by Dee J. Stone
I look at Cruiser and he looks at me. I guess neither of us knows what to say. We never intended to hurt Rey, not as kids and not when we got together.
“I’ll leave if we’re making you uncomfortable,” I say.
“No!” Rey shuts his eyes and squeezes the ball again. “Don’t leave. Just don’t…” He takes a deep breath. “I want you guys to be happy. Cruiser would push my feelings before his own. He’s done it so many times. It’s time I return the favor and push his before mine. Look, it doesn’t matter how I feel, and I honestly would rather not analyze myself right now. The point is that the two of you are crazy in love and are really good for each other. I would never have that with you, Lex.”
I no longer see jealousy and pain in his eyes. They are sincere. “Thanks,” I say. “I know one day you’ll get to experience what Cruiser and I have with someone special.”
Rey nods, a big swallow making its way down his throat.
The room grows silent.
Rey slams the stress ball from one palm to the other. He marches to the window and peers out. “I quit Kelman’s because I felt like a failure.”
I feel my eyebrows shoot up. “What?”
With his back still facing me, he tells me what it was like when he was at the music academy. He felt inferior to the other kids and that he disappointed his teachers. “The harder I tried,” he says. “The more I failed.” There’s a tremor in his voice, as though he’s holding back tears. “I thought I was a damn good violin player,” he continues, his voice so low I need to strain my ears to hear. “Everyone made me believe I was. My parents, my violin instructor, my friends.” He shrugs. “They put all this hope in me. Inflated me with it. And then I popped.”
He turns a bit like he wants to face us, but he changes his mind and turns back to the window. “I didn’t know how to feel. It’s like this monster grew inside me, filling the void that used to be the violin.”
My heart goes out to him. I know how much the violin means to him. “I’m so sorry, Rey.”
He finally turns around. There are tears in his eyes. “I just didn’t know how to handle it. Which is why…” He swallows as his gaze moves to Cruiser.
“He got in with the wrong crowd,” Cruiser tells me. “That loser Nate and his crew. They screwed him over, forcing him to pay for drugs.”
Rey looks disgusted with himself. “Yeah. I owe a crapload of money to Jake.”
“That’s what the fight at school was about?” I ask.
“The guy was going to beat the shit out of him,” Cruiser says. “I had to protect him.”
I tuck my hands under my thighs. “I wish you would have told me this from the beginning. I understand you were going through a lot, Rey, but I care a lot about you. I really do.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“So why did Jake attack Cruiser?”
Cruiser tells me how the fight at school caused a student to come forward and tell the principal that Jake sold him drugs. He was expelled. Jake blamed Cruiser.
I rub my eyes. “This is crazy.”
“I fucked everything up,” Rey says.
“You didn’t,” Cruiser says. “You just got issues to sort out. Like everyone else.” He turns to me and strokes my cheek. “I didn’t want that jackass anywhere near you. That’s why I didn’t tell you about the drugs.”
“You think he’ll come after us or something?” Rey asks.
“The police told me he’s not allowed anywhere near us,” Cruiser says.
“He’s got friends,” Rey says. “Police’s words are worth crap.”
Cruiser puts his arm around me and tucks me close to his body. “Hopefully we can put all this behind us. We’ll help you get your shit together, Rey. You don’t need to keep things from us.”
I nod. “We’re here to help.”
He looks at the floor, still squeezing the ball. “I want to fix my life. I don’t like we’re I’m headed any more than you do. I don’t want to hurt anyone else I care about.”
“That’s more like it,” Cruiser says.
Rey lifts his head and gives him a smile. A real one.
Chapter Eleven
Cruiser
Lex’s Mom texts her that she’s waiting outside. After Lex says good night to Rey and my Dad, I walk her to the door. I don’t open it, though. I gently press her to the wall and kiss her. Nonstop. I don’t want her to leave.
“Cruiser,” she whispers between kisses. “My mom’s waiting.”
I don’t care. Let her wait until the sun comes out. My lips slide to Lex’s temple.
“Cruiser.”
“I don’t want to let you go.”
“I’ll come over after school tomorrow. I promise.”
I reluctantly loosen my arm from around her. Wrap my hand around the back of her neck and just gaze into her eyes. “My beautiful T. Rex.”
We’re in the dark, but I see her cheeks get red. She’s so cute when she blushes. I kiss her nose.
She brushes some hair out of my eyes. “Good night, Cruiser.”
“’Night.”
Her eyes drop to my left arm. It’s wrapped in a blue cast and has a few signatures on it in black marker. Rosie Posie’s stands out the most. She wrote “Rosie Posie beats Cruiser Muser in Dawn of the Damned” in large letters, then underneath: “Still thinking of a better name!” It takes up almost the whole thing.
Lex bends toward my arm and lightly presses her lips to the sling. Then she straightens up and smiles. “So it’ll heal faster.”
“I think you made it fall in love with you,” I joke.
She laughs.
“Come here.” I stretch my arm around her and haul her closer to me. Until she’s tucked into my side. I rest my cheek on hers and just hold her. But I can’t for too long because her phone rings. Her mom.
I kiss her one more time before I let her go.
Rey’s in the room when I get back. Throwing his stress ball against the wall. Kind of useless because it doesn’t bounce. It just goes splat and then slides down the wall. I sit on my bed and…I got nothing to do. “How about a game?” I ask Rey.
“How are you gonna play with just one hand?”
Hmm. Good point. “I’ll make it happen.”
Rey shrugs. He loads in a shooting game. Hmm. Yeah, this isn’t easy. Hell, it’s impossible. I throw my controller aside and watch him play. After a few minutes, I say, “How long you plan on staying here?”
He keeps his eyes on the screen. “I don’t need a babysitter, Cruise. You wanna be closer to Lex? Move back in with Mom.”
I lean back in my chair. Rub my eyes. “I’m gonna go where you go. You need me.”
He snorts.
“Seriously. Out here all by yourself? Where you don’t know anyone?”
“Dad’s here.”
“Ain’t the same. Come back to South Beach High. Patch things up with Derek and Jared. Rejoin your lame clubs.”
He doesn’t move his gaze from the screen.
“Go back to how things used to be.”
He sighs and pauses the game. “I want to go back, but…” He shakes his head.
Twin telepathy tells me what he’s afraid of. “They’ll forgive you,” I say. “They miss you.”
“I just feel like such a moron. I’m embarrassed by how I’ve been acting. All the kids there will—”
“Screw them. How do you think I came back after being away for a year? It wasn’t easy. Last they remembered, I was some loser who got stoned or trashed every night and fooled around with girls. No one took me seriously. Just saw my past hanging over my head.”
He lowers his elbows on his knees. Rests his chin on his hand. “I don’t know how you did it.”
“Because all those people weren’t important. You were important.” I swallow. “Lex was important. Everyone else was just background noise.”
“Easier to just run away.”
“Sure is. But it’s not the right answer.”
“Yeah.” He shakes h
is head again. “You got no clue what I said to some of my teachers. Damn, I was so messed up. I still am.”
“So am I. Everyone is. Just gotta learn from it and move on.”
He rubs the back of his head. “What about Mom? She’ll be all in my business. She’ll try to get me back into the violin.”
“That a bad thing?”
His eyes lower to his shoes. “I’m not ready yet. I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t know if I want to be.”
I get up and head to the closet. Where we dumped everything we don’t really need. I curse as I try to move stuff around with only one hand. Then I find it. I walk back to Rey and hold it out.
His eyes widen. Mouth falls. “My v-violin. Where did you get it from?” By the look on his face, I know he wants to grab it. Maybe hug it and tell it how much he loves and misses it. But then his face changes. Looks like he wants to smash it against the wall.
“Mom sent it over.”
“I didn’t realize you were playing my violin the other day.” A few hours before Jake and his crew attacked me. I saw the longing in his eyes then. But he ran away.
“Play it,” I say as I throw him the bow.
He shakes his head so fast I see double. “No way.”
“Rey. Play the damn violin.”
“No.”
“Fine.” I hold it over my shoulder. “Guess I’ll just slam it into the wall. Maybe I’ll be able to sell some of the wood.” I turn toward the wall.
“Cruise, what the hell!” He jumps to his feet.
I chuckle. “Knew you couldn’t handle it.”
He narrows his eyes. “Just stash it back in there.”
“Play it.”
“I said no!”
“One song.”
“No.”
“Just one.”
“No!”
“I’m not moving until you play a fucking song,” I say.
“Then I guess you’ll fall asleep standing.”
“How about I slam it into the wall?”
“Oh my god. You’ve lost it.”
I chuck it on his bed. Dammit. He won’t play. “You have no dick.”
He folds his arms and juts out his chin.
“Only a guy with no dick would refuse to play his damn violin.”
“Guess you had no dick when we were twelve.”
“Rey, we’re talking about you. Forget me.”
He slams his ass down on the bed and huffs.
“You’re acting like a little kid,” I tell him.
“Do you really think my playing the violin will fix everything? Because it won’t!”
“It might.”
“It won’t.”
I throw my hand up. “I don’t know what to do with you.”
“Welcome to the club,” he mutters.
Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe the guy really is traumatized by the violin. Maybe the best course is to take his mind off things. Maybe find him another hobby.
“Rey.”
“I’m not playing the damn violin, Cruiser. Just leave me alone. Wish I had my own room.”
“Okay, screw the violin. How about we find some other hobby?”
He lifts his eyebrows. “We?”
“I was gonna join some clubs back at South Beach High. To help with college. We can find one we both like.”
He scoffs. “Who are you and what have you done with my idiot brother?”
He’s laughing like the thought of me being part of a group or activity is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Which shouldn’t be too surprising. I’m not one to do things with other people.
“I was thinking theater,” I tell him.
He bursts out laughing. “You on stage? You’d wreck the whole show.”
Item number two added to the Payback List. “I meant backstage.”
He blinks at me. “You’re actually serious.”
I shrug. “You want me to join one of your old lame clubs? Law or debate or some other crap? ‘Cuz I will if you will.”
“What are we? Siamese Twins?”
“It wouldn’t hurt to do something together.” Ever since I quit the violin, we haven’t really done anything together. Sure we hung out a lot and played video games and talked. But we didn’t do a project or hobby. Rey got so busy with his violin and middle school clubs and his friends, and all I wanted to do was hang out with Lex. Then the accident happened and all went to hell.
Rey’s mouth shuts. He looks at me. “I guess it wouldn’t be too bad to do something together. All your interests suck, though.”
Now I scoff. “Don’t forget that I’m the cool twin and you’re the loser twin.”
He snorts. Then frowns.
“I was kidding.”
“I know it’s true,” he says. “You’ve always been the cool one. Always the good looking one.”
“We have the same face. Sort of.” We’re not identical, but we look similar. Some people couldn’t tell us apart when we were kids. If I were to chop off all my hair, we’d look a lot alike.
“Maybe if I was cool like you, I wouldn’t have focused every second of my life on the damn violin. It gave me no life.” Then he says so low I almost miss it, “Maybe I would have a girlfriend.”
I sit near him on his bed. “Spending all your time on the violin is cool. Look how far it got you.”
“Useless now.”
“We are not going to do this again. You’ll play the violin soon. Mark my words. And you’ll get a girlfriend, too.”
It looks like he doesn’t believe a word that left my mouth.
We don’t say anything.
Then, “Are you really going to join theater?” he asks.
“Something wrong with that?”
He squints at me. “I don’t see it. You being on stage and acting.”
“Hell no. I told you I want to do backstage.”
He squints at me again. “I don’t see you moving props, sewing clothes, or paining sceneries.”
I shrug.
“Is Lex gonna join, too?”
“Nah. She’s got no time because of dance.”
He twists his mouth. “So you want to move back with mom and go back to our old school.”
“Our life is there, Rey. Not here.” I gesture around. “We’re like in another dimension.”
He looks at his lap. “Yeah. You’re right. I don’t know if I can face everyone, though.”
“They won’t give a damn about you. They’ll all just be happy I’m back and they’ll fight to sign my cast.”
Rey grabs the back of my head and shoves me down on his bed. “You’re so full of it.”
“You’re attacking an injured man!”
“A man? I don’t see a man here. Just a little boy with a big boo boo.” He straddles me and pushes my face into the bed. “I’m getting you back for all the times you wrestled me.”
“Not my fault you’ve got no muscles.”
“I think I like you with one arm. I can do whatever I want you with. Muahahaha.”
“Rey, you’re going to choke me to death.” I try to push him off, but I’m no match with only one arm.
“Cool. Now I’ll have Lex all to myself.”
I go still.
“Relax, I’m joking.” He climbs off of me. “You think Dad’ll be upset that we’re leaving?”
“You gotta think about yourself, Rey. Stop trying to please Mom or Dad. You’ve been doing that your whole life. What do you want to do?”
He looks at me like I asked him the most difficult question known to man.
“Well?” I ask.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, bro, it’s time you find out.”
Chapter Twelve
Lex
The first thing I do when I wake up the next morning is text Cruiser and tell him I have something to show him after school. I was up all night, trying to come up with something special to do for him. He’s been through a lot and I want to show him how much I love and appreciate
him. After throwing aside one suckier idea after another for three hours, I finally came up with the perfect thing. I called Dani—the girl doesn’t go to bed before 2 AM—and she helped me plan it. It’s going to be amazing. The only problem is that I have to get through a whole day of school.
My phone beeps.
Morning, darlin’
Did I wake you?
Nah, was up. Can’t sleep. Arm’s been acting up a bit, but I’m cool now. Want to wish you a good day. I’ll be thinking about you and missing you to death.
I feel so warm inside. Me, too. I’ll count down the hours until we’re together.
What do you want to show me?
It’s a surprise.
Can’t wait. Giving you a PG-13 rated kiss.
Only PG-13?
Mmm. Okay, I’m giving you a rated R kiss.
I laugh, feeling even warmer and happier.
As I’m getting dressed, I hear Mom yelling from downstairs. My stomach knots and my throat chokes up. I gather my hair into a ponytail and shove on my shoes before rushing downstairs. I stop short when I see the sight in front of me. Milk is spilled on the table, Rosie is in tears, and Mom looks like she wants to throw herself off a bridge. Dad already left for work.
“What’s going on?” I step inside.
“Don’t let her make me take the bus!” Rosie sobs, fresh tears pouring down her cheeks. “Don’t let her make me!”
“I don’t have time to drop you off at school every morning, Rosie.”
“But I won’t take the bus! I won’t, I won’t. I’m not going to school.”
Mom’s hands fly to her temples, where she massages them roughly. “I can’t take this.” Her eyes flash to mine. “Couldn’t you have gotten your license like every other teenager on the planet?”
It feels like she threw fifty darts at me. I back away, as if the more distance I put between us, the less her words will hurt. But that doesn’t happen. If anything, they only hurt more. Maybe because they’re sinking in. Mom knows how badly I feel about the accident, so much that I’m scared to drive. I always tell myself I’ll learn one day, but I never seem to feel ready.
