by Mia Brown
“Well, that’s the biggest load of shit that I have ever heard, Emily. Who do you think you’re fooling?”
“What do you mean? I just told you the truth, Ruby. That’s what happened.”
“Oh, I have no doubt that’s how it started out. But to pretend that it ended with you two not caring about one another is utterly ridiculous. You two are head over heels. You think I can’t see how much it’s hurting you inside not to be in his life anymore? You think I don’t know when someone is telling the truth on TV?”
“We agreed six months, Ruby. Until the end of the bull riding world championships, and that’s what we did. It was never supposed to get complicated. Just a clean break so we can focus on our careers.”
“Emily, this all sounds like a load of crap to me. I get that’s how it was, but that isn’t how it is. You’re just purposely hurting yourself, him too, by pushing away someone that you clearly love.”
I rose from the couch and paced the room. I couldn’t sit beside Ruby and pretend that she wasn’t irritating me. Every word she spoke was like a dagger and I just didn’t need that right now. This was supposed to be a nice night, a relaxing evening with my friend after the stressful few days I had been through.
“Ruby, honestly, it isn’t what you think. It’s not like that. And even if it was and I did have feelings for the guy, then it wouldn’t change anything. I still don’t have time for him, so what does it matter?”
“That’s your fear of intimacy talking. You made time for him over the last six months.”
“Because I wasn’t so busy then!” Why wasn’t she getting this? It was driving me insane. “Now, I have all these jobs and it’s only going to get worse. I will get busier every single day, and that’s what I want. I’m a model first, Ruby, that’s how I have always been. Now that my dream is finally coming true, I don’t intend to forget all about it just for some guy. A cowboy who doesn’t fit in to my life now at all.”
I felt horrible as I said this, especially when Alex made such an effort to fit in at the fancy party and it was actually me who hadn’t made any effort to go to his home town and get to know his life, but I needed Ruby to stop.
“You have a fear of intimacy, Emily, that’s all. That is the reason you have decided not to lose your virginity until marriage, so you have a reason to push guys away because not many would wait. But now you have found someone who is willing to wait, and who waited for six months with no promise of a future whatsoever, and you’re still shoving him away. You can give all the excuses that you want, but it doesn’t fly. He doesn’t fit in to your life? How many rough neck sports men have model girlfriends? You’re traveling, and so is he? Who cares, you can make time. You’re scared that he doesn’t want to be with you forever? Well, to me it seems like he does.”
Tears balled up in my eyes. I didn’t like those words because they felt scarily close to the truth. I didn’t like to be told that I was to blame for the terrible way that I was feeling right now. It made it so much harder.
“Ruby, please, I don’t want to think about it anymore. It’s done. I just want to move on.”
“No, you don’t, Emily. You know you don’t. You’re just scared because of the way that your parents treated you your whole life, and I understand, I do… but you can’t allow them to control you forever. This is your one chance at happiness. On the outside, it might not initially seem it, but he is perfect for you.”
“He isn’t perfect. There are many reasons why he isn’t the guy for me.”
“Name some.” She cocked a knowing eyebrow at me. “And not bullshit reasons.”
“I…” I had no idea how to finish that sentence, it wasn’t a question that I was prepared for. Alex was all kinds of wrong for me on paper. He was nothing like the guy that I initially described to be my man, yet somehow, he was all that I ever wanted and more. That was why it was so hard to be without him.
“See? You want him. So, why not just call him up and ask him to be with you?”
I stared at my cell phone screen, almost considering it for a moment before I exploded. “Look, Ruby, when I told Alex that it was over, that I wasn’t coming to his home town, he didn’t fight it at all. It was pretty much just acceptance. He knew that we were coming to an end, just like I did. He didn’t try and keep us together and he hasn’t contacted me since. If he wanted us to be together then I would know about it…”
“Have you never heard of a thing called male pride?” She rolled her eyes. “Of course he hasn’t called you because you already rejected him once. He’s scared that the same will happen again if he tries.”
I didn’t have any words for that. I didn’t want to consider it. I couldn’t just call him now, it was too hard to even think about. Even after about eight more glasses of wine I didn’t think that I would be able to work up the courage.
“I don’t know, Ruby. I just think that too much time has passed now. I don’t want to go back really, I think that it’s best for the pair of us to keep going forward. If we push on, then we have a chance to just… be okay again.”
“And you think that you’ll be okay if you see him? It won’t hurt you?”
I knew that it would. It’d crush me completely, but I wasn’t going to make myself look weak by sharing that.
“I doubt our paths will cross again. We don’t exactly roll in the same circles. It will be fine.”
“Well, if this is your final decision, then I understand it,” Ruby sighed. “It doesn’t mean that I agree with it. I do think that you’ll be missing out a lot. But I will support you whatever you choose.”
That was enough for now. Not exactly what I wanted, but it would do. After all, going back wasn’t going to help me or Alex. We weren’t the same people that we were when we first met. We needed to grow.
Twenty-Seven
Alex (a month later, mid January, early evening)
Her face… even after two long months without her, Emily’s face had the power to stop my heart beating. Even though she wasn’t really in front of me and she was just on the small diner TV screen, I felt everything that we’d shared all at once. It was so overwhelming that I clasped the bottle of beer tighter in my hand.
“What’s this?” Kenzie asked me firmly as she handed me a plate of food that I didn’t order. “What are you watching? You never watch the entertainment news. What the hell is going on?”
As she watched for a couple of seconds, I knew that I didn’t have long before she would switch it off. The moment she realized that a fancy party was on the TV and Emily Mason was one off the guests, it’d be gone.
“Oh, what the hell are you doing to yourself?” she groaned as the only girl who had my heart was there… having the damn time of her life judging by her natural smile, not missing me one bit. “Since when do you care about Elite photo shoots for some bikini brand, Alex?” Kenzie pressed a lot of buttons on the remote. “Will you stop it already?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t put the channel on.” I shrugged and took another swing of beer. “It was just there.”
“Yeah, right I see.” She rolled her eyes. “Just a little bit of torture is nothing to you, huh?”
She sat beside me I the booth and nodded towards the plate. I wasn’t hungry, but I forced myself to take a bite to eat just to shut her up. She had taken it upon herself to act like my damn mother recently. It was so annoying.
“I’m fine, Kenzie. You don’t need to keep watching me like a freaking hawk.”
“Yes, I do, Alex. Of course I do. Me and Jeff are worried about you. You know that.”
“Well, you don’t need to be. I’m fine.” I shrugged. “I’ve been fine for as long as I can remember.”
“Yeah, right, of course you are. You’re just acting all morose and heart broken for fun then?”
“I’m not acting like anything.” I forced some more food in to my gob, just to make a point. “I’m fine.”
“We know you aren’t.” Kenzie rested her hand over mine in a sweet loving
gesture. I knew that she wasn’t really trying to bug me. She cared about me and she just wanted me to be alright again. I suppose I didn’t need to keep pushing her away. “We just want to help you, that’s all. You need to let us in.”
“You know, me and Emily didn’t even sleep together.” I let out a weird chuckling sound. “So, I can’t really be all butt hurt about it, can I? I should just… find a way to move on already.”
“Wait a minute.” Kenzie held up her hands in a surrendering gesture. “You didn’t have sex with Emily?”
I shook my head sadly. “No, I didn’t. She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage, so it never happened.”
“Fucking hell, and how long were you together? About half a year? How did you manage it?”
I smiled a little, but more to myself than anyone else. “You know, I thought it would be hard, but it wasn’t.”
“You must really love her. Christ. I didn’t think you could go a whole day without it.”
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t find the strength to do so. None of this was funny. Every single day I missed her more and more. Every day I wished that she could be back in my life, even if we weren’t having sex…
“You need to get laid.” Kenzie banged her fists on the table angrily. “That will help you get over this mess.”
“You think so?” I gave her a curious look. It wasn’t like Kenzie to advocate a one night stand.
“Yes, I do. I think that’s why you’re so cut up about being dumped…”
“About the break up,” I interjected. “Let’s not make this worse than it already is.”
“Okay, the break up then. I think you have spent so long without having sex that you have fallen deeper than maybe you should have done. I think you need to find a fling to help you to recover.”
“Are you offering?” She actually might have been, and it might be the first time I actually went with that. As long as we set down some ground rules and we didn’t fuck up our friendship along the way…
“No, I’m not offering.” Kenzie smacked me on the arm. “Don’t be so ridiculous. But you don’t need me. You just need to find someone that you like enough for fun and get over Emily that way. It isn’t healthy to sit in here, day drinking and barely eating, not focusing on the future that you could have right now.”
“I’ve been focused on work,” I protested. “And I don’t day drink all the time…”
“No, maybe not. But you’re dangerously close to falling back in to bad habits which will only un do all the hard work that you put in this summer. The sponsors will back off from you again.”
“I know.” My eyes hit the floor. “Why do you always have to be so right, Kenzie?”
She rubbed my hair playfully. “When will you learn that everything I say is right all the time? One day, you’ll see. You just need to let go of the need for control all the time. That’s your issue.”
Before I could start a debate and get in to an unnecessary argument with Kenzie, another patron in the diner called ger over to place and order, so I was left alone with Kenzie’s thoughts to stew over. I’d been forced to take a step back when it came to Emily because she was the one who had all the control. She ended things, so if she wanted to come back to me then I had to leave it up to her. But she wasn’t calling me, she was done with me. I really did have to start moving on. It wasn’t going to happen, so moping wouldn’t help me.
Fucking hell, I really was brooding, moping, and being morose. Kenzie was right. I was doing everything that was required of me, but my head wasn’t really in the game as I was there. If I didn’t keep up the momentum, I would lose it, and the summer would have all been for nothing. I couldn’t give everything up.
“Kenzie…” I forced a giant smile on my face as she returned to my table to check in on me again. “I’m ready.”
“Ready for what? Is there a reason you’re being all cryptic with me?”
“I’m ready to keep my promise to you.”
She narrowed her eyes and shook her head. “Nope, I’m still not getting it.”
“I promised to take you out to a fancy party if I won the world championships, and I have so I will.”
“Ooh, really?” Her eyes lit up with excitement. “That sounds good. What party are you thinking?”
“Well, I’ve been invited to a few, but there is one which intrigues me the most. Do you remember that Hollywood guy that I told you about who falsely promised to make a movie of my life?” She nodded. “Well, it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, obviously, but he did invite me to a charity ball in Denver, so it seems like he remembers me. Since he’s the richest guy I think I have ever met, I’m sure his party will be fancy. That’s where I want to take you.”
“Ooh, you do? That’s so exciting. Not that I can really see myself at some party…”
“You’ll be fine, Kenzie. There’s no way that everyone won’t immediately love you. They… well, they liked me when they first met me, and I didn’t fit in at all.” My face fell as I remembered that magical night. I didn’t normally enjoy the Forth of July at all, but with Emily, it was much less painful. “You are much nicer than me.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that!” Kenzie giggled. “But are there going to be press there? Won’t people speculate?”
“I don’t know if anyone is that interested in my love life. Not since…”
“But won’t they want to know the girl after Emily? I mean, she’s such a name now…”
I got the distinct impression that Kenzie was so wrapped up in the idea of going to a fancy party that she had forgotten all about my heart break. I suppose that was a good thing really, it meant that I didn’t need to keep talking about it. I needed my friend to be happy anyway to keep me as upbeat as possible. That wasn’t exactly going to be the easiest task in the world since everything was falling apart around me…
“I’ll get you a dress,” I finally blurted out, needing to talk about anything else. “For the party.”
“Oh, you will? Are you serious? I was just wondering what I would wear.”
“Well, I will sort something out for you. You deserve that much.” I lifted my beer in a cheers gesture, not that Kenzie was drinking herself. “You have been an awesome friend to me through everything.”
“And I will be your wing man at the party.” I gave her a look. “Oh, come off it, you don’t know how good a wing man I can be. Just because you and Jeff usually sort one another out doesn’t mean that I’m incapable.”
“No, I know, I just… I can’t imagine you being my wing man.”
“Because you have this idea of me being in love with you?” She rolled her eyes. “Well, please stop worrying about that. Just because I had a brief crush on you in high school it doesn’t mean that I’m in love.”
“I know it doesn’t, it’s just… well other people have said so…” God, now I felt really stupid. Why was I saying this? What the hell was wrong with me?
“You are just a friend to me. Honestly, Alex, you should be so lucky. I’m definitely not in love with you.”
I narrowed my eyes at her, but it really did seem like she was telling the truth. She wasn’t in to me anymore. That was good really. It meant that we couldn’t have sex and complicate our friendship. I did need this woman in my life in a friendship way, I didn’t want us to fall apart over my sadness.
“Okay, so you can be my wing man. You can help me find someone who wants to have a wicked hot fling with a guy who is definitely on the rebound. Then I will be properly fine.”
“That’s the spirit.” She smacked me on the arm. “That’s what I need to hear. Some positivity from you.”
“Only to have sex with some random woman. I don’t know if you should be celebrating that.”
“Oh, I’m definitely celebrating it, if it helps bring you back. I miss you, Alex. Me and Jeff both do.”
“Yeah, I know. I do understand. I will do what I can.”
“Good. That’s all we can ask, because i
t’s really hard to see you sad and not be able to help you. You know that you would feel the same way if it was one of us going through such a hard time.”
“I know, I would. I will be better. I assure you.”
They had lost me for a while once before when my sister died. But that was a long time ago and under completely different circumstances, so I couldn’t act the same way again. It was over with Emily. I wasn’t going to get any kind of closure, it was just done. It was time to get going with my life once more. My life needed me.
Twenty-Eight
Emily (a week later, late January, early evening)
My legs stretched out long in front of me, sticking out purposely from my little black dress. They were begging for attention, just like the rest of me. I mean, that was why I donned this tiny dress after work, wasn’t it? That was why I had a tiny bit of my breasts on show, my hair all blow dried, my lips painted red… I was screaming out for someone to look at me and I knew that it wouldn’t be long until they did. After all, this wasn’t the first up scale bar that I had taken a seat in waiting for a man to cast his gaze over me. It was actually becoming a bit of a habit.
Whether I was in Chicago, New York, LA, even London last week… I always did the same thing. I didn’t hang out with the models at the after shoot parties where wine and drugs were freely on offer, I waited in nice bars, usually with a piano sitting in the corner, for a man to try and use his cheesy chat up lines on me.
Maybe today would be the day I let one of the guys take me home. Who knew?
“Are you okay, Miss?” the bar tender asked as he handed me another martini. “You look sad?”
Urgh, sad didn’t cover it. I was a fucking mess. Like a swan, holding it together on the surface while flapping away violently underneath just attempting to keep my head above the water. “I’m good,” I lied.
