by Dee J. Stone
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I blink and force a smile. “Nothing. You’re just one handsome young man.” I do the last button and step back. “We can’t forget the hat.” I tuck it over his head. Then I move back and study him. My breath catches in my throat. He looks good. Really good.
He twists his body from right to left. “So how ridiculous do I look?”
“You look far from ridiculous. You are the most handsome Navy captain to have walked this Earth.”
He heads over to the mirror and stops short. I see the way his eyes widen in disbelief, his jaw slowly falling open. “I do look good,” he murmurs. “Except for my missing arm.”
I come up from behind him and slide my hand up his chest. I press a long kiss on the side of his neck. “That’s you in twenty years.”
“No.” He pushes away from me. “I knew this would happen.”
“I don’t want to fight. Please, let’s not talk about this.”
He cups my cheek. “Okay, darlin’. I’m sorry.” He faces the mirror again. “I do look hot, though.”
“Cocky bastard.”
He chuckles, then he touches his hair. “This will have to be chopped off.”
I step closer to him and comb my fingers through the silky hair I love so much. “You’re right. I forgot about that.”
“Damn, I’ll look like Rey.” He moans. “I love my hair.”
“I love it, too.”
“Good enough excuse not to join.”
I give him a look. He lowers his eyes.
“You like it?” I ask.
“Hmm?”
“What you see in the mirror. Do you like it?”
He raises his eyes to his reflection and studies himself. I wait patiently as his gaze moves from the top of his hat to the bottom of his pants. After a few seconds, he says in a very soft voice, “Yeah. I like it a lot.”
That’s all I needed to hear. It’s all he needed to hear, too.
“Can I take a picture?” I ask.
He nods.
At first, his poses are very stiff. But after a few shots, he starts goofing around and making funny faces and poses, taking advantage of his lack of arm. Then he calls for Rey to take a picture of both of us. As soon as Rey walks in, he freezes. He whistles. “Holy fuck. You look exactly like Gramps in those old pictures.”
“Nah,” Cruiser says.
“I’m dead serious.”
“Tell him he looks good,” I say.
Rey grins. “You look very pretty.”
Cruiser makes a move to punch him, but Rey dodges. “I’m gonna go get a picture of when Gramps just made captain. Be back.” He dashes out of the room.
I put my arm around Cruiser again and kiss his cheek. I feel so proud of him. I know how ridiculous that is because it’s not like he actually made captain—he’s not even in the Navy. But I know that if he really, truly wants it, he’ll make it happen. When Cruiser puts his mind to something, nothing can stop him. I’m proud of the person he’s becoming.
He keeps looking at his reflection, too. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I guess I was wrong when I told Rosie I know what goes on in Cruiser’s head. But from what I can observe, I know he feels proud of himself, too. Just two years ago, he was on a downward path. Now he’s a few steps closer to becoming part of the Navy, at least I hope he chooses to join. I kiss his cheek again.
Rey returns, waving a photo in the air. “I was right. You can look like twins.”
Cruiser and I study the picture. Wow, Rey wasn’t exaggerating. Cruiser looks almost identical to his grandfather. He’s obviously much older than seventeen, but they still look pretty similar.
“Holy hell,” Cruiser says.
“Here’s one when he’s in his first sailor uniform,” Rey says. “You’ll probably look like just like him when you wear yours for the first time.”
Cruiser swallows hard.
“You gotta send Gran and Gramps a pic,” Rey says.
“No, I don’t think—”
“They’ll be so stoked, Cruise.”
“Yeah, I think it would make them really happy,” I say.
“Yeah, Gramps did give you his uniforms.”
“I don’t even know if I’m gonna join,” Cruiser says.
Rey looks at me. I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. I know it’ll still make them happy.”
“Stand together,” Rey says, holding up his phone. “Go on. And make sure to look in love.”
“I don’t want to hurt my grandfather,” Cruiser says as I wrap my arm around his middle. “I don’t want to give him false hope.”
“He knows the decision is up to you,” I say. “And he’ll support you no matter what. And I will, too.”
Cruiser’s eyes search mine. I see the love he has for me buried in them. He takes hold of my chin and gives me a sweet kiss on the lips. Then he wraps his good arm around me and faces Rey. “Make us look hot.”
We do all different kinds of poses, and really get into it. Cruiser even dips me a few times, despite his bad arm. Then we scroll through the pictures. Once again, I get a glimpse of what my life would look like if Cruiser chooses to join the Navy. Me standing next to my boyfriend or husband in his Navy uniform. Missing each other so much when he’s overseas and not keeping our hands off each other when he returns. The proud look on my face, with a small hint of pain and longing. Tears prick my eyes. No, I can do it. We can do it. If this is something Cruiser really wants, I’ll do anything I can to make his dreams come true. No matter how hard it’ll be.
“This one looks great.” Cruiser points to a shot where our bodies are turned toward each other, nearly fused together, as though we’re showing the world that the two of us are one and belong together for eternity. But I think the reason Cruiser likes this one is because of the expressions on our faces. We look blissfully in love.
“I love it,” I say.
“Makes me want to puke,” Rey grumbles.
“Send it,” Cruiser says.
Rey taps on his phone. “Hey, Gran and Gramps,” he says as he texts. “Cruiser was bored today and decided to try on your uniform. Doesn’t he look pretty? But don’t worry. This doesn’t mean he’s gonna join. Lex just wanted you to see what a stud he is.”
“Rey—”
“Sent.”
“What a lame message.”
Rey grins, showing all of his teeth.
“I’m gonna seriously mess you up once my arm is healed.”
“Let’s see you try. Later, losers.” He heads for the door.
“Rey,” I call.
He turns around.
“Do you want to go on a double date with Melody and us?”
Rey’s eyes move to Cruiser. “Less pressure,” Cruiser says.
Rey rubs the back of his neck. “Uh…sure. That’ll be cool.”
His phone beeps and he unlocks the screen. He chuckles. “Gran says you’re one fine young man. Gramps says you’ll make one hell of a sailor. They say they’re really proud of you.”
Cruiser’s face flushes. I know he’s trying to fight the pleased grin crawling onto his face. He squares his shoulders. “Whatever. Please help me out of this getup, Lex.”
Rey holds out his hands. “If clothes are being removed, I think that’s my clue to leave. I’ll close the door to give you two privacy.”
Cruiser grabs a notebook off his desk and flings it at Rey’s retreating body. But Rey quickly closes the door, and the notebook hits it instead.
“Your notes,” I say.
“Was a good cause.” He walks over and sweeps it off the floor. “It’s still in one piece.”
When he’s back at my side, I put my hands on his chest and gaze into his eyes. “Cruiser, I just want you to know that I’m really proud of you. That I admire you and look up to you. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Whether you decide to follow your dream and join the Navy or not, I’ll back you up no matter what. I just want you to be happy.”
He place
s his hand over mine. “Thanks, T. Rex. That means a lot.”
I brush my lips against his, then help him undress.
***
Yells force my eyes to shoot open. I jump up in bed and realize the room is pitch-black. The screams are coming from the person next to me.
“Cruiser?” I touch his arm. He’s ice-cold and trembling. “Cruiser!” I shake him.
He continues to scream.
I reach to turn on the lamp. He’s drenched in sweat, trembling uncontrollably, and is now whimpering. I grab both his arms and shake him. “Cruiser, wake up!”
His eyes snap open. He lies there, frozen, unblinking, his body continuing to quake. I lower myself on him, resting my forehead against his and clutching him tight. “Cruiser.” He’s still as cold as ice, his heart racing so fast I fear it might explode. “It’s okay,” I say softly, stroking his cheek. “It was just a dream.”
Slowly, he starts moving. He blinks a few times and his arm comes around me. “Shit.” His breathing is heavy.
He’s still shaking. I get up and rummage in his closet for a blanket. Then I wrap him in it and hold him against my chest. He tucks his head between my neck and shoulder, continuing to breathe heavily.
When I glance at the time, I realize it’s past midnight. Cruiser and I must have fallen asleep watching that romantic comedy that was anything but funny. I softly run my fingers through his hair as his shaking starts to die down and his breathing sounds like it’s getting back to normal.
He doesn’t lift his head off me for some time. I hold him and rock him, rubbing my hands down his back. It seems to soothe him. When he raises his head and looks into my eyes, I see how haunted his are. He blinks a few times and mumbles, “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“This.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.”
He shuffles away from me, letting the blanket drop to the floor. He’s still shaking, but it’s not as bad as before. I crawl onto his lap and wrap my arms around the back of his neck, forcing him to look into my eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He averts his eyes from mine and doesn’t say anything.
“Cruiser.”
He wraps his arm around me and gently slides me off his lap. He gets to his feet, shoving his hand through his tangled hair. “Sorry. I’m just gonna go to the bathroom.”
He marches out the door.
I hug my knees to my chest as the memories of what happened only a few moments ago skip around in my mind. I’ve never heard Cruiser scream like that. He’s having nightmares because of the attack? I wish he told me. He’s probably been dealing with this for days.
When he returns, his hands are no longer shaking, but he looks pretty spooked. “Cruiser, come.” I pat the space next to me on his bed. He lowers himself and I enclose my arms around him. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah.” There’s a slight tremor in his voice.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Are you sure? It seemed like a big deal.”
He puffs out some air, but doesn’t say anything.
“How long has this been happening? Since…?”
He nods.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s cool.”
“It’s not, Cruiser.”
“I’m okay.”
I bury my face in his chest. “Why won’t you talk to me about them? I love you so much. It hurts to see you in pain and be helpless to do anything.”
He puffs out some air again. “I don’t want you to worry about me, Lex.”
“I’m worrying more about the fact that you’re having nightmares and are not talking to me about them.”
“Darlin’—”
“How often does it happen?”
“Not often.”
“Cruiser.”
“Maybe every third night.”
I sigh. “Cruiser.”
“It’s no big deal. I just brush it off and move on.”
I lift my head and gaze into his eyes. “This is why you haven’t been getting much sleep.”
He shrugs.
“Cruiser, please stop trying to be so brave. You don’t have to be that way in front of me. You know that.”
He cups my cheek. “I know, T. Rex. You and Rey are the only people I feel like I could open up to. But this whole nightmare crap is an inconvenience. It’ll go away soon, I’m sure.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you’re traumatized.”
“Traumatized? Nah, no.”
“The attack was a big deal. You could have died.”
He tears his gaze away from me. “I wasn’t that messed up.”
“You could have bled to death. But it doesn’t matter how severe your injuries were. The point is that four guys attacked you. It was a horrific and terrifying thing to go through.”
“I can handle my emotions.”
I clutch the front of his shirt. “Cruiser, please.”
He looks into my eyes and must see how much love and concern I have for him because his face softens. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to shut you out. I just can’t…I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to drag you into all of this.”
“I want to be dragged in.”
He rakes his hand through his hair. His fingers get tangled in some of the knots. “Carter guessed I was having nightmares.”
“Did you talk to her about it?”
He shakes his head. “I felt like she was invading my privacy.”
“Carter’s good, Cruise. She helped me after Rosie’s accident.”
His hand balls into a fist. “I just can’t…I don’t want to deal with this.”
I put my hand on his, flattening it out so his palm rests on his knee. “I know. But you need to. Or else you’ll never be able to move on.”
He puffs out some air again. Then his eyes trek to mine. He caresses my cheek. “Will you come with me to Carter’s? It might help if you’re there with me.”
I rest my hand over his that’s on my cheek. “Of course.”
He hooks his arm around me and holds me against his chest, kissing the top of my head. I’m relieved that his heart is beating at a normal pace. I feel terrible for not being there for him in regards to his nightmares. I know he didn’t tell me, but maybe I should have figured it out. Cruiser has always been more open with me than he was with other people, but ever since we’ve become a couple, he tries to avoid certain subjects because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He just loves me too much. I’m glad he’s willing to speak to Carter about it. Hopefully, he’ll be able to move past this and finally put the attack behind him.
I get up. “I want to tuck you in.”
He stares at me. “What? I’m not a little kid.”
“So what? Can I, please?”
“Okay.”
I lift his crumpled blanket and spread it over the bed, then fold half of it back. Cruiser climbs in and I cover him up to his chin. I sit on the corner of his bed and stare down at him. “I love you, my Cruiser.” I bend forward to kiss him. Just as I’m about to pull away, Cruiser closes his hand around the back of my head and forces my lips to remain on his. They move over mine almost savage-like, like he desperately needs my touch or he won’t survive. But he’s not hurting me.
When he finally lets go, I study his face and see he looks much more relaxed. “My T. Rex’s kisses will cure anything,” he murmurs.
I laugh as I brush some damp hair away from his forehead. “I wish I could stay the night, but my mom will kill me. She probably sent me a million texts.” My phone is in my bag that’s somewhere in this room, and I have no desire to look for it.
“I wish you could stay, too.”
I rummage around on his bed until I find Helga tucked between the wall and his pillow. I raise his good arm and slide her underneath it. “Keep her close, okay? She’ll use her magic powers to h
elp you fall asleep.”
He squeezes her to his chest. “When I hug her, I’ll imagine hugging you.”
“Okay. Just don’t make out with her. That might be a bit weird.”
He chuckles softly.
I brush some more hair away from his forehead. “Good night, Cruiser. If you need me, just text me, okay? I don’t mind being woken up.”
He shakes his head. “I’d never interrupt you from your beauty sleep.”
“I mean it. I’m here for you whenever you need me. Okay?”
It looks like he wants to argue, but he must see the I-mean-business expression on my face because he nods. “Thanks, darlin’.”
I lean forward to press a kiss on his forehead. “Good night, Cruiser.”
“’Night, T. Rex.”
“Do you want me to leave the light on?”
He nods.
I kiss my fingers, then press them on his lips. He puts his hand over mine, keeping them in place, and gives my fingers some small kisses. We stare at each other for what feels like eternity but must only be a few seconds before I get up. Once I locate my bag, I turn to leave.
“Lex?” Cruiser calls when I’m at the door.
I look back.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cruiser
I pace in front of the gym as I wait for Lex to finish with practice. Yeah, I’m nervous. Nervous as hell to pour out my heart in Carter’s office. Not that I have a problem with sharing my thoughts and feelings with Lex—she’s the closest person in my life, other than Rey. I guess I’m worried about what I might learn. That maybe the attack fucked me up in more ways than I thought. That maybe I can never be the same guy I used to be. I thought once my cast comes off, I’ll be back to the guy I was before the attack. But last night made me realize that it might not be the case. I’ve got all this shit in my head that I need to sort out.
I spoke to Carter a few minutes ago. Asked if it was okay that I meet with her and that I bring Lex. She was more than thrilled. I love Lex for agreeing to come in with me. It’s not just that I’ll feel more at ease with the love of my life supporting and encouraging me. It’s more than that. I want her to know what’s in my heart and mind. I want her to understand me without my having to worry about hurting or worrying her. I don’t want to see her beautiful expressive eyes fill with sadness and unease. I don’t want her to have to carry my problems in her heart. How do other couples deal with it? I know Lex is not some delicate flower and is strong enough to handle my shit—she can handle anything. But I don’t want to cause her any heartache.
