The Perfect Life

by Anderson, Callie

  As he had done every morning, he hit the snooze button and waited until I walked into the bedroom to grab my clothes. I sighed and remembered how once upon a time he climbed in the shower with me. There’d be no snooze button. Instead, for those ten minutes, he lathered my naked body with soap and made sweet love to me.

  Exhaling dramatically, I tightened the towel around myself and headed back to my room. Bruce didn’t utter a sound as I lathered lotion on my skin and changed into my clothes. It wasn’t until I walked out of the bedroom that he kicked the blanket off and found his way to the bathroom.

  “Today will be a better day,” I whispered as I walked down the hallway toward AJ’s bedroom. He was sound asleep as I pushed the door ajar. My sadness was shoved aside as my eyes landed on the perfect little angel in his bed. Though darkness haunted my marriage, my love and light of being a mom had never changed for AJ.

  Walking over to his sound machine, I turned it off and flicked on the light next to his crib. My hands curled around the dark wood of the rail and I leaned forward, envying his light, peaceful snores. I took a few minutes and watched as AJ slept. I loved every freckle, beauty mark, and square inch of his little body. I cherished the moments I was with him because I momentarily forgot that Bruce no longer loved me. AJ was the light in my darkness—the last shred of hope I had.

  Time would pass.

  He would get older and eventually Bruce would come back to me. The days were long, but the years would pass. I had to believe it.

  AJ slowly turned his head and stretched his legs. “Morning, sweet pea,” I whispered and brushed his dark blond hair away from his face. Loose curls had formed on the ends. “Take your time getting up so you’re not cranky,” I joked, and left him to his morning routine of rolling around until he was ready to get up. I learned when AJ was a year old that his personality was identical to mine. He was stubborn, hard-headed, and needed to do things when he wanted to.

  Me waking him in the morning when he wasn’t ready was a mini war of crying and screaming. I quickly realized that turning off his sound machine and letting him wake up on his own fixed the problem. If only my issues with Bruce were that easy to fix.

  Leaving AJ’s room, I headed toward the kitchen. Though the run had woken me up, I couldn’t function without coffee. As it brewed, the sweet, dark roast aroma lingered through the kitchen, and I prepared AJ’s lunch for daycare. He’d started going three times a week when he was almost two because his pediatrician and I felt he needed the social interaction with other kids. Of course, Bruce wanted nothing to do with daycare. He thought they were germ-infested disease carriers. But once he saw how verbal and playful with others AJ became, Bruce hopped on board. I was thrilled. I thought this would help him detach from AJ a little, and maybe, just maybe, he’d see me again.

  But I was still invisible.

  Monday afternoons involved Bruce asking AJ how daycare was. It didn’t matter that AJ didn’t know how to reply. Tuesday afternoons consisted of Bruce telling AJ that he would see his friends tomorrow and so on as I sat to the side envious, green with jealousy, hoping Bruce would ask me about my day. Unlike the two-year-old he was speaking to, I could reply.

  “Morning,” Bruce said as I put a handful of fish-shaped crackers in a Ziploc bag. He passed by me and headed straight for the coffee. Most mornings he poured himself a coffee and turned on the TV, but today he rested against the counter. I didn’t look at him, but I could feel his gaze on me. They call it gaze detection—the ability to feel when someone is staring at you. Slowly, I turned to face him.

  “How was your run?” he asked before taking a sip.

  “Good. Five miles this morning,” I lied, not needing him to know how hard I was pushing my body. There were times I wondered if he noticed how frail I was becoming.

  “That’s awesome.” His voice seemed genuine, and I turned back to packing AJ’s lunch. “Soon you’ll be running marathons.”

  “No,” I scoffed and could see him from the corner of my eye. “My body can’t take long distances like that.” The way Bruce was watching me piqued my interest. “What?” I asked, looking up at him. He looked clean and fresh from the shower. My heart ached at how handsome my husband was. Each day he became better looking. Self-conscious, I ran my hand along my skin. “Do I have Nutella on my face?”

  “No.” He shook his head slowly, and a small grin grew on his face. God, I missed his grin. We stood like that for a few seconds just staring at each other. His blue eyes were dark and mysterious like the deep sea. Bruce placed the cup down on the counter and walked over to me, wrapping his hands around my waist. His cologne enveloped me. My body ignited at his touch, not in a sexual way, but in a longing, hungry-for-more kind of way—a woman desperate for her husband to see her.

  “I was thinking.” His voice was low and sweet, his body pressed against mine. “Maybe it’s time for us to have another one.” He dropped his head and kissed the bare skin of my neck.

  My body froze as though Arctic water had been poured on my soul. The gentle sway Bruce moved to made me dizzy. My heart stammered in my chest and I could literally feel my stomach turn. Yes, when we got married we talked about the four kids we wanted, along with their names and how they would look by mixing our DNA. Kids had been a definite plan on our list. Multiple kids. It was why we agreed that we’d find a town and a house we’d call our home. It was why he forced his company to pick a location and he stopped traveling. But after two years of emotional absence, I couldn’t wrap my head around having another child. Not now. My throat tightened, making it impossible to breathe.

  “Another what?” I couldn’t hide the hesitation and confusion in my voice. My body was trembling.

  “A baby, of course.” His smile was wide at what I assumed was the thought of another little one. “AJ is almost two, and if we start trying now they’ll be close to three years apart.” He kissed my cheek, and under any other circumstances I would be filled with pure happiness that my husband’s hands were on me and his lips had voluntarily kissed my skin as opposed to the forced pecks I normally received. But as the words poured from his mouth like battery acid, I felt as though I would be more relieved to claw off my own skin.

  “Mommy!” AJ called out from his room, and I thanked my lucky stars his favorite word was still Mommy.

  “Let me go get him so you’re not late.” I pulled away from him and sprinted to AJ’s room.

  Having another child was an absolute no.

  No.

  No.

  No.

  My heart pounded, and I felt sick to my stomach. Before I entered AJ’s room, I stopped just outside his door and pressed my shaken body against the cool wall. Taking in a few calming breaths, I tried to steady my rapid heart rate. A baby? No. Please, God. I can’t go through this again. I covered my mouth and bit back a quiet sob.

  “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” AJ bellowed.

  Quickly I wiped the tears from my eyes and entered his room. “Good morning,” I sang as I turned on his light. “How is my sleepyhead doing?” I hoped my voice was happy and cheery and not as frantic as my insides were.

  “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” He held on to the edge of the crib and jumped with excitement.

  “Did you have a nice sleep?” I asked as I walked over to his bed.

  “Uppey, uppey!” His little hands reached for me.

  “Up please,” I repeated so he could learn that Uppey was two words and gave him a big hug. “Let’s get you ready.”

  The ten minutes it took me to get AJ ready had my mind wandering all over the place. Love from a child was unconditionally pure, and having two of them to love would be a dream come true, but what would happen to Bruce and me? Would I hate him even more than I do now? Would a second child push me to leave him, or worse, him leave me?

  “Lo you,” AJ said as I slipped his socks on.

  “And I love you, my sweet baby boy. Now, go tell Daddy you’re ready.” I placed him on the floor, and he ran out of his room and toward t
he kitchen.

  In a perfect world, I would be loved by my husband and have a house filled with children. But I didn’t live in a perfect world. And AJ was the only child’s love I needed.

  I headed back to the kitchen and finished packing his lunch. Bruce appeared with AJ in one arm and his briefcase in the other. “Here’s your lunch, AJ.” I handed him his Elmo lunch box.

  “Say bye-bye to Mommy,” Bruce said.

  “Bye, Mommy.”

  “Bye, baby. Have a good day.” I ran my hands through his shaggy hair and kissed his forehead.

  “Bye, Steph.” Bruce’s robotic-like kiss pressed against my face. What had happened to the husband who just minutes ago was kissing my neck in a loving manner?

  I watched from the kitchen window as Bruce placed AJ in his car seat. The second they were no longer in sight, the wave of loneliness crashed into my chest and suffocated me as though I was drowning in the deepest ocean.

  Every single day I tried to convince myself that it was just a lull, and in a few months or a year, I’d get my husband back. Now he wanted another child, and just like that the panic attack I fought daily started. My breathing grew irregular, my mind wandered to the happiness I no longer had in my marriage. Everyone knew a child didn’t fix a marriage. The problems you had would still be there while that innocent child cried for your love and attention.

  I couldn’t remember the last time Bruce and I went on a date that lasted longer than two hours because he didn’t want to be away from AJ. What would happen if we had two children?

  I curled up in a ball in AJ’s bedroom. My hands hugged my body in a vice grip as I let the depression sink in deeper. I was once so happy. So blissful. The person I was now, and the feelings that invaded my mind frequently, made me feel like a complete stranger to my own self.

  I was in a constant tug of war between what I felt and what I should be feeling. I felt alone, hurt, and abandoned, when I should have felt loved, happy, content. The moment Bruce mentioned wanting a second child, I should have pulled out my calendar and tracked my next ovulation cycle. My heart should have been skipping a beat as I prepared to bring another bundle of joy into the world.

  But I felt nothing but dread.

  I had everything I’d ever wanted, but I’d never felt so unhappy.

  Tears poured down my face as I welcomed the darkness once again.

  * * *

  Like clockwork, the house line rang at exactly 12:06.

  As I did every day, I’d cried for most of the morning and then washed my face before Bruce’s call.

  “Hello?” I answered calmly.

  “Hey, babe.” His voice was different today. There was a hint of joy in his tone. As if he was happy to talk to me. “What are you doing?”

  “Cleaning.” I swallowed back the boulder lodged in my throat. I knew he would want an answer to what he proposed this morning. When you spend countless hours picking apart every conversation you’ve had with your husband, you know what they’re thinking—sometimes before they do.

  “So . . .”

  I closed my eyes, anticipating the inevitable.

  “Did you give more thought to what I said this morning?”

  “I don’t know, Bruce. AJ is still in diapers and we’re....” Words failed me. How did I tell my husband that I selfishly didn’t want a child because I was the one who wanted his attention?

  “AJ will be potty-trained by the time you give birth. Remember how great you felt when you were pregnant with him? And I think we’re over the hump we had a few months back. We’re in a better place.”

  I cringed at his statement. I wanted to yell and curse and throw the phone against the wall. We weren’t in a better place. I’d simply given up. I’d mentally and physically shoved all my feelings aside. I’d cried every morning for the past six months. I ran countless miles to forget what I felt. We hadn’t gotten better; I’d gotten better at hiding it.

  “Let me think about it, okay?” My voice was shaky.

  “Okay, but I think it would be great for AJ to have a sibling close to his age.”

  “Got it.” I closed my eyes, wanting nothing more but for this conversation to end. “Listen, I have cleaning product all over the bathroom. Can we talk later?”

  “Sure thing, Steph. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.” I hung up the phone, and the only company I had was the deafening silence surrounding me.

  My mind was made up.

  In the last week I’d run farther and pushed myself to painful shin splits, but I caved. Bruce was right. As much as it pained me to admit, he was right. It was time for us to expand our family, for AJ’s sake. The thought alone made me nauseated. He needed a little brother or sister. I’d grown up as a single child and was alone most of my childhood. Yes, I was miserable, and I missed my husband, but I knew he wanted more children, and the sooner I gave him one, the sooner I’d have my husband back.

  At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

  The logic behind my madness.

  * * *

  “Hey,” I said as I answered the house line one afternoon.

  “You sound different today,” Bruce said before turning on his car.

  I inhaled and slowly exhaled. “I’m ready.” I closed my eyes, praying one last time that I was doing the right thing. “I think we should start trying.”

  “Yeah?” Bruce’s voice was filled with happiness.

  “But you have to promise me that the love and affection I received when I was pregnant with AJ will be the same. Promise me I won’t lose you again?”

  “You will never lose me, Steph. I don’t know what else I can do to show you how much I love you. I truly do,” he said in a loving tone.

  Tears filled my eyes, and for a moment I felt as if it was all in my head and the issues we had were fictitious bullshit. I felt my cheeks rise on my face as a smile grew on my face. “I love you, too.” The weight of the world had lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe.

  We would get through the storm.

  6

  Present

  “Do I have to get a shot this time?” AJ asked as we drove downtown toward the pediatric office.

  Glancing at him from the rearview mirror, I smiled. “No, sweetie. It’s just a physical for school. He’ll check your growth, your weight, and make sure you’re okay.”

  “That’s it?” His eyes widened.

  “That’s it.” I smiled

  A few minutes passed, and AJ spoke again. “I like Dr. Dixon.” I glanced back at him. “When he stitched my knee at the hospital, I didn’t even feel a thing.”

  “Yeah, you were pretty strong. That’s why you didn’t feel anything. But I think today you’ll see a new doctor.”

  “Why not Dr. Dixon?”

  “Well, AJ . . .” I paused, trying to articulate the proper way of telling my almost six-year-old that Mommy was starting to date his doctor, and therefore, it was ethically wrong for him to treat him. “Dr. Dixon works with a bunch of other doctors as part of a group, so when you really need him for something he will be around. Since this is just a physical, we’re going to meet a new doctor.”

  “Can I say hi to him?”

  “If he’s there, of course you can.”

  Satisfied with my answer, AJ returned to playing with his Lego figurine he had brought with him. Within a few short miles, I was pulling into Savannah’s Medical Group, one of the largest and oldest physician-owned multi-specialty practices in the city. The Group was focused on a patient-centered approach to care. The pharmacy was located in the basement below, and I could see any specialist I needed to. They also had a top-rated pediatric wing, which was perfect for AJ. A one-stop shop.

  After we checked in, we sat in the lobby as we waited for his name to be called. I kept my head low and fought the urge to peek through the window to see if I spotted Luke. He had been on my mind all weekend, and though I promised to call him the next time I was free, I wanted to catch him in his element. Instead, I k
ept my head low and watched as AJ chose one of the books they had available for kids to read.

  “AJ?” a nurse called from the door. AJ and I both stood, and I led him to the nurse. With a binder in her hand, she greeted him. “And how are you doing today?”

  “Fine,” he answered shyly.

  “Last door on the right,” she said, pointing down the hallway.

  As I followed behind her, I spotted Luke from the corner of my eye. I tried not to make eye contact, but when I noticed he was having a deep conversation with a petite brunette, I couldn’t help myself. They were standing in a corner close to one another as they whispered. It looked as if they were having an argument. His eyes met mine, and his face changed instantly. Looking straight ahead, I pretended I hadn’t seen him, but it was too late. He was already following me.

  “Stephanie?” he said.

  “Dr. Dixon!” AJ immediately brightened.

  “Hey, buddy. Everything okay?” He crouched so he was eye level with AJ.

  “Yep,” AJ said. “I have to get a physical for school, but I’m not scared.”

  “Good.” Luke patted him on the shoulder. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” He looked up at me. “I didn’t know you were coming.” The nurse who led us to a room had stopped, patiently waiting for us to finish our conversation.

  “I wasn’t sure you were working today.” I couldn’t understand why I said the following words, but as they left my mouth, I immediately regretted the jealousy that had formed inside me. “I guess you have friends all over,” I quipped, referring to the brunette he was talking to.

  Luke stood tall and chuckled. “No, she’s not a friend.”

  “More like his insanely talented kid sister,” the petite brunette said, joining in the conversation. “You must be her,” she added with a wide grin on her face.

  “Lucy, not here,” Luke said under his breath. He nodded toward AJ.

  “Sorry,” she apologized. “I’m Lucy. And you must be Stephanie. Luke hasn’t been able to keep his mouth shut about you.” She rolled her eyes as if her brother annoyed her to no end.