Dearest Cowboys Box Set

by Mia Brown

  “This is a wonderful show,” the guy continued. “With rave reviews, so the winner of this is a very lucky person indeed.” Each word was like a stab in the gut, a reminder that I wasn’t ever smart enough. “So, let’s get to it and announce the name, shall we?” He took his sweet ass time opening up the envelope. “Emily Mason.”

  I sucked in an audible gasp, causing Kenzie to stare at me wide eyed. This was the door open a tiny crack, wasn’t it? If she still wanted to see the Circus of Heavenly Movement that we agreed to go to together, it had to mean that she wasn’t completely shut down by the idea of me. If she was done with me, then she wouldn’t even want to think about it, would she? She would want to forget that the Circus of Heavenly Movement even existed…

  But she didn’t look happy by the idea of winning and she wasn’t looking at me either, which was strange. This could have been the romantic gesture that I wanted to create, only from the other way around, but it definitely wasn’t. In fact, she was bolting up from her seat and racing out of the room with what looked like tears streaming down her face. Winning had made her cry and I just knew without certainty that it was all my fault.

  “Er… Emily Mason?” the guy in stage asked. “That was her, wasn’t it? Why is she running away and crying? Emily, you won the tickets, dear. They are yours; this is supposed to be good news…”

  After a couple of awkward moments, the guy moved on to the next piece allowing everyone to breathe a collective sigh of relief. No one wanted to deal with the horrors of an overly emotional girl. But I had no interest in what he was saying, I couldn’t take my eyes off the door, watching where Emily ran through only moments before.

  “Ouch!” I cried out as Kenzie kicked my leg hard. “What the hell was that about?”

  “What are you doing?” she hissed. “Chance after her already. She’s crying.”

  “But you just said… you know all that stuff…”

  “Since when have you ever cared about anyone else’s opinion? What I think hasn’t ever stopped you before. There isn’t any need for it to happen again. Just because I think you’re heading for another heart break, doesn’t make me right. So, if you really want Emily Mason, then now is your chance to try.”

  “But this is your night… I’m supposed to be here for you…”

  “Yes.” She rested her hand on top of mine. “And I’m supposed to be here for you. I just want you to be happy, and if this is what you think will make you happy, then it’s time for you to go get your girl.”

  I beamed with joy. It already felt like a much better decision since I had her blessing… sort of. She hadn’t said that she was in full agreement of me going after Emily, she couldn’t guarantee that it would lead to the happy ever after I wanted with her, but she also didn’t tell me that I was a fucking idiot.

  I rose up and ran after Emily, happier than I’d been in a long old time as I knew for sure that I was going to get some answers at last. I wouldn’t leave until I was finally certain that she had done what she really wanted to when she broke things off. If it wasn’t just a panic reaction and she really was done for good with me, then I wouldn’t have any choice but to move one. Sure, it would re open those wounds and hurt all over again, but it wouldn’t be painful thinking that we could have had a chance if only we’d let ourselves.

  “Emily!” I cried out as I saw her down the hall, moving much slower but still trying to get away. Winning those tickets had defeated her, I could see it in her hunched over body language. “Emily, wait up! Don’t leave, we need to speak.”

  As she turned and spotted me, I half expected her to run again, to get away from me, but she seemed resigned to the idea that we needed to talk. So, with her arms folded and her eyes firmly fixed on the floor below, she remained in the same position until I dragged her in to a nearby alcove with me to give us the feel of privacy.

  Thirty-Two

  Emily

  “What do you want, Alex?” I asked while averting my eyes downwards. I could hardly stand to look at him while in this emotional state. Why did I have to place that stupid bid on the Circle of Heavenly Movement performance? What the hell did I think was going to happen if I won? That I would be okay with it? “Just get it over with.”

  “Emily, we can’t just leave things how they were. It doesn’t work like that…”

  “Why not?” I shrugged pettily. “It was never real between us, was it? And we agreed on the six month time line. I was just trying to do the right thing by making it less painful than it already was.”

  “Painful?” Urgh, trust him to pick up on that part. It was just impossible standing in this alcove with him, feeling him practically pressed up against me. He still made me feel all the things I wasn’t able to cope with.

  “Well, I mean, it was hard, wasn’t it?” Now, I stared down the hallway. At anything but him. “We’d been in one another’s lives for months and it was quite an intense experience. We can’t deny that. I just knew that if we tried to maintain… you know, a friendship or anything, we would end up getting hurt because we were just too busy…”

  “There’s no such thing as too busy when the person is right for you,” Alex cut me off.

  “Er, right, exactly.” Shit, was he saying what I thought he was? “Which is why… you know…”

  “No, I don’t know.” He shook his head hard. “I don’t know at all. I don’t get what you’re trying to tell me, Emily.” As he said my name, I couldn’t resist meeting his eyes, and when I did all the air stripped from my body. I was no longer myself, just a vessel connected to him. “When you called me that day to break things off, I wanted to tell you that I’d fallen in love with you, that I can’t help being in love with you even now.”

  Love… oh my god. How could he even say that word? I knew Alex Fancy enough to know that he wouldn’t say that word if he didn’t truly mean it. But… he couldn’t actually love me, could he?

  “What are you talking about, Alex?” I tried to step backwards but found that I couldn’t.

  “I’m talking about me and you. I wanted to tell you that day that I really wanted to give it a go. That I think me, and you are perfect for one another. For a man who was considered a play boy before, it didn’t even bother me that we didn’t have sex. I enjoyed your company so much, nothing else mattered. I didn’t want to lose you.”

  “But… but…” God, why couldn’t I find any words? What the hell was wrong with me?

  “I never open up to anyone, Emily. Ever. Especially not about what happened wit Cassie. It eats me up every single day and I can’t ever find a way to express it. Yet, with you, it wasn’t so hard. I mean, we hadn’t even known one another for a long time then and I still felt comfortable enough with you to share my deepest scariest stuff. If that doesn’t mean something… well, I don’t know what does. To me, that’s incredibly special.”

  As he looked at me, I found myself completely unable to speak due to the thick ball of emotion lodged firmly in my throat, blocking my air ways. I knew that was a huge moment when he told me about his sister, but I didn’t realize quite how big it was. That was really something. He opened up to me, he really did peel back his layers…

  But wait, I didn’t do the same thing, did I? I never really showed him me. Not the real me. He didn’t know anything about my awful past and there had to be a reason for that. I didn’t fully ever trust him, which was why I broke things off with him, and as tonight had proven, my instincts were right.

  “If you had all these feelings for me, then why are you here with another woman? How did you move on so fast?”

  “What?” he exclaimed as if this idea actually shocked him. “Are you serious? Oh, wait.” He smacked his palm against his forehead. “Of course, you didn’t come to my home town, did you? You were such a big part of my life I sometimes forget that you don’t actually know everyone in it.” My chest felt tight. I didn’t have the slightest clue where he was going with this one. “That’s Kenzie. My best friend from high school. I must have
spoken about her…”

  “K… Kenzie?” I did remember. “You never said that she was so beautiful though. You two… you look good together. I…” Shit, somehow this was worse. It was as if I had been in the way of a love story meant to be all along. They were so similar, so perfect, the looked like fate. “I didn’t realize that you two had something.”

  He tossed his head back and laughed as if this were a completely hysterical idea. “Trust me, me and Kenzie aren’t right for one another. She would rather date a bull than me, and I’m not interested in her either. Otherwise I would be in there with her, wouldn’t I? Instead of out here with you…”

  He laced his fingers through mine and stared intently in to my eyes. I could see what he wanted to communicate with me, and there was a big part of me that wanted to believe it. The idea that me and him could skip off in to the sun set and just make it work. Live through a wonderful happy ever after, the way that it was supposed to be in fairy tales… but it wasn’t long before the monster of anxiety zig zagged its way through me and gripped the thoughts, instead turning it in to a scary image of him upping and leaving me, just like everyone else did.

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t give myself over to someone just to end up alone. It wasn’t worth it.

  “I can’t do it.” I shook my head hard. “I can’t. I’ scared. I know that it won’t end well. You’ll leave me.”

  “Woah.” I tried to snatch my hands away, but he wouldn’t let me. “Why do you think that?”

  “Because I’m unlovable.” As my true emotions spilled out, so did a couple more tears. Fucking wonderful. The first night of the rest of my life and I’m a sobbing mess, ruining my wonderful make up. “No one sticks around.”

  “Have you been hurt before?” Confusion splashed across his expression. “Have you been with a man before who let you down? Because I can promise you that I won’t do the same thing. I know I haven’t always been perfect, but with you it feels so much easier. I just want to be that man you need me to be. I want to be everything for you.”

  “It isn’t a man… it’s someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Two people actually.”

  Finally, he seemed to get it. “Are you talking about your parents?”

  “My father who left me. I don’t even know who he is, and he clearly doesn’t ever care to get to know me. I mean, how can you have a child out there in the world that you don’t even know at all? And my mother…” The choking got harder. This revelation was so much worse. “She turned to drugs because she couldn’t cope with raising me alone. She’s always told me that I’m so horrible she had no choice but to take the edge off, so she can’t be blamed that it spiraled in to a meth addiction.” Alex snorted with derision, not much different to the way that Ruby reacted when I first told her all about it. “And then I helped her. When I was a teenager, I did everything that I could. She wouldn’t go to rehab, so I had to make her go cold turkey alone with no experience or help.” I shuddered at the memory. That was the hardest time of my life, some terrible things were said that would stay with me forever. “But we did it. Me and her together. Somehow we did it and I thought that everything would be okay from there.”

  “What happened?” Alex asked me softly, seeming to really care about me.

  “Well, I got scouted by a model agent and I told my mother that was what I always wanted to do. She told me that was disgusting and that I might as well be a whore instead. She did everything that she could to push me away, telling me that her love for me was a lie and that no one could ever love a slut like me. She… well, I think the moment that I left to become a model was the moment she went back on her downwards spiral. So, it’s my fault again.”

  “No.” Alex shook his head hard. “No, you can’t blame yourself for this. Any of it. A mother should never ever blame a child for their mistakes. That isn’t right. That’s disgusting. You were young. How can you be to blame for someone putting drugs in to their system that very first time? It’s different when the addiction takes hold, I’m sure. But that first time, no way. She knew exactly what she was doing. And then you got her clean. I’m sure that was a trauma and somehow you survived it… then she can’t even support your dream? I’m sorry to say this, Emily, but she sounds like a bad person who tries to blame all her badness on the rest of the world.”

  There was something in his words, I was sure of it. But I was too caught up in a fog of sadness to be sure if he was right or the ideas, I had always instilled in to me were the ones to be believed.

  “You want to push me away because of the beliefs that your mother has installed in to you, but I won’t accept it. I won’t go, Emily, because I don’t ever want to leave you. That isn’t me. I have decided that you are the woman I want to be with, and you know that means forever, I wouldn’t mess you around. I know you want the same thing as well, you’re just too scared to admit it, which I completely understand. If you tell me that you don’t love me too, I will go, but I don’t think that’s the case. I’m a world champion now, I can take care of you, and that’s all I want to do. Be there for you and do what I can to make you the happiest woman alive.”

  I leaned against him as I wept, needing that incredible support that only this man could give me. “I’m sorry,” I cried out. “So, so sorry. I never meant to push you away because I am in love with you too, it’s just so hard for me to give anything of myself to anyone because I’m unlovable.”

  “You are not unlovable,” he barked angrily.

  “I made a huge mistake. I would do anything to take it back because you were the best thing to ever happen to me. I should have known that you weren’t going to reject me too…”

  He pulled back to look at me with a giant smile on his face. “So, I love you and you love me.” He nodded, satisfied. “And I hope you know now that I will never let you go.”

  Then he crashed his lips to mine, claiming me with his mouth, and sealing our love for what I hoped was forever…

  Thirty-Three

  Alex (four months later, early may)

  I’d been to Las Vegas a number of times before, but I hadn’t ever seen this side of it. I guess the rodeo crowd didn’t exactly mix with this super rich group of people who seemed determined to show just how much money they had. With their expensive jewelry and clothing that I could only presume were designer, it was like a catalog of who was the wealthiest. Me and Emily stood out like sore thumbs being normal people. The others here had to know that we were competition winners and not here because we could afford this select performance.

  “Look how few people are here,” Emily gushed, seeing none of the same issues as me. “We’re going to get such a good view of the Circle of Heavenly Movement performance, aren’t we? This is better than I ever could have hoped for. We will get really good seats, won’t we? Isn’t that the best thing ever…?”

  I couldn’t stop grinning when I saw how happy she was. None of my hang ups mattered when she was beaming like the cat who had the cream. I wasn’t really pissed off with everyone else anyway. More nervous. The small blue box sitting in my pocket weighed heavily. Knowing that tonight was going to be the night where I finally asked the woman that I loved to marry me, and the nerves were definitely getting the better of me.

  I checked it once more, needing to be one hundred percent certain that I definitely had it with me, even though I had done the same a million times before. It was there, this night was going to plan, it was fine… all I really needed to do was calm the hell down, so I didn’t completely fuck it up before I even got the first word out.

  “Are you okay?” Emily squeezed my hand tight. “You seem really strained tonight. Do you not want to be here?”

  “Of course I do!” I reassured her quickly. “I’m so excited, I’m just… keen to get in there already.”

  But the look that she gave me suggested she knew otherwise. I suppose that made sense since we’d spent the last for months since that night in Denver really getting to now one another. We had
proven that if you loved someone enough, you could make time for them, no matter how busy your schedule, and during the time that we had spent together, we really opened up to one another. I felt like we finally knew each other properly.

  She had even been to Wyoming and met my friends at last, really getting the inside scoop on my life. After everything, she got on really well with Kenzie. Jeff too, so it all worked out great. I had been introduced to her hairdresser friend, Ruby, too. She didn’t give me an easy ride, she swore to destroy me if I hurt her friend, but I got the impression that she would slowly come around to me and everything would be okay.

  “Yeah, me too.” She nodded eagerly. “I can’t wait to see what it’s going to be like. When I bid on these tickets, I didn’t know that it was going to be quite like this. I thought that it would just be a normal performance… oh look, we’re going in now. It’s time to get our seats and everything. This is so exciting. I can’t wait, Alex, can you?”

  I followed her inside and loved the sound of her gasping with excitement at the room. To be fair, it was impressive. The perfect sort of décor to get us both in the mood for romance, which would of course was perfect for tonight. As we took our seats right near the front of the stage, the anticipation was palpable. I almost pulled the ring out and proposed to Emily right here and now. But I had been planning to do it sometime at the incredible meal we had booked afterwards. That would give me much more times to say what I really wanted to.

  “Look at the program booklet,” Emily hissed, her eyes all lit up and shining. “It’s all about love.

  I didn’t get it really myself, I guess I wasn’t to well read when it came to love, but Emily showed me the parts that would be centered around some of the most powerful tragic love stories such as Romeo and Juliet and Tristan and Isolde. I knew it wouldn’t even matter if I didn’t understand it as it happened. Just being here with Emily was enough. When she asked me to come with her, I was over the moon, I knew that she didn’t have to. It was a big turning point in us getting back together and really committing to one another this time around. It didn’t matter if I was totally baffled the entire time. As long as I got to be by her side, experiencing that with her.