The Perfect Life

by Anderson, Callie

  “AJ!” I shouted. “AJ, it’s Mommy!” Please be here, I begged. I made it out of the makeshift parking lot and onto the dock. Rows of boats swayed on the water and I couldn’t remember which one Luke’s was.

  “Luke!” I bellowed. “AJ!”

  Suddenly, my breath caught in my chest and I stopped. Fifty feet in front of me, Luke stepped off of his sailboat with AJ curled up in his arms. My sweet little baby boy. My legs buckled, and I fell to my knees, scraping them against the rough wood.

  “AJ,” I said on a relieved breath. He was okay. AJ’s hands were curled around Luke’s neck, his legs locked in a vice grip around his torso. Luke walked toward me, AJ’s book bag in his free hand. Even from this distance, I could see the relief on his face.

  I covered my mouth with my hands and bit back a sob. He had found him. I blinked away my tears, and Luke nodded at me. A nod that spoke many words.

  Your son is okay.

  He is coming home.

  You haven’t lost him forever.

  I will always do anything for you.

  I love you, too.

  The last one was faint, but I heard it. Wiping tears from my face, I stood and ran to them. My legs felt like Jell-O and my heart raced in my chest.

  “AJ, sweetie,” I sobbed. “You’re okay.” I pulled him from Luke’s arms and hugged him tightly. “You’re okay. How did you get here?” I rubbed my hand up his back. “Oh, thank God you’re okay.”

  “I walked. I’m sorry, Mom,” he whimpered.

  “It’s okay.” I rocked him in my arms. “You’re okay. That’s all that matters.”

  Luke gently placed his hand on my shoulder, and I looked back at him. “He’s safe now.”

  “Thank you.” My words were shaky. “From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

  “There’s no need to thank me.” A small grin grew on his face. “I’m glad he’s okay.”

  “Mom?”

  “Yes, AJ?” I swallowed against the tightness in my chest

  “I’m sorry I ran away.” He hugged me tighter. “I really wanted to go on the camping trip with Luke.”

  “I know.” I bit my lower lip and tried to keep my voice calm.

  “Do you think, maybe, I can still go?” he asked.

  I sighed. “AJ.”

  “Please, Mommy.” He pulled away from my neck and looked into my eyes. “All of my friends are going with their dads, and I don’t have one of those.”

  One little sentence from AJ hurt more than anything I’d ever felt. I looked over at Luke and decided, at that moment, I needed to put my issues with him on pause. My lips trembled as I tried to form words.

  “I’d be honored,” he said, reading my thoughts.

  “Thank you,” I mouthed.

  He draped his arm around me and kissed the top of my head. At that moment, I wished that we could go back. I wished that I could find it in my heart to forgive him.

  But it wasn’t that simple.

  24

  Present

  Luke had taken AJ on his Cub Scout trip, and according to AJ it was the best trip of his life. Luke offered to stay as active as I’d allow in AJ’s life, but since that meant I would constantly see him, I told him I would think about it.

  Two weeks later I sat across from Margie, my newest therapist. She was dressed in a black pencil skirt with a cream silk blouse, one leg was folded over the other, and a modest peep-toe high-heeled shoe dangled off one foot. The reading glasses she wore rested on the bridge of her nose, and her dark brown eyes stared at me tentatively.

  I blinked, and she looked down at her watch, then back at me. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” she asked. We’d been sitting in silence for the last twenty minutes.

  There wasn’t much she didn’t know about me. Kathleen, my former therapist, had forwarded my file, so she knew about Bruce and the four years I lived moving from state to state. But she didn’t know about Luke. No one knew about him.

  Luke. The man I loved.

  Luke. The man who was to blame for Bruce’s death.

  I gently tapped a pattern on the armrest as I gnawed on my lower lip and inhaled a calming breath. “I think my love language is physical touch,” I blurted out. “I read, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. He’s sold millions of copies, so I figure he knows what he’s talking about.” I shrugged and laughed uncomfortably.

  “I see.” Margie stated.

  “Often, I think if I had known what my love language was, Bruce and I wouldn’t have fought so much.”

  “How so?” she asked.

  “The book explains that everyone has their own love language, and the majority of the time, people aren’t married to someone who has the same love language as they do. So, whereas I spoke to Bruce with physical touch because that was my language, Bruce’s love language was acts of service. I constantly wanted to touch him and have him touch me back, but he spoke his love to me by taking care of AJ. Our languages were foreign to each other.”

  “Do you think this was evident from the very beginning?”

  “It was.” I nodded in agreement. “When we were married, before AJ, we spent a lot of time apart. And the times we were together, he did everything for me, and that’s how I knew he loved me. He bought me small trinkets, cooked me dinner, made sure I had the last bite of the chocolate chip pancake. All the while, I couldn’t keep my hands off him. We spoke different languages to each other, but in the first two years of marriage, we were so high on the love that we didn’t see it. It blinded us. Thinking about it now, I see it as clear as day. Bruce always loved me. He showed me his love by taking AJ to daycare, giving him a bath at night, cleaning up the dishes after dinner.” I scoffed. “I look back now and see that he showed me he loved me through his language, though all I wanted was for him to physically touch me. We didn’t communicate properly.”

  “I see,” Margie said. “That’s quite a revelation you’ve made.”

  “I’m rambling because I’m nervous. My marriage is not why I’m here,” I admitted.

  “No?” she said.

  “I know everything that went wrong in my marriage. I understand now that Bruce and I had different love languages and we couldn’t figure it out in time. I also realize I had postpartum depression, which didn’t help.” I shrugged. “Instead of explaining to him what I needed, I created stories in my head. We never had a chance to go to therapy together, but I know my husband loved me the best way he knew how. Since he’s passed, I’ve moved on, I’ve let go. But I’m here to talk about Luke.”

  I looked up as she wrote something on her notepad. I assumed it was Luke’s name, in the event she had to go back and reference anything. I didn’t wait for her to say anything else; I told her everything about Luke. I went into great detail describing our relationship, his relationship with AJ, and how, ironically, he was the one who caused Bruce to swerve off the road.

  “Oh,” Margie said after sitting back in her seat.

  “Yep.” I sighed as I tried to hide the tears. “That’s where the problem lies,” I said and flicked away a tear with my nail.

  “How so?” Margie asked and handed me a tissue.

  “I’ve spent the last four years learning to forgive myself. I spent that time focusing on me and bettering myself. I became a better mom for AJ. I studied the love languages. As you know, I spoke to many therapists about my struggles. And I finally opened myself up to the possibility of falling in love again. Not to mention, Luke’s love language is physical touch. Everything was going perfect. But now the other shoe has dropped, and I don’t know if I can forgive him.”

  Margie brought her pen to the corner of her lip for a second before laying it down on her lap. “I need to be candid with you,” she stated. “The majority of the time, when I speak to someone who is grieving for their husband and has gone through a trauma like you have, there’s a lot of work to be done. But you’ve put in the work. You’ve been in therapy for four years now with multiple therapists. You know who you a
re, and you also have the tools imbedded in you to figure this out.” She unfolded her legs and sat straight on the chair. “I can’t tell you what you should do. I can’t tell you that you should forgive Luke or whether you should ever speak to him again. You have to make that decision for yourself. I can tell you that you have the tools to figure that out.”

  It didn’t matter that the tools were embedded in me. Forgiveness was one hell of a motherfucker to give.

  * * *

  I sat on the deck with my wine in my hand as Scott and Max ran around. It was a beautiful Friday in August and the sun warmed my skin. I watched as they took turns climbing up AJ’s playground and sliding down the slide as if they were on a hidden pirate ship.

  “Arrr,” AJ said when he climbed back up to the top.

  “It’s out yonder, mate!” Scott pointed to the other side of the yard. They were looking for the golden treasure that had been left behind from a shipwreck.

  A small smile grew on my face, but as happy as I was to see AJ with Scott, I felt so empty inside.

  I had been back in Savannah for over six months, AJ had found his group of friends, and this was the first time I was alone. I had AJ by my side, and my relationship with Sue and Alistair had finally become what I had envisioned. I also had Laura, who turned out to be a phenomenal friend, and Leslie, who called once a week.

  I wasn’t alone, but my heart was. At night, when I missed Luke the most, I closed my eyes and wished I could call him and see how his day went. I missed our late-night conversations, his daily texts. I missed him.

  AJ would be starting school in a few weeks and I wanted his advice on the best after school programs to enroll him in. It was nice to have someone to share my concerns with. Someone to assure me I wasn’t royally screwing up my son.

  No. I didn’t have any of that. I was all alone.

  Yes, Luke still hung out with AJ as often as his schedule allowed. He scooped him up for lunch or ice cream, never once coming inside. Now that baseball season was over, and soccer had picked up, Luke stood on the other side of the field as AJ ran up and down. He cheered him on and bellowed across the field when AJ scored. My heart ached at these moments.

  We, however, never talked. He would glance quickly at me with a soft smile on his face. I had asked him for space, and he was giving it to me. But was that what I really wanted?

  “Earth to Stephanie!” Laura said, waving her hand in my direction. My mind had wandered off so far that I forgot she was sitting next to me.

  “Oh, sorry.” I blinked away the thoughts in my head and looked over at her. She held up her empty wineglass along with the empty bottle.

  “You want another?” she asked, and I nodded. She climbed off her Adirondack chair and ran inside my house.

  We moved the Friday playdate—which had consisted of me spending the night with Luke—to us sitting on my deck for our own version of happy hour. The kids played in the yard while we sipped on a cocktail or two. Laura walked back out holding a bottle of rose wine, and I laughed at how her All Day Rose T-shirt matched the glass bottle in her hand. Leaning forward, she poured a heaping amount into my glass.

  “Are we going to talk about where you’ve been this past hour?” She lifted her glass to her lips and took a small sip.

  I shook my head nonchalantly. “I was just daydreaming.” She knew I was lying. Laura knew that the second my eyes wondered off and the frown lines grew on my face, it meant I was thinking about Luke.

  “Have you talked to him this week?” It was a question she asked often. Unwanted tears appeared in my eyes and I shook my head. I still had not found the courage to speak to him. It didn’t matter what tools I had embedded in me. I still couldn’t get over it all. “You really miss him, don’t you?” I nodded, unable to speak. “And there’s no way you guys can make it . . . work?”

  She had asked that question six different ways in the past three weeks, but all with the same intent. It was my own fault for telling her what Margie had said to me.

  “I don’t know.” My voice lowered with exhaustion and I looked down at the wooden planks that covered my deck. “I wish it were that simple.”

  “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

  I inhaled and closed my eyes. “I’ve gone through worse.” I swallowed back another sob and looked over at AJ and Scott. “It’ll take some time, but I’ll be fine in the end.”

  Laura didn’t touch on the subject again as she leaned back and took another sip of her wine. She joined me as I watched the kids. It would get better, I reminded myself. I just didn’t know how long it would take to get there.

  * * *

  AJ was taking a tour of his new school, and I took the opportunity to sneak in a quick run while he was at orientation. My mind was still stuck with memories and thoughts of Luke, and I figured a quick jog would help me clear it. I grabbed my favorite running sneakers, did a few stretches, and headed out the door. I alternated between jogging and walking as I followed a familiar trail that I’d run many times in the past. Before Luke, I ran with my eyes narrowed downward as I focused on the run. I pushed myself further, faster, and worked on my breathing. Post Luke, I kept my eyes glued to any other runner I spotted. I had bumped into him on this trail before, so my hopes were high that lightning would strike twice.

  Ending on the other side of town, I finished my run, my heart pounding in my chest, and with no sighting of Luke. My legs ached with a familiar pain and I was famished. Needing something to munch on, I walked to the coffee shop Luke and I met at the first time for coffee.

  Butterflies danced in my stomach, but I pushed that thought away and convinced myself it was the hunger talking. I pulled back the door and cold air blew against my sweaty skin. Slowly, I held my breath, not exactly knowing whether I wanted to see him or not. The aroma of freshly ground coffee beans and cinnamon greeted me, and my mouth watered a for quick caffeine fix. Hesitantly, I looked around for him. I wanted him to be there. As much as I fought against it, I missed him terribly. I stood at the back of the line staring at the menu, but every few seconds I peered behind me to see if I saw him. When I approached the barista, I ordered a small dark roast, along with the infamous muffin.

  “For here or to go?” he asked, punching my order into the tablet.

  “Here,” I said. Maybe, just maybe, he would show up.

  I took my plate and sat at the same table I had with Luke, then took turns between sips of coffee and bites of the muffin. While I ate, I unintentionally replayed our time together. I replayed every laugh and conversation we shared. When I stepped outside, the thick air glued to my skin, and the tears I’d been fighting so hard to hold back trickled down my face. I didn’t know why I missed him so much, but I felt as if I had left pieces of me with him. Pieces I came to realize I’d never get back

  25

  Present

  There was a chill in the air that indicated that summer was leaving us. It was still warm during the day when the sun was high, but early in the morning you could feel the cool breeze on your face.

  “AJ!” I bellowed from the garage. “We’re going to be late.”

  I climbed into the car and slammed the door shut as he ran out of the house and opened his car door. “Sorry,” he said and climbed in.

  “Do you have your list?” I asked, looking back at him through the rearview mirror. We had a few errands to run before picking up his school supplies; errands I was dreading. First stop on our list was the pediatrician’s office.

  My nerves were wound up in a tight ball that sat in the pit of my stomach. As I stepped further into Luke’s office, I could hear humming inside my ears.

  “Hi, AJ,” Sara, the receptionist, said as she checked us in. “You guys can come right in.” She smiled and buzzed the door that separated the waiting room from the back offices. It opened.

  AJ, who had become the social butterfly of the office, waved and greeted everyone as we passed. My heart skipped a beat when I heard Luke’s voice behind an office do
or, and I slowly exhaled air that was trapped in my lungs.

  “He misses you,” a female voice said from behind me. Startled, I spun to face her. “Sorry,” Lucy said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.

  “Hi, Lucy.” I tried to calm my breathing and smile. Luke’s sister was much younger than he was, and unfortunately, she and I hadn’t become friendly. My time with Luke was so short that I never had the chance to meet his family or friends.

  “He misses you. He’s not the same since you guys stopped seeing each other.” She lowered her voice and took a step closer. “I know it’s none of my business.”

  “You’re right, it’s none of your business.” Luke’s voice rose from behind me.

  I turned back to face him and felt dizzy when our eyes connected. Lucy sucked in through her teeth and marched in the other direction. Luke held my gaze, and I fought back the urge to run to him. It would make the pain in my chest dissipate.

  Forcing a small smile instead, Luke cleared his throat and focused his attention on AJ. “So, are you excited for school?” Luke asked as he held the exam room door open wide.

  “Yeah,” AJ said as he climbed onto the exam table. “I got to see the school last week. It’s the biggest building I’ve ever been in. It’s bigger than this building,” he said enthusiastically.

  I snuck inside and sat on the chair as Luke and AJ chatted. AJ spoke about his classroom and teacher as Luke examined him. I felt invisible.

  When Luke was finished, he tapped AJ on the shoulder and promised him a trip to a baseball game the next time the Red Sox were in town.

  Without a word to me, he turned on his heel and left the exam room. I felt hurt. Angry. I deserved at least three words. He owed me at least some bullshit script he used with other parents.