by Dee J. Stone
I continue to pace. I wish I could throw these thoughts into the garbage bin next to me, but they’re too strong. I hope I’m fixed when we leave Carter’s office. I want to be happy and stress-free. Continue living my life with my girl and bro at my side. And my family. And Rosie. Without the past holding me back.
The squad is done with practice and the girls hit the showers. My heart starts to pump as crazy as hell. Yeah, I’m not afraid to admit I’m nervous. But I want to do this. Want to get over the attack and live in peace.
“Cruiser?” Lex is in front of me. She’s out of the shower already? My thoughts must have made the time fly. She slides her hand into mine. “It’ll be okay.”
Every part of me orders me to back out. Bolt while I still have the chance. But that’s the old Cruiser. The new one doesn’t run from his problems. He faces them so he can move on and have a healthy life.
“Let’s do this,” I say.
When the bell rings for first period, my gut sinks. It all feels more real now. Lex tightens her hold on my hand as she leads me to Carter’s office. The guidance counselor sits at her desk, sipping coffee. Her face lights up when she sees us.
“Hello, Cruiser and Lex. Please come in.”
I notice two chairs in front of her desk. There’s usually only one.
“Hey, Ms. Carter.” Lex slides into one of the chairs. I plop down in the other.
“It’s so good to see you again, Lex,” Carter says. “How are you?”
“I’m great.” Lex lays her head on my shoulder. “I’m really happy.”
“I’m so glad to hear that. And how is your family?”
“We’re doing…okay,” she says. Her words hang in the air. Even though her family is in a much better place than they were a year ago, there’s still a lot going on. “But I’m here for Cruiser,” she says.
Carter nods. “You’re welcome to drop by whenever you need.”
Lex nods.
Carter locks her hands together. Her eyes land on me. “So, Cruiser. What brings you to my office this morning?”
My gaze moves to Lex. She gives me a sweet, reassuring smile.
I shift in my chair. Damn, Carter seriously needs to take her students’ asses into consideration. “I have nightmares.”
Carter nods encouragingly.
“Yeah. So they’re messing with my life.”
She nods again. “I’m glad you were able to admit it. That’s the first step. Recognizing you have a problem.”
“I don’t have a problem. Just nightmares.”
She holds out her hands. “I’m sorry. You’re right. You don’t have a problem. Just nightmares.”
I’ve got no clue if this woman is being condescending or trying to make me more comfortable. Now I’m wondering if it was a good idea to come. It was brought on by the look on Lex’s face last night. The terror she had buried in her eyes. I don’t want her to have to deal with this. That’s why I decided to speak to Carter. I realized that my damn nightmares don’t only affect me. Lex is now involved, too.
She squeezes my hand.
“Tell me about the nightmares, Cruiser,” Carter says.
My eyes move to Lex.
“It’s okay,” she says.
I tap my foot. “I’m on my bike. Jake and his jack—I mean, Jake and his buddies—are in the car next to me. Except, the car looks different. It’s red and has devil horns.” I shift in my seat. “So they knock into me. Just like it really happened. But instead of beating the living shit—I mean, the living hell—out of me, they hit Rey.” I look at Lex before dropping my gaze to the floor. “Sometimes, it’s not Rey. It’s Lex.”
I hear Lex suck in a deep breath. Her hand tightens on mine. So tight I feel it get numb.
I stand. “No, this was a mistake.”
“I can handle it, Cruiser. You have to stop trying to protect me all the time.”
“Please sit down, Cruiser,” Carter says.
I do. Lex’s hand immediately slides into mine.
Carter leans forward. “So in your dreams, you’re not the one getting attacked.”
I shake my head. “It used to be me. But lately…Jake’s jacka—buddies—hold me in place while Jake…” My eyes snap closed. I can’t say the rest. For the past few days, I had to see the same thing over and over in my head almost every night. My sweet T. Rex on the ground. Covered in blood, the life seeping out of her. Rey’s body all bent and broken, his eyes empty and cold.
The room is so silent I bet the people next door can hear my heartbeat.
Carter picks up a pen and starts scribbling in my file. I fall back in my seat and am about to fold my arms across my chest. But I have only one arm. So I just sit back, my eyes glued on the pen that’s moving vigorously across the paper.
“I didn’t know,” Lex whispers to me. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
I give her a weak smile. It feels good to open up to her. Makes me feel closer to her.
Carter finally stops writing and looks at me. “What do you think the nightmares mean?”
I shrug.
“Come on, Cruiser. I know you know.”
I pull my gaze from her and look at my shoes. “I’m scared Jake and his asshole friends—” Carter winces—“will come back. But they won’t hurt me.” I shake my head. “I’m worried they’ll come after the people I love.”
Again, it’s so quiet I bet the people next door can hear my heavy breathing.
Carter leans forward. “That’s a great revelation, Cruiser. And probably what is haunting you every night.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t want to face your fears consciously. You move on with your life, shoving away the thoughts and worries clawing at your mind. But you can’t stop them from surfacing at night.”
I look at Lex. See her whole face pinched with concern.
My eyes move back to Carter. “I know he’s not allowed anywhere near me. But he’s got friends. I’m worried he might want to hurt me again. But this time, he’ll go after Rey or Lex.” I shrug. “I guess that’s stupid.”
“Not at all,” both Carter and Lex say.
“That’s perfectly natural,” Carter says.
“So how do I fix it?”
“There’s no easy fix. You just need to acknowledge your fears. And you need to make peace with them.”
“You need to believe and trust that Rey and I will be fine,” Lex says. “You can’t go around worrying all the time that at any minute, one of Jake’s friends will pounce on us. We’ll be okay.” She looks at Carter. “It’s like you told me that I can’t carry the guilt of Rosie’s accident in my heart for the rest of my life. Because it will consume me and I will never know true happiness.”
Carter nods. “Lex is right, Cruiser. If you live in a constant state of panic, you won’t really be living.”
I massage my thumb over Lex’s knuckles. “I don’t know what I’d do with myself if something were to happen to you. I know it’s cliché and maybe anti-feminist, but I feel like I need to protect you. I’ve felt that all my life, and after the accident.” I look away. “I feel like I let you down after the accident. Because I couldn’t help you heal. Didn’t know how. I couldn’t protect your heart.”
Tears slip out of Lex’s eyes. She quickly wipes them away.
Carter starts writing in that damn file.
“I know you’re strong, T. Rex. But I don’t want you to have to be strong all the time. I want to be strong for you.” I look away again. “I probably sound as lame as hell.”
“No.” She shakes her head, wiping more tears. “It’s sweet and romantic. I want to be strong for you, too.”
I glance at Carter. She’s no longer writing, but she’s studying us. Maybe to see what a messed-up relationship we have. But no, I know that’s not true. She knows the two of us can handle this. She knows we’re capable of talking freely about the way we feel. She wants to give us the chance to do this ourselves.
“I never lov
ed someone so much before,” I say. My mind tells me to shut up. I’m baring my soul here. But I want Lex to know this. I want to have a healthy relationship with her. The greatest one in the world. “I guess it’s like…I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to protect you and make sure no harm comes your way. When I hurt you, it feels like I’m stabbing my own heart with the sharpest blade in the world. When you laugh, I feel like the entire planet is dancing. When you cry, it hurts. Here.” I touch my heart. “I don’t want to cause you any pain. I don’t know how I can be open with you the way you want me to be if I’m scared to hurt you.”
Lex’s tears don’t stop. She wipes them away, laughing like she’s embarrassed. “Sorry,” she says to Carter.
“It’s okay.” She motions to the tissue box sitting on her desk.
Lex wipes her eyes, then turns to me. “I understand how you feel, Cruiser. I feel the same way. It’s like what you told me the other day: it’s okay if we hurt each other. Because it shows how much we care about each other, how much we mean to each other. And it’s the only way we can have a close, loving relationship. If we pretend to be happy and perfect all the time, we’ll just be living a lie.”
I nod. She’s right about that. The last thing I want is to live a lie.
“We’ll be together for the rest of our lives, Cruiser. We will go through many things. We’ll fight a lot. We might have some hardships. Life is hard—we know that. But we can get through everything. I know we can.”
“I know we can, too.”
Lex looks at Carter, seeming a little embarrassed. “Um, should we be talking about this privately?”
She shakes her head. “You can continue here with me if you want or you can talk privately. Whatever you choose. You two are doing great. Open communication is very important in a relationship.”
“So my nightmares will stop?” I ask.
“I don’t think they’ll go away that quickly, I’m afraid. But as long as you don’t hold things in and are open with Lex, I’m sure they’ll start to go away.”
I nod. That’s good enough. I can be open with her. I want to be. I don’t want to hold things in anymore. Now that I know what I’m worried about deep down, I might be able to overcome it. As long as I communicate what I’m feeling with my T. Rex.
“There’s, um…” Lex bites her lip as her eyes move to Carter. “One other thing I think we need to discuss with you.” She looks at me.
I raise an eyebrow.
“The Navy.”
“Lex—” I start.
“We should talk to her about it, Cruiser. We need to talk about it.”
I’m about to disagree, tell her we can figure things out by ourselves. But she’s right. We do need someone to help us figure out what’s the best thing for us. As a couple. It’s no longer about what I want, what’s best for me—no matter how many times Lex says it is. Because she’s my life. She’s my past, my present, and my future.
“What about the Navy?” Carter asks.
“It’s been his dream to join ever since he was ten.”
“Dreams change. Lex is my dream now. Screw the Navy.”
“I know you don’t mean that anymore, Cruise. The Navy means everything to you.”
“Not anymore. I don’t even have my ship. Maybe it was a sign.”
Lex’s mouth falls open. “I can’t believe you’re saying that. It hurts to hear you say that.”
Shit. Now I feel like crap.
The bell rings.
Carter closes my folder. “I see we have a lot more to talk about. Can the two of you stop by tomorrow morning, first period?”
We both nod.
“Things got a bit heated. Please leave it alone for now, okay? I don’t want you two to argue about it. We’ll pick up where we left off tomorrow.”
We both stand. I reach for Lex’s hand. Squeeze it to let her know we’re okay. That I don’t want this to cause any conflict between us.
“I’m really glad you two decided to talk to me,” Carter says. “You’re both great kids who truly love each other. It’s rare to find that at your age. Hold on to it because it’s something very special.”
Lex gazes up at me, her eyes shining with that undying love she has for me. I don’t care that we’re in Carter’s office. I lock an arm around her waist, yank her to my chest, and plant a passionate kiss on her lips. I feel her body soften against me.
“Okay,” Carter says. “Get out of here before I have no choice but to report you to VP Rayer.”
I step back from Lex, releasing her. I give Carter a cocky grin. “Your fault.”
She laughs, then shoos us away with her hands.
Lex takes my hand as we head to our lockers. Swings it. “I’m very proud of you. You were open with your feelings. I didn’t think I could feel any closer to you than I already did. But I do.”
“Thanks. I feel the same.” Peering to my right and left to make sure no teacher is looking, I give her another passionate kiss. Feel her once again melt against me.
When the bell rings again, we reluctantly pull apart. “I’ll help you carry your books to your next class,” Lex says.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lex
My parents are out on a date. I was so surprised when they asked me to look after Rosie when I came home from school. They haven’t been out on a romantic date in weeks. I’m so happy I can sing until I lose my voice.
Things are still a little strained between them—some nights I hear them arguing in hushed whispers about Jamie’s procedure and what it means in regards to Rosie—but the fact that they’re spending time together shows that we’re not going to have a repeat of what happened last year. My parents want to work on their relationship.
Rosie’s in the middle of doing her homework on the living room couch. I’m sitting next to her with my computer. I opened a Google page a few minutes ago, but I have no idea what I’m looking for exactly. I twist my lips, then raise my fingers over the keys. I type “Repairing a model cruiser ship” in the search bar.
Cruiser’s comment in Ms. Carter’s office lit a fire inside me. I don’t want him to give up on the Navy because his ship was destroyed. It’s not a sign. It was an accident. I refuse to let him give up.
I guess we’ll talk about it tomorrow morning in Ms. Carter’s office. I’m nervous about it, of getting everything out there in the open. I know what I want the conclusion to be, but I’m not sure Cruiser will agree with me. I need to push my own feelings and hopes aside and support him with whatever he chooses.
No matter what, I still want to find a way to repair his cruiser ship. Even if he doesn’t join the Navy, I know it’s important to him. I just don’t know if there’s a way to fix it. A few days ago, I searched online for a replacement model, but I couldn’t find any. Maybe there’s nothing I can do.
“What are you doing?” Rosie stretches her neck, trying to get a glimpse of the Google page. “Why are you researching cruiser ships?”
“Cruiser’s ship broke.”
Her eyes widen. “What?”
I nod. “I thought I could find a way to repair it or a replace it, but I don’t know.”
“Can I help?”
“Sure.” I slide the computer onto her lap. “You’re the internet whiz.”
She starts typing different things into the search bar, then clicks on link after link. She’s going so fast that I grow dizzy. “Here.” She faces the computer to me. “You see this? I think they repair model ships.”
“Really?” I take the laptop and scan the website. It’s a small store that specializes in repairing model ships. “How did you find this?”
She has a proud smile on her face. “Because I’m awesome.”
I hug her. “You are more than awesome! I think we might be able to fix Cruiser’s ship. He’ll be so happy. I’m going to call Rey. Thanks so much!” I kiss her cheek.
She makes a face as she wipes it.
I text Rey, asking if I can call him. I tell him that w
e need to speak in private because I don’t want Cruiser to overhear. He tells me Cruiser is in his room listening to music. Perfect. I dial Rey.
“Hey,” he says. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I want to talk to you about Cruiser’s ship.”
“Oh.” The guilt in his voice can practically swallow both our houses.
“I think I found someone who can repair it. But I want to talk to you about it first. Do you know anything about model ships? I mean, I don’t know if I can trust the guy.”
“Hmm. Well, to be honest, the ship looks beyond repair.”
I feel my heart deflate like a balloon. “You want to give up just like that?”
He sighs. “No. I don’t know anything about model ships, though.”
“Can you talk to your grandparents? I’ll send you the link of the website I found. Please, Rey. I really want to do this for Cruiser. He’s been devastated ever since he lost his ship. He won’t join the Navy.”
“It’s not because of his ship. It’s because of…” He voice trails off.
“I know,” I say, my heart constricting. “Because of me.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds. “I don’t want to get involved in this. You guys gotta figure it out. But if my opinion is worth anything, I think you shouldn’t pressure him to join.”
Shock shoots throughout my body. “What? I thought you were always on board with his dream to join the Navy.”
“Dunno. It was always so far away…”
“So you’re saying that because it’s a reality now, you don’t want him to join?”
“C’mon, do you really want to see him months at a time? Months, Lex.”
Tears start to gather in my eyes. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is. Cruiser and I…we’ll figure it out.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to my grandparents and let you know what they think.”
