Galaxy Patrol

by Jean Ure

  ‘Poison,’ said the captain.

  Rosie made a sound like she was going to be sick. Even I recoiled slightly. But I quickly pulled myself together. Never show fear. It was only a bug, and a small one at that.

  ‘Looks like it’d be pretty easy to crush,’ I said. ‘I bet if you stamped on it, it’d go splat.’

  ‘Oh, it would certainly go splat,’ said the captain. ‘If, that is, you managed to stamp on it before it ran up your leg and disappeared.’

  There was a pause. I looked at Rosie. Rosie looked at me. Why didn’t she say something? She was the one that liked to do all the talking! But Rosie pulled a face, like, go on, then! I cleared my throat.

  ‘W-w-where would it d-d-disappear to?’

  ‘Inside you,’ said the captain. ‘First they sink in their fangs, then they burrow. You probably wouldn’t even be aware it was happening. When the fangs pierce the skin, it has a deadening effect. Once inside, they head for the brain, and that’s it. To all intents and purpose, you become their slave.’

  ‘That sounds good,’ said Rosie. ‘Slave to a bug!’

  All very well, her sounding so jaunty. She’d be the first to scream if she saw one. She nearly has hysterics if a spider walks across the ceiling.

  ‘The fact is,’ said the captain, ‘once these bugs have dug themselves in, they can force you to do whatever they want. Start wars, destroy businesses, just generally cause havoc. It’s their whole reason for being on Earth – to wipe out the population and take over the planet. This is why it’s so vitally important that they should be rooted out.’

  ‘And you want us to do the rooting?’ said Rosie. ‘I don’t think so!’

  ‘Surely there’s got to be some kind of treatment?’ I said. ‘Some kind of tablet people could take? That’s what happened when our cat had worms, we gave her tablets and then she was all right. They’re probably working on it right now.’

  ‘I wish it were the case,’ said the captain. ‘Unfortunately it’s not. Apart from anything else, no one on your world realises that these bugs exist. Not even those who have been taken over by them.’

  ‘So… How d’you get rid of them? You don’t have to kill people?’ I said.

  ‘No, no!’The captain sounded quite shocked. ‘The aim is to destroy the bugs, not the people.’

  ‘And that’s what you want us to do,’ said Rosie. She gave a little snort of laughter. ‘Like we’re the SAS, or something.’

  I wouldn’t actually mind being in the SAS. It is in fact my second ambition, my first one being to join the space programme.

  ‘Rest assured,’ said the captain, ‘the only violence will be to the bugs. Once they have been eliminated, the people quickly return to their normal selves. They don’t even remember being taken over.’

  ‘And you know this how?’ said Rosie.

  ‘Trust me,’ said the captain. ‘I speak from experience. This is far from being our first mission. We have been patrolling this part of the galaxy for over a decade – ever since the bugs started arriving. We know all their nasty little habits. They’re mean, they’re vicious, and they have to be stopped!’

  ‘Hmm.’ Rosie looked at him with narrowed eyes. ‘How can you tell when a person’s been taken over?’

  ‘There are signs. Sudden unexplained changes in behaviour, for example. We keep a close look out. We are constantly checking your news bulletins, computer blogs, anything which might alert us to the possibility.’

  ‘But how can you actually tell?’

  Rosie really knows how to keep at it. But I was quite interested in hearing the answer myself.

  ‘We observe,’ said the captain. ‘We investigate. It’s not always easy. In some cases, it can take several months before we know for sure.’

  ‘You still haven’t said how,’ objected Rosie. She was starting to sound a bit querulous. ‘I mean, someone could just be going mad, in a quite ordinary sort of way. How do you know they’re not just going ordinarily mad?’

  ‘What it comes down to, in the end, is finding physical evidence. Let me show you.’

  The captain tapped again on his wrist, and the back of someone’s head appeared on the screen. Someone with long blond hair covering their neck.

  ‘Watch,’ said the captain. We watched, as a hand snaked across the screen and carefully scooped the hair out of the way. ‘You see that?’ He pointed at a tiny red mark on the back of the neck. ‘That’s the evidence we look for. Let me magnify it.’

  The tiny red mark suddenly became a gaping hole, in the middle of which could be seen the wriggling legs of one of the centipede things. It made me feel peculiar, just looking at it.

  ‘That,’ said the captain, ‘is one we managed to catch as it was burrowing its way in. Nasty little blighters, I think you’ll agree.’

  I saw Rosie’s hand go up to feel her neck. She caught me watching her and immediately pretended to be fiddling with her hair.

  ‘Out of interest,’ said the captain, ‘you might care to see a few of the people we know for sure have been taken over. For instance…’

  A face flashed up on the screen. Blimey! I recognised it as belonging to an MP that Dad particularly hated. Every time the MP opened his mouth, Dad went ballistic and started shouting that the man was an idiot. Now I knew why. He’d been taken over by a bug!

  Another face came up.

  ‘That’s Pete Sullivan!’ Rosie sounded outraged. Pete Sullivan was, like, her all-time favourite singer. He was with this band called Death Metal that Mum didn’t like her listening to ’cos she said they were too violent.

  And great galloping grandmothers! That was the face of someone I’d seen on the telly. He’d just been chucked out for using bad language in front of half a million viewers.

  Oh, and that was the lady that was so mean to all the people that came on her show. Only last week she’d made someone cry.

  Different faces flashed on and off the screen. Some were famous. Some I didn’t know. But all of them, said the captain, had been taken over by bugs. And then…

  Then it happened.

  I catapulted backwards on my marshmallow. Rosie practically jumped right out of hers.

  ‘I thought that would get your attention,’ said the captain.

  Chapter Six

  I could feel my jaw dropping, and my mouth hanging open.

  ‘It’s the Queen!’ The words came out in a kind of yelp. Was the captain really saying that the Queen had been taken over?

  Rosie was hugging herself, rocking to and fro. ‘Now I’ve heard everything … the Queen’s got a bug!’

  ‘She can’t have,’ I said. There had to be some mistake. Bugs in Buckingham Palace? ‘How would it get past security?’

  ‘All too easily,’ said the captain. ‘It’s more surprising how it got past the corgis. We’re working on the theory that they swamped the place with suicide bugs in the hope that just one would manage to get through without being eaten.’

  ‘Oh, I love this,’ said Rosie.‘I love it, I love it!’

  I turned, rather desperately, to the captain. If even the Queen had been bugged, what hope was there for the rest of us?

  ‘As of this moment,’ said the captain, ‘we don’t actually have any definite proof. But take it from me, we’re ninety-nine per cent certain. We’ve been keeping a very careful eye on her recent behaviour. You may remember, a few months ago, that the Queen was in a health scare? She had to cancel her engagements?’

  I nodded, doubtfully.

  ‘I remember,’ said Rosie. ‘Mum said it wasn’t like her, but it was only to be expected ’cos, after all, she was getting on a bit.’

  ‘In human terms,’ said the captain, ‘that is correct. The inhabitants of your planet do have extraordinarily short life spans. This, of course, is why you’re still so backward … you simply don’t live long enough to learn.’

  I could see Rosie start to bristle.

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ said the captain, soothingly. ‘Your planet is still in
its infancy. You have a lot of growing up to do. But yes, your mother is quite right, the Queen is no longer young and it is not surprising if she suffers the occasional ailment. On this occasion, however, there was nothing wrong whatsoever. You may be interested to learn that she spent three whole days sitting in bed playing computer games and eating what I believe you refer to as junk food – burgers and chips, and chicken nuggets?’

  I stared, goggle-eyed. The Queen? Eating chicken nuggets? In her bedroom?

  Rosie gave one of her shrill shrieks of laughter. The sort that makes Dad clap his hands to his ears. ‘Sounds a lot more fun than going round factories!’

  ‘Yes; the bug obviously thought so. Just as last week it thought it would be fun to throw bread rolls at a banquet given for the Russian president.’

  ‘We never heard about that,’ I said.

  ‘You wouldn’t. The Palace kept it very quiet.’

  ‘Maybe she’s just going loopy,’ said Rosie. ‘People do, when they get old.’

  ‘Trust me,’ said the captain. ‘She is not going loopy. She’s been invaded by a bug, and it has to be removed. This is where you come in. You and Jake. We should like to recruit you as honorary members of PIE.’

  ‘What’s that mean?’ said Rosie. ‘Honorary members?’

  ‘It means you have been specially chosen to help defend your planet. We can’t offer you full membership, I’m afraid; Earth is not yet advanced enough to qualify. But you would be part of a very select band.’

  ‘Why us?’

  Why her, more to the point. I still didn’t see what use anyone thought she was going to be.

  ‘Why can’t you do it yourselves?’ said Rosie. ‘Seeing as you’re so advanced.’

  ‘The fact is,’ said the captain, ‘the entire galaxy is under threat. It is essential that we all work together. Unfortunately, we are not permitted to land on any planet that is not a member of PIE. This is for a good reason. You may think of us as … what was it? Perambulating octopuses?’

  ‘That was her,’ I said. ‘Not me!’

  I was glad to see Rosie’s cheeks turn pink. She wasn’t totally without shame.

  ‘Octopuses, centipedes … we take many shapes and forms. But we all belong to worlds that are technologically far in advance of Earth. For us to land on your planet would be disastrous. It would not only cause havoc, but far worse, it would contaminate the time line.’

  I’d heard about the time line. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I knew it was very important not to contaminate it.

  ‘You see,’ said the captain, ‘we are actually part of the future.’

  Yesss! I punched the air, exultantly. Now I understood.

  Rosie, obviously, still didn’t.

  ‘So, if you’re from the future,’ she said, ‘why not just put things right and then move on?’

  Shocked, I said, ‘’Cos people from the future mustn’t ever interfere with the past! It’s one of the rules.’

  ‘It’s why we have to recruit local agents,’ explained the captain. ‘It’s why we’ve recruited you. Or hope to recruit you. We’ve had you under observation for some while. Jake, because he’s eager to find out as much as he can about space travel.’ I swelled, importantly. ‘We always watch out for those who show an interest.’

  ‘I didn’t show any interest,’ said Rosie.

  ‘No, but you are quick to learn. You are very much the type we like to recruit.’

  Pardon me???

  ‘You ask questions, you demand answers, you don’t let anyone push you around. Plus, of course, we are aware that you have already looked death in the face.’

  Oh, please! Not that again. I was sick of hearing how Rosie had looked death in the face. All it was, she’d read this book where a kid climbed out of the bedroom window and slid down the drainpipe, so she thought she’d try doing it, too, only she went and got stuck halfway down and was there for nearly an hour before she was discovered. Dad had to get a ladder and rescue her. She’d been on about it ever since. How she’d looked death in the face.

  ‘And didn’t panic!’

  Rosie smirked.

  ‘I won’t pretend,’ said the captain, ‘that the mission would be without danger. These bugs are vicious, and they move at great speed. You would need to move at even greater speed. It would be a question of dislodging the creature from the Queen, then zapping it before it could attack one of you. I can give you no guarantee that this would not happen. I can only assure you that if it did we would take immediate action. We would not abandon you to your fate.’

  There was a bit of a pause, while I wondered what exactly our fate would be. I shot a glance at Rosie.

  ‘Yeah. Well! Yeah.’ She bounced on her marshmallow. ‘OK, then!’

  What did she mean, OK then?

  ‘Let’s go for it!’

  Really? I stared at her, gobsmacked.

  ‘Jake?’ said the captain. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Oh, he’ll do it,’ said Rosie. ‘He’s been waiting for something like this for years.’

  It was true, I had; but I didn’t see what right she had to speak for me. She has this really annoying habit of just taking over.

  ‘So, what’s the plan?’ she said.

  ‘The plan,’ said the captain, ‘is that we send you back home and you wait for us to contact you. Probably in the next twenty-four hours. Earth hours, that is.’

  Rosie nodded. ‘OK.’

  ‘Got it,’ I said, feeling it was time I re-entered the conversation.

  ‘I’d better let you have a communicator. Jake, here, you take it.’

  A com badge. He’d actually given me a com badge!

  ‘I would just ask you not to use it unless you’re in trouble. I know I can trust you.’ I swallowed, and nodded. Rosie curled her lip. ‘As soon as you hear from us, expect to be beamed up and given your instructions. In the meantime – ’

  ‘I know!’ Rosie zipped a finger across her mouth. ‘Say nothing to anyone. My lips are sealed!’

  ‘No need for that,’ said the captain. ‘Feel free to say whatever you like! The very reason we use children as our agents is that no one ever believes them. Try telling your mum and dad you’ve been abducted by aliens … what do you think they’re likely to do?’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ said Rosie. ‘I see what you mean.’

  ‘They do have these stories in the papers,’ I said. ‘People being abducted.’

  ‘Yes.’ The captain frowned. ‘That’s because we made the mistake, in the past, of using adults. It took us a while to realise that children were far better, from a security point of view.’

  ‘Not that it really matters,’ said Rosie. ‘No one actually believes in aliens … only nutters!’

  Chapter Seven

  ‘Guess what?’ said Rosie. ‘I’ve just had the weirdest dream! I dreamt we’d been abducted by aliens.’ It obviously embarrassed her. ‘Me!’ She gave this little titter, to show how ridiculous it was. ‘Dreaming about aliens! Can you imagine?’

  I said, ‘I don’t have to imagine. I was there.’

  ‘I know you were there! I just told you … they abducted us. In a spaceship! That’s what comes of trying to do my homework while you’re watching that rubbish.’ She waved a hand at the television, where Star Trek was still going on – right at the point where we’d left it. ‘There was this thing,’ said Rosie, ‘like an octopus – ’

  ‘Ensign Gork.’

  ‘What?’ She looked at me, eyes narrowed.

  ‘Ensign Gork. That’s what he was called.’

  ‘How do you know what he was called?’

  ‘’Cos I was there,’ I reminded her.

  ‘In my dream! My dream.’ Rosie stabbed a finger at herself. ‘Not your dream: my dream. People can’t share dreams!’

  ‘So how come I know his name?’

  She pursed her lips, trying to think up an answer.

  ‘And how come…’ I slid my hand into the pocket of my jeans and pulled out something small and
round and silver. ‘How come I’ve got this?’

  Rosie stared. It was the com badge the captain had given me. Rosie had seen him do it. How was she going to wriggle out of that one?

  For a moment I thought she was going to admit, just for once, that I was right and she was wrong. But Rosie never gives in without a fight.

  ‘You don’t think it actually works?’ she said, scornfully. ‘Probably some kind of stupid toy.’

  ‘Doesn’t explain how it got in my pocket.’

  She chewed at her lip. ‘See what happens if you press the button.’

  ‘No, I can’t. You heard the captain … we’re not to use it unless we’re in trouble.’

  ‘Who’s he to go giving orders? Him and his aliens… Queen’s got a bug!’ Rosie gave one of her uncouth cackles. ‘Pardon me while I die laughing!’

  ‘Look at the time,’ I said.

  ‘Why?’ She shot a quick glance at the clock. ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’

  ‘The captain told us it’d stand still.’

  ‘Clock’s obviously stopped.’

  ‘The clock hasn’t stopped,’ I said. ‘Time is what stopped.’ I couldn’t expect her to understand. ‘Temporal mechanics are extremely complicated. You’d know, if you watched Star Trek. Time can do almost anything. Go backwards, go forwards. Go fast, go slow. Did you know, for instance, that if you travelled far enough into space you could come back to Earth only a few months older than when you left, while everyone else would have grown old and died?’

  ‘Oh, you’d swallow any old rubbish!’ said Rosie.

  ‘OK.’ I waved the com badge at her. ‘So what’s your explanation? Are you telling me you don’t believe what just happened?’

  Rosie hooked her hair behind her ears. ‘Obviously something happened. It’s a question of what. Probably some kind of … government experiment. Something to do with carbon emissions. A new kind of transport!’ She pounced on the idea, triumphantly. ‘They’re going to get rid of cars and planes and all those stinky things that are manking up the planet and we’re all going to whiz around in beams of light. But obviously it’s top secret, they’re still trying it out. That’s why they’re using kids! ’Cos like they said, nobody’d believe us.’