The Carnal Prayer Mat (Rou Putuan)

by Li Yu

  Only Cloud was less than joyful, because his comments on her were a little shorter than those on her sisters. Fortunately Vesperus had taken precautions. Fearing she might see the entry, he had added another circle to the two she already had, raising her from a magna to a summa. As a result, although her evaluation was less detailed than the others', Cloud was at least in the same class, and she was not too disappointed.

  But when the sisters turned the page and found a Black Belle whose evaluation was every bit as high as Lucky Pearl's and Lucky Jade's and rather higher than Cloud's, they were astonished.

  "Where does this beauty come from? What makes her so gorgeous?"

  "She's the one who came to the temple with you," said Vesperus. "You remember."

  Lucky Pearl burst into laughter. "You mean that old baggage! At her age and with her looks, it's sheer blind luck that she got a summa, too!"

  "If that's the case," said Cloud, "our rankings are more of an insult than an honor, and who wants that kind of evaluation? Why don't we just cross them out?"

  "There's no need to get upset," said Lucky Jade. "There must be a motive behind his method of selection. He must have heard the story of the old pupil who repaid his examiner's kindness over three generations, [81] so he examined only three candidates and gave us all summas without regard to what we wrote, in the hope that we'd repay the favor someday. That would account for you three, all right, but I am by far the youngest and ought to get the lowest class. How is it I have a summa, too? Kindly remove my name."

  Vesperus wanted to make a clean breast of everything and persuade them that one person's luck rubs off on everyone present, but his three pupils were raising such a commotion that the examiner could not get a word in edgewise.

  "Sister Jade, you are absolutely right," said Lucky Pearl, "but although you are the youngest, we're not exactly old, either. I say we remove all of our names and let the old pupil be the sole winner." She picked up the brush, crossed out their names and evaluations, and appended a note of her own:

  Huaiyin was youthful, Jiang and Guan venerable. [82] The former would not presume to be ranked with the latter and must respectfully yield.

  Then she turned to Vesperus. "Fortunately this brilliant prospect lives not far from here. You'll find her through that door over there. Do go and give her some cultivation. From now on we three won't be troubling you for any."

  Confronted with this display of public indignation, Vesperus could do nothing more than hang his head meekly, acknowledging his bias. Let them drive him out if they wished, he would not say a word.

  He waited until they had calmed down a little before trying to win them over with a confession. "In the first place, it was a natural extension of my love for you. Secondly, I wanted to find her and get her to introduce us, so that I could make love to you. That's how I overcame my scruples enough to write those flattering words; it was not an honest evaluation, by any means. I hope you ladies won't judge me too harshly."

  At these words the women's indignation began to evaporate, and Vesperus took the opportunity to ingratiate himself further. Undressing first, he lay on the bed waiting for them to join him. They were about to do so, when all of a sudden the maid on guard duty gave an emphatic cough. Recognizing the secret signal, the women began pulling on their clothes again with lightning speed. As soon as they had dressed, Lucky Pearl and Lucky Jade rushed out to receive their visitor, leaving Cloud behind to hide Vesperus. Because he had undressed before the others, his clothes lay underneath theirs. At first he couldn't find them and then, by the time the women had dressed, it was too late for him to dress anyway. There was nothing for it but to climb into the trunk stark naked.

  Let us tell now of Flora as she arrived in the main room to be greeted by Lucky Pearl and Lucky Jade. She noticed at once that they looked flustered and that they stood side by side as if barring her way into the bedroom, a fact that only added fuel to her suspicions. Concluding that they had been up to no good, she insisted on storming in to see for herself. But one person's guile is no match for two people's craft, and by the time she reached the bedroom, the live erotic album had been safely locked inside the picture trunk.

  In the bedroom Flora made a point of praising her niece. "I've not been in here in quite some time. You've got the place looking nicer than ever." She went first to the head of the bed, then to its foot, and even inspected the cupboards, but she found no telltale signs anywhere and concluded that she must have been unduly suspicious and imagined things. She took a seat and began chatting.

  By their quick action the nieces had reduced a potential disaster to a harmless incident, which was fortunate indeed. Little did they realize, however, that in their haste they had overlooked something, and that, one way or another, their secret would soon be out. Flustered by the maid's cough, they had had time only to get dressed and open the trunk. Since their overriding concern had been to stuff their prize inside the trunk, they had neglected a pocket-sized notebook lying on the desk. Only later, while chatting with their aunt, did one of them notice it. She was just reaching for it when Flora, with her sharp eyes, noticed it, too, and snatched it up first. Panic-stricken, the girls tried unsuccessfully to wrest it from her. Then Cloud, realizing they would never get it by force, let it go and affected indifference: "Oh well, it's only a tattered old book we found in the street anyway. Why not let Aunt have it? There's no sense in trying to get it away from her."

  "Cloud is really so-o-o generous," said Flora. "A book the size of your hand-it can't be worth very much. So why do we need we to have this tug-of-war over it? Since Cloud has given it to me, let me open it up and see what kind of book it is."

  Standing a full ten feet from her nieces, she opened the notebook. From its title, Garner the Beauties of Spring from Far and Wide, she assumed it was an erotic album and hastily leafed through it to enjoy the pictures first. To her surprise it contained not a single erotic picture, only a few columns of tiny characters, which she was forced to read. She had read several pages before she realized that the notebook was more interesting than any erotic album; it consisted of evaluations of beautiful women done by some amorous young man of talent. After carefully savoring the evaluations, she came in the end to one of a Black Belle, whose comment read exactly like a pen-portrait of herself, at which point she felt a certain titillation.

  Could this have been written by that young man we met at the temple? she wondered. Turning back to the previous page, she saw a note before the names in the last entry that spoke of meeting three peerless beauties on a certain date. After puzzling for some time over the names Pale Rose Maid and Lotus Pink Beauty, Flora gave a sly smile and concluded that the young man was indeed the author. But when she came to the note

  Huaiyin was youthful, Jiang and Guan venerable. The former would not presume to be ranked with the latter and must respectfully yield,

  she recognized Lucky Pearl's writing and stopped smiling. Tucking the notebook up her sleeve, she gave a calculated sigh. "What a genius Cang Jie was, to invent the character script for our use!"

  "What makes you say that?" asked Cloud.

  "There's not a single stroke in any of the characters he invented that does not have its meaning. For instance, the character jian in jianyin (adultery) is composed of three nü (woman) characters. Since you three are living together and committing adultery, you must surely appreciate the brilliance of the invention!"

  "We may be living together," said Lucky Jade, "but we've never done any such thing! How can you say that?"

  "If you've never done any such thing, where did this notebook come from?"

  "I found it in the street on my way over here," said Cloud.

  "A two-year-old child wouldn't believe that!" said Flora. I'll say no more, except to ask you where the man is who wrote this. Confess everything, and you'll hear no more about it. If you don't confess, I shall have to write to your husbands, enclosing this notebook, and summon them home for a little chat with you."

  At t
his ugly tone, her nieces felt they could hardly remain defiant. "We really did find it in the street, and we have no idea of who the writer is or where he lives. What else can we tell you?" they replied meekly.

  All the time she interrogated them, Flora was looking around the room. The only place I haven't looked is in that trunk, she thought. It's normally left open, so why is it locked all of a sudden? There must be a reason.

  "Since you won't confess," she said to Lucky Pearl and Lucky Jade, "I'll have to suspend my investigation until a later date. But that trunk of yours contains several old paintings I've not seen yet. Would you mind opening it up for me?"

  "We've mislaid the key," they replied together. "It hasn't been opened in ages. As soon as we find the key, we'll take out the paintings and send them over."

  "That's no problem. I have tons of keys and can open any lock at all. Let me send for them." She gave an order to one of her maids, who returned in a few minutes with several hundred keys. As Flora tried them in the lock, her nieces resembled nothing so much as three corpses. They could not very well protest or prevent her from trying, but they were hoping against hope that the keys would not fit and that the trunk would stay shut.

  But fortune favored the enemy. Flora did not need even the second key, for the first one fit perfectly. Opening the lid and glancing inside, she discovered the smooth, snow-white body of a man across whose thighs lay a flesh-and-blood laundry beater that was woefully limp but still big enough to shock. She could only imagine what it might look like when stiff.

  Confronted with such rare merchandise, Flora felt a natural impulse to monopolize it. Without disturbing anything in the trunk, she let down the lid, relocked it, and launched into a tirade. "A fine thing you've been up to, with your husbands away! When did you smuggle him in, I'd like to know? How many dozens of nights has he slept with each one of you? Come on, out with it!"

  The women's faces turned ashen with fright, but they said nothing, no matter how she cross-examined them.

  "Since you won't confess, I have no choice but to go to the authorities." She told the maids to inform the neighbors that she had caught an adulterer in broad daylight and wanted them to come and attest to the fact, after which the man would be taken to court inside the trunk.

  Her nieces withdrew for consultation. "She's bluffing," they said, "but if we don't clear matters up at once, her bluff may turn into reality. We'll have to come to terms with her and give him up for general use. Surely she won't sentence us to death!"

  They approached Flora and apologized. "We oughtn't to have carried on behind your back. We know we were wrong and won't try to quibble about it. We simply appeal to your generosity, Aunt, to let the man out of the trunk so that he can confess and ask for clemency."

  "And just what form is his confession going to take? I should like to have that settled in advance."

  "To be quite candid, Aunt," said Cloud, "we've been dividing his time into three equal shares. We'll be glad to cut you in. In fact, on account of your age we'll give you first place in the roster."

  Flora burst into laughter. "A fine penance that is! You keep him hidden away in your house and sleep with him for I don't know how many nights and only now, after you're caught, do you offer me a share! By that logic, when the authorities catch a robber, they wouldn't need to beat or torture him, they could just stipulate that anything he steals in the future will be forfeit while all the things he has already stolen are his to keep."

  "Aunt," said Lucky Pearl, "what ought we to do, in your opinion?"

  "If you want to settle the matter privately," said Flora, "you'll have to let him come back and sleep with me for as long as I like, until I've made up all the arrears due to me, after which I'll hand him back and we'll resume the one-person-a-night rotation. Otherwise we can simply settle it in court, which would mean breaking the family ricepot and letting everybody go hungry. Well, what do you say?"

  "If we do that," said Lucky Jade, "you'll have to specify a time limit, three nights or five nights, say, after which you'll release him. You surely don't expect to be given carte blanche to keep him for months or even years!"

  "I can't specify a time," said Flora. "Let me take him back with me and question him as to how many nights you three have slept with him, and then I'll keep him the same number. After that I'll hand him back and we'll say no more about it."

  Although the nieces said nothing, a possibility had occurred to them: Vesperus loves us dearly and may well under-report the number of nights to her. So they agreed. "Well, he's only been here a night or two. Take him off and question him. You'll see."

  Now that an agreement had been reached, the nieces were about to open the trunk and let Vesperus out so that he could go back with Flora. She, however, was afraid he might run away, and hesitated. "If he goes over in broad daylight," she said, "the servants may see, and that would look bad. We shall have to think of some way of getting him over in secret."

  "Why don't you go back now," her nieces suggested, "and we'll send him over when it gets dark?"

  "Don't bother," she said. "I have a better idea. There's no need to unlock the trunk. We'll just pretend it's full of old paintings that belong to me and call in a few stewards to carry it over with the man inside. No problem."

  Acting on her own initiative, she told the maids to summon some stewards. Within minutes four men arrived and, hoisting the trunk onto their shoulders, bore it swiftly away.

  Pity the three sisters! Their grief was as keen as that of any widow who ever said farewell to a coffin and yet, unlike the widow, they were unable to express it. They couldn't bear to have this live erotic album stolen from them in its trunk, and they were afraid, too, that the man inside would be worked to death by the old bawd. There was a road that led over there, but no road back. Was it not a bad omen that the picture trunk was carried off on men's shoulders like a coffin?

  CRITIQUE

  After reading the chapter in which they met at the temple, one expected that Flora's pleasure would precede Lucky Pearl's and Lucky Jade's, and that Vesperus's comments on Flora would be the thread that strung the pearls together, the tile that drew the jade in response. Who would ever have imagined that the author's mind would so resemble the Creator's in disposing independently of people and events and confounding all our expectations? The author has taken the woman easiest to seduce and placed her after the ones hardest to seduce, which is remarkable and fantastic in the extreme! He has made the thread that was to have strung the pearls together and the tile that would have drawn the jade in response into the very reasons Pearl and Jade are cast aside. The tempest in the bedchamber originates in a scene of noisy argument, which again is remarkable and fantastic in the extreme! How unpredictable is the authorial mind!

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Through others' deception she gains the advantage; By her own arrogance she suffers abuse.

  Poem:

  Let Experience not with Youth contend,

  For fear of arousing the youngsters' spleen.

  You elders will always lose in the end,

  So stand aside and observe the scene.

  After the trunk arrived at her house and she had dismissed the stewards, Flora did not open it immediately, but fetched a suit of men's clothes from her own boxes, together with a well-worn cap and a pair of shoes and socks, all of which had belonged to her late husband, and laid them out. She then unlocked the trunk and invited the paragon to step forth and dress, after which they greeted each other and sat down for an intimate talk. As might have been expected, Vesperus's nimble tongue, so adept at deceiving women, invented a lie or two, such as, "After seeing you in the temple, I longed for you day and night, but not knowing your honorable name, had no means of finding you. Fortunately Heaven has vouchsafed me this chance to turn bad luck into good, and now at last I am able to gaze on your fair countenance!"

  Having read his comments on her, Flora believed that he really did admire her and she took his lies for the truth and was full
of gratitude. She told a maid to prepare lunch, after which they waited impatiently for evening and went to bed.

  Although she could not be described as really fat, Flora was undeniably plump. Vesperus had mounted her but barely begun to move when she hugged him tightly, planted a kiss on his lips, and cried, "Dearest!" This was enough to set him tingling all over. He had slept with many women, but had never experienced such a reaction from a hug.

  What was the reason? You must understand that there are two categories of women: those for looking at and those for practical purposes. The former are not necessarily suitable for practical purposes, just as the latter are not necessarily goodlooking. In all recorded history, there has been just one woman, Yang Guifei, who has managed to combine both qualities.

  In general, there are three desiderata of the good-looking woman:

  1. Better to be thin than fat

  2. Better to be short than tall

  3. Better to be weak and delicate than strong and robust

  This explains why the women you see in paintings have wisplike waists and figures too slight to fill out their clothes, and why you never see any plump or robust ones among them: they are there for visual rather than practical purposes.

  The practical women are a different species, but for them, too, there are three desiderata:

  1. Better to be fat than thin

  2. Better to be tall than short

  3. Better to be strong and robust than weak and delicate

  Why do they need these three qualities? In general when a man lies on top of a woman, the first requirement is that she be as soft as a cushion; the second is that she match his height; and the third is that she be able to bear his weight. A thin woman's figure is like a stone slab, and your whole body aches unbearably just from lying on top of her. A fat woman, by contrast, is soft and tender, and when lying on her, you don't even need to start moving before you feel your body tingling and your spirit in raptures. And she has another marvelous quality, too: she is warm in winter and cool in summer. All of which explains why it is better to be fat than thin.