Against Her Will

by Nicole Sturgill

  But she wasn’t really living. And she felt sorry for the boy who lived with half a mother.

  It was as if she were simply going through the motions of day to day life. She managed all the paperwork and calendars for the plantation, but she did none of the interviews for hirings, nor did she work with the men in the fields. And she attended none of the social events that other society members took part in.

  The thought of being in those crowds of people she did not know--of being bumped, jostled and touched by random strangers, of having men looking at her from every corner and shadow, it terrified her. The fears weren’t rational. There was not a bad man hiding behind every corner nor was every man simply waiting for the moment to throw her down and violate her, but still Temperance feared just that.

  It was a fear she had not been able to overcome.

  Add to that the fear of losing those she loved and Temperance had turned her heart off to everyone but her son. Wilma, Felix, Sophia, Sarah and Millie had given up on attempting conversations with her and the men that worked outside knew better than to step foot in the house or look in her direction.

  Temperance wasn’t proud of who she was. An emotionless, fearful, and weak woman was not what she had imagined she would someday become but if she wasn’t fearful someone else would get her and if she let herself love and care about people they would be gone and strength? Strength was a folly. She had tried being strong and it had nearly cost her her life and had taken Tanner away…

  But Tanner was back.

  And as terrified as Temperance was that the man would hate her for turning her back on him, she couldn’t help, but to have noticed that when he had looked at her, when she had looked into his eyes, she had felt more safety and peace then she had felt in five long years without him…

  What exactly did that mean?

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Temperance knew that she had to leave her room. She had left Tanner alone with Jackson and the thought of what that must make Tanner feel overwhelmed her.

  Did he see his brother when he looked in the boy’s eyes? And if he did, what did those memories of his brother make him feel? Did he feel guilt? Pain?

  Temperance hoped not. She didn’t want him feeling that kind of guilt. Jackson was so much better off than he would have been if Trevor had been allowed to live. Truthfully, Jackson probably would have never been born, Trevor would have beaten Temperance and killed the babe before it had ever breathed its first breath.

  Truth was that most people whispered, talked and gossiped about the possibility that Jackson was in reality Tanner’s child. Jackson looked more like Tanner than he did Trevor and Temperance never corrected anyone when she heard the rumors. She only wished that those rumors could be reality.

  Temperance stepped outside and headed toward the pony barn. Maternal instinct told her that’s where her son would be showing off his pride and joy to a new set of eyes.

  She entered the barn and her eyes adjusted to the dark quickly. Jackson was standing on the middle rung of his pony’s stable gate and Tanner stood beside him with one large hand on Jackson’s low back as if to keep him from falling.

  The scene was surreal. Dust motes floated gracefully in the sunlight streaming through the windows as the two of them stood side by side with their backs to her. Then, as if he knew she was there, Tanner turned slowly and his eyes met hers. Quickly, Temperance averted her gaze. She no longer looked people in the eye.

  “He loves showing off that pony,” Temperance stated awkwardly, desperate to end the oppressive and overwhelming silence.

  Jackson hopped off the gate and ran to her with a bright smile splitting his freckled face. “Mommy!” he exclaimed.

  His little arms wrapped around her and Temperance wrapped one of her own arms around him. “I’m sure Tanner is quite tired, Jackson. Why don’t you go let Wilma know he is here and help her prepare him a room?”

  “Okay, mommy. If I do, can I ride Storm?”

  “We’ll see,” Temperance replied, ruffling his hair. She wished she could give him a smile, but it simply wouldn’t come, not with Tanner standing so close and watching so intently.

  Jackson nodded, threw Tanner a smile, and then took off out of the barn and into the sunlight.

  Silence fell once he was gone. Temperance stared at Tanner’s boots and she could feel his eyes burning holes into her. Uneasiness gnawed at her gut and yet for some reason that fear that normally overwhelmed her when she found herself alone with a man did not come.

  Regardless of the years that had passed and the ways life had changed she knew that this man would not hurt her… This was Tanner.

  “How are you here?” she finally managed to whisper.

  “Are you asking me or my feet?” Tanner asked quietly.

  Temperance moved her gaze up to his face. He was so handsome and appeared so strong. A firm jaw covered in stubble, soulful blue gray eyes and thick dark blond hair that seemed to have just been cut. He was no longer pale, thin, nor near death in appearance. He appeared healthy and well rested, it seemed a terrible thing to think, but it seemed that prison had been good to him.

  Ten feet separated their bodies and Temperance longed to close the distance and simply be near him. Being near him had always made her feel safer somehow. So long ago, she had let Tanner become her safe place and she longed to let him be that once again…

  But that wouldn’t be fair to him. Not after everything she had already cost him.

  “Temp, are you afraid of me?”

  “No,” Temperance replied honestly.

  “Good.” Tanner tipped his head. “I’m sorry I surprised you… I guess I shouldn’t have. Patrick Starr worked hard and got my sentence reduced.”

  “There should never have been a sentence,” Temperance stated as she crossed her arms over her chest and swallowed back emotion.

  “Does that boy know who his father is and what happened to him?” Tanner asked quite unexpectedly.

  Temperance averted her gaze once again and walked to her favorite mare, a dapple gray with blue eyes that she had named Misty. “Of course he doesn’t. He is only four and so far hasn’t asked any questions.”

  Silence once again reigned as Temperance patted the mare on the neck and kept her back to Tanner. She heard his boots scuffle across the floor and tensed just before his hand landed gently upon her shoulder. “He’s a good boy, Temperance. You’ve done a good job with him.”

  “I wish I could do better,” Temperance admitted, letting out a shuddering breath. “He deserves a mother who can laugh and be lighthearted with him…”

  “He loves you and it’s clear you’ve given him love. And you can be those other things, Temp.”

  Hearing that nickname spoken in that warm voice was like a balm to Temperance’s battered soul. But, she hardened herself against that comfort and shook her head as she pulled away from him. She walked several steps and swiped at her face with the back of her hand before squaring her shoulders, raising her chin and turned back to face him. “No, I can’t. Those things were taken from me a long time ago.”

  Tanner’s blue gray eyes were full of so much sadness as he gazed at her that Temperance found herself swallowing hard against the pain it caused. “You can’t do that, Temp. You can’t let those men win, don’t let them destroy you…”

  “It’s much too late for that, Tanner.” Temperance had to get away from him. The vast barn was suddenly too small and there was not enough air to breathe or room to move.

  Temperance backed toward the door and held her hand up when Tanner attempted to step toward her. “I have work to do, I’m sorry…” she mumbled quickly. She managed to meet his gaze again and tipped her head. “Welcome home, Tanner,” she added before turning and dashing away as quickly as she could without running.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Tanner stood at the base of the porch steps and stared at the place his brother had died.

  He needed to go inside, put his meager sack of belonging
s into a room, and get some food in his rumbling gut. He needed to find Temperance and do something, anything, to help with that pain he had seen in her eyes.

  There were a hundred things that Tanner needed to do.

  But, all he found himself doing was staring at the damned spot on that damned porch.

  He couldn’t bring himself to walk across it.

  So, Tanner shouldered his pack and walked around to the kitchen entrance. He stepped inside and Wilma instantly glanced up from the pot she was stirring. A wide smile spread across her dark face and she lifted her skirts and ran to him.

  Tanner caught her in his arms as she hugged him tight. “Thank the Lord for you, Tanner Montgomery! Ya saved each and every one of us, child, and nothin’ we do could ever repay ya.”

  Tanner held her and cleared his throat awkwardly. “I just did what anyone decent would have done,” he mumbled.

  Wilma pulled away and dabbed at her tear streaked face with her apron. “You look fit and healthy.”

  “Prison wasn’t so bad,” he admitted. “The food didn’t taste all that great, but there was plenty of it and there was plenty of work to be done that kept a man strong. I’ve lived in worse places.”

  “Sit down, Tanner, you must be tired,” Wilma urged as she pointed toward the table in the corner. “Unless you’d rather eat in the dinin’ room or your bedroom,” she added quickly.

  “Naw, in here is fine.” Tanner sat down and it wasn’t until his backside hit the chair that he realized how tired he truly was. A steaming bowl of stew and a plate of bread were sat in front of him and his growling stomach echoed through the kitchen.

  “Eat up,” Wilma urged with a smile.

  Tanner began to eat and Wilma sat down across from him. She folded her hands in her lap and frowned. “Why on earth did ya stop seein’ Felix?” she demanded. “And ya stopped acceptin’ the care packages we sent as well.”

  Tanner sighed. He should have known there was a reason for the kindness. Wilma had wanted to trick him into letting all his guards down so she could pounce. He raised his brow at the woman who had been here for as long as he could remember and rubbed at his neck.

  “It hurt too bad, Wilma,” he admitted, too wore out to lie. “Knowing that she didn’t want me…” Tanner paused and looked down into his bowl. “I didn’t want to think of this plantation or the people here any longer.”

  “But you came back,” Wilma reached across the table and covered his hand with hers. “You’re here now. What changed your mind?”

  “Once I gained my freedom I had to see her one last time. Even if what I found was a happy woman with a good husband and a life she loved, I had to know. I just had to see for myself and then I planned on leaving for good.”

  “And now that ya know the truth?” Wilma inquired.

  “I’m staying,” Tanner vowed. “However long it takes to help that woman heal, I’m staying.”

  Wilma gave him a sad smile and stood from the table, “I’m afraid ya might be hopin’ for too much, Tanner.”

  “Why’s that? You don’t think she deserves to be happy?” Tanner demanded calmly.

  “Of course I do. But the woman won’t let herself heal, child.” Wilma went to the oven and pulled out a second tray of bread. “It’s been a long while since I, Felix, Millie, Sarah, or Sophia have had real conversations with her. She shut out the whole world except for that boy.”

  Tanner stared down into his bowl and shook his head. He looked at Wilma and met the woman’s gaze. “Well I won’t let her shut me out, Wilma. I don’t understand what went through her head when she shut me out five years ago, but I’m not just a pen and ink now. I’m flesh and blood and she’ll have a harder time getting me to leave her be.”

  “You can’t force her to heal, Tanner. She has to want to,” Wilma warned.

  “Wilma, I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve walked through the blazing flames of Satan himself and been dragged through the ashes. I know pain and I know how it feels to be completely dead inside. That woman is all that made me feel alive again five years ago and I won’t… I can’t… walk away and let her die inside too.”

  “Tanner, she may never be able to give you what other women could. There may always be a part of her heart, her soul, her body, that remains locked…”

  Tanner nodded. “I understand that,” he assured her. “I don’t care about what she can give to me, Wilma. All I care about is what I can give to her.”

  A tear slipped down Wilma’s cheek, “You are such a good man, Tanner. You are your mother’s son.”

  Tanner shook his head. “Temperance deserves to live, Wilma. I love that woman and I intend to do whatever it takes to give her - her happiness back.”

  Wilma walked to him and hugged his neck. “God bless you, Tanner Montgomery. God bless you.”

  Wilma left the kitchen then to see to some other chores but Tanner wasn’t left alone to eat for long before Felix came strolling in. It was clear the man had known Tanner was in the room and Tanner had a suspicion that Wilma’s chore list had included rushing off to tell Felix where to corner him.

  “I wish I could say I was mad at you,” Felix grumbled, sitting down across from Tanner at the table. “A two day trip by train that I made six months in a row just to see you and you refused to see me each time.”

  “You quit coming,” Tanner reminded him.

  Felix scoffed. “You only have to kick an old hound so many times before he gives up on getting his head scratched.”

  Tanner chuckled quietly and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Felix. I lost myself for a while.”

  “Well are ya back now? Because I don’t need the pain of losing ya again. I know that most of the time we’ve known each other your family has owned me but…”

  “Don’t say that,” Tanner shook his head. “You know good and well that I never saw you as property, Felix. You, or any other slave that was ever employed here. Human’s are human’s, old man, not farm equipment.”

  A bright smile split the man’s deeply lined face. “And that’s why you’ve always been my favorite of your family.”

  “Well considering the type of people most of my family were, it wasn’t really hard to be the white sheep.”

  Felix stood up and went about ladling himself a bowl of stew “Your life’s been hard, Tanner. Are ya finally gonna see about staying home and gainin’ some stability?”

  “Yes, sir,” Tanner nodded and pushed his empty bowl aside. “I don’t plan on leaving again. Things sure have changed around here, though. A smaller staff, less crops, and more horses.”

  “Yeah,” Felix nodded and clicked his tongue. “Temperance wants to continue growing crops, but she also wanted us to have something else to provide money and it seems she has a fondness for horses. She doesn’t much care about race horses which is where the bigger money is, however, she says she wants to raise good working horses. And no horse is allowed to be sold to a family unless it’s gentle as a kitten and strong enough to plow ten fields.”

  “Really?” Tanner was surprised. He hadn’t realized Temperance enjoyed horses, then again he didn’t truly know much about her or her life before this plantation.

  “Oh yes,” Felix sat back down with a steaming bowl of stew. “She’s a good judge of horseflesh. I believe she trusts them more than she does people.”

  “And did Jackson inherit that good judgment from his mother?”

  Felix’s dark eyes filled with guilt and he dropped his gaze to the tabletop. “I should have told you about the boy, Tanner.”

  “Why didn’t you?” Tanner questioned quietly.

  “Because, Temperance told me not to,” Felix replied simply. “I don’t know exactly what was on the woman’s mind when she made that choice.”

  Tanner rubbed at his face and nodded. “Well I’m here now and I intend to stay.”

  “Good. That boy needs a father…” Felix’s eyes sparkled with amusement when Tanner began to cough loudly. “You alright?”

&nbs
p; Tanner stood up and shouldered his pack. “I reckon,” he grumbled. “Now I’m gonna head on upstairs and see about that room.”

  Tanner left the room with Felix chuckling at the table.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Temperance feigned a headache and spent dinner in her room. At Jackson’s bedtime, she slipped down the hall and read him his story before singing him a lullaby and tucking him into bed.

  “Mommy?” he whispered sleepily from beneath his covers.

  “What, sweetheart?” Temperance asked gently.

  “I like Tanner. Does he live here now?”

  Temperance nodded. “Yes, he does.” She kissed his brow. “Now turn that mind off and get some rest. I’m sure that when you wake up in the morning it will be full of ten thousand more questions.”

  Jackson smiled and Temperance smiled back before standing and turning out the lamp. She gazed at him a moment longer before finally slipping back out the door and closing it behind her.

  Temperance leaned against the door and let out a long breath. She had to talk to Tanner. They had to discuss whether or not he intended to stay and what exactly they were going to tell Jackson about him. Temperance knew the boy would have to hear the whole truth one day but it wasn’t going to be now--he wasn’t nearly old enough to comprehend or understand the horrors of the reality.

  Temperance was afraid to talk to Tanner. She wasn’t afraid of the man himself but rather she was frightened very nearly to death of the way he made her feel. He had been gone for so long and she had truly resigned herself to never seeing him again. It would have been better that way, or at least that’s what she told herself.

  Temperance would have been better off never seeing Tanner again. She was broken and no matter how badly he made her want to put those pieces back together, Temperance knew it would never happen.

  She would never again be that girl with a heart full of hope and wide eyes that were naive to all the dangers that lived in this world. Yancy, Trevor and every man in between had thoroughly done away with that girl.