The only thing I could attribute it to was that I was lonely in my marriage.
When my husband and I first met, I was his world. He loved me like no other man had. It was a love that radiated from him. I saw it in his crystal blue eyes and his wide grin, and I knew right from our initial date that I would marry him. He was the kind of man who would move mountains for me. And I felt the exact same way about him. He was my best friend, my lover, and my better half. We lived in our own bubble of happiness.
And then we decided to have a child.
At the time, I thought it would make us complete. The family I’d always envisioned for myself. And we were.
I had a perfect pregnancy, and Bruce and I stayed up late picking out baby names and gender-neutral colors for the nursery. He spent hours talking to my growing bump. He read once that yogurt helped with the baby’s brain development in the second trimester, so one night I came home to a fridge packed with every flavor. A light laugh escaped me from the memory.
When we were blessed with a healthy baby boy, we were elated. But no one ever warned me that a marriage wasn’t really a marriage until you had kids. Until then, Bruce and I had been playing house. Two years of make believe. I scoffed, swiping an errant tear that slipped from my eye.
The second Bruce brought us home from the hospital, it all came crashing down. I wasn’t my husband’s priority anymore. I stopped feeling like his wife. He stopped being doting and passionate. He was so focused on the love he had for AJ that I wasn’t even a blip on his radar. Touching me was something he had always done. He’d found reasons to kiss my neck or hug me as I did the dishes. Small, intimate touches. Moments that meant everything to me. But the harder I fought to be noticed, the further away he pulled. By the time AJ was six months old, I felt as though my husband was no longer attracted to me. I had never truly understood the difference between being alone and being lonely until then.
When nothing else worked, I started to blame myself. Sure, I had lost some of my baby weight, but it wasn’t completely gone. I wasn’t the girl he had fallen for. I began to work out until I was back to my pre-baby body. Still, Bruce wouldn’t look at me.
For months, I cried.
For months, we argued about how I felt as though he didn’t love me.
For months, our intimacy withered, and we drifted apart.
For two years, my husband ignored me. We lived like strangers sharing a bed. Every once in a while, I lost it. My mind ran in circles and I couldn’t calm it back down. Like an animal shoved in a corner, I’d snap. I sent him a text message asking why he was still with me if he didn’t love me. Why had his love for me died? It was easier to be brave behind a screen, plus I could sob on my end and still type out what I felt.
And always it was the same answer. “I don’t know what else to say, Steph. I do love you. I don’t know what you want me to do.”
Months passed, and I grew tired of the arguments. Of never being satisfied with his answers. He said he loved me even though I never felt it. I even convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, when we were finished having kids, I’d get him back.
Maybe it would take some time.
Maybe . . .
And here we were now. Between misery and waiting for happiness to fill my life again.
After I hung up the phone, I quickly showered and began my day. With a forced smile on my face, I repeated the same routine. Ran errands, prepped and cooked dinner, and waited for AJ and Bruce to come home. I’d been so miserable that I pulled away from life. I couldn’t stand to look at other people’s happiness and not be filled with envy. I was a robot following its instructions. Cook, clean, smile. Repeat.
And when the headlights of Bruce’s car shone through the window as he pulled into the driveway, I poured myself a glass of wine. It was only one glass, sometimes two. On really bad days it was three, but it got me through the night. I watched as the deep auburn liquid poured from the bottle and hoped for a better tomorrow, a happier day in which I was not curled up like a ball in the bathroom.
But I knew that day would never come.
3
Present
“Mom!” AJ shouted as he walked into the kitchen. He wasn’t walking normally yet, but it wasn’t because he was in pain. The stitches prevented him from bending his knee.
“In here,” I said from the pantry. I’d spent every day this week reorganizing a part of the house, and to my surprise, the kitchen had been the hardest. “What’s up?” I asked when he came wobbling in.
“Scott told me about the baseball team. Can I join, Mom? Please? Can I?” he said with a pleading voice.
“I don’t know, AJ.” I sat back on my heels and brushed my hair away from my face. “First, we need to ask the doctor, and then I need to talk to Mrs. Laura to see if she found a sponsor for the team.”
“Sponsor?” AJ repeated the word as he tried to familiarize himself with it. “What’s that?”
“Yes. Usually, a business sponsors the team, meaning they pay for the uniforms and trophies and whatever else the team may need.”
“Oh.” His voice hinted at a bit of disappointment.
“Let’s take it one step at a time. First, we’ll talk to Dr. Dixon and make sure he clears you and you’re okay to play. Then we’ll talk to Mrs. Laura and see what she says. Deal?”
“Deal!” AJ smiled and gave me two thumbs up.
When he was out of the pantry, I made a mental note to ask Laura at the next PTA meeting how much it cost to sponsor the team. Bruce had left us with plenty, and the last thing I wanted was for AJ not to be able to play since it clearly was important to him.
* * *
AJ sat on the exam table at Dr. Dixon’s office as we waited for his scheduled appointment. His leg with the stitches was flat on the exam bed while the other dangled. He looked around the room and admired the medical tools and gadgets. Surprisingly, he was cool as a cucumber while I was a mess. Pulling stitches out made my stomach queasy.
The soft knock on the door startled me, and in walked Dr. Dixon. He looked different than the last time I’d seen him, younger, closer to my age, more handsome than I remembered. Maybe it was that he was in gray slacks and a light blue button-down as opposed to hospital scrubs. Maybe it was because I was no longer frantic about AJ’s leg.
“AJ.” He smiled as he walked over to him. Even his voice wasn’t the same, manly and vibrant. “How’s the knee doing?” His eyebrows furrowed as he peered closely at the stitches. For a split second, I pulled my attention from AJ and admired his doctor.
“Good,” AJ replied.
“He’s been really good and hasn’t complained of any pain.” I stopped staring and shook any crazy idea out of my head. “Also, we’ve been keeping the cut clean and dry and applying the ointment every night,” I said in one long breath.
Dr. Dixon chuckled. “Your mom is a pretty great nurse.”
“I’m new to this.” I shrugged. “So, I followed your directions to the tee.”
“I see.” He walked over to the cabinet. Sliding his hands into latex gloves, he pulled out a few medical instruments. “Now, AJ, you’ll feel a little tugging, but not pain.”
“I’m ready.” AJ sat taller on the bed.
Within five minutes, Dr. Dixon had snipped and pulled out all of his stitches. “All set.”
“Cool,” AJ said, bending his knee.
“He makes it look so easy,” I joked.
“Kids are resilient, and because of that they heal a lot faster than adults.” Dr. Dixon wheeled himself over to me. “I’m going to give you another prescription; this one is to help with the redness. It’s filled with vitamin E. Do you have any questions?”
“Yes,” I said, taking the script. “He wants to play baseball for the town’s Little League, but I said we had to discuss it with you first.”
From the corner of my eye, I could see AJ’s big eyes pleading for a yes. “Of course.” Dr. Dixon looked over at AJ and rubbed his head. “But until the wound is full
y healed, I recommend he wear long pants during practices.”
“Will do.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes,” AJ said and dug his little hands into his back pockets. “As a doctor you make a lot of money, right, Dr. Dixon?”
“AJ!” My eyes widened.
Dr. Dixon chuckled and crossed his arms. “I’m no brain surgeon, but I make a decent living.”
Covering my face from embarrassment, I shook my head. “AJ, you don’t ask people that.”
“It’s okay.” Dr. Dixon shook his head.
“Do you think you make enough to sponsor our team?” He flipped open the flyer Laura had given me and handed it to Dr. Dixon.
“AJ, I told you I was going to talk to Mrs. Laura.” I shook my head. “I’m so sorry,” I apologized again.
“It’s okay, really.” He looked over at AJ. “I’ll give this to the office manager and we’ll see what we can do.” He smiled, which in turn made AJ smile.
“Awesome,” AJ said.
Dr. Dixon laughed and stood. “Again, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” When he was out of the room, I looked over at AJ.
“Buddy, what were you thinking, asking him to sponsor you?”
“I figured he was a doctor, so he had money. In movies, doctors are always rich.”
“Oh, AJ.” I stood. “You still shouldn’t ask people for money like that.” I tried to hide my smile.
“I’m sorry, Mom.” He lowered his head.
“Don’t be.” I placed my hand on his back. “How about we stop and pick up ice cream on the way home?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I need a treat after that tugging of the stitches.” I draped my arms over his shoulders.
“It didn’t hurt. I swear.”
“It hurt me.” I laughed and kissed the top of his forehead.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m strong like Dad.” He lifted his arms to show me his muscles.
He was right. He was very strong . . . just like his daddy.
* * *
Laura sent me a text message letting me know the first baseball practice was on Tuesday night. When I relayed the message to AJ, his eyes filled with joy. He had spent the last week watching every movie on baseball he could find. He didn’t know what position he wanted to play, but he was very excited about it.
The weekend before his first practice we bought a bat, cleats, and even a new bag. I was afraid that I was spending all this money and he would hate baseball, but after the first practice, he was hooked. All he spoke about was baseball. Luckily for him, practice was held three times a week with a Saturday morning game, and because it was Little League there was no designated position, so he was able to play every position possible.
It was our first game, and though we didn’t technically keep score, I knew our team was up by two runs. AJ had just struck out and was sitting in the dugout with his head lowered. He was always hard on himself and needed his space before he could get back on the field. I figured this would be a great time for me to head out to the car and grab the treats I bought for the kids. The moms on the team took turns bringing snacks, and I was in charge of snacks at the first game. I had gone a little overboard with my snack options, but it was nice to be included.
I was walking backward with my eyes still facing the field. Scott was up to bat, and I wanted to cheer him on as Laura had done for my son. The coach pitched the ball to Scott, and he hit it with all his might. It was a ground ball that rolled past the shortstop and went straight for the outfield. Excited that he made it to first base, I cheered loudly, throwing my arms up. I was so lost in the game that I didn’t realize I almost wailed somebody in the face.
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry!” I apologized to the pedestrian walking along the pathway. I cocked my head to the side. “Dr. Dixon?”
A familiar smile greeted me. “No, it’s my fault,” Dr. Dixon said. “I should’ve warned you that I was close by. Please, call me Luke.” His grin caught me off guard.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I took him in. The gray slacks he wore in the office were now replaced with shorts and a casual shirt. He looked too young to be a doctor.
He laughed. “It’s a public park.”
“R-right,” I stammered. Of course, he could be here. It was indeed a public park.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I usually run through this park on Saturday mornings.”
“Really?” I couldn’t hide the piqued interest in my voice. “We’re here every Saturday.”
“Well, maybe I just added it to my trail.” He scratched the back of his head. “My office sponsored AJ’s team, and someone faxed the schedule over this morning. I figured during my run I’d get to see bits and pieces of the game.”
“Oh, my God.” I briefly covered my face. “I’m so sorry AJ put you in that situation. You really didn’t have to sponsor us. I’m so sorry.”
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. The kids should have their uniforms by now.” He waved his hand in the air like it was no big deal. “Maybe then it wouldn’t have been such a surprise since our name would be on the back of their shirts.” Luke chuckled, and I bit my lower lip, taking in his gorgeous smile for a second time.
We stood there for a few seconds, awkwardly staring at each other. “We don’t keep score, but they’re up by two if that helps. You invested in a good team.” I rambled nervously.
Luke laughed again, and I forced my eyes away from his mouth. “Good to know I got my money’s worth.”
“I’m just heading to the car to grab their snacks. You can stay and watch the rest of the game if you want.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Not that you have to ask me permission. I mean, if you’re done with your run, and you want to stay. Some of the moms are here, and a bunch of the dads usually coach. I’m pretty sure they’d like to thank you in person for sponsoring the team. I know the kids would.”
“Do you always ramble?” He smirked.
I sighed and pushed my hair behind my ears. “Only when I’m nervous or caught off guard.”
“Duly noted.”
I cracked my knuckles and took a step back. “I should really get their snacks.”
“Do you need a hand?” Luke offered.
“No.” I shook my head before I rose my hand to stop him. I needed a few seconds to mentally kick myself in the ass for how stupid I sounded.
“Who’s that?” Laura asked when I returned with the fruit juices and snacks.
“Who?” I tossed the heavy bag on the table she had set up for the kids.
“The guy you were talking to?” She cocked her head toward the bleachers. “Is that your husband? Because good Lord, he is one fine specimen.”
Tensely, I snapped my head up and away from the goldfish crackers. I figured most of the town knew who I was since people tended to gossip, but I’d forgotten that Laura moved here recently. “My husband died almost four years ago,” I said quickly.
“Oh my, Stephanie,” Laura rested her hand on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
I forced a smile and looked over at Laura. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago.” And to be honest, it was okay. I couldn’t walk around expecting everyone to be sensitive to my feelings. The truth was that Bruce was gone, and I was on my own.
“No, seriously, I’m mortified. I saw the tan line on your hand and thought maybe you had misplaced your ring or was having it cleaned. It was silly of me to assume.”
My thumb twirled along my bare finger. I had decided that coming back home meant it was finally time to move on. It was time to let go. “I recently took it off, when we moved back.”
“Is that why you left?” Laura said as she lined GoGo squeeze applesauce packets in a row.
“Yeah.”
“I really stuck my foot in my mouth, huh?”
I laughed and patted her shoulder. “It’s okay.”
“Are you sure? I feel like such an ass. And don’t
get me wrong, I love my husband, I think he’s the sexiest thing alive, but when I turned around and you were talking to that sex god,” —Laura fanned herself enthusiastically— “I thought, good Lord, her husband is hot.”
I shook my head and looked over to where Luke sat in the bleachers. He was hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees as he watched the game.
“That’s the doctor who stitched up AJ’s knee,” I said, my eyes lingering as I admired his profile. Laura’s reference to a sex god was accurate. His hair was a dark ash blond, long enough to run your fingers through. His jaw was firm with high cheekbones that made him undeniably sexy. And his skin was tanned, as if he spent hours in the sun. He was, without a doubt, gorgeous.
“His office sponsored the team,” I added, forcing myself to pull my gaze away.
“Well, hello then,” Laura joked. “Is he single? Because if I were you, I’d be saying a little extra thank you to the doc over there.”
Just as Laura offered her inappropriate suggestion, Luke glanced over at us. My face warmed with embarrassment. I smiled at him while Laura waved flirtatiously. “Can you make it any more obvious that we’re talking about him?” I swatted her hand down.
“Honey, it’s the south. Everybody flirts down here.” Laura winked.
“Help me finish setting up the snacks. The kids will be off the field soon.” I pulled out another tote filled with water bottles and juice boxes. “And stop eye fucking him.”
“Sure thing, as long as you give me a proper introduction to the hot doc.”
After the game was over and the boys had their huddle with the coaches, our table was bombarded with hungry children. I was so busy handing out fruit juice along with pretzels and crackers that I didn’t see Luke come up until he stood right across from me.
“We never had snacks like this when I played.” His voice was smooth, and it caused a flutter in my stomach.
The Perfect Life Page 3
