Christmas at the Tree Farm

by Maddy Reeves

  With tears flowing freely down my face, I drive back to the motel.

  Chapter 24

  I wake up the next morning emotionally exhausted. My eyes are swollen and red from a night spent crying and searching the internet for plane tickets. The price of a ticket is ridiculously expensive two days before Christmas, but in my sorry state last night, I didn’t see any other choice. My heart is just as broken in the light of day as it was staring up at the huge sphere of a moon last night. I thought coming to Willowdale was the chance I needed to mend my broken heart, but I was wrong. The last thing I expected from this experience was to leave in a worse state than I was in when I arrived. It’s probably silly, but after everything, I hate that she walked inside and took my place last night. I wanted to be the one spending Christmas with Clay and Levi, Frankie and Ed. I don’t know much about what’s going on, but I know Rachael doesn’t deserve to be there. Not after she walked out on Clay and Levi and neglected them for all of these years.

  It takes a while to pack all of my things considering I’ve been here for many weeks now. Willowdale will forever hold a piece of my heart, it will always mean something special to me. But I can’t afford to give away any more of myself, not when Clay hasn’t been honest with me. Every time I think about the fact that Rachael is still his wife, my legs get shaky and I have to lean against the furniture, or sit down for a moment. Can it be true that they aren’t officially divorced?

  My call to Frankie goes straight to voicemail, so I leave a message letting her know I won’t be at the farm today. I’ll call her again once I’m home and there’s a safe distance between Clay and me. The last thing I need to do before heading to the airport is take Ed’s truck keys to the motel office. Once I’m gone, they can come collect the truck. By then, I’ll be gone without anyone to try to talk me out of leaving.

  Warren’s phone number is written on a card in my purse, which I call when it’s time to leave for the airport. The few things I bought when I first got to town are packed away in my bag while I sit on the bed in front of my little tree, waiting. With everything that has happened, I feel bad about leaving the tree behind, but I also have no idea what I would do with it. My fingers brush over the soft needles as I think about the night Clay stopped by with it. At the time, I wasn’t sure he was capable of something so sweet and thoughtful. It was that same night that I really thought there was something special between us.

  My phone rings just as I’m standing up to check out the window to see if the taxi has arrived. It’s Frankie. My stomach clenches as I tuck my phone back into my pocket and step outside.

  Warren pulls up a few minutes later and helps me get the few things I have inside his car.

  “Busy day to be going to the airport.” He doesn’t waste any time with small talk once we’re on the road. The further we get from Willowdale, the louder my heart pounds. All I can hope is that I can make it on the plane without completely breaking down.

  “I know,” I finally manage to say, “I didn’t do a good job planning.”

  “You heading home to be with family?”

  It’s a simple question but I don’t want to answer in a way that will cause him to pity me. I couldn’t take it, not with how hard I’m already fighting to keep my tears away.

  “I’m planning on spending Christmas with my friend and her family. How about you? What are your plans?”

  “It’ll be a quiet one this year. Just me and my wife.”

  “Is she feeling any better? It’s an awful time of the year to be sick.”

  “She’s had a rough go of it. This morning she finally had some color in her face again, and it sounds like she’s breathing a little easier.”

  “I’m glad she’s on the mend. You know, Christmas is such a great time of the year—but it’s stressful at the same time. We’re always trying to make things perfect, aren’t we?”

  “You’re right about that.”

  “I know you didn’t want to get a tree without your wife, but it might help lift her spirits if you put up a little one. Surprise her with it. I had a friend do that for me while I was here, and it really helped when I was feeling lonely.”

  “Now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea. It’s always been her favorite thing about Christmas.”

  I relax into the seat, gazing out the windows at the trees and mounds of snow that we pass, wishing the ache inside of me would ease just a little.

  “How long have you and your wife been together?” I ask.

  “We’ll celebrate our forty-second wedding anniversary this spring.”

  “Oh, my goodness,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief. “That’s an impressive amount of time.”

  “How about you? Anyone special in your life?”

  Before I can stop it from happening, Clay’s face pops into my head. Suddenly, I’m haunted by his moonlight blue eyes and perfectly arranged blonde hair. The dimple in his cheek when he smiles is the most disarming thing about him, though.

  “Yes and no.” It’s the most honest answer I can give him.

  And then, it all becomes too much. I have to close my eyes to shut out the possibility of what could’ve been. I try to shut out the possibility of a future that I dreamed about here, even if I didn’t acknowledge it at the time.

  When we reach the airport, I give Warren a hug and thank him for his kindness. It’s packed with travelers as I make my way through the crowds toward the check-in area. Thankfully, the weather is cooperating and all flights are on time. My phone buzzes again and when I pull it out of my pocket, I see Clay’s name on the screen. I almost press the button to accept the call. He owes me answers after all, and it might help me to move on if at least I hear him say that he’s going to try to work things out with his wife. I’ll have my answer, and I can leave this all behind me.

  Instead, I let it go to voicemail. But, moments later, it buzzes again. Clay’s calling again.

  I spot a bench over against the wall and make my way to it, sitting down before my legs give out. I’m trying my best not to ugly cry. As the tears splash down my cheeks, I continuously catch them with my fingers and hope that eventually my eyes will dry up so I’ll make it to my gate on time.

  When my phone buzzes again, this time revealing Frankie’s name, I know that they’re on to me. As soon as I pull myself together, I’ll get to my gate and somehow, I’ll get through this too.

  I send Kendra a text letting her know that I’m getting on a plane for home, and I’ll explain everything once I’m back.

  Chapter 25

  After what feels like an eternity, I’m sitting in my seat on the plane, preparing to fly home. My phone is shut off now for takeoff, and it’s for the best. Clay’s been calling non-stop. Maybe he deserves to have me hear him out so he can explain himself, but I’m too hurt right now. I feel like too much the fool.

  We touch down after I sleep the whole way back. I move through the sea of people, my thoughts drifting back to this very scene not so long ago when I happened upon a scruffy looking bear at my feet. The thought of Levi makes me smile as well as the rude version of Clay who seems like nothing more than a stranger.

  After a long ride in a taxi, I finally arrive back home. Really, it was never supposed to be more than a temporary place for my dad and me to stay. But now, it feels like home as much as any other place. Still, when I step inside, it’s too quiet and empty. All of the warmth that I used to feel here has gone.

  Perched on the edge of the couch, I pull out my cell phone to finally address the nine missed calls from Clay. Instead of calling him back, though, I call Kendra.

  “Hey, I’m back.” She answers the phone after the second ring. I know she’s dying to hear about everything that happened and why I suddenly decided to bail on the future we talked about.

  “I take it the talk didn’t go as well as you hoped?” she asks. “I’m sorry that I suggested it, but it really needed to happen.”

  “We didn’t actually get around to the talk. I drove over
with the intention of putting it all on the table, but his wife showed up. She was there to spend Christmas with her family.”

  “Wait, his ex-wife showed up at the farm?” She sounds just as full of disbelief as I was.

  “Yes. Though she didn’t refer to herself as his ex-wife. She clearly stated that she was his wife.”

  “What did Clay have to say about that?”

  “I didn’t wait around to ask him. I felt like such a fool, Kendra. I can’t even explain it in a way that does it justice.”

  “Oh, this is awful. My shift ends in an hour. Can I stop by and we’ll finish our talk then?”

  “Please,” I say, not bothering to hide the desperation in my voice. “It’s so empty here.”

  “I’ll see you soon,” she says.

  Once we hang up, I decide to do what I’ve put off since my dad died—go through his things and clean out his room. I got so far as to put the boxes outside of his bedroom door, but never any further. When I finally push his door open, the room is musty but still holds hints of my dad’s scent. That familiar smell that goes along with using the same soap year after year.

  I start with his closet, folding his clothes before placing them in a box. He has a bookshelf against the wall, overflowing with all of the books he devoured over the course of his treatments. They go in another box, but I keep a few that I know were his favorites. He had a habit of highlighting and scribbling notes in the margins of books that really resonated with him. Reading through his scribbled thoughts now that he’s gone helps preserve my memories of him.

  I’ve just taped up another box when the doorbell rings. Kendra doesn’t wait to be invited inside and the next thing I know, she’s wrapped me in her arms. I hug her back, absorbing the much-needed comfort after the last few days.

  “Should I be sorry that I suggested you go to the tree farm?” She’s holding onto my shoulders, keeping me at arm’s length so she can read the expression on my face.

  “Of course not. I’m glad you suggested it. I needed to get away and somehow, being at the farm helped me come to terms with my loss. Even though it didn’t work out the way I hoped.”

  “Have you talked to Clay, yet?”

  “Not yet. I will…I just need to wait until I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Right now, every time I think about it, I feel like I’m going to burst into tears.”

  “Should I make some tea?” She’s holding my hands in hers, staring at me with concern covering her features. It’s just what I needed today—a little sympathy.

  “I don’t know what’s in the house, but I imagine there’s tea somewhere.”

  “I’ll go ransack the cupboards. Put your feet up, I’ll be back.”

  She disappears into the kitchen while I think about the fact that I’ll need to grab a few things from the store. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I don’t even have milk in the house. As soon as Christmas pops into my head, I shuffle down the hallway to the storage closet.

  “What’re you doing?” Kendra’s standing in the living room with a steaming mug of tea when I walk back in hauling a large plastic bin.

  “It doesn’t feel very much like Christmas in here. I thought I’d at least put up a few decorations. Usually I go all out so this just feels depressing.” I wave my hand around the room, showcasing how empty it is without any decorations.

  “Sit down and drink your tea with me. Then, I’ll help you put out whatever you want. We can even go grab a tree if you want.”

  “That’s a good idea!” I take the tea and sit down with her on the couch. “I wonder if they’re still being sold this close to Christmas.”

  “There’s bound to be one or two left on a lot somewhere. When does the tree farm officially close in Willowdale?”

  “We were planning on closing it tomorrow.”

  She must sense my mood drop because she quickly apologizes for bringing it up.

  “Don’t apologize. It’s constantly on my mind as it is.”

  “I know. I’m just sorry for how complicated everything became.”

  “Me too. If Clay would’ve stayed the same cold, impersonal guy that I met initially, I wouldn’t have fallen for him in the first place. It was when I realized that the circumstances around his marriage are what made him so cold that I started to think of him in a different light. He’s actually really sweet…and a great dad. And handsome.”

  Kendra laughs. “I was waiting for that!” I can’t help it, even now I still imagine the way his lips felt against mine the first time he kissed me. It was so different from any other kiss, because of the connection I felt. I should’ve known then that it would lead to a broken heart. “You never know what will happen,” she continues, “maybe things will work out after all.”

  I want to believe her but I know better than to get my hopes up.

  “You really wouldn’t mind going with me to get a tree? Because that would help lift my spirits.”

  “Then let’s go.”

  Chapter 26

  It isn’t the most festive, but Kendra and I pull into the parking lot of the closest grocery store where there’s still a small set up with Christmas trees. This time of year, the sun disappears too soon, but at least it helps the Christmas lights shine a little brighter. Just as we expected, there aren’t many trees left. What at one point must have been rows of trees has been reduced to a single row with a handful to choose from. Still, the strong smell of pine lingers in the air, taking me to my happy place. An older man walks out of a small trailer and I get a peek of a small TV and space heater inside.

  “I didn’t expect to see anyone today. We’ve been slow as molasses the last few days.”

  “I just got back into town. I thought I’d go without this year, but my place looks too empty without a tree.”

  “Well, we’ve only got a few left.” He points us in the right direction even though it’s obvious where we’re headed. If they’ve been that slow, though, he’s probably eager to be able to do something besides sitting in his trailer killing time.

  “This really simplifies the process.” I point to the three trees that look like they have the most life left, looking to Kendra to give me her opinion.

  “Go with the thickest one. You’ve always liked the big ones.”

  “I’ll give it a fresh cut for you. That’ll make it last a little bit longer.”

  “Perfect. We’ll take this one.”

  Once I pay for the tree, the man ties it to our car. Before we pull away, I notice the sign indicating the trees came from a local tree farm. Of course, the first thing that pops into my head is how the Harrison’s could do something like this next year. That beautiful farm really has a hold on me.

  “You don’t have to work on Christmas, do you?” We’re driving back home with our tree tied securely on top of the car, bags of groceries in the back.

  “Not yet. Unless something comes up, I should be off.”

  “What does your mom want me to bring?”

  “I’ll ask her, but I’m sure she already has everything ready to go. Maybe some of your delicious treats?” She reaches over and squeezes my arm, giving me a warm smile. “Do you think you’ll stay?”

  At first, I can’t think of what she’s talking about. “Stay?” I ask.

  “Yes. I mean, now that your dad is gone.”

  “I don’t know where else I’d go.” She’s right of course. Now that it’s just me, I could go anywhere. “I still think about Gloria’s chocolate shop back in Willowdale. It would be a dream come true, but—”

  “I know.” She takes my hand and holds it tightly while I mull over my thoughts. “You’ll figure it out, one way or another.”

  I hope she’s right. I want to believe that she is.

  Back home, we get the tree up and hang a few stockings from the mantel. And just like that, it doesn’t feel quite so sad. We watch a Christmas movie and drink some hot chocolate. She hangs around longer than she usually would and I know it’s because she wants to make sur
e I’m okay after everything that’s happened.

  Eventually, it’s late and we’re both tired. Kendra leaves and though I have every intention of going right to sleep, instead, I think about Clay and the farm. With my cell in my hands, I go back and forth about finally calling him and breaking my silence. I know I need to talk to him, maybe even give him a chance to explain himself. Either way, it would feel good to clear the air.

  I didn’t mention it to Kendra, but I have so much guilt for leaving without saying good-bye to Levi. He’s not going to understand like Frankie and Ed will. All he knows is that we spent time together sledding, playing games, baking in the kitchen, and then one day I was just gone. After his own mom walked out on him, I can’t believe I did the same thing. Not that I’m trying to be his mom, but I want him to know that I care about him and he can depend on me to be there for him.

  Finally, before my nerves get the best of me, I hit the call button. Seconds later, it starts ringing. While it rings, I realize that I shouldn’t have walked out on Clay either. Rachael already did that to him once and he’s spent years trying to put his life back together. I let my emotions take over without giving him a chance to explain anything. When did I become such a mess?

  Clay’s voice talks to me through the phone, telling me to leave a message because he can’t take the call. I break a little bit more as I press the end button and let my phone drop next to me in bed. I pull the covers over my head and try my best to hide away until I fall asleep. It’s a terrible feeling not knowing if any of the choices I’ve made were right or wrong.

  I’ve been hiding under the covers for a little while when I think I hear a knock at the front door. Without knowing for sure, I pull my head out from under the covers and listen, waiting to see if it comes again. Sure enough, only a few moments later, there’s a definite knock at the front door.