He had no knowledge, no physical memory of his mother, and yet he sensed how much she must have loved him. He was touched that his father had insisted the word ‘mother’ was included on her headstone even though she hadn’t regained consciousness to hold Joe in her arms. Why hadn’t he noticed that before now? All those times his father had dragged him to the graveyard, Joe had stood sullenly to one side as his father tended the grave with tears pouring down his face. It had repulsed Joe, made him feel his father was weak and unable to control his emotions, that he had loved his wife too much.
Why had he adopted such toxic notions about manhood? Why had he denied himself for all these years the full breadth and depth of his humanity? The ability to feel and express deep emotion, the ability to willingly relinquish control over things that couldn’t be controlled in any case, to acknowledge his grief over the loss of his baby daughter.
And the deep and abiding love he felt for Juliette.
Why else was he struggling to make sense of his future without her? The emptiness she’d left behind could not be filled with work. No amount of work could ever do that. He loved her with a love so strong it seeped into every cell of his body like the pouring of concrete on a building site. His love was the solid, dependable, unshakable platform on which they could plan a future.
Joe stood from his mother’s grave and glanced at some of the other headstones nearby. There were numerous stories of love inscribed there. Old love, young love and everything in between. Life had no guarantees. You could be lucky to live to ninety. Some, like tiny Emilia, didn’t survive the nine months of pregnancy. Some didn’t survive childhood or middle age, and yet others lived long lives and still they were grieved. Grief had no age limit. It was a human response to loving someone. It didn’t matter how old they were—they were missed when they were gone.
Like he missed his baby daughter...
Pain gripped him in the chest and he blinked against the moisture at the back of his eyes. Could he do it? Could he visit that tiny grave and confront the raw grief that threatened to overwhelm him?
CHAPTER TWELVE
JULIETTE WAS IDLY sketching at her flat in London, her mind preoccupied with missing Joe. She hadn’t heard anything from him since she’d left him in Paris. Not that she’d expected to—they had both said all that needed to be said. But when the doorbell rang her heart leapt and her deadened hopes took a gasp of air.
She opened the door and her shoulders slumped on a sigh. ‘Oh...hi, Mum...’ Her tone was jaded and unwelcoming even though she was craving company. Any company to distract herself from her misery.
‘Have I come at a bad time?’ her mother, Claudia, asked.
Juliette forced a weak smile. ‘Of course not. I was just doing some drawing...’ She led the way into the kitchen, where she had set up her art materials.
Claudia glanced at the sketches. ‘So, you’re working again?’
‘Sort of.’ Juliette shuffled the papers into a neat pile. ‘I’m thinking about doing a children’s book on loss. I thought it might help when kids lose a parent or someone close to them. Or even a pet.’
‘That’s a wonderful idea,’ Claudia said, pulling out a chair to sit. She waited a beat before adding, ‘Did you get the divorce papers signed?’
Juliette hadn’t told her mother about the few days in Italy with Joe or the weekend in Paris, and realised now how awkward it was going to be to fill in the gaps.
She slid into the seat opposite. ‘Mum...for a time I was considering going back to him. We caught up at Lucy and Damon’s wedding and then I went to see him in Positano. I stayed for over a week and I really thought we had a chance to make things work. I found out his mother died having him. How tragic is that? I realised while I was there that I love him. I know this might sound a bit fanciful to someone as rational and logical as you, but I think I fell in love with him the moment I met him. And I want to have another baby but he’s adamantly against even discussing it. I can’t compromise on that. I know there’s no guarantee I won’t have another stillbirth but I want to try for another child.’
Claudia reached for Juliette’s hand and gave it a motherly squeeze. ‘Sweetie, falling in love like that doesn’t sound fanciful at all.’ She sighed and continued. ‘I might appear rational and logical to you, but I’m not always like that on the inside. I fell in love with your father in much the same way. It was so sudden and I always felt as if I had to prove myself to his parents—your grandparents—to justify him marrying me.’
‘Really? But I thought Nanna and Pop adored you.’
Claudia’s smile was rueful. ‘They did, eventually, but mostly because I did everything I could to please and impress them. My Masters and PhD? That was my way of showing them I was as intelligent and capable as their son. Worthy of him.’ Her expression faltered. ‘When I got pregnant with you, I had just enrolled in my PhD. I couldn’t bear the thought of dropping out and yet I was so torn about you. There were times when I hated leaving you with the nanny and other times when I couldn’t wait to get away so I could concentrate on my work. I couldn’t seem to win, no matter what I did. And, being an older mother, well, I just didn’t have the energy and drive I had with your brothers.’
‘Oh, Mum...’ Juliette stood and came around to give her mother a hug around the shoulders. ‘I think most mothers feel like they can’t win.’
Claudia turned in her chair and grasped Juliette’s hands. ‘I wish I could make you happy, sweetie. The last few months have been so tough on you. But, given what you told me just now about Joe, it’s been terribly tough on him too. He must have been beside himself the whole pregnancy. No wonder he doesn’t want to go through that again. He wouldn’t want to risk losing you.’
Juliette slipped her hands out of her mother’s hold. ‘He doesn’t love me, Mum. He told me he cares about me. That’s not enough. I want him to love me.’
Claudia frowned. ‘Sweetie, are you sure he doesn’t love you? One thing my long career in science has taught me is to look closely at the evidence. Examine every bit of data, check and double check and keep a rational perspective. Men aren’t always good at expressing their emotions. Sometimes they don’t even recognise what they’re feeling. Years of being taught to suppress how they feel makes it hard for them to open up when they need to.’
Could her mother be right? But why had Joe let her leave both times without asking her to stay? Why hadn’t he called or texted?
He’d left her stranded in a vacuum.
‘I don’t know...’ Juliette sighed. ‘I sometimes thought he loved me. He’s so generous and kind. But he hasn’t contacted me since I left him in Paris. Not even a text or phone call. If he cared about me, wouldn’t he want to contact me?’
‘We always expect people to respond to a situation the way we would respond, but each of us has their own way of doing things, their own framework or lens to view things through,’ Claudia said. ‘Joe strikes me as someone who takes his time to think about things before he acts. He’s just taking longer than you would like.’
‘But what if you’re wrong?’
Claudia gave a soft smile. ‘Look at the evidence, sweetie. It’s all you can go on for now.’
* * *
After her mother left, Juliette bought flowers from her local florist and drove to the graveyard where Emilia was interned in a small village outside London. It never got any easier and it was particularly difficult on cold wet days when the miserable sky above felt as if it was pressing down on Juliette with the sole intent to crush her. But the sun was out today and birds were twittering in the shrubs and gardens that fringed the cemetery. The roses were in full bloom and the rich clove and slightly peppery scent wafted on the gentle breeze.
Juliette walked towards her daughter’s grave but, as she got closer, something caught her eye. There was a new teddy bear with a pink tulle tutu sitting propped up next to the marble headstone. She bent down and read t
he card that was attached to the teddy bear.
To my darling Emilia
Love you for ever, mio piccolo
Rest in peace
Papà
It was Joe’s distinctive handwriting. The combination of English and Italian a touching tribute to their baby girl’s heritage. He’d been here. Recently. He had visited Emilia’s grave for the first time since her funeral.
He was here in England.
Juliette turned and scanned the graveyard for any sign of him but, apart from an older couple standing next to a grave several metres away, there was no one else here. Her shoulders slumped and she turned back to Emilia’s grave and set about placing the flowers in the vase. Just because he was in England didn’t mean he would seek her out.
What else could he say other than what he’d already said?
Then maybe I don’t love you.
How those words had tortured her, bruised her, destroyed her hopes like noxious poison sprayed on a delicate bloom.
Juliette drove back to her flat in London with a heavy heart. It was all very well for her scientifically trained mother to insist she look at the evidence, but how could she survive another rejection?
She turned the corner into her street and saw a tall figure standing at her front door. Her heart gave a leap, her pulse thudded, her hopes rose. She tried to play it cool by parking her car with casual ease, even though she felt like banging and crashing into the cars before and aft in her haste to get to Joe.
She walked towards him with her expression as blank as she could muster but she could do nothing about the way her heart was thumping. ‘Hello.’ How stiff and formal she sounded. As if she was addressing a cold caller or doorstep salesperson.
‘Can we talk inside?’ Joe’s tone was gruff, his expression guarded.
‘Okay.’ She unlocked her door and went in, conscious of his tall frame coming in behind her. The scent of his aftershave teasing her senses, her body reacting automatically. Wanting to touch him. Be held by him. Loved by him.
The door closed behind him and silence descended. A weighted silence.
‘I saw the teddy bear,’ Juliette said.
‘Yes, I went there this morning.’ He swallowed and continued in a fractured tone. ‘Cara, can you ever forgive me for how I’ve handled everything? I’m ashamed of how blind I’ve been to how I feel about you.’
Juliette took a steadying breath, not quite ready to let her hopes run free. ‘How do you feel about me?’
He smiled and took her hands in his. ‘My darling, I love you. I think I’ve loved you since the first night we met but I’ve been denying it, suppressing it or disguising it as something else. It was cruel of me to say I didn’t love you back in Paris. I can never forgive myself for that. But I was so threatened by your desire to have another child. It made me shut down in a blind sort of panic.’
Could she believe him? Could she risk further heartbreak if she was wrong about his motives for being here?
‘How do I know you mean it? You might be just saying it to get me to come back to you.’
His grip on her hands tightened as if he was worried she was going to pull away. ‘I deserve your scepticism. The way I blocked any discussion about having another child was a knee-jerk reaction, sure, but it was unspeakably cruel to send you away as if I cared nothing. I love you with every beat of my heart. I can’t imagine life without you by my side. It is no life without you. I’m a robot, a zombie like my father was when he lost my mother.’
‘You’re not just saying this because you want me back?’
‘I’m saying it because it’s true. I can’t be who I’m meant to be without you. I never thought there was such a thing as a soulmate but I’ve realised you don’t find a soulmate, you become one.’ He squeezed her hands. ‘I’ve become the man I want to be because of you. I didn’t know I was capable of such depth of feeling.’
‘Oh, Joe...’ She blinked back tears. ‘I’m so frightened I’m going to get hurt again. It was so hard losing both you and the baby.’
He brought one of her hands up to his mouth, his eyes holding hers in a tender lock. ‘You’re not going to lose me, cara. I will always be here for you, no matter what. I can’t guarantee we won’t lose another baby. No one can guarantee that, but what you can count on is this—I will be with you every step of whatever journey our lives take us on.’
Hope blossomed in her chest. ‘So, are you saying you’d consider having another baby?’
He brought her closer, his eyes dark and tender, so full of love it made her heart turn over. ‘I’ll probably be a nervous wreck throughout your pregnancy, but it will be worth it if we are so lucky as to be blessed with a child. The thought of losing you like my father lost my mother haunts me. It haunted me from the start but when I visited my mother’s grave the other day—’
‘You visited her grave as well?’
Joe gave a rueful smile. ‘It was long overdue but, yes, I did. It was strange. I didn’t see it in the same way as I had as a teenager. I saw all those other graves—lives well lived, others cut tragically short—and I realised no one can guarantee you won’t experience grief at some stage. Having another child will test me in ways I don’t want to be tested. But it’s part of being human to experience grief sooner or later. And being human, fully human, means being able to give and receive and openly express love.’
He stroked her face and looked deeply into her eyes.
‘I love you so much. I can’t bear the thought of spending however much time I have left on this planet without you by my side. I have already wasted too much of it without you. Come back to me, tesoro mio. Please?’
Juliette blinked back tears and flung her arms around his neck. ‘I never want to be apart from you again. I love you. I’ve been so sad without you. So miserable and empty and lonely. But we can take our time having another baby. We don’t have to rush into it.’
‘We will try for another baby after we renew our wedding vows.’
Juliette blinked. ‘You really want to do that?’
He grinned. ‘Of course. We can even get Damon’s cousin Celeste to organise it. It will be a celebration like no other. I’ll give her carte blanche.’
Juliette gave a soft laugh. ‘You don’t have to do that. The simplest ceremony will do me. All I need to hear is you say the words and mean them.’
‘I will love and honour and protect you until I take my last breath.’ He brought his mouth down to hers in a lingering kiss that contained hope and love and healing. He drew back to gaze down at her once more. ‘You have made me happier than I ever thought I could possibly be. I will always feel sad about our baby girl. Always—but that doesn’t mean we can’t build a wonderful life together. We will support each other during the bad times and celebrate the good ones.’
Juliette hugged him tightly, so full of love and joy it was hard to get her voice to work. ‘I can’t believe you actually love me. I still think I’m dreaming. That I will wake up and you won’t be holding me like this—that I’ll be alone again.’
Joe leaned down to kiss the tip of her nose. ‘You’re not dreaming, cara mio. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone the way I love you. But if you need any more evidence...’ He brought his mouth down to hers, his sexy smile sending a tickly sensation down her spine.
Juliette smiled and stood on tiptoe to meet his lips. ‘I’m a big fan of evidence.’
EPILOGUE
April the fifth, the following year...
JOE CRADLED HIS newborn son in his arms and looked down at his beautiful but somewhat exhausted wife. After a mostly trouble-free pregnancy, Juliette had gone into labour the night before his birthday, and at ten minutes past midnight Alessandro Guiseppe Allegranza had been born.
‘Isn’t he gorgeous?’ Juliette said, a dreamy expression on her face.
Joe rocked the little bundle
in his arms, his heart feeling as if it was going to explode with love. ‘He’s amazing, like his mother.’
He stroked a careful finger over the minuscule face—the tiny button nose, the twin wisps of dark eyebrows, the soft downy black hair. It was a miracle to hold new life in his arms. A new life that repaired some of the pain of his own birth that had taken his mother from him. A new life that would help them move on from the loss of their first baby, Emilia. Not as a replacement—no child could ever be that—but as a new chance to experience all the joys and challenges of parenthood.
‘Happy birthday, darling,’ Juliette said, beaming.
Joe smiled so widely he thought his face would crack. ‘I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday present.’ He looked down into his baby son’s face. ‘And you, little guy, couldn’t have asked for a better mother.’
* * *
Head over heels for The Return of Her Billionaire Husband? You’ll love these other stories by Melanie Milburne!
The Venetian One-Night Baby
Penniless Virgin to Sicilian’s Bride
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Available now!
Keep reading for an excerpt from The Scandal Behind the Italian’s Wedding by Millie Adams.
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The Scandal Behind the Italian’s Wedding
by Millie Adams
CHAPTER ONE
IT WAS RUMORED that Dante Fiori could condemn a man to any level of hell he chose with the mere lift of his brow.
The Return of Her Billionaire Husband Page 14
