Juliette flopped back down against the pillows, her face flushed, her eyes bright as gemstones. ‘I’m not letting you get away with that without a payback.’
‘Is that a promise?’
She smiled and scrambled to a sitting position, pushing him down so he was on his back. ‘What do you think?’ She straddled him and slid down his body until her mouth was close to his erection.
He sucked in a rasping breath. ‘I can’t think right now.’
‘Then don’t. Just feel.’ And when she closed her mouth over him that was all he could do. He was reduced to sensations so powerful, so all-consuming, he thought he would lose consciousness. The teasing suction of her mouth, the sexy glide and the kittenish licks of her tongue made him fly into a vortex of mind-blowing, senses-spinning ecstasy.
He came back to earth with a deep sigh of contentment and brought her down so she was lying on top of him, her legs entangled with his. He stroked the length of her spine in slow movements, enjoying the press of her breasts against his chest, the beat of her heart against his, her hair tickling him where it cascaded over him like a mermaid’s.
He listened to the gradual slowing of her breathing, felt her body gradually melt into full relaxation as she drifted off to sleep.
A long time later he too closed his eyes but it was a long time before he went to sleep...
* * *
On Monday morning Joe woke a little later than was normal for him. He turned to reach for Juliette but the space beside him in the bed was vacant. For a brief moment panic gripped him in the chest like a claw—a sudden, savage claw that reminded him of all the mornings he had woken without her beside him. But then the sound of her moving about in the bathroom relaxed his tense muscles like the injection of a prophylactic drug. Relief swept through him in deep calming waves.
After spending the weekend wandering around the city of Paris hand in hand, they were flying back to Italy this afternoon. He could not remember a time when he had felt such a deep sense of hope. Hope that their relationship had a chance to be restored, regenerated, renewed. But while Juliette had initially agreed to stay a couple of weeks, she hadn’t said anything about staying longer. He wanted her to stay longer. He wanted to resume their marriage. To start afresh. To build on the new understanding they had now after spending time together.
Juliette came out of the bathroom already showered and dressed. ‘Good morning, sleepyhead.’ Her smile was as bright as the sunshine pouring through the window and his breath caught in the middle of his chest.
‘Yes, well, you did wear me out a little last night.’ Joe smiled and tossed off the bedcovers and slipped on a bathrobe in case he was tempted to take her back to bed and cause them to miss their flight.
She gave an answering smile but something about a look in her eyes gave him pause. ‘Joe?’
He came over to her and ran his hands down from her upper arms to her wrists, gently encircling them with his fingers. ‘What’s on your mind, cara?’
She drew most of her lower lip into her mouth, holding it there for a beat before releasing it. ‘You know how I said we should be honest about our feelings? Well, I don’t want to go ahead with the divorce.’
Joe pulled her to him in a tight hug, his relief so immense it flooded his being. ‘I don’t want that either. I want you to stay with me.’ His voice was hoarse with suppressed emotion, his heart thudding with joy. ‘We’ll start afresh. Go on a proper honeymoon this time. We can even renew our vows if that’s what you’d like.’
She leaned back to look up at him, her grey-blue eyes clear. ‘Why, though? Why do you want our marriage to continue?’
Joe could feel a ripple of unease slithering down his spinal column. ‘You know why. We’re good together. We understand each other better now.’
Her eyes drifted to his mouth. ‘Joe, a marriage is not just about good sex.’ Her gaze came back up to his. Direct. Determined. ‘I love you.’
Joe knew he should fill the silence with the answer of those overused words but his mouth dried, his chest tightened. He had never said those words to anyone. Not even his father or Nonna. He had showed it in other ways, but saying those words out loud would trigger something primal in him. Born out of some kind of primitive desire to keep himself free of deep emotional entanglements.
‘Cara, you know I care about you.’ Somehow he spoke past the stricture in his throat.
Her expression faltered, hurt flickering through her gaze, her mouth sagging at the corners. ‘I don’t want you just to care. I want you to love me. And I want us to try for another baby. I’m ready now. Please say you’re ready too?’
Something in his chest gave way as if his heart had suddenly been dislodged, like an industrial crane losing its heavy load. He couldn’t take a new breath. He became lightheaded, disoriented. Panic beat in his chest as if fists were punching inside his heart to escape.
Another baby... Another pregnancy... Another nine months of worry. Of dread. Of anguish.
Joe let his hands drop from around her wrists and stepped back, fighting for air. For composure. For safety. ‘Whoa there. That’s not something I can even think about. Not right now.’
She frowned, her mouth opening and closing as if she couldn’t think of what to say. Then she took a steadying breath. ‘Joe.’ Her tone was level, calm, rational. ‘I know you’re worried about what might happen to me or the baby or both. I suspect most husbands would feel that way if they were asked, especially after going through what we went through. But we’ll have the best of medical care and we can only hope this time the baby will be okay.’
Joe shoved a hand through his hair, his brain reeling so much it felt as if his skull would fracture. ‘I’m not ready to discuss this.’
‘But, if we’re to stay together, we have to discuss difficult things as they come up. Isn’t that what we did wrong in the past? We pushed it under the carpet instead of airing it up front.’
He moved to the other side of the room, unable to get his thoughts out of their frenetic maelstrom. It was like a tornado of terror inside his head. ‘I’m not willing to discuss it. No way.’
Her eyes widened, her cheeks losing colour. ‘No way...ever?’
He scrubbed a hand down his face, his chest still so tight he could barely inflate his lungs. His gut prickled with anxiety, his head pounded, his brain log-jammed. He wanted a reconciliation. It was all he wanted—to have Juliette back in his life. But to go through the stress of another pregnancy, knowing it could end like the last one, would be a step too far. A dangerous, frightening step that made everything in him freeze in panic.
‘Look, I’m happy to resume our marriage—really happy—but having another baby is out of the question. I just can’t face it. I’m sorry.’
Her brow was furrowed with confusion. ‘But I thought you cared about me? I even thought maybe you...loved me, even though you seem unwilling to say the words.’
Love was something Joe had never expected to feel with any intensity. Whenever he felt the stirring of emotions he couldn’t handle he blocked them. Deadened them. Denied them. He let out a long breath. ‘I told you—I care about you.’
She moved further away, crossing her arms over her body. ‘But you’re not in love with me.’ Her tone was flat, resigned, dull.
Joe swallowed against another tight knot in his throat. ‘I’ve never felt like this with anyone else, but as to whether it’s the love you want, well, I can’t guarantee it is.’
She met his gaze with a steady focus that was unnerving. Unnerving because he felt a horrible sense of history about to repeat itself. ‘I spent so much of my childhood wondering if I was loved like my brothers were loved. Never quite feeling I made the grade. I didn’t seem to tick the boxes my parents wanted ticked. I always seemed to disappoint them. It made me feel like an outsider in my own family. I don’t want to live like that in our marriage. I want to be
on an equal footing with you. A true partnership where we share everything openly and honestly.’
What could he say that he hadn’t already said? He was being honest with her. Brutally so.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way about your family. It’s tough feeling like you don’t belong. I get that. But a marriage like ours could be successful without the idealised, overly romanticised version of love you’re talking about.’
Juliette ran her tongue over her lips and continued, her voice becoming husky. ‘I could probably cope with you not being in love with me. I knew when you married me you didn’t love me that way. But I want another baby at some point. It doesn’t have to be right now. But how can we have a future together if you won’t even discuss it?’
‘Of course we have a future together,’ Joe said, struggling to contain his poise. ‘Hasn’t the last week proved that? We’re in a much better place than we ever were before. We know each other so much better and—’
‘I know all that but it’s not enough.’ Her slim shoulders went back as if she was drawing on some inner strength to get her point across. ‘I want a family, Joe. I want to be a mother so badly. I can’t guarantee it will happen, especially given what happened last time, but I still want to try.’
The punching panic in his chest was at a manic stage, like a boxer going for the knockout blow. Desperate to get out of the ring no matter what.
‘Look, children obviously are an important part of many people’s lives. But we’ve been down this road and it nearly destroyed us. Why not quit while we’re ahead? We can have a great life. Travel to anywhere at any time and never want for anything.’
Her eyes dulled, her expression faded, her throat tightened over a swallow. ‘You never wanted her, did you? You never wanted a baby in the first place. That’s why you don’t want another one now. It’s not part of your life plan. It never has been.’
‘That’s not true. I wanted our child as much as you did—’
‘Tell me honestly. Do you ever want another child?’
The silence clawed at his guts, tore at his heart like talons.
‘I’m not sure I can answer that.’ He finally found his voice.
Her grey-blue eyes became glacial ponds, her expression hardening like a hoar frost. ‘I think I get it now. Sorry for being so slow on the uptake.’ Her tone chilled the temperature in the room to an arctic level. ‘The problem as I see it is you don’t want to have a baby with me. I’m the problem.’ She batted her hand against her chest for emphasis. ‘It’s me.’
‘That’s not true,’ Joe said, scrambling for a way out of this wretched conversation. He was in quicksand and sinking. He could feel it dragging him down, down, down. He had seen whole buildings crumple and disappear into sinkholes. Could there be a bigger, blacker pit of despair for him to fall in? To lose her again? Not once, but twice?
But...another baby?
No. No. No. He couldn’t go through it again.
Her spine straightened, her gaze determined. ‘If you don’t want to be the father of my child, then it’s time for us to say goodbye.’
No! The word was a silent scream inside his head. A siren of blind panic. A high-pitched screech of fear that made his blood run cold. But, rather than voice it out loud, Joe curled his lip instead, determined not to show how undone he really was. He would climb out of that damn sinkhole and take control. He had to. He’d done it before. He would do it again.
‘Blackmail doesn’t suit you, Juliette. And you should know by now, I’m not the sort of man to respond to it.’
Her small neat chin came up and her eyes glittered with defiance. ‘Then we are at an impasse.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ he began.
‘I’m not being ridiculous—I’m being realistic,’ Juliette said. ‘What would be the point in continuing our marriage if one of us isn’t getting what we want? Who never gets what they want? I’d end up resenting you. Hating you for denying me the family I want so much.’
Joe strode over to her but refrained from touching her. If he touched her, he would agree to anything. He couldn’t risk it. He needed time to process what she was demanding. It was too much for him to handle when they had only been back together a matter of days.
‘There’s always compromise in relationships,’ he said, shocked at how calm and collected he sounded when on the inside he was collapsing like a badly constructed office tower. The very foundation of his being was under threat. He was teetering over an abyss of uncertainty, dread, uncontrollable danger.
Juliette met his gaze with a level stare. ‘I know all about compromise. I’m the one who made all the adjustments, fitting into your life when we first got married. But I’m not prepared to compromise on this. It’s not fair to ask me to. If you loved me, you would understand how important this is for me.’
‘Then maybe I don’t love you.’
One side of Joe’s brain was shouting, What are you saying? The other was saying, You’re safe, for now.
She flinched as if he had slapped her and, right at that moment, he had never hated himself more. But wasn’t it better this way? He had always known on a cellular level he would not be enough for her. He wasn’t good for her. He had all but destroyed her life by getting involved with her in the first place.
The blame for so much suffering was at his door.
‘Then I think that’s all that needs to be said.’ Her voice was almost as calm and indifferent as his but he could see how much he had disappointed her. It was in every nuance of her face—the tight lips, the creased brow, the dullness of her grey-blue gaze as if a light had been turned off inside her. ‘I won’t be returning to Italy with you this afternoon. I’ll fly straight home to London.’
Home to London.
The words were vicious hammer blows to his heart. But he had no way of defending himself without bringing more pain and uncertainty into both of their lives.
Juliette turned away and began packing her things into her weekend bag.
Stop her. Stop her. Stop her. Tell her the truth. Tell her how you feel about her. Don’t let her leave like this.
But Joe did the opposite. He walked calmly, silently into the bathroom, and when he returned a few minutes later she was gone.
* * *
Later, Juliette could barely recall how she got to the airport and on a plane to London without displaying the devastation she felt. It was as if she had split herself into two people—one was calm and logical and rational, able to call a taxi, pay the driver and board a plane without a qualm. The other was a broken, shattered shell, limping through the steps to get her to somewhere safe where she could address her terrible wounds.
Joe didn’t want another child.
Joe didn’t love her.
He had never loved her.
She had fooled herself into believing otherwise. She had constructed a dream landscape where the pain of the past would fade into the background, not quite going away but no longer causing the distress it once had. A landscape where the birth of another baby would bind her and Joe in the joys of parenthood, their marriage thriving instead of dying. How could she have been so naïve? How could she have allowed herself to think they had a future when he was unable—unwilling—to love her?
Was there something wrong with her that she was destined to crave a love she couldn’t have?
Juliette had always doubted her parents’ love for her, seeing it as conditional rather than unconditional. She had thought Harvey, her ex, had loved her and had foolishly believed it when he’d said the words so often and so volubly. But that had also been a lie.
She huddled into her seat on the plane and looked listlessly out of the window at the clouds drifting by. Her heart ached as if an invisible corkscrew were driving through it on the way to her backbone.
So, it was finally over.
Her marriage to Joe Allegran
za was dead.
Unsalvageable.
Could there be anything crueller than to dangle hope in front of her and then snatch it away? Every kiss, every touch, every time they made love, she felt that he loved her. How could she have been so misguided? So fanciful? So deluded?
It was time now to move on and forge a new path for herself. A new future.
Juliette’s heart gave another painful spasm.
Without Joe...
* * *
Joe spent the first week after Juliette left throwing himself into work, largely helped by a bridge collapse in northern Spain. Fixing other people’s problems was the only way to distract himself from his own unfixable ones. But, as much as he found his work rewarding and challenging in equal measure, he began to realise it no longer filled the gaping chasm Juliette had left behind. His work was like temporary scaffolding holding up a compromised building.
He was the compromised building, constructed from materials that were now seriously out of date.
Stoicism, self-reliance, a fierce desire for control, emotional lockdown, an isolationist mind-set were no longer materials in a man’s life that worked, if indeed they ever had. They were destroying him like termites in the foundations, quietly, secretly, stealthily destabilising and destroying the man he had the potential to be.
But where to start to fix such deep-seated faults?
He knew exactly where—at the beginning.
* * *
Joe’s mother’s grave was sadly neglected and a deep sense of shame washed over him as he knelt down beside it and pulled out the weeds from around her plot. He placed the flowers he’d brought with him in the stone vase and sat back on his heels to read the words engraved on the marble headstone.
Giovanna Giulia Allegranza
A loving wife and mother
Missed for ever
The Return of Her Billionaire Husband Page 13
