***
Temperance’s eyes flew open and she sat up quickly. Darkness was still heavy and thick around her. She saw Jackson sleeping soundly and wondered what had startled her awake so quickly.
With her hand resting over her heart, Temperance glanced at Tanner and suddenly knew. He was gripping his blankets and his body was thrashing. Suddenly, his groans filled the air. He seemed to be in pain and he was whimpering and begging for mercy.
Temperance crawled toward him and reached out a trembling hand. She laid it against his brow and whispered his name. He didn’t seem to hear her and he was covered in sweat as he fought and struggled against something that Temperance couldn’t see. Temperance knew she had to wake him up. Nightmares were a terrible thing--she knew because she had them often.
“Tanner,” Temperance put her hand on his shoulder and gave him a shake. “Tanner, wake up.”
His eyes flew open and they were shining with confusion as he reached out and grabbed her arm roughly. Temperance felt her heart pound and she fought to control her breathing as that familiar fear roared to life inside of her. Then Tanner’s eyes softened as did his grip on her.
“Temp… I love you,” he whispered. His voice was groggy and distant. Temperance had a feeling he was now sleeping with his eyes open.
“You’re having a bad dream, Tanner,” Temperance insisted.
He shook his head. “I was. Now it’s a good one.”
Temperance resisted a moment, but then found herself giving in when Tanner pulled her body close to him. She closed her eyes tight and waited for him to push her… waited for him to make a move that would cause her to scream, cry, and beg for him to let her go…
But it didn’t happen.
Instead, Tanner pulled her body against him, wrapped his arms warmly around her, rested his chin on her head, and in moments his gentle snores were filling the night.
Temperance was stiff for a long while. She couldn’t come to terms with her own emotions and feelings. While there was that part of her mind, that part that had been beaten, raped, and convinced that no man could be caring in bed, there was another part that found lying in Tanner’s arms this way to be the best sensation she had ever felt outside of holding her son for the first time.
Tanner’s arms around her made her feel safe and loved. She felt protected and cherished.
But still she waited for that other shoe to drop. Didn’t all men only want one thing from a woman? Despite Tanner’s assurances that he would never force her to do anything, Temperance couldn’t shake the feeling that those had been only words.
Her eyes refused to close and her heart remained on edge as the night wore on and morning approached. It wasn’t until dawn began to turn the sky purple that Temperance felt her body relax. She relaxed into the arms of the man she loved and he sighed against her. Temperance was safe. She was safe, protected, and loved with Tanner and she hadn’t fully accepted that fact until just now.
With a smile curving her lips, Temperance closed her eyes and let sleep claim her tired body.
Chapter Forty-One
“Mommy, Daddy, wake up!”
Tanner’s mind snapped to alertness. First thing, he noticed was that Temperance was lying wrapped up in his arms and it was the best damn feeling he’d had… Ever.
The next thing he noticed was that Jackson was coming for them and it was clear the boy intended to pounce on them with those bony knees of his.
Tanner shifted his body, putting himself nearly completely on top of Temperance in order to shield her from Jackson. He moved just in the nick of time as Jackson’s knees dug into his back. Tanner winced at the pain and was grateful he’d protected Temperance from it.
Jackson laughed loudly and wrapped his arms around Tanner’s neck. “I’ve got you!” he exclaimed.
Tanner laughed at his son’s antics, but then stopped when he felt Temperance’s body struggling beneath him. “Get off!!” she screamed as she kicked, bucked, and clawed at him.
Tanner scrambled off of her and quickly stood up, pulling Jackson off his neck and setting the boy on his feet. “What’s wrong, mommy?” Jackson whispered as Temperance scooted away from them on the balcony, pulled her knees into her chest, and buried her face in her skirt.
“She’ll be okay, Jackson.” Tanner assured him gently. “We startled her is all.”
“I’m sorry, mommy,” Jackson laid his hand on Temperance’s leg and she cried out and jerked away from him without ever raising her head.
Jackson looked up at Tanner with tears in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to scare her,” he whimpered.
Tanner offered the boy the most comforting smile he could muster. “Why don’t you go on down and see if Wilma has breakfast cooking? I’ll take care of your mommy and we’ll be down in a bit, okay?”
“Okay…” Jackson bit his lip. “Are you mad at me?”
Tanner ruffled his hair, “Of course not. We just have to be careful not to wake your mommy up quite so suddenly from now on, okay?”
Jackson nodded. “Okay.”
He turned and ran off into the house. Tanner turned his attention to Temperance. She was sitting on her backside with her head buried in her knees as she rocked back and forth. His heart ached for her and his blood boiled to know that she had been reduced to this by his own flesh and blood… His brother had done this to her, him and men like him. Tanner hated them all.
“Temperance,” he whispered gently as he stepped forward and crouched to her level. “Temp, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you. I saw him coming and didn’t want you to take one of those knees to the face…”
She didn’t respond and Tanner sighed. He sat down cross-legged on the stone and folded his hands in his lap. He wasn’t sure what to say or what to do so he simply sat there.
The morning was warm, balmy, and mist covered everything in sight. He could hear the men working around in the barns already. The chickens were clucking around, the pigs were snorting, and the cows were mooing in the barn ready to be milked. Tanner had no idea how much time passed before he felt eyes on him and turned to see Temperance staring at him with tears in her green eyes. “Hey there, beautiful,” he greeted gently. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry…” she began, but Tanner shook his head.
“You have nothing to apologize for. I shouldn’t have laid over you like that. I honestly didn’t even think about what I was doing. I saw him coming and I know how bad those knees hurt… I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
Temperance sniffed and her green eyes became haunted, “I was so peaceful sleeping in your arms, but then I felt you on top of me and felt myself being held down and all I could see… all I could feel… was him…”
Her body began to shake and Tanner wanted desperately to take her in his arms and comfort her, but he didn’t want to scare her any more than he already had. He felt a million times a fool for not realizing what his actions this morning would do to her.
“Temp, I love you. I’m sorry I scared you, sweetheart. I want to help you, but I’m not sure what to do. Tell me what you need…”
Temperance shook her head and stared at his chest. “To be alone for a while, I need to be alone for a while.”
Tanner’s heart broke. “Temp, I don’t want to leave you alone like this. I’ll just sit here real quiet and…”
“Tanner!” Temperance snapped. “You asked me what I needed and I told you. Now, please, go.”
Tanner stood up slowly. “You’re sure that’s what you want? You don’t want me to stay up here with you?”
Temperance bit her lip and nodded, her gaze going out over the misty fields. “I’m sure.”
It was one of the hardest things Tanner had ever done, walking away from her in that moment. His boots felt as if they weighed one hundred pounds a piece as he dragged his feet back inside and then out of the bedroom and down the hall.
He had thought that they were making progress. He had thought that she was going to start letting him
. But this morning it was clear that wall was once again up around her and between them.
He wondered how she had ended up in his arms to begin with. Hell all he remembered was having those familiar nightmares of the prison camp and suddenly having them turn into dreams of him and Temperance… of her soft body against his and him finally being able to wrap his arms around her and simply hold her…
Apparently, that dream hadn’t been a dream. She truly had been in his arms and he had been holding her and it had felt quite a bit like he imagined heaven would.
But now, she was distant and cold once again, it was tearing Tanner up inside. He only wanted to help her. To heal her. To see her become the vibrant woman that he knew was in there--the woman that had been trapped away by Trevor and men like him. While Tanner didn’t know the details about her time with Yancy, he was smart enough to figure out what ‘teaching me to be a good wife’ meant.
Tanner stepped into the kitchen to find his son sitting at the table looking sad and confused. “Is my mommy okay?” he asked the moment he noticed Tanner.
“She’ll be just fine,” Tanner assured the boy. “Eat your breakfast so we can go out and practice with that pony. Georgia State Fair is in four short months and we gotta train for it if you’re gonna be like the boy in that story.”
Jackson’s green eyes lit up and he quickly began to inhale his breakfast. Wilma pulled Tanner aside with a frown. “What’s wrong with Temperance?” she whispered lowly so Jackson wouldn’t hear. “I thought she was doing so well yesterday.”
“She was,” Tanner agreed. “But we had a setback this morning and it was my fault.”
Wilma’s face fell. “Oh…”
Tanner smiled reassuringly. “I knew this wouldn’t be easy or fast, Wilma. I told you already that I’m here for the long haul and I’m going to move at her speed. She needs a bit of space this morning so we’re going to give that to her.”
“What happened?” Wilma inquired.
Tanner shook his head. “I won’t go into it. If she wants to open up and share it with you then she can, but I can’t betray her trust like that, Wilma. I’m sure you understand.”
Wilma seemed a bit annoyed by his announcement, but that annoyance didn’t last long. She sighed and nodded. “Of course. At least we all got to see her smile again. It had been far too long.”
“Yes,” Tanner shoved his hand through his hair. “Yes it had.”
Quiet settled momentarily over the kitchen, but it was quickly dashed when, Silas, one of the ranch hands came barreling into the kitchen through the side door, “Tanner! Damn glad I found you!” he exclaimed, his brown eyes shining and his body tense.
“What’s going on?” Tanner demanded, his body and senses instantly going on high alert.
Silas glanced at Jackson who was watching them with curiosity. He pulled Tanner to the side and put his mouth to his ear. “It’s Temperance,” he whispered. “She’s up on the third floor on the balcony to her room and she’s standing on the ledge… I think she’s gonna jump.”
Tanner’s entire body froze for a split second and the world stopped turning completely. Then, without a word or an explanation to Wilma and Jackson, he took off running as quickly as his legs could carry him and prayed he’d reach Temperance in time.
Chapter Forty-Two
Tanner slowed down his pace as he entered Temperance’s room and saw her standing on the balcony ledge and looking down at the ground below. Far enough below that if she jumped, or fell, he’d lose her forever.
He didn’t want to surprise her and cause her to trip so he stayed in the bedroom and said her name to get her attention.
“Go away, Tanner,” she whispered. Her voice was hoarse and thick and it was clear that she’d been crying.
He never should have left her this morning. Damn, why did he keep making mistakes?! “I’m not going away, Temp, so you’re wasting time asking me to.”
“Tanner, please…” Temperance’s voice was broken and full of pain and guilt. “I’m broken! Stop trying to fix me! Just give up!”
“I’ll never give up on you, Temp. You’re wasting your breath telling me to.” Tanner was working very hard to stay calm. He had seen suicidal people before. He had watched men take their lives and been helpless to stop them. He didn’t want to watch Temperance die. He couldn’t watch Temperance die. He had to talk her off that ledge and into his arms.
“Tanner, why are you making this hard?”
“I’m not making anything hard, sweetheart,” Tanner assured her gently as he walked closer and stepped out into the morning sun.
“Don’t come closer,” she warned and he stopped in his tracks.
“Temperance, you can’t jump off that ledge and you know that. You need to step down now before Jackson sees you.”
“Jackson will be fine without me, Tanner… he’d be better off without me. You can laugh with him and play. I have never been able to give him those things.”
Tanner’s heart broke. “You can though, Temp. You did just yesterday.”
“Yesterday I thought I could too…” Temperance glanced over her shoulder at him and he took in the sight of her blotchy cheeks and tear swollen eyes. “But this morning…”
“This morning was my fault, Temp. Come on down now. I’m here for you, sweetheart. You have to let this hurt out so come on down and we’ll sit together and I’ll just listen to whatever you have to say. I won’t talk… I won’t try to fix you, as you call it. I’ll just listen and be there.”
“Tanner…”
Tanner heard the smallest hint of uncertainty in her voice and he knew that she didn’t really want to jump and that gave him all the hope he needed. If she didn’t want to jump then he had to believe that she wouldn’t.
“Temperance, don’t do this to me. Don’t make me watch the woman I love die. Don’t do this to Jackson. Don’t take his mother away from him. That boy loves you, he worships the ground you walk on. You are a strong woman. Too strong to do something like jump off a balcony and end your own life. Fight this, sweetheart. Come on down here to me.”
“Don’t try to make me feel guilty, Tanner. Everyone would be better off without me. You can give Jackson a better life and there is bound to be a woman who can give you more than I can…”
“Horse shit!” Tanner snapped.
He’d had enough. He lunged forward without giving her time to react and scooped her off the ledge and into his arms. She stiffened and struggled desperately against him, but he carried her over to the doorway, sat down cross legged and held her tight in his lap, refusing to let her go.
“Stop fighting me!” Tanner grunted when her fist connected with his temple. “You know I‘m not going to hurt you. I’m not those men that hurt you, Temperance.”
Her fighting stilled, but Tanner could still feel the tension in her body and there was more that he wanted to say. “You don’t get to do that, Temperance!” he scolded as gently as his temper would allow. “You don’t get to make that decision for the people who love you! We damn sure don’t believe that we’d be better off without you. I love you, scars and all. Hell, I’m a messed up piece of work myself.”
Tanner snorted and shifted his hold on her though she kept her face buried in his chest. “I shot my damn brother in the back and I can’t bring myself to walk across that porch where he died, I can’t even look at that spot without having flashbacks and losing myself. I can’t sleep under a roof because I have dreams that the walls are closing in. I can’t go a full night and sleep peaceful because I see things I don’t want to see. I see the starving men, the sickness, and the disease. I hear the gunfire and cannons. I feel the whips, the chains, and the hopelessness. I know what it feels like to want to die, to wish for it so damn bad that your heart aches. You’re not the only one who’s been through hell, Temp, and I can’t make it back out without you. You are my dream, Temp. You are everything I ever wanted and all I need. And that boy downstairs, he loves you with all his heart. You can’t just s
kip out on him like that. You remember what it was like to lose your mother; do you really want to do that to him?”
Silence reigned for several long moments and then Temperance’s body seemed to deflate. The tension left it in a rush and she clung to Tanner as her hot tears soaked through his shirt. Tanner held her gently and buried his face in her hair, breathing in her scent and reassuring himself that she was safe and alive. “You gotta quit living like this, Temp,” Tanner’s voice was softer now and much more soothing.
“I want to heal,” Temperance whispered, her voice hoarse from her tears. “I want to feel that sense of peace I felt in your arms last night…”
“Then feel it,” Tanner urged as he kissed her soft red curls. “Close your eyes and listen to my heartbeat, feel my arms around you, and know that you are being held by the man who loves you, the man who would take on the world just to see you smile.”
Silence once again fell between them. Tanner did as he had said he would and simply held her. He didn’t care if they sat like this all day and into tomorrow, he was going to hold her as long as she needed.
“Robert, the man who told me about my father and brothers, the one who brought the sickness to our house, I fancied myself in love with him.” Tanner was surprised when Temperance spoke and he almost replied, but then remembered his promise to simply listen and closed his mouth. “I was young and naive and somehow believed that God had sent Robert to me. I believed he would help me, my mother, and my sisters and that we would one day marry and be happy. They were simply the daydreams of a child. I watched him die. I tried to nurse him to health, but I couldn’t. I fell asleep with my head on his heart and when I awoke, there was silence beneath my ear. At that exact moment, my youngest sister came into the house with a terrible cough and I knew, God took everyone of them away from me, but left me alive. I read Robert’s journal after that. He had kept it while in the war and the last entry spoke of me. Of how he wanted to properly court me and he said such nice things about me… We were both foolish.”
Against Her Will Page 19
