by Derrick Jaxn
She picked up on the first ring. "Okay, so Shawn, I was gon' call and talk to you earlier, I swear I was. I just want to say that I apologize and that I never-"
"Jazmin," I said, cutting her off.
"Uh…..yeah?"
"It's okay. Open the door. I'm outside."
"You're outside?" she asked with her voice rising. Then I saw her come over to the window and peek through the curtain. "Okay here I come," she said, then hung up the phone.
I got out of the car, double checked the locks, then walked up to the already opened door to see her standing in it. She was, again, in the same robe she always wore. The silk, damn-near-see-through one that left little to the imagination and pleasantly so. She was scanning my face to try and read my eyes as I walked past her and into the living room.
"It's past midnight. Why you over here so late? Are you okay?"
"I just...I just needed a place to go. I can't think right now," I said, flopping down on the sofa.
"I mean, but why though? Is it about yesterday because I told you I never-"
"No, it has nothing to do with yesterday. I saw Danielle with another man. She's cheating on me."
She paused for a second then sat down beside me. "Shawn...I'm so...I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say honestly."
"You don't have to say anything. I don't need anybody to say anything. I just don't wanna feel like I'm feelin' right now."
I put the pillow over my face to hide the tears getting ready to form. Hearing myself admit that I was getting cheated on was almost as bad as seeing it happen. I was hurt by Danielle, but my ego was making me more and more angry at the man she was seeing, Lewis.
I'm sure she was only cheating because I had been neglecting her to see Jazmin. I was only seeing Jazmin to keep her safe from his abuse. This was all wrong.
I felt Jazmin's hand gently grab the pillow from my face. I couldn't fight it. The tears had broken free and she was going to see them sooner or later anyway. I sat up and ducked my head so I wouldn't have to make eye contact.
"Shawn, don't cry, it's gon' be okay. You just need to relax for a little, let the dust settle, and you'll be all right. I can't believe this happened. I'm sorry for even jinxing it."
"Nah, don't be sorry. It wasn't you. I just can't believe this shit, man. How the hell I let this happen?"
"You didn't let anything happen. She chose to do it. Her and whoever it was. Did you get to see the guy's face? Did you know him?" she asked, pulling me to lie on her chest, something like a mother does her child.
I thought about telling her who it was, but decided not to. That was only going to switch the subject into something I didn't feel like talking about. "Nah, I don't think I do. It was dark."
"Oh, well, I don't know what I can do, but I'm here for you if you wanna talk about it. But it's cool if you don't. I gotta go finish up some work right now and I'm sure you'd rather be alone so just take whatever time you need and holla if you need me."
She got up and went back into her room. I was trying to take her advice, and just let things soak in, but the more it did, the more angry I got.
I should have never left and just given him the ass whooping he deserved a long time ago. There's no telling how long this had been going on. While I was busy trying to befriend and protect his ex, he was busy fucking my girlfriend.
Beating him up wasn't going to change the truth, but it would have definitely eased the tension. I needed revenge, relief, or whatever was on the menu to fix a bruised ego and a broken heart.
I looked up and saw alcohol on the fridge. I was told that if you drank in times of sadness, you'd turn into an alcoholic. The alcoholics I knew all seemed to be doing better than what I was doing at the moment, so what the hell. I grabbed the closest bottle of vodka and turned it upside down.
It burned a little on the way down, but not so much after a few seconds. I took a breath and repeated two more times then went and sat back on the couch.
I watched the second hand go around on my watch, trying to focus on something other than the memories of the last few hours. After about 15 minutes of being unsuccessful, I was back to looking for something else to hit the spot.
Inebriation wasn't enough for relief and definitely not for revenge.
"Shawn, you all right out there? I don't hear you moving around. You alive?" Jazmin yelled from her room.
It clicked. "Uh…yeah, I'm good," I said, now feeling the buzz of the vodka binge. I wasn't drunk, but it became a little tougher to hit those syllables without running them into one another.
I got up, steadied myself, and made my way to her bedroom door. It was slightly cracked and I could see her lying on her stomach, facing away from me.
She had on another Victoria's Secret laced panty and bra matching set. Her legs were shiny, and the small of her back had those two little dimples that drive men crazy. She looked sexier than ever. I knocked, enough so that the door didn't move too much but that she could still hear it.
"Shawn!" She snapped around, scrambling for her covers. "What you doing? Didn't yo momma teach you to knock?"
"I did knock. Your door was already open. My bad if I startled you, but can I come in?"
She rushed over to the door and pushed it closed in my face. "Wait," she said. I heard her rummaging around in the closet a few seconds then she opened it again. "Yes, you can." She had slipped on her silk robe that she wore when she first opened the door. As she walked back to her bed, I could see the same imprint of her underwear and the curve of her ass through the back that looked even sexier with the adornment of the robe's silk.
"What's up? You still thinking about Danielle?" she said as she sat on the bed with her back against the headboard.
"Actually no, I'm not. I'm tired of thinking about that. I just wanted to come back here and thank you for everything. I've never gotten the chance, or taken the opportunity to just say thank you."
"You ain't gotta do all that. I don't mind being here for you. We all need somebody and I know you'd do the same for me."
"But I want to. I mean, I wanna say thank you. But I also want to do more than just say how I feel and you're right, we all need somebody, but I have a question." I came over to the bed and sat at the edge. I could tell the closer I got, the more uncomfortable she looked. Her guard was still really high.
"Okay...? What's the question?"
"What if I needed you?"
"Shawn, you're just saying that because you're hurting, not because you really mean it."
"But what if? What if I really needed somebody to be there for me, without judging me or asking a lot of questions. Would I be able to count on you?"
"I mean of course, you know you can count on me."
"Okay, so I have another question. Do you trust me?"
"Yeah," she mumbled, still trying to figure out where I was going with this.
"Then trust me. Don't ask questions, and don't judge me."
"Okay," she said.
I reached over and touched her foot for a safe ground to test her nerves. She was still a bit tense, but she was trying to hold back any reaction out of curiosity on just how far I'd go.
I understood the body of a woman. It's a marathon, not a sprint. So I took my time and slowly moved my hand up her leg up to her knee, and back again. I did this a few times until I felt the tenseness gone from her.
"Shawn, what is this? What are you doing?" she said.
"Remember what you told me and remember what I told you. No questions, just trust me."
She curled her lips, slightly annoyed, but she cooperated anyway. I moved my hand up to the lower part of her thigh using it to put a slight pressure on the inside where I knew she'd be a bit more sensitive.
The pressure I put on it reached deeper into more tenseness and I stayed there for a few moments, massaging it out. I looked up and saw it leave through her exhalation as her facial expression relaxed back to neutral.
Finally, her guard was coming down.
"Jazmi
n, don't talk. Just listen." I said, still gently massaging her thighs. She looked at me in agreement without saying anything.
"I know this is a little much for one night. Me, with all this drama about getting cheated on. But I need you. I have a lot going on and I just don't feel like thinking about any of it. Instead, I'd rather act on what I'm feeling right now, and that's an unbelievable amount of physical attraction for you. I ran out on you before, but it just kinda caught me off guard and I wasn't ready. Doesn't mean I didn't want you. Sometimes we feel things that don't make sense to us, but the only way to know for sure what it means is to do something about it. I don't want to compromise our friendship, but I lost control over that a long time ago. At this point, I think it's time we both figure out what it is that's drawing us to one another. Something brought you to try and kiss me before, and something's bringing me to try and do the same thing right now. If you want to know exactly what that something is, then don't stop me."
I continued to massage her thigh as I leaned in closer to her face for a kiss. For every inch closer I went, I anticipated a hand on my chest pushing me backwards. But it didn't happen. She didn't stop me, or even try to move out of the way.
She began closing her eyes when I got close enough, so I did the same, softly pecking her on the lips.
I pecked her again and again, each time easing my tongue onto hers.
She kissed me back, and I slid my hand up to her vagina, met with what seemed like the Pacific Ocean. Then I stopped and stood up from the bed.
She snapped, "What are you doing? Why you stop? Shawn don't play games with me. This is not the time to start with your fucking games!" She was getting angry at what she thought was me getting ready to bail on her again.
I just looked at her, in slight amazement of how I had drawn her into the moment so much, and aroused by the control I now had.
I took off my shirt and unfastened my belt.
She looked me up and down, anxiously waiting to read just how excited I was by the extent of my erection.
Then, a memory of Danielle flashed across my mind. It had been so long since I was doing this with another woman, and I didn't like the feeling it was giving, but I needed it more than anything for refuge from the onslaught of truth about my love life being in shambles.
It was the only thing thus far that actually distracted me from those images of her with Lewis, and the imagination of what else was happening when I wasn't around.
I felt my erection failing me the longer I dwelled on those thoughts, so I cut the nightstand lamp off to try and hide it. Took her hand and placed it on my stomach to revive me.
She felt around on my stomach a bit, and immediately, I was back to full strength.
I almost forgot the feeling of wondering whether or not I was going to receive oral sex. It was unpredictable.
It was exciting.
The way that she bit her bottom lip at the touch of my penis told me she was just as excited as I was.
She put her forehead to my stomach, and I could feel myself in her mouth. Her tongue was doing a figure 8 number on the tip of me as she sucked, something I know I didn't teach her, but was grateful to whoever gave her the lesson.
She was amazing. I'm not sure if she was just trying to impress me, but if so, it worked.
I pulled back so I wouldn't come too fast once we actually started having sex. Went back to kiss her again, this time reaching around her and unhooking her bra.
"Shawn, do you have something to put on it?" she said.
I looked around trying to see what she was talking about, then saw her looking at my penis and back up at me.
"Something like what? What you mean?"
"What you mean, what I mean? I mean a condom. I'm not on the pill and I don't need none of your jr.'s running 'round here. You need to put on a condom."
I forgot all about using protection during sex. I had been with Danielle for over three years now and we hadn't used any since we made it official. During the moment it took to realize why I didn't have a condom, my thoughts came back about the luxury of trust I no longer had with my partner.
She saw me staring blankly and said, "You don't have one, do you?" Then she got up and walked over to her closet. She reached up on the top shelf and pulled down an old shoe box.
I could tell it was something she hadn't been in for a while with how clumsily she was searching through it. But then she picked something out and dropped the box where she was standing.
"Here, put this on. I know it's not as big as you might need, but it's all I got."
"Uh, yeah. Okay cool," I said, nervously trying to remember how to put on a condom. Trying to figure out which way it rolled in the dark was like shooting a three-pointer on a moving rim. The lubrication made it too slippery and I was feeling the pressure from her waiting that I normally didn't have to worry about.
Finally I just forced it on. It wasn't pretty, but it was going to have to do.
She lay back on the bed, inviting me between her thighs. By this time, the streetlights were shining through just enough that I could make out general details of her frame.
It was just as sexy as I had imagined when I saw her in the house walking around in her underwear.
Then, this weird feeling came over me. It was cold, and even in her presence, very alone. Started thinking about the times Danielle and I would be in the same position.
But this was different because I was hurting, and on the run from something that I could never get away from; the truth.
Jasmine was saying something to me, but I was already gone. I could feel the tears filling up my eyes as I was reminded of the intimate moments Danielle had been sharing with another man.
She had broken my heart, yet every single fragment still belonged to her.
"Shawn. Shawn. SHAWN!" Jazmin said, interrupting my daze.
"Huh?"
"Why are you just sitting there? See, look what you've done, you let it go soft." I looked down and saw my penis cowering in what looked like a wet trash bag around it. "You know what, how about you just lie down," she said, getting off the bed again.
I moved to the other side. She grabbed me, then tried to swallow me whole.
After a few seconds, she took off the mangled condom, threw it on the dresser, and continued to suck. I started coming back to life again.
I closed my eyes and tried to block out my thoughts. I was here now, and I needed to finish what I started.
It wasn't like Danielle and I had some kind of commitment to each other anymore. Clearly she had moved on. I needed to do the same. My conscience was still in a relationship, but I wasn't sure if I was.
Jazmin was amazing at oral sex. She could have given a workshop on some of the things she was doing. The movements, the sounds, the breathing, and everything else about her, was as good as I had ever experienced with any woman.
I was finally loosening up again and relaxing until I felt something different.
It was much warmer.
And wetter.
I opened my eyes and looked up to see Jazmin on top of me, and me inside of her.
Shit. What was I doing?
I knew better than this, but she did it so fast and fluently I couldn't even tell she had transitioned her entire body weight until it was already done.
But it was too late. Couldn't stop now, especially with me being the one bringing the whole situation into fruition in the first place. Anything I could catch was already caught, and I didn't feel like going through the whole condom thing again. It was no turning back, I could only hope pulling out worked.
Trying to convince myself to believe in that rationale was taking so much effort, I had become numb. Again.
Jazmin was yelling and moaning loudly, so I assumed she was enjoying herself. But other than that, my feeling was gone, this time throughout my entire body.
Everything went into slow motion, and it was then that I realized exactly what I had set out to learn in the beginning. The answer to the
question of exactly what that 'something' was that was drawing me to Jazmin.
I lost focus and ultimately appreciation for the things I had because of my distraction turned curiosity for the things I didn't have. A man could have a million dollars, but if he only focused on the penny on the ground, he would lose sight of his fortune, giving someone else the opportunity to take it from him.
My fortune was being taken and I wanted it back.
I felt Jazmin's body shiver violently and her moans got louder. She did this back in the day when she climaxed, so I knew exactly what it meant.
"Did you come?" I asked her.
"Yeah I did, but only twice. I want one more."
"I'm about to come, though," I lied. I wasn't anywhere near an orgasm. I just needed to get things over with as smoothly as possible. My mind was no longer on sex.
"Oh okay, you need me to get up right now or can you go a little longer?"
"Right now." I grabbed her by her waist and picked her up off of me.
She was probably going to be looking for the semen somewhere so I ran into the bathroom and closed the door. Never did this when I pulled out, normally it would just end up wherever I aimed it, but then again, I never faked an orgasm either.
I let a few seconds go by then flushed the toilet. My penis, still erect, was being stubborn. I leaned over the sink and ran cold water over it to make it go back to sleep.
It was time for me to come up with an escape plan that was going to allow me to save face.
I opened the door and saw her sprawled out on the bed. She was still panting, but her body was motionless.
"Babe, that was great," she said, with her eyes half open fixed on the ceiling. "I'm gon' cook you a nice breakfast in the morning. You earned it."
Babe? She was already moving too fast. Staying over for breakfast? She had me mixed up. I felt my "ain't shit" instincts coming back from freshman year preparing me to hurt her feelings.
I walked back over and stood at the foot of the bed. "Um, yeah, it was good for me too. But I think I'mma go on back home. I don't have anything over here to sleep in and I might be late to class if I try to get all of that done in the morning."
