A Cheating Man's Heart

by Derrick Jaxn

  Her financial situation had slipped my mind until then. Coincidentally, we were in the exact same boat, newly on our own, and I wasn't going to let either of ours sink. Vicariously, it was my responsibility to assume the role of the man in her life now. A part of that was to see to it that she had what she needed. I've never felt the pain of having a baby but if it's anything how it sounds then she more than warranted a little help in hard times.

  ***

  I didn't realize how competitive I was until I caught myself getting passionately involved in cooking competitions on the food channel. You never can really tell how good the food tastes; you just have to trust the ability of the TV hosts to look convincing enough that the food in their mouths was really good.

  I still accepted leftovers if Jazmin had them and made more time to hang out with her in between time. I could be my own cook, but I couldn't be my own friend. I mean I guess I could, but not without a padded room.

  My point is, it was nice having someone to talk to regularly now that mine and Danielle's social interaction had been starved by our pride. I wasn't interested in trying to find another relationship to get into, but I was all for having someone to vent with so that my thoughts had an outlet. We both needed someone to listen to our problems since her and Lewis were on the rocks too.

  "I don't know what it is about y'all. One second you're the sweetest people ever and the next thing you know, y'all tryna tell us what we can and cannot do while doing less than you did to get us in the first place. Why is it that? Why do you change once you have what you say you've always wanted?"

  "Well, first off, Jaz, complacency is natural for those who've only been taught how to get as opposed to how to get and then keep. In life we've become pursuit-oriented, so once the pursuit's over, we either stop or find something else to pursue. Every how-to in the media is about how to get what you want. When's the last time you heard a rapper talk about how well he's able to keep his girl?"

  "Well, if rap music is Lewis' relationship guide then I should've reconsidered a long time ago."

  "No, that was an example. I'm just saying, maybe he's not that bad of a guy. He probably just needs a little lesson about keeping his woman. It's not too late to learn that and I think you can be the one to teach him."

  "But how? I'm no expert."

  "You don't have to be an expert. You're his woman, and if you two are really in this thing together then you have to help each other grow. Sit him down. Let him know how you feel and explain how you want it to work for the long term. Be clear about what you will and won't tolerate. You deserve that much."

  "Shawn, you don't know Lewis like I do. He gets defensive when I try to talk to him about stuff like this."

  "Then soften him up first. Don't do it in the heat of an argument. Do it during a really nice dinner. Your food can make anybody pay attention. So, make sure his guard is down and also that you're respectful about it. Hey, if he's smart, he'll listen. You're a good girl. Anyone with sense would want to hold on to you."

  "You know what? You right. I do a lot for him and I know deep down he loves me. He just has one hell of a way of showing it. But I'll try it. So anyway, how's the single life treating you? You back on the prowl yet?"

  "Prowl? I ain't no thirsty ass prowler. If I want it, I'll get it. There's no prowling necessary," I said, pretending I had it all under control. She saw right through it.

  "Okay, I can't even front. This single shit is overrated. I'd like to be over Danielle, but I'm not. I'm trying to let logic take the lead on this one because I know better, but my heart. My heart ain't tryna hear that shit. But if I'm the one who tries to work things out, then what? She knows she can do whatever she wants and I'll just come running back."

  "Shawn, what she said was way out of line. While she might deserve a second chance, you do deserve for her to be the one to ask for it. So yeah, if you go back, it'll send the wrong message. You gotta wait, and see how things play out."

  "Yeah, I know, that's why I'm holding out. Besides, I got other things on my mind. Momma's up to her neck in bills and it ain't gettin' no better. 50 years old, still working three jobs tryna make ends meet. That shit aches me just thinking about it. I know if I can impress the scouts at the combine this year, I'll have a real shot at getting into the league, but I can barely focus long enough to train with everything that's on my mind. I just...I don't know what I'mma do."

  "Well, you know if you need anything, I got you Shawn."

  I needed to hear that. Everyone needs to hear that at some point, but more importantly I needed for it to be meant and I know she did. I couldn't believe I found myself defending her man which was the reason for us becoming strictly friends in the first place. I guess this was me growing up.

  Jazmin solidified her position as a real friend, and you don't get too many of those. Even though she still had a bombshell figure, I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize her happiness nor her respect for me. I thought it was impossible to turn an intimate relationship into one that was completely platonic, but I did. We did.

  Chapter 9

  Just Being Friendly

  It wasn't long before I got a peace offering from Danielle. She sent it in the form of all the things she had repossessed before she left, neatly placed in bags outside my door with a note attached that read:

  Dear Superman,

  I hope it's still okay that I call you that. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being childish. I should have never taken back the things I gave you, and if you don't want them then that's fine, but they're your things to do with as you wish. I don't care about any of it. I care about you. I care about us. If there's even an ounce of you that still loves me, please, let's give it another shot. I made a huge mistake and I'll prove to you that I learned my lesson if you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I miss you so much. Either way you're a great guy and I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. Whoever it is you decide to be with will be one very lucky woman.

  Sincerely,

  Danielle.

  I wasn't thrilled about getting my apology as a note, but I was more relieved that one of us took the first step. I was tired of pretending I didn't care and more so wondering if she did.

  I wasn't concerned about getting the belongings back, but it was nice to know she wasn't planning on making some kind of "Waiting to Exhale" scene by burning them on top of my car. I took them in the house and put them in the back of the closet in case I decided to donate them later. Using any of those things she took from me and gave back again was out of the question.

  After a few moments to figure out what I should say, I called her.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey....what's up?"

  "Umm...hi. I didn't think you were gonna call," she said, her voice soft and surrendering.

  An awkward silence found its way home in an already awkward situation. Both of us trying to let it set in that we were communicating and this time it wasn't at each other's throats.

  "Yeah...well, I saw the note that you wrote. And as for the things, you didn't have to give them back. You know that was never the issue."

  "I know it wasn't."

  "They're just things. The issue was having to do without you. Emotionally. Mentally. When I lost that, I lost the best part of you, and that's what I want back. All of you. But not if you're gonna be on the same shit. I can't do that again."

  "Superman, I'm so sorry. I always wondered if you were too good to be true, but I knew that trusting you was the only way to even give us a chance. I got to talking to them because I felt like they were my friends, and I was proud to have a guy that wasn't like the ones they dated, but instead they just made me feel stupid and naive. That's my fault. I shouldn't have listened to them. I promise, I won't let that happen again."

  "They didn't make you. You let them."

  "Okay, you're right, I let them make me feel that way."

  "I'm not tryna fuss at you, Danielle, but I want you to understand the control you have to own over y
our own feelings in order for us to move forward. Nobody can make you do anything."

  "Okay. I understand. I'm not going to fight you on this. You're right, and like I said, I promise I won't let it happen again. I'm so sorry and I love you."

  "I love you too."

  Once we exhausted all of our pride, communication was easier than ever. No more trying to read each other's mind and body language while our mouths worked just fine to say how we felt. No cussing spree as both of us stood our ground. Just two people, tired of being tired, and ready to get things back to how they used to be.

  Apology accepted.

  After we cleared the air and got everything out, things quickly got back to normal, maybe even better than normal. Both of us realized that we had been taking each other for granted. Every hug, every kiss, and every time we made love was more intense, literally as if it could've been the last chance we had to do so.

  We agreed to schedule quality time every week that didn't conflict with our work schedule so that we could put our relationship at the top of our priority list where it belonged.

  There was still one issue; Jazmin and I had revived our friendship those past few weeks, and I was going to have to spend less time with her to make sure I didn't neglect Danielle.

  At least, that's how it was supposed to go. You get in a relationship, you're supposed to cut off all ties with other females or at minimum put them on a back burner that never lights up. But her and Lewis' problems had gotten serious, and we both had been leaning on each other to make it through the rough patches. I couldn't bring myself to leave her hanging just because I had gotten my shit together, and at this point, I was valuing the few friendships I had in my life, including hers. In the interest of loyalty, I decided to try and make it work. For everyone.

  Telling Danielle the situation would've been the right thing to do for sure, but there's no way she'd understand that I was trying to be there for another girl in her time of need, especially since she knew about mine and Jazmin's history together. I don't know of many females who would. Even though we were working on our trust, that was too much to ask of anyone. If things worked out the way I hoped, Jazmin and Lewis would be back on track soon, and we could all go back to our separate lives to live happily ever after.

  Yeah. Right.

  ****

  I was leaving football practice the next day, and as I was getting in my car, I received a text message from Jazmin.

  Shawn, you got a minute? I really need to talk to you.

  I didn't want to reply yet since I was supposed to be seeing Danielle in about 10 minutes. I figured I could text her later on in the evening once I went to work, but sure enough, she was calling. It had to be important.

  "Hello.''

  "Hello, Shawn? I'm sorry for calling. I know I just texted you, but I really need to talk. Are you busy?"

  "Nah, I'm not, but I'm about to be in a little. You all right? You sound like something's wrong."

  "No. I'm not all right. Lewis threatened me."

  "He did what?! Threatened you how?"

  "He threatened to beat my ass if I ever raised my voice at him again. I had the talk with him like you said and it worked. I told him I didn't like the way he got defensive and that I needed more attention and he agreed. Then today we got into it. I'm not even sure what it was about. But he called me a bitch and I told him not to call me a bitch, and that's when he said he'd beat my ass if I ever raised my voice at him again. He even pinned me to the wall when he said it."

  "Jazmin, that's not cool. Is he still over there? You need to leave him alone. You don't deserve this."

  "No, he left, but I don't know if he's coming back or not. He usually just comes randomly when he feel like it, but now I'm scared. I think he really might hurt me. Can you just come over here?"

  "I can't do that. I had made plans tonight and promised I wouldn't break them."

  "Shawn, just this once. I'll even cook for you."

  "I'm not hungry, Jaz. I'm sorry, I can't come. Not this time."

  "I never ask you for a damn thing and just this once, I need your help."

  "Jazmin. I-"

  "Shawn. Please. I won't ask you for anything else. I promise."

  It really sickened me to keep telling her no. It was my fault in the first place for telling her to try and work things out with him. I couldn't leave her hanging.

  "Okay. All right, I'll be there in a few."

  "Thank you. Really, I appreciate it."

  "Don't mention it," I said, pressing the END button.

  I'm not sure what was worse; her being in trouble or the fact that I was really about to let Danielle down by breaking our plans. Conveniently, she was working on being more understanding, and if I ever needed it before, I needed it then.

  I opened up the contacts and saw Danielle's name. Closed my eyes and pressed the call button.

  "Hey, baby," she said in a I just got paid kind of happy tone.

  "Hey, um whasup?"

  "Nothing, waiting on you to get here. The food's just about done now, only a few more minutes. How far away are you?"

  I gritted my teeth and inhaled. "Well, here's the thing. I may be a little late if I get there at all before I go to work."

  "Oh no, how come? You said this was our time and that nothing would interrupt it."

  "I know, and I'm so sorry. Something came up and I gotta go see about it real quick. One of my friends is in trouble and I gotta make sure they're okay."

  "What friend?"

  "Oh, you don't know him. He's on the football team." There went my lying ass reflexes again.

  "Oh, well all right. I understand. I'll just make you a plate to take with you. Just let me know if there's anything I can do and be careful."

  "All right then sweetheart, thank you and I will. Talk to you later."

  "Okay bye. I love you."

  "I love you too."

  I could hear the disappointment in her voice, but it was too late. I'd have some serious making up to do, but I couldn't let Jazmin down. She really didn't ask me for anything, so for this one time, I had to come through. I pulled up to her house, still with two hours left before I had to go to work.

  Knock knock "Who is it?"

  "It's me."

  I could see her looking through the peep hole first so I put my nostrils up to it.

  "Ha ha, only you would do something so nasty. Get your damn nose off my door, boy," she said, opening the door.

  "Well, I'm glad to see you're smiling. You had me worried for a minute." I sat down on the couch expecting to see more signs of a domestic dispute. But her apartment looked as neat as always. A touch of Febreze was even in the air.

  "Well, yeah, I'm smiling now that you're here. I really do apologize for making you stop whatever it is that you were doing. I wouldn't have called you if it wasn't an emergency though."

  "I know, it's all good. We all need people to have our backs sometime, and I know you'd do the same for me. Not sure how much safer I'd feel, but I bet you could pinch somebody or at least yell for help."

  "If your big ass needs help, there ain't nothing I can do."

  "Yeah whatever, I guess you got a point. But listen, Jazmin, there's something I wanted to tell you."

  It was time to set the record straight. I didn't think Danielle would understand, but Jazmin would have to even if she didn't want to. My main obligation was to my woman.

  "Okay but before you start, are you sure you not hungry? I already cooked and since Lewis ain't here I can't eat all this by myself." No sooner had she said that before I felt my stomach growling. "I made my secret recipe fried chicken and homemade waffles. I even cut up a fruit salad to go along with it," she said licking her fingers and looking over at the stove top with pride.

  My soul said yes. But my mouth said, "Um, I'll pass, I was about to go home and eat in a little." I was already crossing the line by lying to Danielle. I'd be flying over it by coming home with no appetite for dinner. "Back to what I was saying. I'm
going to be here for you, you know that. You were there for me when no one else was and I can't thank you enough. But me and Danielle are back together and we're working things out. So, I gotta do what I gotta do to make this work. I ain't leaving you out to dry, but I'mma be spending more time at home now and I just wanna let you know."

  "What are you trying to say exactly?"

  "I'm saying this can't be a regular thing Jaz. I can't do this and keep her happy too. At some point she's gonna get suspicious and I know for a fact she wouldn't like me coming over here. Don't matter what it's for, the reason won't be good enough. Not in her eyes anyway."

  "Oh. I guess I ain't think about it like that. Yeah, if I was ya girl I wouldn't be too happy about it either. I respect where you're coming from though. Well, just chill for a little while longer while I get in the shower, then you can go back home to your wifey. Can you do that?"

  "Yeah sure, that's not a problem."

  She went back to the room and I heard her turning on the shower. I noticed myself getting a little paranoid as the cars that pulled up outside in the parking lot could possibly be Lewis coming back. I pondered what'd happen if he actually came back to see me there.

  In a fist fight, I'd have the advantage. He was a little shorter and a lot slimmer. But surely it'd be even worse for her especially if he was planning on making good on his threat. I couldn't be there for her all the time, and 911 calls automatically got directed to the campus police station which, more times than not, would be ignored by the lazy ass security guards who were sleeping on the job.

  She needed a way to protect herself, some kind of weapon. The pawn shop in Auburn was about 15 minutes away and had a huge selection. I could probably stop by and get her one for cheap. I'd feel a lot better knowing she had some line of defense even without me.

  A few minutes later she came out of the bathroom with her head wrapped in a turban-like towel style. Her bathrobe was thin, probably made of silk, and it was obvious she had on absolutely no clothes underneath by the detail of her nipples through the front.

  "Okay, I'm done now, and sorry for taking so long. I haven't shaved my legs in forever, and I couldn't wait another day without shredding my bed sheets at night when I tried to go to sleep."