I Have Lived And I Have Loved: A Charity Romance Collection

by Willow Winters

  Bending my knee, I knelt on the soft mattress and wiggled my way under the blankets. Once I did, Van pulled them up over me. For a moment he hesitated. Shaking his head, he turned, but before he could go, I seized his large hand.

  “Wait.”

  Turning his hand over, I ran my fingers over his palm. “Your hands, they’re not callous.”

  “I have a great lotion regime.”

  A smile came to my lips. “I was beginning to think you lied about not living here. But if you lived out here and chopped wood, your hands would be rougher.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t try to figure me out, Julia.”

  “Is that mutual? Are you not trying to figure me out?”

  Sitting on the edge of the bed, he sucked in a breath. “I think I have you figured out.”

  “Am I that obvious?”

  “Somewhere there’s a man who did you wrong. You’re searching for a life that isn’t planned out, and in the process, you found yourself stranded in a snowstorm.”

  “I wasn’t completely stranded,” I said. “I followed the white ribbon.”

  Van’s gaze narrowed. “The white ribbon.”

  “With all the snow, I couldn’t see the road, so I told myself to follow the white ribbon.”

  He nodded. “What did he do?”

  Pressing my lips together, I shook my head.

  “I don’t say this often, but I’m sorry he hurt you.” Van’s finger traced down my cheek in a display of familiarity that felt surprisingly right. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

  “I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I think it was to get away.”

  His smile bloomed. “If that was it, I’d say you got it.”

  “I did.” When he started to stand, I again reached for his hand. “I just ended a...relationship, and I’m not looking for a new one.”

  “That’s good because I’m not the relationship kind.”

  “You’re the good kind, though. You didn’t need to rescue me or take care of me, but you did.”

  “Julia, I promise, I’m not good.”

  I fought the tears as I held tight to his hand. “I’m tired of pretending to be happy and pretending that everything is the way it should be. I thought maybe I could get away and find me.” My gaze went to his eyes. Letting go of his hand, I reached up to palm his cheek. “I found you instead.”

  “I think technically, I found you.”

  I scooted over to the cold side of the bed. “You can sleep here. Maybe tomorrow the snow will have stopped.”

  Van shook his head. “Julia, you don’t know what you’re doing.”

  “I do.”

  “Listen, I’m not against a one-night stand. It’s that you’re not the kind of woman I would want a one-night stand with.”

  “Oh,” I said, turning away.

  “Shit.” Van reached for my chin, and turned it back. “That was a fucking compliment. I’m the damn wolf you heard out there. It’s who I am in my private life and in my career. You are Little Red Riding Hood and the last thing you should do is invite the wolf into your bed.”

  “Weeks before our wedding, I found out my best friend is pregnant and the man I was engaged to is the father.”

  “Fuck.”

  I nodded. “I’ll sleep over here. I’m not asking you to make love to me. I’m offering half the bed.”

  “I don’t work that way,” Van said as he walked away.

  My eyes closed as I tried to make sense of anything that had happened over the last forty-eight hours. The stress and cold had worn me down. I opened my eyes to see Van crouched near the fireplace, tending to the fire inside. His words made me wonder about him.

  What kind of private life did he have?

  What did he do in business that he considered himself a wolf?

  I was almost asleep when I heard the wind as the door opened. When I looked up, the kerosene lamp on the table was extinguished and Van was gone.

  He probably went to the outhouse, I told myself.

  Time passed.

  Uncertain of where he could have gone or if he’d leave me alone, I sat up against the hand-carved headboard and pulled the blankets over me. The fire snapped and crackled. The wind outside continued to blow. I reached for my phone to see the time, and then, remembering it was turned off, I set it back on the bedside stand. My eyelids grew heavy, but I refused to lie back.

  Finally, to my relief, the door opened. Through the firelight, I watched as Van took off his hat, gloves, coat, and boots. My lip disappeared behind my teeth as he unbuckled his belt, unfastened his blue jeans, and allowed them to fall to his ankles. His silk boxer briefs weren’t those of a mountain man. They showed each bulge and pulled tight over his muscular behind. Reaching over his head, he tugged on the back of his thermal shirt and pulled it over his head, revealing his wide chest with just the right amount of dark hair.

  Inconspicuously, I moved lower under the blankets so as to not alert him that I was still awake.

  The moving of the blankets and leaning of the mattress caused my eyes to open. “Van?”

  “You’ll regret this, Julia.”

  Chapter 5

  Van slid under the blankets until he radiated warmth beside me. The twisting in my core at watching him disrobe turned painful as he turned to me, our noses nearly touching. His large hand gently came to my cheek as he pulled me closer until our lips met.

  Firm and strong, there was nothing tentative in his approach. Van tasted like coffee and nectarines as his tongue teased my lips, and I willingly allowed him entrance. Moans and whimpers echoed throughout the cabin as his touch skirted under the long flannel shirt freeing my breasts from my bra and taunting my nipples.

  His green eyes blazed with the power of a raging forest fire as he stared down at me. “Take off my shirt.”

  It wasn’t a request. It wasn’t even disguised as a request. Van’s tone left no room for argument as my fingers hurried with the buttons, one by one until the final one was freed.

  Van pulled back the blankets as I freed my arms. With a quick move behind my back, he released the clasp on my bra, and without a word he removed it, sending it somewhere to the floor.

  His breathing deepened as he stared. “It took every fucking ounce of restraint to not do that when I undressed you, and now, you’re even more gorgeous than I imagined.” He leaned down, sucking one nipple and then the other. As soon as his warm lips would disappear, the cool air would attack.

  Blood rushed to my breasts making them heavy as his five o’clock shadow abraded my skin.

  “Van.” I couldn’t articulate any further.

  His finger came to my lips. “You invited me, Julia. The rest is up to me.” Fire crackled in his stare. “That’s my rule. Can you follow rules?”

  The answer was that I could, I had all my life, but at this moment, it felt the opposite, as if I was breaking free.

  “Julia.”

  I nodded against his finger. Opening my lips, I took it in my mouth and sucked.

  “Fuck,” he growled. His head dipped as he kissed lower, down my ribs, my stomach, and to the waistline of my panties.

  No longer was I stranded in a blizzard. I was lost in a cloud of wanton lust, unlike any I’d experienced before. My mind was incapable of thinking beyond the bed, beyond Van, and beyond the assault on my sensory system. This must be what it was like to be with a man who knew how to please a woman and did so without fanfare. Van’s touch was commanding, yet enticing.

  I couldn’t keep track of the ministrations of his lips or hands. Like a sculptor, he molded me to his liking, bringing more pleasure than I knew existed.

  Whatever Van was doing, I wanted more.

  If I was asked when my panties disappeared, I wouldn’t be unable to answer. If I was questioned on when his boxer briefs vanished, I’d be at an equal loss.

  My fingernails threatened the cotton sheets as he moved lower, nipping, licking, and lapping my core. My back arched and knees squeezed as Van
brought me to orgasm unlike any I’d ever experienced.

  As I worked to catch my breath, Van’s green eyes appeared before me. “You said you didn’t invite me to this bed to make love.”

  I nodded. “I didn’t.”

  “I don’t want to make love, Julia. I’m so fucking hard; I want to fuck you like you’ve never been fucked.”

  “I never have.”

  His entire body stiffened. “What did you say?”

  “Please.” I held tight to his shoulders. “I’ve done...this...up to...but we stopped.” His eyes closed. “Van, I know I may never see you again. Hell, I don’t even know your last name, but please, I saved myself for someone who didn’t deserve me and look where it got me. Please, fuck me.”

  His head shook. “You really don’t know what you’re asking for.”

  I reached my hand lower, finding his hard cock. Wrapping my fingers around him as best as I could, I ran my hand up and down. “I do.”

  With his body between my bent legs, Van pushed up on his hands, on either side of me. My heart beat in triple time as he stared down at me. “I want to take you.”

  “Do it.”

  “I’ll hurt you and that won’t stop me.”

  I wiggled my hips. “I’ve been hurt, Van. This is physical and I promise I can take it.”

  There were things I’d built up in my head. I made them out to be better or worse than they were. The Eiffel Tower was smaller than I imagined. The British crown jewels were more spectacular than I anticipated. Sex was always right outside my reality. I’d heard other women talk and read books. As Van and I came together as one, the union was both worse and better.

  I cried out, unable to stifle my scream as Van took what I’d saved for someone else.

  Even though he said my pain wouldn’t stop him, it did. He stilled and brought his nose to mine. “I promise it will get better.”

  Swallowing, I nodded. “I believe you.”

  The worst was over as the better grew.

  Like a volcano, the heat within me increased. Van didn’t only satisfy my core, filling me completely, he also tended to the rest of me, and his touch was everywhere. Synapses fired and nerve endings responded. Never had I been so alive, or so lavished with attention.

  The ecstasy didn’t end with my next orgasm or even his.

  Throughout the night one of us would wake and it would begin again.

  I wasn’t certain when it occurred to me that we hadn’t used protection. As soon as it did, I justified that I was on birth control—after all, I was to be on my honeymoon in two weeks. While I hoped Van was clean, I couldn’t ignore the way he felt inside me, his skin against mine, and our bodies united.

  Finally, sleep won.

  When I awoke, light seeped through the windows and the bed at my side was cool. I sat up, feeling tenderness where I never before had been tender. As memories came back of everything we’d done the night before, a smile came to my lips.

  Sitting up, I saw Van near the fireplace, teasing the embers. He was fully dressed as he’d been before coming to bed.

  “Good morning,” I said sheepishly.

  “I let the fire go out. I should have it going soon.” He turned my way. “Stay under the covers. It’s probably forty degrees out here.”

  I wiggled my nose, realizing it was cold. “After you get the fire going, you could join me.”

  Van remained quiet, his concentration on his job as fire master.

  I saw the glow radiate against his skin at the same time the logs began to snap.

  Van stood tall and walked toward me. “Julia, if things were different. If I was different, I would want a woman like you in my life. I’m not different. I told you that you’d regret last night, and I am sure you do.”

  My head shook. “I don’t.” Keeping the blankets up to my shoulders, I sat. “Van, I’m not some damsel in distress.” I giggled, thinking that was exactly who I was. “Not usually. I’m not looking for a man to save me. I don’t regret last night. I’ll carry it with me forever. You made me feel desired and...” I searched for the words. “Good. I felt good and real, the way it feels to not pretend. It felt amazing. I don’t need to know your last name or you mine. I’m on the pill. This was two people stranded along the white ribbon.”

  Van took a deep breath. “The snow has stopped. I was going to walk out to the road. If it’s plowed, I think we can get you into town. As for your car—”

  I waved him off. “Town is good. Ashland, right?”

  “Yes, that’s the closest town.” He came closer.

  “Good. I have reservations at a hotel there. I’ll deal with my car later. You, Van no last name, have done your part in rescuing this damsel.” I reached for his hand. “I regret nothing. I hope you don’t.”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I have regrets, but last night isn’t one of them. My regret is that I’m not someone else.”

  My cheeks rose. “I like who you are.”

  “You don’t know who I am.” Walking to the end of the bed, he lifted my clothes from the footboard. “Your clothes are dry.”

  “Then I guess I’m done wearing your shirt.”

  “I’ll never look at that shirt the same way.”

  “You don’t owe me any promises,” I said as I pulled back the covers. Turning to Van, I asked, “Have you seen my panties?”

  Chapter 6

  A day later

  “Miss McGrath?” the older gentleman asked, standing to shake my hand.

  I reached forward and shook Mr. Fields’s hand. “Thank you for seeing me today.”

  “I was surprised you were able to get here so soon. We’ve had some difficult weather.”

  Warmth filled my cheeks as I recalled the difficult weather. “Yes, I had a problem with my rental car. Thankfully, Chase at the automotive shop was able to rescue it and all of my belongings.”

  I was currently dressed for success. With a silk blouse, high-waisted black slacks, and high-heeled black boots, I wasn’t left to interview in a shirt owned by a man with only a first name. Yet as I stood in the office of Fields and Smith, I knew that the white ribbon had taken me to a place that not only rescued me from the cold, but showed me that I could survive without Skylar or life’s well-laid plans.

  “You’re wrong, Van. I don’t regret a thing.” That was my thought as I waited for my interview.

  I deleted the numerous text messages from Skylar and my parents on my now fully charged phone. I’d spoken to my mother. She was caught somewhere between supporting my decision and not. “There’s more than love involved here,” she told me more than once.

  She was right. There was also fidelity and trust.

  “Miss McGrath, Mr. Sherman will see you now.”

  “Is he your client?” I asked.

  “Yes, ma’am, Donovan Sherman is a private man. He’ll have the only voice in your hiring. Please don’t take it personally if he decides against it. As I said, he’s private and particular.”

  “He wanted to see me?”

  “Yes. I can’t promise you more than that.”

  As I walked down the hallway toward the conference room a step behind Mr. Fields, I decided private would be nice. If I got the job offer, I liked the idea of having time to myself.

  Mr. Fields opened the door.

  The man within was turned toward the window. His attire was what I’d expected, an expensive suit all the way to the cuff links and Italian loafers. His shoulders were broad and the suit was custom, accentuating his toned torso and trimmed waist. It was as he turned that I sucked in a breath, the blood drained from my face, and my knees felt weak.

  “Mr. Fields,” Van said, his green gaze fixed on me, “thank you. I’ll let you know if we need you.”

  “Mr. Sherman, I’m willing to stay and—”

  Van interrupted, “That won’t be necessary.”

  As Van spoke, the fire from the cabin ignited in his eyes.

  Once Mr. Fields was gone, Van came closer. “Am I to think th
is was all coincidental?”

  “You said your name was Van.”

  “Donovan. Van is shortened.”

  So is Don, but I didn’t say that. Honestly, Mr. Fields had never told me his client’s name. Shaking my head, I turned to leave. “I’m sorry, Mr. Sherman, this isn’t what I was...”

  He reached for my hand. “When I saw the name Julia on the schedule and read your resume, I had to know if it was you.”

  My hand tingled in his with the electricity of our first touch.

  “I-I...I’m not looking for anything except a job to take me away from my life.”

  “Write my story, Julia. Once you learn about the real me, you’ll be able to see me for the wolf I warned you I am.”

  “You want me to stay?”

  “You realize the job description includes living on my estate.”

  A smile crept across my lips. “Estate? It’s one room.”

  “No. That was a cabin on the outskirts of my property. You’ll have your own suite.”

  “Isn’t that generous?”

  His green eyes shimmered. “At first.”

  Van opened a briefcase on the table and removed something small, holding it in his hand. “I got this object on the farfetched chance that Julia McGrath was Julia no last name.”

  “What is it?”

  “Will you take the job?”

  “I don’t need the money,” I said. “I want you to know that.”

  Van’s head tilted. “Before you answer, I have an even more enticing proposition.”

  My pulse increased. “I’m only looking for a job.”

  “I told you that I’m a wolf in business. I take opportunities when they present themselves.”

  I shook my head. “I just walked away from a relationship that involved business.”

  “And Skylar Butler fucked your best friend.”

  I sucked in a breath. “How do you know that?”