by Derrick Jaxn
I grabbed the pictures from the box and stood back up into reality. I was alone again, cold, and while not heartless, the one I had didn't work.
I didn't know much about suicides, I guess not many people get a chance to practice, but I did know that they usually come with a note. Looking over to the corner of the room I spotted one of my notebooks, the paper in it barely touched. Not sure of what to say, but this would all be for nothing if it was misunderstood.
I couldn't always articulate verbally what I felt, but writing was something that allowed me to be more transparent. I grabbed the notebook and a pencil nearby and started writing:
To all those it may concern:
I just want to say I'm sorry. If I ever hurt you, if I ever lied to you, if I ever did you wrong, I'm sorry. I don't know if there's a way to make amends for something you can't take back, but if actions speak louder than words, then I hope you hear my next one for the rest of your life that I truly mean this apology. I don't blame anyone but me, and I take full accountability.
Momma: You were the best mother anyone could ask for. You showed me so much and I'm so glad God gave you to me because he didn't have to. I don't have a lot of money left, but what's in my account is yours to help with the funeral costs. I'll be watching over you until we meet again. Love you, Momma.
My sisters: Since I was born, you all looked out for me, and I can't thank you enough. I'm sorry for not being someone you could be proud of, but I never took for granted the things you taught me about life. Tell my nieces and nephews, once they're old enough to understand, that their uncle loved them dearly and they can do anything they set their minds to. Kiss them for me often. Love y’all.
My Dad: We never got to know each other, and now we never will. I think you would've been proud of me for the most part, but I needed you in ways you'll never understand. At the end of the day, I'm doing what I have to do, the way a man should. Love you, Dad.
Danielle: I don't know what else to say, but I love you. I didn't show it very well, I know. And I know you probably don't believe me...but it's true. I hope you can learn to forgive me, not for me, but for you. You deserve the peace of mind it'll take to move on and find a man who's never going to hurt you. You're special in so many ways and 'amazing' is an understatement to describe you, but it's the closest I have to sum you up in one word. I made a mistake I can't undo and life isn't life without you so this is my goodbye. You'll never have to see me again, at least until God reunites us, this time without my flaws, and ready to love you the way I should have before. I promised to protect you no matter what, and I will keep that promise. I should have done it the day we met, and just walked away until I was ready, but instead I took a chance...and I failed. But I won't fail again.
If I didn't mention you, please forgive me. I can't see very well because of my tears but trust me, I haven't forgotten you. But it's time for me to go now.
Sincerely,
Shawn
I left the letter lying on the dining room table in between the two silver platters of food from the night before. Pretty sure that'd be an easy place to find it, and it was as good as it was going to get without a bulletin board.
I grabbed my keys and walked out the door, this time not shutting it. It wasn't like I was coming back again.
I forgot to decide on a place that I would do it. I wasn't looking to cause a scene, but I didn't want to sit there for weeks before someone found me either.
The only place that made any sense was the lake. People came there every day, but it was never too crowded when Danielle and I would go there. It'd be perfect.
I got in my car and put in my favorite CD, Jay Z's Reasonable Doubt album, and turned the key. It was low on gas as usual, but had just enough to get me to the destination.
On the way there I could hear everything from last night as if it were playing through the speakers instead of the lyrics I was listening to. Seeing Danielle's face shedding tears I couldn't wipe away sent a cold pain through my chest.
I made it to the lake. It was empty and as peaceful as I'd ever seen it. Nobody was there since it was already early afternoon and classes were still in session.
I went to the only spot around the lake I knew, the one Danielle and I went to on our nights we had deep conversations to get to know each other. It brought back more memories and feelings that I could count on never having back.
No more wasting time. I popped the trunk and fetched for the pistol. Trying to figure out exactly where the bullet could be loaded was a challenge. I wasn't familiar with guns and forgot to ask for a manual, but I eventually figured it out.
I pulled out the pictures from our memory box to see them one last time. It was the last sight I wanted of my 22 year-old life, the good days when things were still the way it was supposed to be.
I grabbed the pistol firmly in my palm, now very sweaty, and placed my finger on the trigger. The gun was shaking so badly I had to pace my breathing. If I missed, I wasn't going to have another chance to do it right because I only had one bullet.
Closing my eyes, I put the gun in my mouth pointing it toward the roof of my gums, held my breath, and pulled the trigger....
click
The safety was still on. My heart was beating out of my chest, my shirt now drenched in a mixture of tears and sweat, and I felt myself getting ready to hyperventilate. I leaned my head back to the headrest.
I looked down at the gun and found the safety slider on the side and turned it off.
I couldn't mess up this time.
So I mustered up the courage to do it again. Still feeling myself getting cold feet, I started talking to myself.
"Damn you, Shawn, do something right for once," I whispered.
I put the gun back in my mouth aiming it the same way as before. Eased my finger onto the trigger. Closed my eyes again and tears gushed out.
I stopped thinking, and started squeezing....
"SHAWN! NO! SHAWN!!!"
I opened my eyes and saw Danielle and Jazmin running full sprint to my car.
Chapter 17
It Could All Be So Simple
I snapped out of memory lane and came back to Dr. Holley's office at the sound of her crying.
"Jesica?" I said. "Are you all right?"
"Yes. I'm okay," she sobbed.
I got up and walked around. When I spotted her bathroom, I went in and unrolled a few sheets of tissue before walking back towards her.
"Here, take this."
She grabbed them, trying to hide her face. "Thank you, Mr. Fletcher. Really, I'm okay. Just my allergies. I need to dust in here, that's all."
"Right...um. Do you want to just pick this up another time or...?"
She sniffled a few times, pulling herself together."No, we can finish, but I want to say something before we do."
I sat back down on the couch and kept listening.
"Mr. Fletcher, I'm so glad you didn't hurt yourself, and thank you for being honest enough to share that. But I want to let you know, no matter what, there's always something to live for, even if you can't see it at the moment."
"I understand. Now I do. But, not every day you wake up feels like a blessing. As a matter of fact, it can feel like a curse. When you feel like you're living in hell, dying and taking your chances of going doesn't seem like such a bad idea. But I know better now."
"Right. Well I just wanted to put that out there, but there's no need to dwell on it for too long since that's not why you've come. So, I know you had mentioned something earlier about learning to forgive yourself. What's keeping you from doing that?"
"Well that's why I'm here. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I...I just-"
"Believed in something you couldn't live up to."
"Yes."
"Well, that doesn't make you evil. That makes you human."
"But society ain't tryna hear that. Neither is my ex,"
"To hell with society. I know, you're still considered a cheater, and in some people's eyes, that won't
change for as long as you live. But that's a lot like saying a car is broken without diagnosing the root issues. On the surface, it makes sense, but that kind of limited thinking won't get you far. Society's motive is rarely to fix the problem, just a diagnosis that makes them feel better about the skeletons in their own closets."
"You ain't never lied, Jesica." I said in agreement. "But one more question; should I, or should I not try again at love? I mean, I know what I want, and that’s a real relationship, a real marriage and a real family. But I can’t wear the blood of another broken heart on my hands again. I simply can’t."
"Well you don’t have to. First you have to understand that there's a such thing as consciously doing something you know is wrong without intentionally causing the damage as a result. For instance, people text and drive all the time, but few intentionally plan on running off the road into a ditch. They knew that what they were doing was wrong, but they didn't anticipate the rest. The seeds of your actions were planted long before the fruit came along. To change your harvest, you have to change your seeds."
"English, please.”
"Like your lack of communication. Where communication dies, assumption will thrive and trust won't have a chance to develop. You're not doing anyone a favor by lying. The moment you felt any physical attraction for Jazmin after you were in a committed relationship should've been your cue to discuss it with Danielle."
"So she could simply tell me to end my only real friendship? Not saying it wouldn't have been worth it, but what about the next attractive person. I mean, I can't go blind or go hide under a rock just so I can be in a relationship."
"But you can humble yourself enough to know that you're only human and that the women you have physical attraction for need to be kept at a distance before you lose what really matters; or rather, what matters most."
She closed her laptop and sighed, still staring at me as she gathered her thoughts for what she was about to say next.
"Mr. Fletcher, you're not that much different from a lot of my clients. You've spent most of your life trying to be something you're not; a bachelor and a player. You settled for those lifestyles thinking you could full-proof yourself from heartache. Those lifestyles develop safety nets we run to when we want to escape our reality; some people’s safety net is drug abuse, yours was women, particularly, Jazmin. The place where you went wrong, where a lot of men and women go wrong, is when you tried to force your relationship while not being all the way healed from the past hurt. Up until the first break-up, you were all in. But afterwards, you subconsciously withdrew from the idea of ‘relationship’. But you loved Danielle too much to see her go for good because you couldn’t stand the idea of her being in the arms of another man. And because humans have the capability of being deeply in love while not being ready for a relationship, you dove head first into something you weren’t ready for. That’s why you crashed at the next sign of trouble.”
"So basically, I should’ve cut my safety net from the beginning. But, I didn’t want to for-”
“Fear of hitting rock bottom again once things fell apart. But, a part of being in relationship, is being brave enough to take that risk, and building a trust with your partner beforehand that gives you that courage, Mr. Fletcher. You can’t adequately give Plan A a chance if you’re always making sure there’s a Plan B just in case things don’t work out. I know you’ve always wanted something real, but pain molded you into something that wasn't ready for it when it came. However, you can use this pain you still have to get you back to where you need to be."
“Back to where I need to be? You mean, back to where I was before?”
“Yes.”
“I don't mean to get all spiritual on you, but why would God put someone through so much just to bring them back to their starting point. I mean, I made the decision early to do the right thing but it's like He punished me for that. Just so He can get me back all over again? Come on man."
"First off, you have free will and made your own choices. So he didn't punish you for anything. But believe it or not, there are a lot of women who believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. It seems that now, God is wanting to use you as His proof of what He's capable of, even when dealing with a cheating man's heart. That's why He's given you the platform you have today to reach people. Nothing is a mistake, so long as you learn from it."
"And live to tell the story,"
"Yet here you are." she said smiling. "Well, let's stop and take a break. We can pick up later and continue the session another time. But I'm curious. How did Jazmin and Danielle come together to find you in your car? And you never told me who your ex is. It's been three years between now and the time you were at that lake, so are you referring to Danielle, or did you and Jazmin also have a relationship afterwards?"
My stomach rumbled, signaling lunch time. I looked at the clock and got the cosign I needed.
"Jesica, I think that's a great place to, as you say, pick up later."
