The Year We Turned Forty

by Liz Fenton

  For a moment it felt like everything in the coffee shop was moving in slow motion as Jessie rearranged herself in her seat and Cathy ogled baby Lucas and Peter fidgeted with his BlackBerry. Claire knew it was up to her to break the awkward silence.

  “Hi, I’m Claire.” Claire extended her hand to Cathy and gave Jessie a pointed look.

  “I’m Cathy,” she said, shaking her hand firmly. “And this is my husband, Peter. We both know Jessie from Jefferson Elementary.”

  Peter offered his hand to her and she reluctantly took it, holding his gaze for a beat, wondering if he knew Jessie had told her the truth.

  “Nice to meet you,” Claire chimed, channeling her real estate agent persona. “I think I need to order Jess another double espresso, she’s such a zombie this morning. Even though this little guy is sleeping peacefully right now, he’s been a terror at night. Right, Jess?” Claire said, pulling a pale blue blanket up around Lucas’ chin.

  “Right . . . a terror.” Jessie forced the words, trying to regain her composure. It had been years since she’d seen Peter. She was almost hypnotized by him, unable to look away, surprised how he knocked the wind out of her all over again. After she’d told him she was pregnant and he’d stormed out of the restaurant, she’d never spoken to him again, and managed to avoid him the entire time she carried his child, quickly turning the other way whenever she caught a glimpse of his profile in the elementary school hallway.

  Shortly after Lucas was born, she’d found out Peter and Cathy had moved away. She’d driven by the sold sign in front of their ranch house, feeling conflicted—relieved because now she could finally breathe, but also devastated on behalf of her newborn son, that his father would leave without so much as a forwarding address.

  Finally, she met Cathy’s eyes. “Sorry I’m so out of it. Claire’s right, sleep has been nonexistent in my life since this little guy was born. He’s cute now, but you should have heard him at 3 a.m.!” Cathy laughed, and Jessie studied her face for any signs she knew the truth, but she seemed genuine—sweet, even—which only tightened the knot in Jessie’s stomach.

  “Those days seem forever ago, don’t they, Peter?” Cathy said, giving him a sideways glance until he finally cleared his throat and spoke.

  “Right, can’t believe it’s already been ten years,” he said, only looking up from his phone for a few seconds.

  Lucas chose that moment to open his eyes, nearly a perfect match to Peter’s, and let out a small squeal.

  “Oh, look at those eyes!” Cathy reached her arms toward Lucas and Jessie froze, wondering if Cathy was going to see the resemblance. But she only asked if she could hold him.

  Jessie felt an involuntary shiver ripple through her.

  She didn’t know Cathy well; she’d seen her in passing at school functions, and she’d only talked to her twice before she’d slept with Peter. The first was at a school bake sale, where they’d made small talk about a home renovation Cathy and Peter were doing. Jessie felt immediately intimidated by this beautiful woman—her rich brown hair fell to the middle of her back, her limbs seemed to go on forever, and her caramel-colored eyes were shaped like almonds. Not only did her high-powered job send her jetting across the globe, but she still managed to oversee the work done on her house and make it to school events. Jessie could barely get dressed before driving the twins to school.

  The next time they ran into each other was in the school parking lot. Cathy was running late for her parent-teacher conference and looked considerably more frazzled than she had at the bake sale. She made a halfhearted joke to Jessie that it was hard to do it all, and Jessie felt a pang of sympathy for Cathy, knowing from Claire how hard it was to miss so many important moments in Emily’s life because she had to work.

  “Of course you can hold him,” Jessie said finally, and tried to steady her trembling hands as she slowly unbuckled the straps on Lucas’ car seat.

  “Maybe you should hold off on that second double espresso. You’re shaking.” Cathy laughed and Jessie pressed her lips into a smile, placing Lucas gently in Cathy’s arms. While Cathy bounced Lucas, Jessie looked at Peter, watching him recognize how the jut of Lucas’ chin matched his own, the way his eyes turned from green to hazel as they caught the light. Sensing her gaze, he glanced at her for a second before looking away.

  As Cathy cradled Lucas, swaying her hips unconsciously while she rocked him, Jessie’s lip began to quiver and she knew if she didn’t speak immediately, she would start crying. “Cathy, I’m surprised to see you here in the middle of the day,” she finally managed.

  “I took a new position at work.” She didn’t take her eyes off Lucas. “I won’t be traveling anymore.”

  Jessie forced herself not to look at Peter for his reaction. “Congratulations.” Last time, Jessie heard that she and Peter had moved because of Cathy’s job. She’d been promoted and was making more money, and their new house had apparently been closer to the prestigious private school where they’d enrolled their son. Jessie had been patiently waiting for them to move away in this life too.

  “Thanks. My company actually offered me a promotion. And believe me, it was hard to turn down because it came with a giant raise.” She laughed. “Peter really pushed for me to take it. He said I’d worked so hard, that I deserved it.” Cathy paused and gave him a smile. “He’s always been so supportive.”

  Jessie’s eyes locked on Peter’s and he averted his gaze quickly. Jessie had wondered if he’d pushed Cathy to take the promotion so he could escape what he’d done. Jessie wondered why he hadn’t been able to convince her this time.

  “But the thing is,” Cathy continued, “I would have been traveling even more, and I just had this epiphany. And here’s the really funny part, I didn’t even tell Peter this yet.”

  “What?” Peter and Jessie asked at the same time. Jessie laughed awkwardly.

  “You were part of the reason I turned it down.”

  “Me?” Jessie asked as she caught Claire’s eye. This was it. Cathy was about to slam her for the affair. Jessie suddenly wanted to pull Lucas from her arms and run, but she couldn’t move.

  “I saw you and your kids a few days ago, on Tuesday. You didn’t see me. You were heading into the grocery store and I was driving to a lunch meeting and I thought, I could never do that. Spend a day with Sean during the week.”

  Jessie felt an intense pressure in her chest, as if someone were sitting on it. She remembered that day. She hadn’t even thought twice before heading out of the house. They were picking up deli sandwiches and going to the park for a picnic. Last time, she’d avoided going anywhere in public with the baby, petrified she might run into Peter or even Cathy. But this time, she’d decided she needed to focus more on her relationship with her kids than worrying about a chance encounter.

  Cathy was still talking and Jessie forced herself to listen. “And I thought, why am I wasting the best years away from my family? Peter gets to be around, and I should too. So I turned it down and demanded they find a spot for me that required no travel. And not only did I get that, but they said I can also work from home a few days a month.” She looked at Peter again as she said this. Jessie suddenly wondered if his wife knew but was playing some sick and twisted game with both of them. Or maybe it really had been a coincidence that seeing Jessie with her kids prompted her into action.

  “So you’ll probably see me in here more often!” Cathy smiled and handed Lucas back to Jessie. “He’s gorgeous. It’s funny, he looks so much like Sean did as a baby,” she said, handing Lucas back to Jessie.

  Jessie tried to formulate a response but the words caught in her throat as she realized this had only happened because she’d come back. Last time, she’d lost Grant, but she’d also been free of any tangles with Peter and Cathy. She hugged Lucas tightly, suddenly worried that this change could somehow take him from her.

  “All babies kind of look the same, small and squishy, right?” Peter said briskly. “We should probably get going, Cath; we’re mee
ting the contractor at ten.”

  “Contractor?” Jessie asked before she could stop herself.

  “Oh yeah. When I thought I was taking the offer, we were going to move, but now we’re staying put and doing an add-on!” Cathy said brightly as Peter guided her by the arm toward the counter. “Nice to see you. And thanks for inspiring me!” she added with a smile as they walked away.

  “You’re welcome,” Jessie said, her chin starting to quiver.

  “Hey,” Claire said firmly. “I know you’re upset. But you need to hold it together right now, Jess,” she said through gritted teeth as she eyed Peter and Cathy ordering their coffees.

  Jessie nodded her head in agreement.

  “You can cry when they leave, I promise.” Claire squeezed Jessie’s hand. “Jess, I know you were caught off guard, but you can’t act like that around Cathy and Peter if you see them again or she’ll figure out something is going on. She isn’t stupid.”

  “No, she’s not.” Jessie smiled wide and waved good-bye to Cathy as Peter held the door, the silver bells that hung from the handle jangling as they left.

  “Claire, what have we done coming back here?” Jessie looked at Lucas. “Cathy has now met the child her husband had with me. She didn’t take the promotion because she saw me with the kids, and they aren’t moving? Why would the universe want us entangled in each other’s lives?”

  “Remember, it’s the butterfly effect. Even small changes can create a drastically different outcome.” Claire thought about how easily she’d slipped back into her old patterns of letting Emily get away with things she shouldn’t. They’d recently had an argument about her watching too much TV. Emily had screamed so loudly that Claire was afraid someone would call the police. She’d been too distraught to react, simply going in her room and closing the door behind her. Why couldn’t she be stronger with her daughter even when she knew what the outcome would be if she wasn’t? Claire took a drink of her now lukewarm coffee.

  “Do you think Cathy suspects something?” Jessie leaned toward Claire.

  “I don’t think so,” Claire answered. “She was really wrapped up in the baby.”

  “I know,” Jessie said as she watched Peter and Cathy get into their black Suburban. “That’s what makes me nervous.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  * * *

  Gabriela thumbed mindlessly through an issue of Good Housekeeping and waited for her name to be called, her heart thumping so hard she could hear the pounding in her ears. She pressed her thumbs against her temples and breathed in deeply.

  “You okay?” Jessie asked, putting her magazine facedown in her lap.

  “Yeah, I’m just nervous,” she said as she scanned the waiting room full of women—some with swollen bellies, some without, some with other kids in tow, some young and a few older—like her. “I’m scared they’re going to tell me”—she lowered her voice and leaned toward Jessie, who was sitting in the pale green vinyl chair across from hers—“that I’m too old.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! If that were the case, I wouldn’t have been able to conceive Lucas at thirty-nine! You’re only a year older than I was when I got pregnant with him.” Jessie watched a four-year-old come whizzing by, his arms outstretched like an airplane, his mom sternly warning him that he’d better come back and sit down or there would be no ice cream for him after they left.

  “Then why hasn’t it happened yet?” The circles under Gabriela’s eyes looked almost white against her olive skin.

  “It will.” Jessie moved into the seat next to Gabriela. “You should focus on the fact that you’ve been trying, that Colin changed his mind. Didn’t you say that in itself is a miracle?”

  Gabriela thought back to the day Colin came home early from work, finding her in what had begun to feel like a perpetual haze, staring at her computer screen, silently praying for the words to come. She wished she could have blamed the lure of Facebook or Twitter, but sadly, she didn’t even have those distractions.

  Colin had swiveled her chair around so she could face him and knelt down on the floor, his hands resting in her lap as he looked up at her. “I’ve changed my mind,” he said, letting the words linger for a moment, watching as Gabriela processed the sentence she’d waited years to hear.

  “You want a baby?” she said, tears and quiet laughter mixing together, but fear also lingering as she worried she’d misunderstood, that he was talking about something else.

  “Yes,” he’d answered. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

  If you only knew how long it’s really been, Gabriela thought as she hugged him to her chest, knowing instantly that Rowan had talked to him, feeling a sudden love for her mother-in-law she hadn’t known was possible, and a slight twinge of regret, wishing she hadn’t let her pride stop her from involving her last time.

  “Thank you,” Gabriela said, then listened quietly as Colin explained how his mom had sat him down and made him see it in a way he hadn’t before. He struggled with the story, obviously feeling bad that his mother had been the one to convince him, not Gabriela. But she didn’t care. All she was focused on was that he’d said yes.

  They began trying immediately, but after she’d gotten her period for the second month in a row, she looked at the calendar and decided she couldn’t waste any more time, that she and Colin should see a reproductive endocrinologist who could tell her if there was something wrong.

  Colin had his sperm tested first and, as their doctor put it, he definitely had swimmers that were ready to race. So that had left Gabriela, who needed to undergo blood tests to determine hormone levels and an ultrasound, so any easily identifiable problems with her ovaries, uterus, or fallopian tubes could be ruled out. Then they’d start discussing assisted reproductive technologies. Gabriela had all the terms memorized now, having spent much of the last month studying everything from in vitro fertilization, or IVF, to gestational carriers, scouring message boards where she chatted with women about the best doctors, the latest technologies, staying up until all hours working on her pregnancy when she knew she should be working on her novel. Today she’d find out what this future held, if she’d be able to conceive on her own or if she’d need some help.

  “Gabriela?” a nurse called out as she propped the door open with her hip, looking at her clipboard and then at the people in the waiting room.

  “Want me to come in with you since Colin’s not here yet?” Jessie asked.

  “I’m here, I’m here,” Colin said, rushing in just as the nurse called Gabriela’s name again. “Thanks for waiting with her, Jessie. It was bumper-to-bumper on the 405!” he said as he loosened his tie and clamped his hand over Gabriela’s and walked her toward the nurse. Jessie knew he’d been coming from his law office in Westwood, just fifteen miles away, but with Los Angeles traffic everything took forever, especially at 4 p.m. She admired him for ducking out of work early, showing that he really was invested in having a baby.

  As Jessie watched the door swing shut behind them, she thought about how she’d gone to her first ultrasound appointment for Lucas alone. Grant didn’t know she was pregnant and Peter was out of the picture. She’d felt loneliness cover her like a heavy blanket as she’d followed the nurse into a tiny room and was instructed to put on the gown and leave it open in the back. She’d draped the salmon pink quilted paper over her thighs and tried not to cry. Her mind had flashed to the first time she and Grant had seen their twin daughters, just two tiny fetuses floating inside of her, curled around each other. She’d been scared shitless—twins didn’t run in either of their families—but also excited to do it with Grant at her side. They were only four years into their marriage and still madly in love.

  There was a part of her that went to that appointment alone because she thought the doctor might tell her she’d imagined the whole thing, that the blood test results had been a false positive (she read that could happen) and she would float out of the doctor’s office, and the one-night stand with Peter would stay buried deep inside of h
er where no one would ever find it. But instead, she’d seen the black-and-white image of her baby on the monitor, so tiny, tinier than she’d remembered they could be, and she’d started to cry. It didn’t matter who the father was, she had a life growing inside of her.

  As Jessie waited for Gabriela, she said a silent prayer for her friend, hoping the doctor was giving her good news, racked with guilt that she’d gotten pregnant so carelessly with a baby that belonged to the wrong man, while Gabriela was struggling to have a baby she wanted more than anything with the right one.

  • • •

  “I still don’t see why we needed to come all the way down here,” Mona complained as Claire pushed the elevator button with more force than was necessary, attempting to stay calm as she shepherded her mom toward Dr. Lee’s sterile office. It was just a few miles from where she knew Gabriela was also awaiting critical news, mentally preparing herself for the stiff chairs and nurses to match. But the lack of comfort was nothing compared to how it would feel to sit by her mother for the second time as she received her cancer diagnosis.

  Before, Mona had dragged her feet for over a year before seeing a doctor, unknowingly letting the disease fester inside her lungs like mold in a damp cellar. After they’d learned she had stage-three lung cancer, Claire and her father had second-guessed the hell out of themselves. They’d all heard the cough. They’d seen her color slowly drain from her face, the weight drop from her frame. But they’d all been too busy with their day-to-day routines to notice that she was literally dying right in front of them from a smoker’s disease, even though she’d never held a cigarette to her mouth.

  This time, she’d insisted her mom see a doctor, and when she balked, claiming it was probably just a respiratory virus, Claire had picked up the phone and made the appointment herself.