A Cheating Man's Heart

by Derrick Jaxn

  Since Danielle didn’t have much of a past love-life to compare ours to, I was insecure about how sure she was that what we had was exactly what she wanted. Just my luck, her friends had all been scorned by guys, turning them into hostile feminists who began filling her head with their own experiences that warranted a further check into my extra-curricular social engagements. There was no way that all of them had these ain't-shit guys and she just so happened to stumble upon 'Mr. Right' on her very first try. No way, so they felt.

  It wasn't long before she started asking questions like “So why is it that you really love me?” and “Out of all the girls, why me?” To some extent, one can expect his woman to ask these questions just for re-affirmation, but I knew exactly the source. There was a hot topic in her circle of friends and it was revolving around me.

  “Baby, I love you because of who you are. You’re dedicated to us as a team, and you’re a perfect fit for what I’m striving to become.”

  She seemed pleased with my reply but only briefly. “Well, what kind of fit am I for who you are right now?”

  “You're a great fit, Danielle. Wait, where is all this coming from anyway?”

  “Just asking,” she said dismissively.

  It worked my nerves when she did this but I knew that no relationship was perfect. Everyone has somebody who can push their buttons.

  I came out of the shower one night to see her glaring at me.

  “So…when were you going to tell me about Jazmin?” she growled.

  I was caught off guard. So I said what most guys’ first response is when we need a second to think. “Who?”

  “Jazmin. I heard y'all go way back.”

  “Oh... Jazmin Jazmin. She’s an old friend of mine. Who told you this?”

  “Don’t worry about it. You should’ve been the one telling me. You tryna hide something? What is it you need to tell me?” I hated how women never reveal who they’re getting their inside information from because they didn't want it to stop.

  “Look, me and Jazmin used to kick it way before you, that’s it. Nothing more than that I promise. I haven't even seen her in months.”

  “So why she still texting you then and at almost 11 o’clock at night?”

  “Wait, you going through my phone now?” I said, getting a temper of my own. I don’t care what it was she found or didn’t find, going through my phone was a violation of trust. She had no right.

  “I didn’t go through anything. It was lying face up when she texted you. Make sure you respond. We don’t like when guys take too long to respond, ya know,” She said, turning over in the covers.

  I wanted to explain the situation in full, but I was a little pissed off that my trust had been violated. We had a relationship where it was always a priority, and even though she didn’t cross any lines, I kept my phone unlocked for that reason. But if the tables were turned, I would’ve probably done the same thing, so I let it go.

  We were going to have to discuss this sooner or later, but now wasn’t the time. I slid under the covers beside her, kissed her cheek, and whispered “I’m sorry and I love you.” She didn’t respond. I guess she was more upset than I thought.

  Out of curiosity, I checked the text from Jazmin to see what it said. It was odd for her to be texting me so late at night, especially now that she had a man. I looked and saw that it was a mass text message invite to her engagement party. I wished she was a little more thoughtful about who was in that contact list.

  I called her first thing in the morning. Now her existence and our history was out in the open, there needed to be some rules of my own in place. I waited until Danielle was gone to her first class to call, only for it to go straight to voicemail.

  “Hey, sorry I couldn’t get to my phone. Leave a message and I’ll get back with you shortly.”

  Beep

  “Hey, Jaz, this is Shawn. I wanted to talk to you when you got the chance so when you can, please, give me a call. Thanks.”

  Great. I just told her to call me back at no definite time of when to do so. And on top of that, I was paranoid about what else Danielle could possibly “hear”. Fortunately, there was some truth to this news, but what if there wasn’t in the future?

  She used to be pretty good about not paying attention to rumors, but a new female friend she knew nothing about before could definitely open the door to more assumptions. I needed to stop being so careless and lock my phone like other guys. Whether or not you have anything to hide, perception is still reality.

  After that night, our relationship was no longer in the honey moon phase. We began having real problems. She was wanting me to open up more and talk, and I was battling the influence of her “friends” who were teaching her how to not trust me all of a sudden. Me against all of them wasn’t a fair fight. Some “friends” will make you feel like what you have is too good to be true because they never had it.

  I never got a return call from Jazmin but that might’ve been a good thing considering her timing. I was more focused on settling the real issue, and that was strictly between Danielle and me. No matter what it was, I was confident we could work through it. Every relationship comes with its ups and downs and I was along for the ride.

  As the months went on, Danielle's behavior became more and more strange. She got closer to her friends and more distant from me. We went from having sex twice a day to twice a week to not at all for a month straight. Every time I brought it up, she just gave me an excuse about how she wasn't feeling well.

  I thought maybe she was pregnant, but I knew her menstrual cycle like clockwork, and she hadn't missed a beat. The meals she cooked became less frequent until it was just me cooking and when I did cook for both of us, she wasn’t hungry.

  Her demeanor completely changed. A girl from the suburbs who never set foot in a club before was all of a sudden staying out all night without so much as a call to say she wouldn’t be back. That kept me up worried sick, driving around town to see if I could find her, not because I was jealous, but because I never could sleep without knowing that she was safe. A few drinks turned into being too intoxicated to drive home, and I struggled to explain why it rubbed me the wrong way that she was acting like...like a normal college girl. But I knew it didn't feel right.

  We were spiraling out of control and an end to our relationship seemed inevitable. I felt helpless, like I was getting jacked in an alleyway by thugs, two holding my arms and the other taking his best shot at my stomach. I simply did not know what to do, but I did know that giving up wasn't an option.

  With anything in life, it's easy to stray away from the basics, so I figured maybe that's where I went wrong. Maybe she felt like I didn’t care, or wasn't giving her the same attention as before. With all the stress of going to school, trying to work, and maintain as a couple, I’m sure it would get tough on anyone.

  I decided to take a few steps back, check the man in the mirror, and remind her of why she chose me in the first place. I still had a few tricks up my sleeve, and this was as good a time as any to pull them out. Operation "Remind(h)er" was in full effect.

  She had Saturdays off, so I waited until Friday and pulled every dime out of my savings account that I had saved up for the ring. Hell, if this didn’t work I wouldn’t need it anyway. I took the money and went and got pictures we took in the earlier stages of our relationship printed and framed to hang around the house. This was going to be the visual reminder.

  I made a mixed CD of the songs we listened to on the way to and from our first date. I remember the feeling when I first made the playlist and how I carefully picked each song to take us through our conversation. A little upbeat at the beginning to loosen things up, neo soul in the middle for stimulating talks, and some throwback 90's jams to make sure I stayed on her mind. This would be the auditory reminder.

  Lastly, I bought two gallons of milk, rose petals, and candles. Soaking in a milk bath under rose petals with candles all around should set the tone for some quality interaction. I didn't kno
w much about wine other than the fact that women love it, and that it was made from spoiled grapes, but I got some of that too. A little alcohol in her system with some pampering should loosen her up just right for me to put in work later on in the evening. This would be the physical reminder.

  She usually went straight from class to work until about 10 p.m. which played perfectly into my plan. It gave me time to get a haircut and have the place cleaned up. I scrubbed everything from top to bottom, washed and folded every piece of clothing, and even set out some potpourri.

  With about an hour left before she would get home, I heated the milk on the stove-top and ran the bath water. After the tub was half full, I poured the steaming hot milk into the tub and spread the rose petals on top of it. Carefully, I placed the candles on the sink and toilet top to set the ambiance just right.

  It was about 10 minutes until she would be pulling up and I felt myself getting anxious. Catering to her was nothing new for me, but I still reached behind me and patted myself on the back. I had the house looking like something from a Zane novel.

  I got the wine out of the freezer and set it by the tub with two wine glasses. I heard her engine pulling up then cutting off in the driveway. I ran around the house cutting the lights off, pressed play on the stereo and unlocked the door for her, leaving it cracked.

  She walked in looking confused. "Superman….?"

  “Hey, baby, how was your day?” I said daring her to actually tell me about her day instead of commenting on the environmental masterpiece I had created.

  “What is all of this? It’s not our anniversary or my birthday.,” she said walking in slowly looking around at the pictures.

  I took her jacket for her and gently came up from behind wrapping my arms around her waist.“I know, I just felt like we needed to talk about some things and I want to make you as comfortable as possible in the process. You like it?”

  “I love it. It’s beautiful. I mean really, it's amazing, I can't believe you would do all this for me."

  "I know, I know. But that's 'cause you worth it and I got even more planned for us tonight. Got a little wine, got a little bath water, got a little-"

  "But I’m really tired and I had a long day. I hate to rain on your parade because I appreciate all this. I do. But I'm just beat, and I need some rest. Maybe we can do it tomorrow."

  Surely, she didn't seriously think I was going to re-do all of this tomorrow. “I know you’re tired. That’s why all I want you to do is get undressed out your clothes and relax a bit. I’ll do everything else."

  “Superman, this is all really nice. Really, it is. But I had two exams. We were slammed at work all day, I really just want to get my shower and get in bed.”

  That was the straw that broke the black camel's back. I went over and pressed pause on the music so she could hear every word I had to say. “How come you don’t just at least try to enjoy this? I put a lot of work into getting everything set up for you and all you can talk about is sleep? What is it with you?”

  “What is it with me? I just got home from work and I’m tired, and I’m going to sleep. You don’t think about anybody but your damn self. You don’t like it? Get over it or get out,” she said, her voice raised much higher than usual.

  “Wait, this is my house too. What you mean get out? I pay bills in here just like you do.”

  “Oh please. If it wasn’t for me you would still be sleeping in Wal-Mart parking lots.”

  That struck a nerve. A very large one at that. “Danielle...what did you just say to me?”

  “I said, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have shit. You think because you pay a few bills that you in charge, but you’re not. I let you pay these bills so you can feel good about yourself, but I don’t need you for anything. I can pay all this on my own. Matter of fact, this is my house more than it is yours.”

  That was it. Memories of being in that parking lot were still fresh wounds, and those words poured salt all over them. I knew she was acting strange, but this was a completely different person.

  The worst part about it was, I let it be true. I promised myself not to let anyone give me a rug they’d eventually snatch from under my feet. I broke that promise to myself for her.

  The embarrassment of that reality, the frustration that the plans I had for the night were going up in flames, on top of everything else leading up to that point just sent my anger to an unsafe level. Staying there wasn’t going to be good for either one of us.

  “I can’t…I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

  She looked down as if she was just now realizing the weight of her words. “All I’m saying is-“

  “Fuck your money, fuck everything you bought me, and fuck you.” I put on my shoes, grabbed my keys, and left. Got in my car and slammed the door shut. I needed something to help me forget what just happened.

  My mind was racing. I needed help. Why she would stoop so low to hurt me and where this was coming from were questions I couldn't answer soon enough.

  After a few hours of driving around, I came back to the house to see that her car was gone. Normally I’d be curious as to where or if she was okay but this time I didn’t care. I was still upset from the word exchange earlier, and it all but went away when I came back inside.

  The entire house had been cleaned out with the exception of the furniture and the clothing I originally brought to school with me the summer before. The bed sheets, the comforter, the microwave, the TV, my clothes, even my toothbrush. Gone.

  I don’t know if this was a test, but in my mind, we were over, completely. This is the kind of thing people do when they’re trying to break you. People only try to break you when they hate you, but I did nothing to deserve her hate.

  I felt like I had just gotten woken up from a weird dream. I had that moment when you yawn and realize that everything you thought was real was only in your imagination.

  I flopped down on the naked mattress to let things soak in a bit and ended up dozing off. Sleep was about the only thing I had to look forward to.

  I woke up the next morning and checked my Facebook to see her indirectly insulting the hell out of me. She had went on an all-out I need a real man status update rant with her closest friends all cosigning and liking every status.

  A few of them read:

  "A real man knows a real woman when he sees her. But some guys seem to be blind."

  "Disliking me is okay. Disagreeing is fine too. But disrespect me and you will be dismissed."

  "I give you two chances to earn my trust. 3 strikes is for games, and I don't play those."

  Annoyed, I slammed my laptop closed and went to get something to eat just to find that she took the food too. Spiteful. I was the kind of hungry that you get when you want something so bad, you don't have the energy to make it yourself.

  To think, all this started back when she saw the text from Jazmin. That and her friends giving the back story on our friendship. While I was thinking of her, I decided to hit her up. My stomach was on E, and her cooking never disappointed.

  The last I heard, she was still planning on marrying Lewis, but that shouldn't stop her from giving me her extras should she have any from breakfast she surely made that morning. I sent her a text to let her know I was on my way. Maybe she'd be willing to listen to my soap opera while she was at it.

  I got over to her apartment, and to my pleasant surprise I could smell a sausage and eggs aroma seeping through the door. It didn’t matter how bad of a day I was having, the smell of breakfast always put a smile on my heart. I opened the door and saw Jazmin in her Victoria's Secret black-laced boy shorts and matching bra in front of the stove.

  “Damn, Jaz, you tryna seduce me?” I said, walking in. I hadn’t seen a girl cooking in underwear since the morning after Danielle and I broke in the new apartment. I was still upset over the fight but my hormones had shaken it off.

  She snapped around. “Shawn, what the hell?! What are you doing here?!” she yelled running back into the roo
m.

  “Well, I texted you. I was tryna see if you were cooking, and now I’m tryna see if you’re sharing.”

  She came back out with a t-shirt on, as if they made her ‘decent’ for company. “Oh I didn’t see it. But yeah you can have some. What happened? Danielle didn’t cook?”

  “About that, yeah, I don’t know if we’re even together anymore.”

  “Oh no! What did you do?!”

  “Before we get to that, is Lewis here?"

  "No."

  "Okay good, cuz I don't want no shit. But umm, I didn’t do anything. It’s a long story, but basically, we’ve been having problems for a while now. I tried to talk it out last night and it turned into a big argument. We said some things that shouldn’t have been said; she moved out; I’m here. I'm hungry.”

  “Yeah, I was wondering what was going on when I saw her statuses on Facebook.”

  If Jazmin saw them, there’s no telling who else did too. “Don’t remind me. I hate when she does that shit. It’s childish, man. But anyway, how’s things with you and ya boy. Getting ready to tie the eternal knot?“

  “Not eternal, only till death do us part. After that, his ass can go." She looked back at me to see if I was laughing at her joke. I was still focused on the progress of the breakfast and doing a bad job of pretending to be interested in what she had just said. Selfish, I know.

  "Honestly, I don' even know, Shawn. Some days we straight. Other days we’re back at each other’s throats. Lewis starts actin' stupid when he drinks. Like he gets all controllin'. I been tryna give him a' bit mo' space lately, hoping he could just get his mind right. Maybe miss me a lil' bit. That'd be nice.”

  I nodded my head with a ninja-like focus on the stove top.

  “Oh okay, well that’s good then. I hope it works out for yal. So, how much longer till the food’s ready?”

  “Did you even hear what I said?”

  “Sure I did.”

  “Then what did I say?”

  “You said Lewis can drink if it’s controlling his throat. Look, it’s hard to listen on an empty stomach. Can we eat first, then catch up?”