I closed my eyes as a tear slipped down my cheek. This wasn’t right. I had to be imagining this. “No,” I said quietly. “It was my fault,” I whispered. We had gotten into a fight. I wished him away, and then he got into an accident. All my fault.
“I rushed to your husband. He was bleeding but conscious and still alive. I ran back to my car and called the ambulance. I was able to pull him out of his car before it caught on fire. I pulled him out of the car and cleared his c-spine. He began to lose consciousness shortly after, and when the ambulance drove him to the hospital, I was right next to him. They rushed him into surgery—”
“Shut up.” I shook my head. “Shut up.” I covered my ears. I caused him to crash. He was speeding because I was crazy in the head.
“Stephanie, I’m so sorry. I should’ve apologized in the hospital, but I was a coward.” Luke’s voice cracked. “I had no idea he was your husband.”
I pulled my hands from my ears and opened my eyes. “You had no idea?” My voice was eerily calm, but internally, I was shaking with rage. “For months you knew who I was. For months you knew that my husband died, and you never put two and two together? AJ has his name!”
“You said you were responsible for your husband’s death.” He shrugged. “It never dawned on me that you felt emotionally responsible, not physically.” I folded my hands in front of my mouth as I fought back the urge to scream. “I thought maybe you’d been driving and you survived. And he didn’t.”
“You know my last name. You met Sue and Alistair. You’re AJ’s doctor, for crying out loud. How did you not piece it together?” My voice shrieked with hysteria.
“Your last name is Johnson,” He stood. “A very common last name. How was I supposed to know that the man I was responsible for killing was also your husband?” Luke ran his hand through his hair. “You never talk about him! You’ve never let me in!”
“Why now? Why do you need to tell me this now?” I demanded, tears pouring down my face. “You could’ve kept this to yourself.”
“When you invited me over for dinner, I saw the picture. That’s when it clicked.” He reached for my hands. “I’ve been wanting to apologize to you for a long time now.”
I yanked my hands from his. “I want you to leave.” I swallowed back as the contents of my stomach tried to make its way up my throat. “I want you to leave and never come back.” My jaw trembled as I bit down. “Do you understand me? You and I are done.”
“Stephanie . . .”
“No, Luke.” I rose and walked up a step, so he and I were eye level. The guilt, pain and sorrow I felt as I uprooted AJ and ran away invaded my mind. “I’ve been walking around with this burden in my heart for four years. I have wished on countless stars that I could take back the last words I said to him. I have prayed for just five more minutes with my husband. I’ve asked every god out there if I could trade places with Bruce, so AJ can have a relationship with his father.” I slid my fingers under my eyes and wiped away the tears. “That’s the guilt I feel every single day!” I swallowed against the tightness in my chest. “And now you sit here and tell me the man I’ve been sleeping with is the one who’s truly responsible for my husband’s death?”
“I’m sorry.” He lowered his head.
“I can’t look at you. I can’t be with you. I need you to leave and never come back,” I said through gritted teeth. “I need you to never ever show your face to me again.”
I didn’t say good-bye. I didn’t wait for him to respond. I slammed the door in his face as my heart broke into a million pieces.
* * *
My hands pressed against the solid door as tears streamed down my face. This couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be my life. The man I’d fallen in love with was the same man responsible for Bruce’s death.
My heart broke, my soul shattered, my faith in any higher power was diminished. How much longer did I need to suffer before I had a chance at happiness? And what higher power would make me fall for two different men only to strip them both from me?
I didn’t know how long I stood there with my hands pressed to the door, my forehead banging on the cold wood, cursing the universe, but a soft voice pulled me from my trance.
“Mommy?” AJ said in a sleepy voice.
I couldn’t turn around. He would see the tears in my eyes, the pain on my face.
“Was that Luke?” he asked, and I heard the hopefulness in his voice. My heart ached even more knowing what pain I would cause him by announcing that Luke would no longer be a part of our lives.
“You should be in bed.” I cleared my throat and ran my hands under my eyes.
“I know, but I saw Luke’s car, and I wanted to tell him about the sleeping bag.”
“AJ!” My voice was sharp. “I need you to go back to your room and go to bed.”
“I will, but I wanted to talk to Luke because I have a sleeping bag, but I don’t think we could both fit in it and I want to make sure he has his own so when—”
“AJ!” I barked and turned to him. It wasn’t my finest moment as a mother. “There is no camping trip. Luke isn’t taking you. And moving forward, he will no longer be a part of our lives.”
“Why?” His eyes widened. “Why isn’t he going?” His eyes filled with tears. “If he isn’t going, then I can’t go.”
“AJ.” My voice softened as I watched the dream of his fishing trip being ripped away from him. “We’re not talking about this now. Go to your room and go to sleep.”
“You ruin everything!” he cried out. “You destroy everything! I hate you, Mom. I hate you!” He stomped away.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t punish him. I didn’t demand an apology. I simply bit back the sobs that escaped my chest and slid down the front door.
It was okay that he hated me. I hated myself, too.
21
Present
I spent the entire night staring into nothing, pacing my house like a mad woman, and crying until tears permanently filled my eyes. AJ locked himself in his room while I brewed myself copious amounts of coffee. Hours passed, and I moved from room to room, my mind going back to when Bruce and I argued, the long jog I took, the officers at my door, the smell of the hospital, and the two doctors who told me that my husband was brain dead. It was an avalanche of memories and feelings.
I drank more coffee.
My mind went back to Sue who cried uncontrollably, to the funeral home that described the flowers in detail.
I drank more coffee.
I cried. I remembered Sue’s comment about Luke’s name looking familiar.
I buried my face in a pillow and screamed.
For the first time ever, I found the courage to read the accident report and saw that Luke Dixon was the first on the scene.
I relived that entire week of my life all over again. Except this time, I blamed Luke for everything. Luke had done this. Luke ruined my life. Luke took Bruce away from me.
Luke.
Luke.
Luke had been patient with me. Luke bonded with AJ. Luke had been my rock. Luke made me whole again.
I drank more coffee.
My face was pressed against the cool floor tile when I woke up the following morning. I awoke in my foyer with a full mug of black coffee beside me. How long had I been asleep? What time was it?
I rubbed the exhaustion from my face and stood. My stomach ached, and the amount of caffeine I consumed had surely caused an ulcer to form.
“AJ.” I said as I walked to his room. I cracked the door open and found he was still peacefully asleep in his bed. My gaze traveled to his nightstand and I looked at the clock. It was eight in the morning. Maybe I got a few hours of sleep. Better than nothing.
I closed his door and walked to my room. Pulling back the covers, I climbed in and buried my face in the pillow. Today, I couldn’t be an adult. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to drift back to sleep.
I woke up a few hours later to my phone ringing somewhere in the house. Nervously, I kicked o
ff the comforter and rushed to it. “AJ?” I shouted. “Are you—” My words were cut short when I noticed him on the couch. “Morning.” I glanced at the clock. It was almost noon. “Are you hungry?”
He lifted the box of Cheerios at his feet.
“Okay, lunch maybe?”
He rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote from the armrest. He turned the TV off, stood, and without uttering a sound, marched to his room. I startled when I heard him slam the door shut. Clearly, he was still mad.
I turned to go after him and explain why he couldn’t see Luke when my phone rang again. Choosing to answer the phone and not deal with my child hating me, I walked to the kitchen and grabbed it off the island.
Leslie’s name appeared on the screen. It had been a while since we caught each other up on life. I slid my finger across the screen and brought the phone to my ear. “So, you get a boyfriend and you disappear?” her voice sang before I had the chance to say hello.
“First, isn’t it too early in Arizona for you to be up? And second, he’s not my boyfriend anymore.” I walked back to the couch and curled up in a blanket.
“My kids never sleep, but that’s beside the point. What happened with Luke? Last we spoke, you were falling head over heels for him.”
I sighed, not knowing how to properly articulate my emotions. My heart was heavy and voicing my thoughts out loud would break it entirely. I cleared my throat and tried anyway. “You know how Bruce died in a car accident?” You will not cry again.
“Yeah?” Leslie said her voice tinted with hesitation.
“Well, the driver who caused that accident was Luke,” I said slowly. I swallowed the knot that tightened around my throat.
“No. Way.” I could hear disbelief in her voice. It was the same tone I held in mine when Luke told me the story.
“Way.” My eyes filled with tears.
“I don’t get it. Didn’t Bruce hit a tree?” Leslie said after a few seconds. “And how did he not know who you were prior?”
“That’s what I said.” I shook my head, not knowing how I’d gotten to this point. “He knew my last name, he knew I was a widow, he knew my husband died in an accident.”
“For a doctor, he has no common sense,” Leslie said matter-of-factly.
I laughed. Even though it pained me, I knew I could always count on Leslie to make me smile. “He claimed that I kept blaming myself for Bruce’s death, so he assumed I was the driver who caused the accident. I guess it didn’t help that our last name is so common in Savannah.”
“That sucks, love.”
“It really does.” I sniffled back.
“Can I play devil’s advocate for a bit?” Leslie said as she sucked in air between her teeth.
“Sure.”
“You guys broke up because he caused the accident, right?”
“Yeah.” Where was she going with this?
“Did he crash into Bruce because he was drunk or texting?”
“No.” I forced myself to remember everything Luke said. “He said he had just worked a long shift when he was a surgical resident and fell asleep behind the wheel. He swerved in his lane and Bruce lost control of the wheel.”
“Okay.” She paused, and I exhaled, not knowing that I’d been holding my breath. “So, it was an accident. An unfortunate one, but an accident.”
“I guess,” I admitted. I hadn’t thought about it that way. I shook my head. “I still can’t look at him. Because of him, I don’t have Bruce.”
“I get it, I do, but I also understand accidents.” I hated when Leslie was right. She herself had held an accident against her husband for years prior to them finding their way back to each other. “Look how long I blamed Ethan for what his father did to me. At the end of it all, it was an accident, and holding that grudge is only going to eat away at you.”
“I don’t know if I can let it go.”
“I’m not telling you to let it go. I’m not telling you to let him back into your life. I’m suggesting that maybe hating him isn’t going to make things any better.” Leslie sighed. “It could be what was destined all along.”
“You’re saying I was destined to get married, have a child, and lose my husband, all so Luke and I could end up together?”
“Yes. Or no.” She laughed. “Maybe the world needs AJ. Maybe you needed to lose Bruce to understand what true loss is and appreciate real love and what it entails. Maybe you needed to spend those four years away, so you could grow as a person.”
“That seems cruel.”
“I never said life was fair. But I don’t think he fell asleep behind the wheel of the car to maliciously kill your husband.”
“But I carried that guilt inside of me for so long. I still do. If Bruce and I hadn’t fought that day, he wouldn’t have come home to talk to me. He wouldn’t have left to get AJ. It could’ve all been prevented.”
“You’re right. But that was the path that was taken on that specific day. If you had gone to Florida for dancing instead of going to Arizona State, you would’ve never met Bruce. He would’ve never moved you guys to Savannah, and you wouldn’t have AJ.”
“What are you trying to say?” I asked.
“That everything happens for a reason. It doesn’t matter what that reason is. Hell, we may never know, but what I have learned in my few short years here on this Earth is that you can’t control everything in your life. You can’t control who walks in or who walks out. It may be cruel and unfair and painful, but things happen for a reason. Maybe Luke really didn’t know that Bruce was your husband. I’m pretty sure if he had, he would’ve told you sooner.”
I massaged the back of my neck. “When did you get all philosophical?”
She laughed. “I’m just trying to see the story from all angles. And not to get into it even deeper, but I’m on a roll now. Have you stopped to consider how he deals with his guilt?”
I bit my lower lip as I contemplated what Leslie was saying. “It’s still not enough. I would never be able to look at him or have him in the home that I built with Bruce.”
“I get it. You know firsthand how much I get it.”
I remembered how Leslie lost her dancing career because of her father-in-law, and how many years she carried that hatred toward him. “I don’t know what to do,” I admitted.
“I can only imagine the pain you’re in, my friend. But you have to remember you’ve lived through worse. You’ll get through this, too.”
I sighed again and felt my head begin to throb. “I hate being a grown-up.”
Leslie laughed. “Me, too.”
“I should let you go.” I yawned. “I haven’t slept in a few days, and AJ is pissed at me because he’s no longer allowed to see Luke.”
“Go,” she demanded. “Pour yourself a large glass of wine and watch some TV.”
“Thank you for this.”
“Always.”
* * *
AJ didn’t speak to me for three days. I was shocked that a six-year-old could hold a grudge against his mother for that long. “I was thinking we could go out for ice cream after dinner,” I said on Sunday night. He was sitting on the living room carpet with a puzzle broken up into pieces.
“No, thank you,” he replied coldly and began to piece his puzzle together. I quickly learned that AJ’s version of the silent treatment was that he never asked for anything extra. He told me when he was hungry and then asked if he could be excused. I was desperate to have my normal child back. The one I could bribe with ice cream.
“Come on, AJ,” I pleaded and slapped my hands at my sides. “You can’t stay upset with me forever.”
“Can Luke take me on my fishing trip next Saturday?” He looked up from his puzzle. His crystal blue eyes met mine.
Was I seriously having a debate with a child? “We discussed this.” I knelt down beside him. “Luke can’t be a part of our family anymore.”
He gathered his puzzle and shoved it back in its box. “Then I’ll be mad at you forever.” His lips pouted, and
creases formed on his tiny forehead. “Forever,” he repeated before storming back to his room.
AJ: 2 Mom: 0
I felt as though I had failed as a mom, a wife, a girlfriend, and a person. I was both devastated and heartbroken. AJ wouldn’t talk to me, and my heart ached for Luke. He was the cause of Bruce’s death, but not being with him destroyed my heart.
It was a different type of sadness than what I experienced when Bruce died. Breaking up had me in a constant state of vertigo and nausea. The pain in my chest felt as though my oxygen level was limited.
I’d known all types of pain. I broke an arm when I was child. I gave birth with no epidural. I sat through a root canal and a wisdom tooth retraction. I’d been to the hospital for kidney stones. Hell, I unplugged my husband from life support and watched his coffin lower into the ground. I knew pain. I’d lived through hell. But the pain I was in now, the pain of yet another love lost, made it impossible to think. I’d grabbed my phone to call him four different times. I’d cried myself to sleep and missed him more than I could have ever imagined.
Luke had brought me back. He stood by me as I rebuilt my broken soul. And he fought through every obstacle to break down the fort.
“AJ?” I said a few minutes after he stormed off. “Dinner is ready.”
“Fine,” he said and walked into the kitchen. He pulled the placemats from the drawer and grabbed the utensils. Nothing made his anger budge.
“Going forward, you can’t be mad at me, okay?” I said, setting his plate in front of him. Talking hadn’t worked, nor had bargaining. I was now demanding. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
He reminded me so much of his father, the way I would sit there and argue with Bruce for hours and hours and make myself crazy, only to have him say okay. He was built just like his dad. Infuriating and stubborn.
* * *
The following Friday night I was curled up on the couch once again while watching another episode of How I Met Your Mother when my phone rang. Since I wasn’t going out with Luke for our typical Friday night date, and AJ was still giving me an attitude, a playdate at Laura’s house was pointless. But sure enough, it was her name that appeared on the screen.
The Perfect Life Page 19
