“You don’t have any friends.”
When you keep your children sheltered, they grow up quicker than expected and become little adults in tiny bodies. “Of course I do,” I said.
“You only talk to Aunt Leslie over email and text. And you’re friendly with people, but they’re not your actual friends.” He crossed his hands on the glass table, emphasizing his point.
“Fine.” I sighed. I hated that a soon to be six-year-old managed to outsmart me. “We’ll both make new friends.” I pouted my lips at him. “Deal?”
“Deal.”
* * *
After I enrolled AJ for the upcoming school year, I grabbed a few brochures from the office about local camps and other sports that he could join for the summer. Not wanting our day to be over yet, we headed down toward the playground near the school. The school day had come to an end, and kids trickled onto the playground. Some waited for their parents while others climbed the jungle gym as their mothers chatted in groups.
I sat on the bench as I watched AJ climb up and then slide down. This was his happy place. It was every kid’s happy place. What I loved most about being with him at a park was how his imagination exploded. I heard him talk about the alligators down below and how he was climbing up the pirate ship to save the captain. Other times I heard him say he was on a great adventure in Africa. He had spent his whole life without many friends, so he made his own.
“Is this seat taken?” a woman about my age asked.
Shielding my eyes with my hand to cover the sun, I looked up at her. “No, not at all.”
“I’m Laura.” She extended her hand.
“Stephanie.” I smiled.
“Are you new in town?”
My smile faltered as I tried to form the proper answer to her question. “We just got back.”
“Oh, I see. I don’t mean to bombard you. I’m the president of the PTA. Your son looks to be about my Scott’s age.”
“He’s enrolled for September, so hopefully we’ll be seeing much more of each other.” I smiled again.
“The real reason I came by is that I saw the flyers you were reading,” Laura said shamelessly. “I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. My husband always says I can’t keep my mouth shut. But whatever. Here goes.” She swatted the air and laughed. “The school board hasn’t been great with prioritizing funding for certain sports. They really don’t see the purpose of giving us a budget since the kids are only in elementary school. They tend to save it for the older kids, which I totally understand. But my son Scott loves baseball so there is a flyer for the baseball team, but unfortunately, no one has sponsored it yet.” Her smile faded. She looked like a mom who had disappointed her child and knew how much it pained him. I had worn that face many times.
Before I could reply, AJ ran over to me. Crashing into my legs, he held up his newest friend. “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Look how big this earthworm is.”
“AJ, sweetie, Mommy is speaking to Mrs. Laura. You need to say excuse me.”
“Sorry. Excuse me, Mom, but look how big this worm is!”
I shook my head, and Laura laughed. “I deal with that every day. Scott!” she shouted and waved her hand. A blond boy ran over to us with a big smile on his face. “This is my Scott,” Laura said. Scott’s eyes widened when he saw the earthworm that wiggled between AJ’s fingers.
“AJ, why don’t you show Scott your new friend?” I said, pushing away the slimy creature. AJ nodded eagerly, and Scott followed. Just like that, the two little boys became instant friends.
“Thanks for that,” I said to Laura.
“No need to thank me. We were the new kids in town last year. It’s why I got so involved in the PTA. It was the only way I knew for sure Scott would make friends, even if I forced it.” She shrugged, and I laughed.
“Where did you move from?”
“Texas.” She pulled a southern twang. “My husband was relocated a year ago, so we picked up everything and moved up here. Scott is my youngest, but he’s such an introvert I have to force friendships on him. My daughter Michaela, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. She meets a new person every day, and then they’re instantly her new best friend.”
“One of each. That’s perfect.”
“Yeah, my husband wanted a third, but I told him he’d have to find a new wife before that happened.”
I laughed.
“What about you?”
“It’s just me and AJ.” It was the simplest answer. Some people thought I was a single mother raising a child on my own. Some thought I was a divorcee. I didn’t care what they thought. Nobody needed to know my business. I killed my husband.
Laura opened her mouth to say something when a high-pitched screech startled us both. My head snapped toward the playground as I recognized AJ’s scream. He was crouched on the thick brown mulch holding his leg. I sprang to my feet and ran for him. My heart raced a mile a minute, and the fifty-foot jog felt like a mile sprint. Scott stood at the top of the jungle gym looking down.
“AJ,” I said frantically, my knees scraping against the mulch. Crimson blood pooled between his fingers. “Honey, you’re okay. Let me see.”
Laura was right behind me. “What happened?” she asked Scott.
“We were climbing across the monkey bars and he lost his grip,” Scott said in a shaky voice.
AJ continued to cry out in pain as I managed to pull his hand back. I gasped at the sight of his knee. The skin flapped over the cut and blood continued to pour out.
“You have to get it clean,” Laura said, handing me a bottled water.
My hand shook as I opened the bottle. Slowly, I poured it over his cut, and Laura and I both gasped when we saw how deep it was. Fuck. I tried my hardest not to cry. “Here.” She handed me a T-shirt. “You need to put pressure on it.”
I wrapped the T-shirt around his knee and tied it as best as possible. Scooping AJ into my arms, I looked over at Laura. “Thanks,” I said. “I want to take him to the ER. I think he needs stitches.” My voice was surprisingly calmer than the way I felt inside.
“Do you want me to go with you?”
“No, it’s okay, but thank you so much for all your help.” I laced my arms firmly around AJ and headed straight for the car.
Within fifteen minutes I was at St. Michael’s Memorial Hospital. The tug on my heart reminded me of the last time I walked through those halls.
“Mommy, it hurts,” AJ complained from the back seat. Pushing all my guilt to the side, I parked the car and hopped out, then jogged into the hospital with him in my arms. Blood had seeped through Laura’s T-shirt.
“I need some help,” I said as I rushed over to the receptionist. Two nurses came around; one pushed a wheelchair as the other helped me put AJ into it.
“What happened?” one asked
“He fell off the monkey bars at the playground and cut his knee pretty badly. I tried to stop the bleeding, but it’s still coming through.”
“Let’s get him admitted, and then a doctor will come look at him.”
“Thank you,” I said breathlessly, my eyes swelling with tears. I was used to bumps and bruises, scabs and random cuts, because AJ was out exploring the world. But nothing like this had ever happened to him. Nothing that required a hospital visit. I had always been so careful with him.
“It’s okay. He’s perfectly fine. We’ll take care of him.”
She gave me a reassuring smile, and I nodded. Within a few minutes, AJ was laying on a hospital bed, his clothes stripped from the waist down. He wore a hospital gown as I filled out our insurance information and a nurse cleaned his wound.
“You were a trooper, buddy,” the nurse stated as she discarded her gloves. “Now, if you sit tight for me, the doctor will be right in.”
After she left, I curled up in bed with AJ and laced my arms around his little body. Kissing the top of his head, I let out a sigh of relief.
“Mom,” he complained.
“You’re my baby boy, and you scared the
life out of me,” I said as I sucked back tears.
“I’m okay. I promise.”
“I know, but I’m hugging you extra just in case.” I nuzzled my face into his neck.
“Do you think I can play with Scott again?”
“Of course, sweetie.”
“I tried not to cry, but it hurt really bad.” He looked up at me, his eyes filled with embarrassment.
“I know. Look how big that cut is.”
“Do you think I can still sign up for the summer camps?”
I brushed his hair back and kissed his forehead. “We’ll have to ask the doctor, but I don’t see why not.”
Right on cue, a shadow appeared behind the curtain. “Knock, knock,” a man’s voice greeted us.
“Come in,” I replied.
“So, what is this I hear about a cut on the knee with no tears?” the doctor asked as he pulled back the curtain. “The nurses are all talking about what a tough kid you are.” He pulled the chair closer to the bed and extended his hand toward me. “I’m Dr. Dixon.”
“Stephanie,” I said.
“And you are?” He smiled and looked over at an anxious AJ.
“AJ.” I said when AJ didn’t respond. His shoulders were high hiding his neck
“There’s no need to be scared. You won’t feel a thing, I promise.” Dr. Dixon added.
“You can hold my hand, buddy,” I whispered, and Dr. Dixon smiled at me.
“So, how did it happen?” he asked as he rubbed gel-like ointment around the cut.
“He was on the monkey bars with his new little friend, and the next thing I knew he was screaming on the ground.”
“I tried to make it across,” AJ added.
“I see. I was never really good at the monkey bars either.” Dr. Dixon pulled out a small syringe. “I put some numbing cream around the area, and now I’m going to give you a local anesthetic. I’ve done this to myself, so I know there won’t be any pain, but maybe you should close your eyes.”
“I want to watch.” AJ sat taller on the bed. We both sat there in awe as Dr. Dixon injected his knee four times. “I didn’t feel a thing,” AJ said with excitement.
I sighed a breath of relief.
“This cut is pretty deep. I’m pretty sure you landed on something that shouldn’t be on a playground.”
“The area is covered with mulch,” I added.
“Yeah, that’s usually a great barrier, but someone could’ve buried something underneath.”
I nodded, not knowing what else to say.
“So, AJ, how old are you?” Dr. Dixon asked as he threaded a needle.
“Almost six.”
“I see. Will you be starting school this year?”
“Yeah, it’s why we moved back,” AJ replied. My heart ached at how tough AJ was and how great Doctor Dixon was at distracting him.
Twenty-three stitches later, AJ was all set. “See! Not so bad, right?” Dr. Dixon asked.
“Nope, and I didn’t feel a thing.” AJ’s chipper voice had returned. He was back to his old ways.
“I want to have an X-ray done just to make sure you didn’t break anything,” he said, discarding his gloves. “One of the nurses will be right in to take you up.” He pulled his gaze away from AJ and met mine. “He’ll be gone for thirty to forty minutes, depending on Radiology.”
“No problem, and thank you again for all your help.” Dr. Dixon shook my hand one last time before leaving.
When the nurse wheeled AJ away and I was finally alone, I lowered my head and let out the tears I’d been holding in. I cried until the pain was alleviated from my chest.
The curtain was pulled back, and I gasped, quickly wiping my face. “I’m sorry,” Dr. Dixon apologized. He handed me a few tissues. “Are you all right?”
“Sorry. I must look like a crazy person.” I patted the tissue to dry my tears.
“You’d be surprised what I see on a daily basis. You’re far from crazy.”
I laughed. “He’s all I have. It’s just the two of us, and he’s never had anything more serious than Coxsackie.” Dr. Dixon laughed. “I didn’t want him to see me cry, but all that blood scared the living hell out me.”
“It’s understandable.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “But I will tell you this, most of my patients who require an ER visit because of a fall are boys.”
“Oh, great.” I fanned my face with my free hand. “Just what I wanted to hear.”
“He’ll be fine, and you’re doing great,” Dr. Dixon said with a kind smile. “My mother always says God only throws at us what he knows we can handle.”
“Thanks.” I sighed and fought the urge to roll my eyes. If he only knew how much God had thrown at me.
He handed me a business card and a prescription written on a blue pad. “I wanted to give you this prescription. It’s for an ointment to help with the scarring. And I want to see him in my office in about ten days, so we can remove the stitches. He’ll have some minor discomfort, and walking might hurt when he bends his knee, but just keep an eye on it. If you notice any inflammation, call me immediately.” He touched my shoulder. “Really, Stephanie, you’re doing great, and he seems like a good kid.”
The only thing I ever wanted was to give AJ everything.
2
Past
My body lay curled like a ball on the cool marble floor of my master bathroom. I’d been there for hours watching the day pass away, afraid of my life. The soft humming of cars driving down the street was the only sound, and I prayed they would wash away the noises in my head. The tear streaks had dried along my cheeks in crusty white trails. My once blonde hair was now its natural brown, as I had no energy to dye it. I coiled my fingers around a wispy tendril and rubbed my thumbnail along it.
I said today would be better. I made a promise that it would be different. A promise I found myself constantly breaking.
I hadn’t been myself in a long time.
Inhaling slowly, I tried once again to shut the thoughts out of my head. I tried to calm the storm brewing inside of me, the dark clouds that threatened to open at any moment and wreak havoc on the world below. I forced myself to keep it all in.
My gaze moved from the specks on the tile and through the doorway to where I had a clear view of the clock on the nightstand. It was almost noon. Almost time for his call. To start the façade all over again.
A new day, but still the same Stepford wife person.
Forcing myself to stand, I walked to the sink where I rested my hands on the cool quartz countertop. I willed my eyes to stare at the stranger looking back at me. I didn’t recognize her anymore. Hadn’t in two years. I was like a ghost trapped in the hollow shell of an imposter.
Turning on the faucet, I waited a few seconds, letting the water warm before I splashed it on my face. It was time to put on a happy voice and greet my husband.
Like clockwork, the house phone rang as expected at exactly 12:06. Bruce, my dear, loving husband—and a creature of habit—took his lunch precisely at noon. It took him exactly four minutes to walk out of his office, down the hallway, out the side of the building, and into his car. Before turning on the ignition, he dialed me, adding the extra minute.
In the beginning, it was sweet. Charming really. When we were newlyweds, he was just building his company, which required him to travel constantly. Back then, I craved his calls. I added alarms to my cell phone, so I was always available. I waited patiently for my phone to ring. Now, years later, they were a chore. A tooth pulling would be less painful.
* * *
“Hello?” I answered with the happiest voice I could muster.
“Hey, babe,” Bruce said. “How’s your day going?”
I bit the inner part of my cheek and closed my eyes. What had we become? Once upon a time these calls were the light of my day. “Good. Just finished organizing the house. I’m about to run to the store and pick up a few things for dinner. Do you want anything particular?”
“I could g
o for some short ribs,” he said, his phone now connected to the car’s Bluetooth.
“Okay, that’s easy.” It felt as if bile was crawling up my throat with each passing second.
“How was AJ at drop-off today?” Bruce asked. Drop-off was part of Bruce’s daily routine, and this particular morning I’d taken him. He wanted to know in detail how I dropped AJ off. His obsession with his son knew no end.
I inhaled as tears formed in my eyes. I hated this; it was the root of the problem in our marriage, and I knew it. It was what made me lay on the bathroom floor every day, crying until I was numb.
“Good. He was excited about show and tell.” I said, unsure if a two year old knew what show and tell was.
“Great.” Bruce’s voice was filled with pure, unconditional love, and I found myself jealous of my own son. It was sad how often I became jealous of AJ and Bruce.
“I know, he picked out a good stuffed animal.” Bruce laughed. I stayed silent on the other end. If I opened my mouth to say a single thing, it would begin a fight. I’d want to scream about how attentive he was to AJ, yet he treated me as nothing more than his roommate. “Okay, babe. I’m going to grab some lunch, and I’ll pick up AJ after work. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I hung up the phone.
I did truly love Bruce. He was the perfect husband to my perfect life.
But I was miserable.
It was hard to explain how it all went downhill. Once upon a time I had it all. My husband and I lived the life most people dreamed of, with the perfect house on a cul-de-sac, white picket fence and all. We had a precious little boy named AJ, and it all seemed perfect.
Too perfect, if you asked me.
Life went from perfection to me hating my life. I despised each new day more than the last. There were days I locked myself in a closet just to drown out the pain I felt, screaming into fluffy white pillows. I spent hours compartmentalizing what could be wrong with me. I wasn’t crazy, I knew that. And according to Dr. Google, since I didn’t want to hurt AJ, I knew it wasn’t postpartum depression, either. It was something else, something I had no control of.
The Perfect Life Page 2
