“Oh my God,” I said, letting out a laugh. “Where did you get this?”
“One of the crew guys,” she said like it was no big deal. “Do you smoke weed?”
“I mean, I haven’t in a while,” I said, taking the paraphernalia from her and looking at it. “But I’m down. I’ll smoke with you.”
I pushed the joint between my lips and flicked a flame onto the lighter without much trouble. Lighting the joint, I took a small puff as I handed the lighter back to her.
“I’m a bad influence on you,” said Kelsie with a devilish grin. When she said this I wanted to laugh but had a lungful of smoke, causing me to make a little stifled giggle sound with my lips. Then I exhaled a cloud of white smoke slowly, aiming it away from Kelsie.
“Stop,” I said, wiping at my lips and passing her the joint. “You’re ridiculous.”
I hadn’t really smoked much pot for a number of years. I dated this girl Melissa for a while, maybe five years ago or so, who was a huge pothead and I sort of got into it for a while with her. But in recent years I didn’t do it because I didn’t know anybody else who smoked and I really didn’t enjoy doing it alone. I had nothing against it, it’s way less bad than alcohol, it just hadn’t been on my radar for some years.
Kelsie and I continued sharing the little rollie, passing it back and forth, cracking jokes and giggling together. I quickly began feeling a bit loopy, more relaxed, kind of just melting there into the backseat of my car. The breeze from the Lake felt even more comforting than usual, the sun pretty much gone from view. I watched as Kelsie popped a few grapes from the front seat into her mouth, then sitting back next to me, planting her butt right up against me so we were thigh to thigh. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so good.
After the joint had ended, my body pleasantly tingling, and after our convivial back and forth, Kelsie and I once more ended up in one another’s arms, lips together, warmly melding into each other. I don’t know if it was the arousal or the pot, but my heart was racing. It was probably a mixture of both. My body began going slack and Kelsie took the lead, leaning into me, she herself giving the obvious signs that she was super into this. And I gave myself to her. If I meditated too hard on how great I felt, I knew I would cry, so instead I just happily enjoyed the desirous experience, smiling through our kisses.
Kelsie’s lips moved down to my neck, which she lovingly kissed, sometimes proffering little suckles on my flesh but not so deep that she might leave a mark. I heard a moan come from my mouth as my head drifted back, opening up my neck for her taking.
“You’re so amazing,” I cooed in a bit of a slur. I felt really good at that point from the weed. My mind drifted back to my times with Melissa the pothead and I recalled how much I loved stoned sex. Really, if you haven’t tried it you’re definitely missing out.
I felt Kelsie’s hand move to the button on my shorts which she adroitly unfastened, loosening the waistband and inspiring a drawn out sigh from my lips.
“Is this okay?” Kelsie asked in a whisper between kisses on my neck.
“Mm, yes,” I moaned. I draped my arm around her shoulder and widened my legs. Kelsie then dropped her fingers into my shorts and began to massage me through the thin fabric of my panties, all while focusing her lips on my neck.
It had all become a happy blur. I could feel my arousal mounting, my wetness growing, my eagerness amplifying. The night had set upon us, the stars hanging visible in that huge clear sky. I could almost taste the water, I could almost feel the sand under my toes. I held tightly to Kelsie as I felt her hand move from the outside of my panties to the inside, caressing me firmly, her palm brushing up against my fur. I readjusted my butt, squirming just slightly, to give Kelsie better access. I felt our lips meet once again and I greedily kissed her.
Her fingers entered me, pushing into my moist fullness. I was absolutely dizzy with ardor. As Kelsie slowly, steadily, easily penetrated me with two fingers, pressing in slowly and pulling out just as slow, I felt like putty. I felt the pressure and then the release. It had been so long since someone else had touched me that the emotions came pouring in like a monster wave.
“That’s really nice,” I whispered into Kelsie’s ear as she evenly and effortlessly slipped her digits inside of me. I maintained my grip on her as I felt my belly tighten and then let go.
“I wish I was kissing you,” Kelsie murmured. I understood what she meant.
“I wish I was fucking you,” I responded without thinking. But when I said this, when this remark left my mouth, my body responded in kind. Everything felt just one plane of arousal higher. I felt radiant.
I was ravenous and ready.
The next morning I woke up in the Hotel Champlain, laying there in bed next to Kelsie. Both of us were completely naked, covered only by a mess of thin sheets. I felt groggy and tired but my body was impossibly relaxed, like I had just melted into the bed. I tried to remember what had happened the night previous. It all came back in pieces but the puzzle wasn’t that difficult to assemble. Kelsie and I had continued our romance from the beach to the hotel and we had spent the late evening pleasuring each other until we both collapsed in fulfilled exhaustion. From what I could remember, it was a pretty amazing romp.
But I couldn’t help but feel a little weird, probably a bit of a hangover from the joint we smoked together. Now that I was sobering up, I felt uneasy as I played the tape over in my head. Did Kelsie ply me with pot to get into my pants? Smoking made me nostalgic for love I had in the past and I probably let myself go easier than I might otherwise done. Still, as I looked over at Kelsie, I felt totally enamored with her. She wouldn’t have had to ply me with anything to get me to go to bed with her. Just a smile would have done it.
I just didn’t know what to expect out of these Hollywood people. I was still unsure, skeptical, almost worried. Worried that for Kelsie this was just a promiscuous thing she liked to do when in a new place to shoot a movie. She was pretty free-spirited after all and with that attitude came loose legs. Like, what if after the movie was done filming and they all packed up, Kelsie just gave me a hug, a peck on the cheek, and a thank you, never to be heard from again. I didn’t want that. I felt a bit too fragile to handle that kind of experience at this point in my life.
Rolling over, I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table and noticed that it was nearing 7AM. Kelsie had her call to set shortly, I knew that, and I figured since I was already in the hotel that I should probably get down to the desk and start my shift. A queasiness moved through my stomach and I tried not to think about this notion that Kelsie could be using me. I didn’t want it to be true.
I slipped out of bed and looked around on the floor for my clothing. Taking up my panties from the carpet, I deftly slid them up my legs and bobbled back and forth as I positioned them in their proper place. I felt tender between my thighs, in a very reminiscent way, and I reached down to give my fur a gentle rub through the fabric of my panties. As I searched around for my other clothes, I saw Kelsie roll over in bed, open her eyes up, and offer me a smile.
“Hey,” she said sweetly, a bit dopey with sleep confusion. “Where are you going?”
“It’s almost 7,” I said, threading my arms through my bra. “I think we both need to get down to the lobby soon.”
“Right,” she said with a yawn. Kelsie stretched out in bed, the sheet falling off of her torso to expose her chest. I couldn’t help but stare at her pale breasts, perfectly pert, each dotted with a small nipple, a sprinkling of light freckles above them. I had a flashback to last night and it inspired a delicate tingle within me.
I really didn’t want to have my heart broken.
“I need to sneak out of here,” I said. “I don’t think it would look very good to my boss if I was caught coming out of a guest’s room.” This gave Kelsie a laugh.
“C’mon,” she said, lazily running her palm over one of her breasts. “No one will care. I doubt any one would even catch you.”
“Yea
h,” I said. “Apart from all your movie people running around the hall, getting ready to head off to the shoot this morning.”
“Hmm,” said Kelsie, giving it a thought with a half smile on her face. “I suppose you’re right!”
“I’m just glad we didn’t sleep in too late,” I said, shimmying my shorts up and fastening the button. I then grabbed my shirt and began putting it on.
“You’re so quick to leave,” hummed Kelsie wistfully. “Didn’t you have a fun time?”
“Of course,” I said, sliding over to the table in my bare feet to grab my bag. “But I gotta go get dressed for work and get down to the desk.”
“How about a quickie?” asked Kelsie with a devilish grin. She flipped the blanket off of her body to reveal her nudity, writhing there seductively into the wrinkled sheets. This stopped me in my tracks and I gazed over at her. She was so absolutely stunning. Her body pale but lightly reddened from the sun, the fur between her legs matching the redness of the hair on her head, her expression joyous and desirous and comforting all at the same time. I tell you, I indeed wanted to jump back into bed with her and kiss every inch of her. I wanted to feel her lips against me, I wanted to feel the flick of her tongue.
But I wrestled it. I felt the pangs of anxiety, some little voice inside telling me that this was just a mirage. It was but a whirlwind tryst that would all come to an end as soon as Kelsie had completed in her charge in my little town. I was just a diversion for her.
“I really should go,” I said.
“Fine,” she said, her face contorting into a pout. “How about tonight? Do you want to hang out again?”
“I can’t,” I lied. “I have some work to do at home.”
“Tomorrow?” asked Kelsie eagerly. “Tomorrow is Saturday and I’ve got a free day. Maybe we could spend the whole day together?”
“Maybe,” I said. “I’ll see you downstairs.”
“All right,” said Kelsie with a hint of sadness in her voice. I gave her a small smile, feeling rather worked up inside at the sight of her naked body there on the bed, inviting me in if I so desired, but my own confusion overtook me and I walked to the door and stepped into my sandals. It was bittersweet. I probably could have just lounged in bed with her all day.
“Later,” I said, slowly opening the door, leaning my head out to see if anybody would catch me coming out.
“Later,” said Kelsie, frowning just a little. I hadn’t really seen that kind of expression on her face up to that point.
But I left anyway. I left even through it hurt my heart to go. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just thinking too much, too many weird thoughts moving through my head, too many ‘what ifs’ or second guesses. I was a mess.
Shutting the door behind me, seeing that the coast was clear, I quickly trotted down the hallway toward the elevator.
I felt foolish for leaving Kelsie in such a hurry, like I had abandoned a good friend or something. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was having a problem trusting her, I guess. I just wasn’t prepared to be hurt. I was already so vulnerable, perhaps a bit more breakable than I should be, that I felt like I had to construct a wall between us, take things a little bit slower maybe, so that if my worst fears came true I could stomach it. But honestly, I didn’t know what I was doing. My mind wavered constantly between deep infatuation and crippling fear.
It made me think of my mother leaving. Like I’ve said, I don’t really blame her. But it still hurt. It was still difficult. I don’t think she ever wanted to be a mother, if I’m being honest with you. She was always kind of a hippie herself, sort of wavy gravy like Kelsie I guess, and when she spotted the opportunity to go live her life like she truly wanted, she took it. Even though I don’t embody this idea myself, I do believe that you only get one shot at this world and you shouldn’t let anybody hold you back from achieving your dreams. Of course, if you build some responsibilities for yourself you should honor those. And I guess my mother honored her’s until I turned 18. But you shouldn’t let the judgments of others keep you from living your own personal truths.
I wish I was more like my mother in that regard. I was I was more like Kelsie. But I was considerably more like my father, a little fearful, a little depressive, a little scared to take risks. My father let life beat him down and instead of rising above it all, he gave in to the drink. Because of him, I didn’t really drink that much. Some champagne sometimes, but never beer or any of the hard stuff. I didn’t want to end up like him. I was already so much like him in other facets of my life, I knew that if I let alcohol get me it would be all over.
My mother, though, she was out living her bliss and I was a bit envious of that. The last picture I saw of her was one of her and her boyfriend bathing naked in some hot spring in Utah. She looked really happy. Maybe she wasn’t the best mother to her daughter, but she was out there doing her thing and I can respect that. No fear, no regret. If there was some switch in my brain that I could flip to think that way, I would do it in an instant. I really just needed a do-over. A fresh start. A new, fearless outlook on life that might lead me to the places I really wanted to go.
I felt that from Kelsie. I really did. I felt the possibility. But I was also so afraid that she would abandon me, that I was just a casual encounter. I didn’t want to be left behind again.
I didn’t really have much to my name. I didn’t have much stuff I cared about. I could probably just pack up a bag and leave town, leave it all behind, just like my mother did. When my mind drifted to these scenarios, I definitely felt for my father. I guess I sort of felt responsible for taking care of him, for taking care of the house, even though I did a crap job at it. One the one hand, I hated being at home. I hated what it all represented to me. But on the other, if I didn’t at least do some stuff around the house, do some grocery shopping, vacuum, it might not get taken care of at all. But it was it all really my responsibility? What was my responsibility to myself?
Kelsie was so magical. So beautiful. So open and lively. I felt like I could follow her anywhere. She was like a muse that inspired me to want more for myself. She removed the fear from me, a little bit at least, and something about her being made me think that everything would be okay. If only I could get over my hangups.
Yes, after I’d left Kelsie there in her room, I felt like a total idiot. I mean, what did I care about so much? Did I really care about being late to work or being seen by someone? Really? Those things are so inconsequential. They’re so minuscule when you’re talking about succumbing to the possibility of love. I didn’t want to use that word but there it is. With Kelsie, the possibility was there and that’s all any of us really want out of this world. Some love, some acceptance, a partner to share it with. And I decided to choose fear over love.
Maybe Kelsie was just some Hollywood girl, flitting into town, picking me to be her plaything, and then wandering off to her next conquest. But you know, maybe she wasn’t. Maybe this was real for her, too. Maybe I was just projecting and her intensions were all virtuous. Maybe my dread was all completely unfounded.
I had to open my heart up just a little bit more. Sometimes you get hurt. But sometimes you end up suffused in loving reward. Could I take that risk?
Kelsie and I pulled into my driveway, the summer sun bearing down on us as we sat buckled into my Jeep, each of us relaxing with easy smiles on our faces as we enjoyed a free Saturday together. Although I had my doubts over her intensions, I was having too much fun, feeling too good when in her presence, that I couldn’t deny any possibility of hanging out with her. If I would just listen to my heart, I’d spend every waking hour with her. It was my mind that was causing me subtle panic. I knew that I would have to talk to her, to air out my feelings and see what she had to say, but I admit that I was a little fearful of what I might find out.
My father owned a pretty large chunk of property here in Champlain, something like 20 acres, that he had inherited from my grandparents, his parents. Luckily it was all paid for with
very little property taxes, so life here was pretty cheap. He could exist on government checks and the money I kicked in to the pot. I wanted to show Kelsie the property, take her for a walk around in the woods, as we had this nice little pond that I often enjoyed sitting near any time I needed a deep think. My only worry is that my father might come off as a weirdo in front of Kelsie. I never brought people over to the house, but that was mostly because I didn’t have any one to bring.
“I just want to apologize in advance,” I said, putting my Jeep into park and looking over at Kelsie in the passenger seat. “For my father. I mean, he drinks too much, all the time really, and he’s just kind of a weird ghost. His friends might be over, I don’t know, but they could just all be on the back porch being idiots.”
“Relax,” said Kelsie grinning. “I’m not going to judge you for what your father does.”
“Thanks,” I said with a wan smile. I felt a bit hurt thinking about my father. At that moment, I felt some pretty intense regret for bringing Kelsie over to my house. “Maybe we should just go somewhere else.”
“No way,” she said. “I want to see this pond you’ve got.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” said Kelsie through a laugh. “Let’s just go.” She reached over and unbuckled her seatbelt, swiftly climbing out of the car. I followed her lead.
The two of us walked together up toward my small house. I honestly felt a little embarrassed by it. I just assumed that Kelsie had a big house in Los Angeles and my very modest house, falling apart in places, might strike her as, you know, impoverished. We didn’t really have very much but at the same time we didn’t need very much. I didn’t want to feel embarrassed by it but I was. I looked over to Kelsie and watched her face as we approached. The smile never left her lips, novel excitement in her face. I wanted to reach over and grab her hand, thread my fingers into hers and give it a squeeze, but I didn’t.
“Are we going to go inside?” asked Kelsie, pointing to the front door.
Hotel Hollywood: A Lesbian Romance Page 7
