by Derrick Jaxn
I could sense her rolling her eyes while I kept massaging her shoulders. "Mmmhm. Yeah okay, don't be tryna butter me up now." I reached down and kissed her on the cheek. She and I both knew she loved it when I did stuff like that in public. Public display of affection to a woman is like floor seats at the NBA finals for a man. Okay, maybe not that good, but pretty close.
I felt hopeful the rest of the day. I got to a point where I was treating the memories of the night before like a bad dream. Something I didn't want to think about, and hopefully would forget about later.
But it was still taking a distracting amount of effort to keep putting it to the back burner of my mind. People underestimate the energy it takes to think. I felt like I was about to pull a muscle in my brain any moment at the rate I was going.
***
After my last class I went down to the weight room. Football season was over with and since it was my last year, I had started prepping for pro day. I had perfect weight and height, and with my strength, I was on course to break the all-time record for the bench press. My footwork was my weakest area and I had been going down to do one-on-one training with my conditioning coach to fix it. Ladder drills, step- ups, box jumps, parachute sprints, we did it all. About three hour's worth.
I finished up and I looked at my phone. No missed calls. No texts. That was different. Got in my car and headed home.
Sex with Jazmin was on my mind. I needed to go get tested. I never should have gone inside her raw. Hands down, the dumbest decision I ever made.
I wanted to talk to Danielle about it so bad. We could always vent to each other about what was on our minds. But not this time. It felt unnatural. Like she was a stranger I couldn't trust, but really it was me. I was the stranger. Definitely not who she thought I was. The guilt was eating at me, leaving me empty.
I pulled up to the apartment not long after dark and saw her car there but the lights were off. Probably in the room studying like she always was. Worked for me. The less talking we did, the better chance I had of not saying the wrong thing.
I walked in and thought I picked the wrong door. There were candles everywhere, off-white balloons, some champagne, and two silver platters on the living room table. I could hear Keith Sweat playing faintly from somewhere in the bedroom. Danielle was on the couch with a wine glass in her hand.
"Baby? What's all of this?"
"I thought you'd never get here. I've been waiting on you," she said, walking up to me and handing me the cup. "I hope you're hungry. I cooked. And no, it's not spaghetti."
"You did all this? Danielle....wow....what's the occasion?" I couldn't help but be suspicious. This was unlike her. I didn't know if she was planning on this being my last meal or what because she was hardly the romantic type.
"You're the occasion, Superman. I thought it was about time I did something nice for you. Show you a little more attention. Clearly I'm doing something wrong if you think I'm out here running around on you. So instead of getting mad, I realized that I need to do more to assure you that I am all...yours..."she said wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing me through the end of the sentence.
My heart sunk down into my socks. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. All this time I had been waiting for this day, and now that it was here, I could all but enjoy it. I closed my eyes and hugged her as I lost the fight against uncontrollable tears demanding to be let out.
We were still embraced, but when I didn't say anything back to her, she began loosening her grip to try and see my face.
"Shawn, what's...what's the matter? You don't like it?" she said, now looking at me worried.
I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably. The guilt mixed with the beauty of the woman that was before me was far too much to keep my composure.
I had no right to keep this from her any longer. At first it seemed like a great idea. Like my only option. But even if I could pull it off without her ever finding out, there's no way I could look myself in the mirror knowing that everything from that point forward would be based on a lie. The lie that I was as committed to her as she was to me.
Whether or not I was going to hurt her with my truth was irrelevant. The fact that I made the truth hurtful was what really mattered. I couldn't just rob her of the right to know what really happened. The other way around, I know I wouldn't want to know. But more so, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who had the moral fiber or lack thereof to keep it from me.
This sucked. But I had to do something about it.
"Superman, you're scaring me. Tell me what's wrong with you. Please."
"Danielle...sit down. We need to talk."
She grabbed me by the hand and led me to the couch.
Nurturing.
She was always so nurturing.
I was going to miss that.
"Before I start, I need to make something clear."
"Okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Don't say it back, Danielle." she looked at me stunned and surprised at what I said.
"Why can't I say it back? I do love you."
"Because you might not feel that way after I tell you what I have to tell you." A tension came in the room so thick you could throw a dart into it and it'd stick. Fear was written all over her face. Fear of what she already knew I was about to tell her. But that wasn't enough, I had to finish.
"I never meant to hurt you." Tears started filling my eyes again. I damn near couldn't breathe. "I cheated. I cheated and I'm so sorry."
She didn't move or make any change in her face. She continued to look at me as her tears and mine began to mirror each other. We sat there a few seconds.
"But why?"
"I don't have a reason, and there's definitely no excuse. Not one that's valid. I'm so sorry."
"When?" she said coldly.
I sat there and looked at her. By the way she looked back at me I could see that she knew exactly when.
"So you mean to tell me, that all this time I was up worried about you, you were out sleeping with some other bitch?"
I tried to speak a few times and was successful on one of my tries. "Yes. And I was wrong. I'm so sorry."
"Don't give me that sorry shit." she said getting up and walking in the bedroom. I heard her snatch the cord of the radio from the wall. She flipped the lights on again and the mood changed instantly. She had gotten pretty hot with me before, but this time she was nuclear.
"How could you? You told me you'd never do this. You said you were different."
"Danielle, I'm...I'm sorry."
"That means about as much as the rest of that bullshit you been feeding me. I'm so disgusted I can't even look at you right now. You're no better than these other niggas. You got some nerve and then come right up in here acting like everything's okay."
"I can't blame you for being mad, but I promise, I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't wanna come off like I'm tryna justify what I did because it was foul, but you have to know that I love you and I'm sorry."
"You know what, if you say you sorry one more time I swear."
"I know you're mad. You have every right to be. If I could do it over again I would. I mean I'd do it differently. I wouldn't have been so stupid as to have let one night ruin everything we've built over the years."
"Oh, you were stupid all right."
"I would've come home, and stayed home. But I didn't. I can't go back and do it again. All I can say is that I'm sorry and if you give me a chance, I'll make it more than words. I'll show you that I do love you. Because I do."
"I know you're sorry. A sorry piece of-"
"I can see why you'd say that but I have to-"
"Just...stop it. You've done enough talking. Now let me speak. I have never...ever trusted someone with my heart like I have you. I've never invested myself into someone like I have you. I've never loved anyone like you. If I could take it all back, I would. A man says what he means and means exactly what he says. You can't look me in my eye and tell
me you love me then go out and sleep around. Actions speak louder than words and nothing about yours say a word about you being a man. You're a piece of shit just like the sperm donor that left you. Clearly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
Her words struck like lightning. Lightning I deserved to feel. She had a way of reaching to depths of me no one else could possibly reach to get her point across.
"This is all my fault and I accept full responsibility for my actions. I don't know another way to apologize but I did do the best I could in at least telling you the truth."
"You didn't mess up, you are messed up. You're a mess all together. You don't do shit right. And you jump at any piece of ass that's thrown your way. Oh and don't try that 'I at least told you the truth' shit because that doesn't make it right. You're still as no good as the rest of these niggas and I hope your daughter grows up to marry one so she can feel just how you're making me feel right now." I had never heard her talk like this. Ever.
"Okay Danielle. I got it. I'll get my stuff and I'll go."
"No, you stay, I'll go. I don't want to be in this house any longer. I don't want to be reminded of all the shit I did for you tonight to try and show your cheating ass some special attention. I just want you to know that you really had something good going in your life, for once. And you just ruined it. No, as a matter of fact, you didn't ruin it. You cheated on it, but it will be just fine without your sorry ass. I can promise you that."
She went back into the room and stuffed random clothes into a duffle bag. As much as I didn't want to be selfish, what she had just said was now overpowering the freedom I was supposed to have from telling the truth.
They say that when you're mad you say things you don't mean. I believe that when you're mad, you say things you've been meaning to say but never did. But is that what she really thought of me? It was no time to ask, nor care.
This was just as bad as I thought it'd be and I didn't see it getting much better any time soon. The end of that night couldn't come soon enough.
Chapter 16
Flawed Hearts Break Too
I woke up on the couch, smelling the scent of candles burned down to the wax and stale food. I didn't remember falling asleep nor was I sure what time I fell asleep.
Danielle was gone, definitely, but other than that, I wasn't sure of much of anything. Shit just didn't feel right. I didn't know what it was that I wanted. I just knew I didn't have it.
Tired of crying and exhausted from trying to decide what in the hell to do with my life, I closed my eyes and lay back down on the couch.
Danielle's last words were sharp, and she shoved them as deeply into my stomach as she could.
You're a piece of shit just like the sperm donor that left you. She really didn't have to go there. Even out of anger, there's just some things you don't say, but I guess there's some things you just don't do also, like cheat.
You still as no good as the rest of these niggas and I hope your daughter grows up to marry one. Clearly she wouldn't wish that on her own child. So plans of us having a family were out the window.
As a matter of fact, you didn't ruin it. You cheated on it, but it will be just fine without your sorry ass. Yeah, if there ever was an end, this was it. I was afraid of hurting her and ultimately breaking her, but I was wrong. She'd be just fine without my sorry ass. As she should be.
She knew the truth, I gave it my best shot at breaking it to her easy, and we didn't have to call the cops. For some reason it still didn't feel like I did enough. I just felt hollow.
I broke her heart and mine in the same moment. Some champ I was.
I needed somebody to talk to. Maybe someone who could tell me it was going to be okay. Somebody who could pretend to care, so I could pretend to believe them, so we could both pretend I wasn't the jerk I knew I was.
That was wishful thinking at its best. Realistically, they'd say, "You know it's your fault. I hope you learned your lesson." Or "You did the right thing, now you know better for next time." Hell, I didn't want a next time if at any point it could possibly feel like this. And what did their opinions matter anyway? Everyone acts like you deserve any punishment you get for whatever crime you commit, so long as they're not the ones committing it.
It was then that I realized that growing up was an evil process. Inevitably hard lessons to learn, a world full of people ready to crack the whip when you learned them, and pain being the one thing that'll be there for you at the end of it all.
I counted every blessing I had, and it never added up to losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I think they call that depression. A deep hole you can't climb out of that only gets deeper the longer you fall.
I didn't trust anyone to be able to pull me out, and even if they could, they probably wouldn't. I was too exhausted to keep lying, and my truth was only going to justify the boot in my face they'd give me to make me fall faster once I reminded them of someone they hated.
I didn't fit into this world. No matter how I compared myself to people, I wasn't one of the good ones.
I hurt those who were loyal to me, and I wasn't completely sure I'd never do it again if given another chance. Not because I didn't want to, but because of my ability to be human, and people's inability to understand.
They would only give me lessons they never learned about loyalty. That's what got me in this mess. Loyalty. It's the very opposite of its definition because there's no way you can be loyal to one without being disloyal to everyone else. There'll come a point when more than one person will need you at the same time. And when you choose, no matter how you do so, you will lose at least one of them.
Life was teaching me what no one else could. And what it was teaching me, was making me hate it. It didn't have to go like this. I was born without this knowledge, and receiving it shouldn't have to hurt this badly.
Yet and still, Danielle was my main concern. She didn't deserve for me to happen to her, and I hate that I did. There's nothing I could possibly do to turn back the hands of time to fix things, but there was one thing I could do to stop the hands of time from breaking things again.
I started praying.
"Dear God, if you can hear me, I need you. Thanking you for any blessings with my words would be a slap in the face with what my actions are doing to show my lack of appreciation, so I'll spare you. I'm not here calling on you because we're best friends. We both know that's not the truth. But I'm here because I need a blessing I don't deserve. Probably not the first time you've heard that. You give blessings to people who don't deserve ‘em all the time. You bless deadbeat dads with beautiful children. You bless people who scheme all their lives with their dream house and cars. You bless liars with the ability to run for political offices and make laws that are only in their own interest. But I'm not asking for any of those things. Lord I'm asking for peace. Peace in knowing that Danielle will get the happiness she deserves even without me, peace in knowing that you and I can somehow get back to how we used to be. God, I just want peace. You don't have to say anything back, but please answer my prayer. I don't have anyone else. Amen."
I opened my eyes again to feel tears dropping like rain, then wiped them so I could make out the floor well enough to watch my step on my way out of the house.
I grabbed a hold of the railing going down the stairs to the parking lot, forgetting how I had not eaten in almost 24 hours. I was weak, shaking, and had a throbbing headache. Something needed to happen. I just wanted all this to stop
I popped open the trunk of my car, moved some old cleats out of the way, and there it was. My answer to not only my problems, but also every woman's problem that I would have otherwise encountered in the future.
The gun I was trying to give Jazmin was still tucked safely in the back of the trunk and the one courtesy bullet was there too. I was always scared of what it could be like to welcome death, but with all that life was doing to me at the moment, there wasn't much lower I could go, and upwards wasn't looking too hopeful either.
This was less about me, but more so about the sacrifice I needed to make in order to save everyone from me. The only two people that cared about me were in pain, and it was my fault. I was in pain, and it was my fault. Everything was my fault, and for once I needed to keep a promise, a promise to stop hurting people.
I closed the trunk and went back upstairs. My eyes were still burning and my stomach was growling with no remorse.
I went into the bedroom, then into the closet, and it looked like a tornado hit it from the night before when Danielle went through it for her belongings. Clothes were everywhere, some hanging halfway off the hanger, most on the floor.
We always had a keepsake box that we said we'd show our children of what it was like when we were their age one day. Last I remember, it was in the closet but with my body aching for more sleep and breakfast, it was getting tough to find it.
I slung the clothes out into the bedroom, trying to let the carpet breathe for a better chance of finding it, and sure enough I saw it emerge from the very back on the right side with all the other stuff we hadn't touched in ages.
I sat down and opened it up to the strong scent of Danielle from about a year and a half ago when I bought her the new Beyonce fragrance for Christmas. That was when she suggested we make a memory box together.
My old high school football newspaper articles, a few old pencils, but mostly printouts from cell phone pictures we took on our first few dates were in there. I got a bit choked up as I was reminded of all the good times we had.
One picture was from our first movie date when I spent my last dime on tickets and her meal and had to pretend I wasn't hungry while I watched her eat. I was your average broke college student aiming for an above average girl so I did what I had to do. It was worth it, and I don't think she knew just how broke I went trying to be a gentleman.
Another picture was from the first time I took her to the fair. She asked me for a piggy back ride, and even though I was sore from football practice, I accepted. After a few miles of walking, my legs were locking up and burning all up and down my hamstrings. Out of sheer pride, I kept walking so she wouldn't think she was too heavy. That was my baby.
