. Only that he could date whoever he wanted, whether I liked it or not. But if I was all over the world shooting for Redness then I probably wouldn’t notice anyway.
“It will be okay,” I did my best to reassure myself. “It will be fine. It will…”
But the pep talk wasn’t working out for me and the urge to call him was getting stronger by the moment. I wanted to share this news and I knew tat he would want to hear it as well. Alex would be genuinely happy to hear that I had this contract coming my way and that everything we were doing together was working… but if I started to call him every time that I had something to share then our friendship would take on a whole new level.
No, I did want to share my news, but I couldn’t with him. On a whim, I dialed a number that I hadn’t in a while.
“Hello?” the voice on the other end of the phone snapped. “Who is this?”
“Oh, sorry, is this not a good time?” I gulped, the nerves starting to get the better of me. This was why I didn’t make phone calls on a whim. They never turned out well for me. “I can call back later.”
“I said who is this?” she snapped again, like she was plunging a knife in to my heart.
“Mom, it’s me.” She said nothing. Probably on purpose. “It’s Emily.”
“Emily? I would say who the fuck is Emily but then you’ll start bitching at me.”
Everything inside of me sunk. All I wanted to do was hang up the phone and forget this ever happened, but I knew that I just wouldn’t be able to forget it so there wasn’t any point. I had opened the flood gates now, it was hard to just slam them shut again without a bit of me seeping out in the process.
“Mom, I have some good news. I just wanted to share it with you.”
“Ah, called to gloat. I see. Fucked off to the city and now only call to gloat.”
“Mom! I am not like that. Don’t act like I’m something I’m not. I want to talk to you. I would call you every singe day if you weren’t so difficult to talk to…” Oops, I probably shouldn’t have let those words out.
“Difficult? Me? Oh, you always were a stuck up little bitch, weren’t you?”
I hung my head low, tears seeping out of my eyes as I did. All the memories of my life came flooding back all in one go. The reason I couldn’t wait to get out of my small town, the reason I wants success so bad so that I never had to go back, the reason I didn’t party, and I preferred working with the children at the hospital was because I grew up wit a drug addict, manipulative mother. She always hid it well enough, so I didn’t end up in the care system, but she managed to make my life a living hell constantly. Aside from when she was clean… during those periods, she was the nicest person in the world, the mother who wasn’t the best but always tried, a person I actually liked. It was because of that version of her I never gave up. I would always make this call, just to be let down.
“I’m not being stuck up, I’m just… just trying to tell you that I’m doing well. I’ve been booked on a photo shoot that will take me all over the world. I thought that you might be excited for me.”
“Excited for what? You messing around with a camera and your tits hanging out?”
“Never like that, Mom. I don’t do glamor work.”
“Sam shit. You are still acting like a whore for money as far as I’m concerned. You have been a whore ever since you walked out on me and Texas and you can’t go back to who you were before. It’s too late for that.”
“Mom, you can’t honestly expect me to stay? Of course I didn’t want to stick around. You have always picked drugs over me and it sounds like you are doing so again. Judging by the way that you’re talking to me, I’m going to guess that it’s meth. Am I right? You see, I’m so used to this from you, I can tell what you are on.”
“Oh, you think you’re so fucking smart, don’t you?” she sneered, completely disregarding my question as always. “Well, my life is none of your business so you might want to forget about asking me that.”
The more evasive that she was, the more she was doing. But I couldn’t worry about her, I couldn’t help because she didn’t want it. I had spent far too much time and effort already just to have it all thrown back in my face. After some therapy a few years back, I had come to the conclusion that I needed to wait until she came to me. Until she was ready once and for all. There was nothing else that I could do.
As she hung up the phone abruptly, the deflated feeling from before became one of being crushed under a giant weight. This was the real reason I didn’t let anyone in, I didn’t want to get too close, I wouldn’t lose my virginity. Because I had been forced to learn from a very young age that no one could be trusted, and that even the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally would betray you in the end.
Twenty-One
Alex (a month later, mid September)
I narrowed my eyes watching from the side lines as the crowd went wild. Bullocalypse Now always gained this sort of excitement because it was one of the most intense events around. With a ninety seven percent buck off chance, not many people could survive it. Always a crowd pleaser obviously. But for me, today was even more intense because a lot of my future rode upon it. If I placed first, I was all but guaranteed a place in the world championships.
I sque
ezed my fists together to try and keep the nerves inside. There was no point in me getting all worked up about it right now or I’d fuck up. Nerves were what killed me the last time I nearly got this far. I got all in my head and fucked up, so I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. Not a chance in hell. I had to keep strong.
As I scanned my eyes over all the blank, cheering faces staring back at me, I knew that only one would stand out. There would only be one set of eyes that I could see, and I needed her to calm me down. She had become my real life good luck charm, and if I didn’t see her then I knew that I would fall apart.
Ah, there she was. As soon as I caught Emily’s eyes, my heart skipped about ten beats. God, she was beautiful. I’d been spending a lot of time with her, but every so often I caught a glimpse of her that almost knocked me off my feet. Those wisps of blonde hair, her pale eyes, her bright smile that shone through the stadium. She stood out no matter how many people surrounded her. I honestly wasn’t sure how she wasn’t on top of the modeling world, whatever her reputation might be. What did it matter if she was innocent? She was so stunning.
She lifted her hand to wave to me, and as soon as she did the rest of the crowd melted away in to nothingness. This was why she had become my lucky charm. It felt like I was riding just for her, and that was enough. Her warmth in her eyes, in her smile, the confidence that she gave me was absolutely everything. I wasn’t even sure she knew how much I needed her, how much I wasn’t going to be able to cope when she was out of my life. I barely even wanted to think about it. It was hard to imagine how life would be when I was back on my own.
You are falling for her, my brain warned me. You’re going to end up in love with her in a moment.
It didn’t matter how many times I told myself that I didn’t do love, when she was in my eye line, a large part of me knew differently. I was on a roller coaster and I couldn’t seem to get off.
