Dearest Cowboys Box Set

by Mia Brown

  Part of me wanted to be alone, but another part of me was glad for the company. I’d slept with Cassidy the day before, and leaving her house had felt very final. Too final. It felt like an end of an era, or the end of an incredible relationship, even though there hadn’t been one to begin with.

  “Thanks for coming over,” I said to him as we settled in the living room with our beers. Joe had made me down one immediately, so we were both already on our second beers despite him just arriving. “Are we reliving our youth or something?”

  He laughed. “What do you mean by reliving? We are young.” This was a conversation that always came up between the two of us. With me always saying that we were getting older, and Joe always trying desperately to hold onto our youth. He was right, we were young, but I liked messing with him anyway. I had a feeling that Joe was secretively very scared of growing older, and I didn’t really blame him. Responsibilities were not fun at all.

  I snorted. “I guess. I’m just messing with you, anyway. Well, no matter, old or not, it’s nice having you here.”

  “Yeah, at least I get to see you rather than just hear about you from everyone in town. You’ve been quite the popular one these days. Your name is pretty much the only thing that has come up lately.”

  I groaned. “Seriously? Don’t people have better things to talk about? I thought that maybe the whole thing had died down by now.” I felt bad hearing that people were still talking about us. It wasn’t fair to Cassidy.

  “Well, let’s see, you faked a marriage and went as far as living with the girl. I think that warrants some good old-fashioned gossip from people, don’t you think?” Joe said with a laugh. “And we live in a small town. People really do have nothing else to do but talk about this.”

  I sighed and shook my head. “I suppose. Man, sometimes I have no idea what I was thinking.”

  “You and me both,” Joe agreed.

  “You’re not supposed to agree with me.”

  He laughed. “Sorry, I can’t help myself. You’ve got to admit that it was a crazy thing that you did. Completely not the sort of thing you would usually do. If someone else in the town did this, I’m certain that you would also be talking about it. Of course, I’m pretty sure I know why you did it, but it was still a crazy thing to do.”

  “What do you mean you’re pretty sure you know why I did it? I did it because of my father. I did it so that I didn’t end up hurting him. The fact that I still ended up hurting him is beside the point. You know that.”

  He laughed. “That’s not the reason. You did it so you could spend more time with Cassidy.”

  “That’s crazy. If I wanted to spend time with her, I would’ve just done that.”

  “You liked being married to her. Even if it was a pretend marriage. Go on, admit it.”

  “Cassidy was very easy to live with, that’s for sure, but that has nothing to do with it.”

  “So, were the two of you just living together? Or were you really playing with the whole husband and wife thing? Like…really playing, if you know what I mean?”

  I groaned. “Of course I know what you mean. You’re not exactly the most subtle guy in the world. And…it’s none of your business what we were doing.”

  Joe gasped. “Houston Jones, are you telling me that you and Cassidy were also sleeping together this whole time? Seriously? I was only kidding you. I know you slept together at the wedding, but I didn’t think you had done it again.”

  “We didn’t at first. But…I sort of suggested it one night, and after that it just sort of felt like a natural thing to do. And yes, I do realize how crazy that sounds.”

  “It’s not crazy that you wanted to have more sex with her. You were living with her, for goodness’ sake. It’s crazy that she wanted to have sex with you.”

  “What’s wrong with me?” I said defensively.

  “Nothing is wrong with you. I just don’t picture Cassidy as the sort of girl who would do something like that. The two of you weren’t in a relationship, and she’s just never been the type of girl that sleeps around like that. She’s always been…how do I put this? A good girl. Yeah, she’s always been a good girl.”

  “She is a good girl,” I insisted. “Throw me another beer.”

  “Oh my God. You’re in love with her.”

  I cracked open the beer, enjoying the sound of the fizz that it made, and took a big sip. I shook my head at Joe. “I’m not in love with her.”

  “You’re madly in love with her. Wow, I never thought I’d see you talk about a girl this way. I definitely didn’t think that it would be with little tomboy Cassidy Thomas.”

  “She’s beautiful,” I said.

  He laughed. “Listen to you, dude. I can’t say anything without you getting all defensive over her. Usually, you wouldn’t care at all if I spoke this way.”

  “Yeah, well, I guess I’m just tired of this whole thing. Cassidy is a great girl, and I messed her around. We took the whole thing too far, and it exploded in our faces. I ended up hurting my father and her. And myself. And I’m tired of everyone talking about it when we’re not around.”

  “Hey,” Joe said kindly this time. “I’m only messing with you. It’s actually nice to hear you talk this way. I’ve certainly never felt that way about a girl before. Anyway, I can see that you are not just a guy who is irritated at the town or by the situation. You’re a guy who just lost the girl that he loved. The first girl that he loved. Say what you want dude, but that’s the truth. You miss being married to her.”

  “We weren’t married,” I said. “And I wasn’t in love. I’m not sure what I was. I guess the whole thing just messed with my head a bit. That’s all. The whole thing between us is over, and we’re both moving on. It was fun while it lasted, but we weren’t in love with one another. It’s over anyway, and there seems to be no point in going on about it.”

  Joe seemed to realize that I was being serious, and I could see that he felt bad for pushing me so much. Conversations between us didn’t usually get so heated, or so serious. We were the type of friends who always made jokes, not the type who spoke about love and marriage. Thankfully, the beer seemed to be kicking in.

  “You know what you need?” Joe said.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “You need to get laid.”

  I groaned. “Are you serious? We just discussed this. I’m not sleeping with Cassidy again. I’m not even seeing her at the moment.”

  “Who said anything about Cassidy? You need to find another girl to sleep with.”

  “And why would I want to do that?”

  “Uh, why wouldn’t you want to do that?” he said. “You need to get her out of your system. If you weren’t in love with her like you say you weren’t, then this is probably the best thing to do for you to move on from it all. And anyway, since when are you going to turn down the opportunity to be with another girl? I think you should make this your new mission for the next week. I’ll even be your wingman. Although, don’t take all the girls, please. Leave me some.”

  I laughed, even though it wasn’t funny at all. I didn’t want to be with another girl. The thought of sleeping with someone else didn’t leave me at all excited, which I knew was saying a lot. Joe was right. I had fallen for Cassidy. He was also right about me needing to get her out of my system, but I had no idea how to do that. I assumed that time would do the trick, and I had a feeling that sleeping with someone else would only make me miss her more. Not that I was going to tell Joe that, though.

  I knew that the only way to get Joe off my back was to simply agree with him and make him feel as if he was right. I told him that it was a fantastic idea, and he seemed so pleased that I was finally listening to his advice. We spoke about the various girls in town and what we wanted to do with them, and how we were going to pursue them. The whole thing was absolutely ridiculous, and my heart wasn’t in it at all. Thankfully, Joe kept drinking, and he didn’t seem to notice my lack of enthusiasm.

  He opened another d
rink and held it up. “To lost opportunities that will lead to new and exciting opportunities.”

  I cheered along with him, drank some more, and hoped that the evening would hurry up so that he could go home. He was a good friend, and I appreciated the company, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk about other girls. I knew that he was only doing what he thought was best, but I couldn’t wait for him to go home. Finally, when I saw that it was a reasonable time to suggest it, I told him that I was exhausted and happy to call it a night, and I was pleased when he happily agreed.

  I called him a cab and then waved him off with promises of another drunken night ahead. I hoped that he would wake up with a huge hangover and not want to go out again for quite some time. I had a lot to drink that night, but not nearly as much as him. Every time he wasn’t looking, I would make sure that his drink was topped up and that mine wasn’t.

  That night, I went through the bags that I had brought home from Cassidy’s place. I hadn’t opened them up the night before, but I desperately needed some fresh clothes. I dumped all the clothes out, and then gasped when I saw something shiny at the bottom of the bag.

  There, mixed in with a few of my socks, was Cassidy’s favorite little silver horse pendant. I held it in my hands and felt the sadness that came over me. Joe was right. I was in love with her. I thought back to what she had said when I left her house the day before. Well, it was fun while it lasted, she’d said. Then she’d rushed into the house to answer the phone without so much as a glance back at me. I could see that she had regretted sleeping with me that one last time, and I knew that it was officially over. What an idiot I had been. She might be the most fearless person that I knew, but I was definitely the most fearful.

  Twenty-Seven

  Cassidy

  “Do you remember that time I fell off my horse? I was about 11 at the time. Maybe 12.”

  I was sitting in the living room with Nicole, the two of us laden with a variety of cookies and cakes that she had baked. I’d probably already eaten too much, but I kept going in for more. I’d called Nicole in tears that morning and asked her to come over.

  “Yeah, how could I forget,” she said. “You broke your arm. I was the one standing there when it happened, and I literally heard your arm crunch. It was scary. I think I even started crying. Although I must’ve been 6 or 7, so I used to cry about anything then. I remember feeling so helpless.”

  “Helpless. Yeah, that’s how I felt too,” I said as I bit into a chocolate chip cookie. “I cried so much. That’s the thing I remember most about that time, the crying. I had never cried so much in my life. I used to feel confused about how many tears were in me. They just kept pouring out, and I couldn’t stop them. I think I even asked Mom where they were coming from. I thought that maybe I was made of tears and that one day I would no longer be in existence if they all came out. Anyway, that’s how I feel now. I’m not a crier. Ever since then, I turned into this girl that never cries, but now I can’t stop myself again. I’m a mess.”

  “But why, Cass? You were doing okay. A whole month has gone by. Did something happen?”

  I sighed. I was dreading telling Nicole about what had happened, but I knew that I was going to have to. I nodded. “He came by to get his things.”

  “Oh no, that couldn’t have been easy. Did the two of you have a fight or something?”

  “Not quite.”

  “Cassidy! Did you sleep together?”

  I nodded. “We didn’t plan for it to happen. It just did. I’m such an idiot.”

  “So, what happened after? Was it weird?”

  “He just left. Well, not until after telling me that I was going to make some man very happy one day. Some man, just not him,” I said. They weren’t exactly what his words had been, but they were close.

  “Ouch.”

  I nodded and wiped away more tears. “Yeah, ouch is right. Ever since then I’ve been a wreck. And then Jake turned up while I was crying.”

  “Oh no.”

  I sighed. “Why can’t I just like Jake? How much easier would that be? Why do I have to like Houston? And yes, I like Houston. I admit it.”

  “Oh, Cass, I’m so sorry. How can he just walk off like that? This is what I don’t understand…okay, so I know that the two of you made up the whole marriage thing, and I know that it was just one of those crazy lies that you both couldn’t get out of. I get that. What I don’t get is why you don’t just date if you like each other?”

  “Well, Houston clearly doesn’t like me,” I pointed out. It was one of the hardest parts about the whole thing for me. Houston didn’t like me. At least, not enough for him to want to be with me.

  “But he slept with you,” she said.

  I raised my eyebrows at her. “And since when does sleeping with someone mean that you want to be with them?”

  “It does to me,” she said.

  “It does to me, too,” I agreed. “But it doesn’t for everyone, and that’s just the sad and honest truth of the matter.”

  She sighed. “I guess you’re right. Well, I just don’t understand it. Things can be so crazy with men sometimes.”

  “Yeah, I agree. And it’s hard to know if what you’re feeling is real. That’s what I keep telling myself. That maybe I don’t really like Houston, but that maybe I just like the idea of him. Maybe I liked being married to a guy like him, and that’s all. What if I’m looking into this too much and confusing my fake feelings with my real feelings?”

  “Yeah, maybe. Well, here’s the thing, then. If you still feel something for Houston in a few weeks’ time, then maybe there’s something more than just friendship there. That would be a good test. If you’ve forgotten about him and moved on, then you will know that there was nothing there to begin with.”

  “What do you think about the whole thing?” I asked. “And be honest, Nic. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I’d rather know the truth.”

  Nicole seemed to think about it a bit before talking. “Well, I’m not sure. I think I’m confused, too. All I know is that there’s an ease between the two of you that seems like it’s more than friendship to me. It goes beyond that.”

  “Really?”

  “Absolutely, and if there’s one thing that I truly believe it’s that Houston really cares for you.”

  I sighed. “But right now he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me. Yesterday was like wham, bam, and thank you, ma’am. One last sexual moment with me and he was gone. It’s hard to know what to think about that.”

  “Right now you shouldn’t ignore your feelings. You need to think about what you want and how you feel. If you feel like there is something there between the two of you, then you should talk to him about it.”

  “Why is this so hard? You see,” I said. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to date in the first place. I was pretty content before all of this. And you want to know what the biggest problem of all is?”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’m not sure that I can go back to how I was before. It’s too late now. I know what it’s like to really feel something for a guy, and now I want that again.”

  “That’s not necessarily a bad thing, Cass. Actually, it’s a good thing. Feeling something is a good thing. And unfortunately, to feel the highs you have to feel the lows. But boy, is it worth it.”

  I smiled. “Yeah, you’re right.”

  “Is that a smile I see?”

  I laughed. “It’s a small one.”

  “I’m so proud of you, Cass. And, for what it’s worth, it’s been good seeing this side of you. Not the sad side of course, but the other side.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, it has been good. In fact, I’ve even enjoyed dressing more like a girl.”

  Nicole gasped. “You have? I never thought I’d ever hear you say that.”

  I laughed, and the sound was nice to hear. I had been crying too much lately, and this was a welcome relief. “Sometimes I wonder if perhaps the problem was always me. Like, maybe I shut my feminine s
ide off too much. I was always so shy about romance because I just never felt like I could do it. I have always been called just one of the guys, and it was hard to think of myself as anything more. Then, Houston came along and changed all that. But what if I fell so hard for Houston just because he was one of the few men to treat me like a woman?”

  “Hmm…but what about Jake? And you’ve had some other boyfriends before,” Nicole pointed out, and she did have a point, in a way.

  “No,” I said after giving it some thought. “It was different with Houston. He treated me different than all the other guys. He made me feel like I really was this beautiful woman. Hell, he even made me feel sexy, and that is the first time that I have ever felt sexy in my life.”

  “You are sexy,” Nicole pointed out.

  I laughed. “Thank you. I’m not so sure about that, but what I am sure about is how he managed to make me feel more than I ever had about myself. I liked it. So, as hard as it is to admit, maybe I really did feel something more for Houston because it was so unusual for me to feel that way. He’s had plenty of girlfriends, so it seems only normal that I would feel more for him than he would for me. I’m inexperienced at all of this.”

  It was hard to say the words. I wanted Houston to feel more for me, but I also didn’t want to force him to feel something. I wanted it to come naturally. If it didn’t, then he wasn’t the one that I wanted to be with.

  “Maybe you’re right, Cass,” Nicole said. “Maybe he came into your life to show you what was possible. Perhaps he just opened up your heart to meet the right guy. You might look back on all of this and simply feel thankful to him. Or, you might realize that he was the right one after all, and he might realize the same. Only time will tell.”