by Mia Brown
“Wow, he seems so nice,” Ruby commented. “He isn’t arrogant at all.”
“You’ve seen the reports on him, huh?” I replied dryly.
“I knew that you were dating this guy, I had to check up everything about him.” She shrugged. “I wasn’t too impressed with everything that I have read about him but watching him now he seems really decent.”
“The fans are great,” Alex continued on the screen. “They have been such a great support system. None of us would be able to get very far without their cheers and support. They are the best. The other riders are great as well. We have a great friendship behind the scenes, when we aren’t ribbing on one another.”
The interviewer laughed on screen and Ruby did off. I was too stiff to make any kind of noise. My spine was straight as a pole and my limbs around it stuck. Somehow, watching Alex on the television screen while sitting in Ruby’s hair salon, combining my two lives without really being honest in either of them, was too much to handle. It was harder than talking to his face and knowing that it would all be over soon.
“My only regret is that Emily isn’t here.” Alex’s face fell ever so slightly. I narrowed my eyes, trying to work out if this was genuine or a cynical move to make it look more real. “I would have loved for her to see me win. She would be up in the crowds, cheering for me to win louder than everyone else.” My heart had stopped completely. I wasn’t sure what this even was. “But she’s off modeling, pursuing her own career, so I can’t be too mad.” He got a glazed over look in his eyes, like he wasn’t really in the stadium anymore. “I love her,” he suddenly blurted out. “Emily Mason is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know what I would do without her.”
I’d become a block of ice. My blood was freezing cold. How could he say all of that when he knew that it wasn’t real? Was he milking things or what? What the hell would he make such a dramatic speech about us when he knew that we were going to have to end things soon enough? He should have made it more like we were fizzling out to make it more of a natural thing. I wanted to strangle him for making it so complicated.
“Oh wow, he’s such a sweet heart.,” Ruby cooed. “Wow, you are so lucky. He’s even better than I thought. Wow, no wonder you are head over heels, girl. And you tried to tell me that it wasn’t serious! Honestly. The poor boy is in love and I’m very sure that you love him just as much. You two need to get hitched already.”
I couldn’t even laugh at the joke. It was too much for me. I’d agreed to go to Alex’s home town before we went our separate ways, but now I wasn’t sure that I could follow that through. Anything that we did to make this more serious, to delve deeper in to one another’s lives wasn’t good. If I met his friends and saw his existence, then where would we end up? This was already going to end in tears, there was no escaping it. I wasn’t sure how long I’d cry as it was, sliding in to his life, experiencing it all. It was too much.
If I didn’t have dye n my hair I would have run for the hills before Ruby asked me anymore questions that I didn’t know how to answer.
Twenty-Five
Alex (a week later, mid November)
“Fuck me, Alex, this place is actually tidy,” Jeff laughed as he paced my apartment. “In all the time that I have known you, I haven’t seen it like this. Are you expecting the queen of England to come around or something?”
“Emily… which is so much worse.” I straightened the cushions on the couch yet again. “And that’s exactly why you need to get out of here. I can’t have your muddy boots fucking up my home.”
Jeff rolled his eyes. “Wow, you really must love this chick. You’ve always been muddier than me.” He went over to the front door ad kicked off his foot wear, which definitely wasn’t leaving like I asked him to do. “So, what time does she get here? How long is she staying? And when will me and Kenzie get to meet her?”
I checked my watch. “I’m headed to the airport soon to pick her up. She’s staying for four days before her next modeling shoot, and I don’t know when you will get to meet her. When I decide.”
“You mean when you can drag your sorry asses out of bed,” Jeff cackled.
The funny thing was even after I declared my love to her, she wouldn’t have sex with me. I wasn’t going to know what she was like in the sack until our wedding day… and that didn’t scare me as much anymore. The last six months had been intense and powerful, they had shaken me to the core and made me see things from a totally new perspective. Sex used to be all that I wanted from a woman. Anything deeper made my walls shoot up around me. Then the one woman that I couldn’t sleep with was the one person who had managed to tear me down and let me see that falling for someone, being with one person for the rest of my life… well, it wasn’t something to be feared.
I pushed so many women away, I never wanted to give them a chance, and with Emily I didn’t have a choice. That worked out well because it forced me to really know her and fall for her.
“Something like that,” I replied evasively. “Of course I want her to meet the pair of you. She will have to get to know you and Kenzie, but I want to just be alone with her for a while first.”
I needed to really spill my guts, to tell her what I realized at the world championship when I won and all that I could think about was her. It wasn’t fake for me anymore. It probably never really was. I was in love at long last.
“Right, right.” Jeff held up his hands in a surrendering gesture. “I see. I get the hint. I will go. You have fun with Emily but don’t forget about me and Kenzie as you do. I’m going to take this six pack home and hope that it’s the best damn beer that I have ever tasted in my whole damn life. Seriously. You owe me good beer!”
“I bet it will be.” I grinned. “Let me know, okay? But in the next few days.”
As he left, I scanned my eyes over the apartment, checking one more time that everything was okay. It seemed good. Not wonderful enough for Emily, of course, but nothing ever would be. She deserved a fucking palace. I hoped that one day, I would be able to offer her that. If my career kept going in the direction that it was then I would. Or something close anyway. With my winnings and the new sponsorship deals that I was being offered every single day, I was on the up. It was incredibly exciting, and I had Emily to thank for it.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I smiled as I saw Emily’s name on the screen, before I panicked, thinking that I was late to pick her up from the airport. I had been so careful but maybe I got lost somewhere along the way.
“Hello, Emily? Is everything alright? Sorry, I’m just on my way…”
My excitement levels built up. Soon, she would be in my arms. Soon, I would be able to hold her, to tell her about my feeling. They were on the brink of everything, ready to spill out at any given moment.
“No, no, Alex, I… I didn’t get on the plane.”
“What?” I stopped and almost dropped my phone. “What do you mean? Did you miss it or something? I can always book another for you if that’s the case. I’m sure there is another one some time soon.”
“No, Alex, listen to me.” There was so much regret in her voice I could hardly stand it. “I don’t think that I can come to Wyoming. I can’t see you again. We can’t keep up this fake relationship. It’s too much.”
“Err…” What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I didn’t want it to be fake any longer. That was why she was supposed to come so we could talk face to face about it. It definitely wasn’t a phone conversation.
“We were supposed to break up after you won the world championship, and that’s over now. I’m not saying that we need to do some big break up thing. That will be too hard, but just carry on our own way and eventually say that our schedules got too much so we don’t see each other again.”
“No, wait, Emily, I don’t understand what is going on here, this is crazy.”
“Alex, I think you understand what I’m trying to say to you. This is… you know, it’s the decision that I’v
e made and I’m going to stick with it. We can’t… this isn’t something that we can keep up forever anyway, is it?”
She wasn’t certain, there was still time for me to change her mind. I just needed to work out how to do it.
“We can still hang out, can’t we?” I chuckled such a fake sounding noise. “Have a good time? I don’t see why we can’t make that happen. It doesn’t have to be all formal and stressful, does it? It doesn’t need to be a big thing?”
“I can’t, Alex,” she shot back harshly, in a nastier tone than I had ever heard come out of her mouth before. “I can’t see you again, and I don’t think it’s a good idea that we even speak. A clean break is best.”
“But what about the circus? I promised that I would take you…”
“I never expected you to keep that promise. It was just one of those things that you said, nothing more.”
“No, it wasn’t.” That hurt, more than it probably should have done. “I meant it. I didn’t lie to you, Emily, and I’m not going to lie to you now.” I sucked in a deep breath, preparing myself to just say everything that I needed to… but the words didn’t quite come out. All of a sudden, I realized how little I wanted to make a fool of myself. If she really was done here, then I didn’t want to make it incredibly awkward or anything like that. “I want us to keep spending time together. I think that we have had fun. We could keep doing that.”
“We can’t.” She cut me off sharply. “Not anymore. I have been offered some amazing jobs, including the Redness campaign which will take me all around the world. I won’t have time t maintain a friendship. I won’t even have time to text you, never mind anything else. It just can’t work out, can it?”
“Why…” I gulped thickly. “Why didn’t you tell me about that?”
“Because it came after our deal. I didn’t think that it was necessary to do so.”
Wow, so that meant that she was out of this way before I was. I was naively planning a future with her in the back of my mind, telling the world that I loved her on ESPN, thank goodness it didn’t seem like she saw that. She hadn’t mentioned it anyway, and she was already checking out, planning her worldwide trip without me.
“So, we really are done here?” I asked quietly. I wasn’t telling her that I loved her, but she probably guessed as much from my reaction. “This is over between me and you? No more… friendship or whatever?”
“I just can’t have any distractions, Alex. And I don’t think that you will need them either. You’re going to be in demand, and you aren’t going to want to worry about me. There are so many opportunities going to come your way, because let’s face it, our plan worked.” She cackled with fake laughter. “We got what we wanted. You are now the guy with he hearty of gold who can also win the worldwide bull riding championships, and I’m the model with an edge. I’m the model of the moment actually. Everyone seems to want a piece of me, which is… well, you know…”
“What you wanted,” I replied sadly. “I know and I am very happy for you.”
“Right.” She sounded relieved, like she was glad that I was finally getting it. “And I’m grateful to you. You really helped me to get what I want, and I hope that I could do the same for you. I hope you get everything you want and more because you deserve it. Especially since you couldn’t sleep with anyone for six months. I know that must have been really hard for you, so I appreciate you sticking to your end of the bargain.”
“Yeah well, I…” I wanted to keep a chipper attitude so she couldn’t see how hurt I was, but I couldn’t make it happen. “It wasn’t that bad really. We managed to have a… a good time in the end, didn’t we?”
I wasn’t even talking about the one sexual thing that happened between us but that was probably how it came across. There was certainly an intense quiet from her end of the phone anyway. I hated myself for it. I wished that I could take the words back and think of something much less stupid to say.
“So, erm, yeah, I don’t think there is anything else that we need to say, is there? That’s… you know. It is what it is. Thank you for everything that you have done for me. I guess we might… our paths might cross. So, I guess I might get to see you soon? Or not soon but at some point. You know. So, good luck.”
“Good luck?” I couldn’t believe that was how she wanted to leave it.
“Yeah, thank you, I appreciate that. Goodbye, Alex. It was… well, you know how it was. There are no words.”
Every part of me died as she hung up the phone, ending our conversation for me. It no longer mattered that I had won the world championship in bull riding anymore. I felt like I was absolutely nothing. She had taken everything from me, stripped me down bare, and left me raw and exposed on the floor. I had nothing of myself left at all.
That’s really it, I told myself sadly, trying to fight back tears. It’s done. Time to…
But I didn’t know how to finish that sentence because I wasn’t sure what to do next. I hadn’t planned for the next part. I just wanted Emily to come here, for me to tell her how I felt. At least if I had got the words out, I would know that I’d been rejected, I would have gotten it off my chest, but now it would remain inside forever.
“This is why you don’t fall in love, Alex Fancy,” I told myself crossly. “Nothing good can come from it. It’s time to go back to never committing to anyone. That is so much easier… even if it sounds hollow.”
Twenty-Six
Emily (a month later, mid December)
“You are so tanned for December!” Ruby declared as I poured her yet another glass of wine. “I’m so jealous. You will look all fabulous and sun kissed for the Christmas party season. Everyone will want to know all about what you’ve been up to and how life jet setting to the Caribbean and other exotic places is.”
I laughed agreeably. “I know. I always used to be jealous of the people with winter tans before, and now I am one! Who would have ever thought it? Today, I’m absolutely freezing in a jumper and just last week I was strutting around in a bikini for a photo shoot. They did say it was unusually hot for the winter time, but still it’s like a dream come true. What I wouldn’t give to pack everything up and just live over there…”
But Ruby wasn’t about to allow me to go all glazed over and dreamy eyed about my last adventure. She hadn’t seen me for a while, and she wanted to catch up on everything that was going on.
“So, you’d be able to do that, would you? Just pack up and leave? Leave me behind.”
“Nah, I’d take my beautiful hairdresser with me, obviously.” I shot her a wink. “Or my hair would be a mess.”
“And what about… other people?” Her careful tone gave me a clue as to who she was talking about, but I chose not to get sucked in to what she wanted me to say. “Isn’t there anyone else you would like to bring?”
I pretended to think for a moment. “No way. You’re the only person that I like enough to bring with me. I have met a couple of nice models while out on shoots, but no one to match up to my Ruby.”
“So, no guys then?” Christ, why wouldn’t she just let it go already. “No sports men?”
My expression glowered as I sunk some more wine. I was doing just fine when I was around the world, not thinking about Alex at all. It was almost like I wasn’t heart broken at all. But back here, with Ruby speaking about him to me… well it made it damn near impossible. My insides shattered like glass.
“No sports man, Ruby. You know that I ended things, and you know that I didn’t have a choice.”
“You’ve told me that you didn’t have a choice, but I don’t think I get it. One minute, Alex is on the TV screen telling the world that he’s in love with you and you were planning a trip to his home town… the next you ‘had’ to break up with him. I don’t get it, it doesn’t make a scrap of sense to me.”
“I’m too busy. He’s too busy. There’s no way that we can make time for one another.”
“No.” Ruby shook her head determinedly. “No way. I know that’s your excuse, but
I’m not buying it any longer. There’s more. There has to be, and honestly, I can’t help you unless you tell me what it is.”
Still hadn’t told her and I didn’t think that I was going to. But now with a bit of alcohol floating around in my system and an intense need to get some closure rather than to continually blow passed it as if it wasn’t happening, I felt my lips loosening, my tongue gearing itself up to finally get some honest advice from my friend.
“Okay, look, it was more than that, I will tell you, but please understand that there are many reasons I wasn’t completely truthful before. It wasn’t just me who could get hurt by it.” Ruby didn’t answer. Instead she gave me a look like she wasn’t quite sure what I had gotten myself in to. Well, she was about to find out! “Me and Alex weren’t together. Not really, it wasn’t a real relationship. Just a showmance thing to help us both.”
“Help you, why?” Ruby tapped her chin. “You know, I did think that it was an odd couple to begin with…”
“Well, as you know, I needed to see more edgy, less like a virgin to make some brands touch me… which I now must have done because I have these amazing jobs, including the Redness campaign. And Alex was struggling to get sponsorship from different companies because he had this reputation as a bad boy and a loose cannon so they weren’t sure that they could trust him. By being seen with me for a few months, he seemed to settle down…”
“No, he did settle down. That much was obvious. He really calmed down. I mean, admittedly, I didn’t know him before, but he wasn’t a fuck boy through the competition, was he? And he wasn’t having sex with you…?”
I shook my head. “No, we didn’t have sex…”
“But something happened between you? I can already tell, so there’s no point in lying.”
“A couple of things might have happened, yes, but that was just us getting caught up in the moment. It didn’t mean anything. It was never real, so of course it didn’t mean anything to either of us.”
