Temperance chewed her lip a moment before continuing. “Yancy came shortly after I buried my family and Robert. I shouldn’t have trusted him, but he pretended to have been a Union soldier after seeing Robert’s coat that I had kept. I was so lonely and it was my birthday and he seemed so nice. We even ate cake together… then nighttime came and I agreed to let him sleep on the sofa. I just wanted a friend. I wanted someone living and breathing to be around me after having had so much death. I was foolish. He came into my room that night and he took me away from my home… We went to a house where he lived with two other men.”
Temperance wiped at her face and rested her heart against his heart. “I didn’t truly understand what they meant when they said they were going to teach me… But I knew it was something bad. Then… The first time… it was one of his men and he…” Temperance’s voice broke and she took a deep shuddering breath.
Tanner wanted to scream, yell, curse the world, shoot something, or stab something, he wanted to do anything to release the anger that her words were causing to roar to life inside of him. He wanted to somehow tip the scales of justice and do away with the bad that had been done to her. But instead, he breathed deeply and simply listened.
“He hit me so I’d behave and he shoved himself in my mouth. I couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t seem to care… when he finished, I threw up and he laughed at me and then he just left as if nothing had happened. Yancy came the next day and I tried to fight him… I fought and then I bit him and he beat me so badly that I could barely take a breath for days. I stopped fighting. Fighting meant pain worse than I’d ever imagined possible. They never took my innocence; they just killed everything innocent inside of me.”
Temperance paused and picked at the buttons of Tanner’s chambray shirt. He brought up his hand and gently entwined his fingers with hers, grateful when she didn’t pull away.
“Everyday they came, more than once most days. Then came the day Yancy said I was ready to find a husband. He said he was going to fatten me up a bit, stop with the beatings to heal the bruises and take me to market. I was so naïve. So hopeful that a husband would care about me, that he would love me the way I’d seen my father love my mother. I was sure that a husband never hurt his wife…”
Temperance shook her head. “What I got was Trevor. The first time he took me, I cried so hard. The pain was terrible. I angered him once when I attacked him with a fork. I scratched his cheek and he chained me to a tree for days. Then he put me to work with the servants. He kept me there, raping me when he took the notion, even if there were people around, until you came back. When you came back, he moved me into the house to try to make you believe he was a good husband. I assume he didn’t think I would betray him.”
Silence fell again. Tanner didn’t fully trust himself to speak. He didn’t know the right thing to say. He didn’t want to offer her pity and he didn’t want to offer her sympathy. He didn’t believe that either would help her.
So, he just held her and he kissed her hair and he whispered how much he loved her. Temperance held him right back and Tanner swiped a tear from his own cheek before she could notice it.
“Temperance, can you make me a promise?” he whispered softly.
“What?”
“That you won’t do what you did on that balcony ever again. Please? I can’t lose you, Temp. I don’t care if you want to scream, yell, cry, or simply sit and stare for hours, I will gladly do any of those things with you. Just don’t ever take yourself away from me.”
“Tanner…”
“I know. I don’t have a right to ask that of you and I’m being selfish but, dammit, I think I have a right to be selfish now and then.”
“I’m sorry I did that, Tanner. No matter what I went through I never tried to do that before…” Temperance’s shame was plain to hear.
Tanner put his finger on her cheek and tipped her head so that she was looking in his eyes. He loved her eyes and they appeared an even deeper shade of green thanks to her recent tears. “We are all allowed to break, Temp. Just don’t do something so permanent as killing yourself.”
“It’s just that yesterday was such a good day,” Temperance ground out with frustration. “I thought I was getting better and then this morning I had a meltdown. And I had it right in front of Jackson and scared him so badly. I just want to be better, Tanner! I just want to be the person I could have been if Yancy and Trevor had never happened to me.”
“No,” Tanner shook his head. “You’re going to be a stronger person because of them. You’re going to be better because of your pain. You are a survivor and nothing in this world can stop you, Temperance. Now you have Wilma and Felix and everyone else who works here that loves you. You have Jackson. You have me. None of this would be yours if they hadn’t happened. You have to make peace with your past, so that you can really enjoy your future…”
“Wow….” Temperance bit her lip. “Did you come up with that last bit because it’s quite nice.”
Tanner smiled. “I wish I could say I did but it’s actually something I heard in the war.”
Temperance nodded and snuggled closer to him. Tanner couldn’t believe she was letting him hold her this way and he didn’t know when the opportunity would present itself again so he was determined to soak it up.
After a long while there was a knock on the door. “Mommy? Daddy? Are you okay? I want to go ride my pony now.”
Tanner sighed and rose to his feet before setting Temperance on hers. “That promise I asked you to make…” he whispered.
Temperance nodded and put her hand on his cheek, “I promise. And Tanner?”
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“Thank you. Thank you for just listening. I never have told all of that to anyone before.”
Tanner smiled and kissed her brow gently. “Thank you for trusting me with it.”
“My pony is lonely,” Jackson’s voice came again and Temperance’s light laughter filled the room and all the empty cracks in Tanner’s soul.
“We better get to the pony,” she urged.
Tanner nodded in agreement. “Nothing worse than a lonely pony.”
Chapter Forty-Three
Days passed quickly and became weeks. Temperance stood in the sunlight beside the porch and felt the warm rays caressing her skin. It had been two weeks since the morning, which Temperance had nearly made the biggest mistake of her life. Two weeks since she had nearly done the most shameful and selfish thing a person could and taken her own life.
Two very hard weeks.
Two weeks of truly facing her past. Of thinking about it, analyzing it and trying to find ways to use it to strengthen herself instead of cripple her. She had spent so long trying to bury it, forget it, pretend it hadn’t happened… and of course that hadn’t been possible.
Because it had happened. It had happened to her and it had hurt. She had watched her entire family die while she’d been all alone. She had been forced to dig those holes and bury them herself. She had been tricked and kidnapped by Yancy. He and his men had forced themselves on her, beaten, and starved her nearly to death. She had been taken to market and poked, prodded, examined, and bid on as if she were nothing but a cow at auction. Trevor had bought her, brought her here, beaten, and raped her on a daily basis for a long time. She had watched him slit the throat of one of her friends and he had allowed his friends to rape her before whipping her nearly to death.
Those things had happened.
But other things had happened to--things that wouldn’t have happened if not for those things. Temperance had friends here. Wilma, Sophia, Felix, Sarah, and Millie were her friends. She had a son that she loved with all her heart. A son that needed her and depended on her.
And she had Tanner.
Tanner was the most unexpected positive event of her life. She had known all along that there was a chance she would get with child, she had known she’d meet new people, but to think that a man, a good man, would fall in love with her? Temperance had neve
r imagined that possible.
She had thought herself too weak, too dirty, too broken… Tanner didn’t see any of those things when he looked at her and slowly, Temperance was beginning to see them less.
She heard her son laughing and turned toward the pony corral to see Tanner and Jackson putting Storm through his paces. She made her way toward them, but when she reached the corral, she realized two of the workers were there as well and she froze.
Silas and Gary saw her and they quickly went to walk away, but Tanner called for them to stop. Temperance swallowed hard. Why would he make them stay? The five men that worked here, other than Felix, knew to leave if she entered a room, barn or corral they were in…. It had been that way for five years.
“Mister Tanner, we don’t mind findin’ somethin’ else to do,” Gary insisted.
“No,” Tanner smiled comfortingly at Temperance who was working very hard to keep from turning and running the other way. “You have work to do. Temperance doesn’t mind if you finish.”
“Tanner…” Temperance warned.
“Temp, they need to fix the weak spots in the corral. You don’t mind do you? It’ll make it safer for Jackson while he practices his trick riding.”
“Of course not,” Temperance was disappointed. She had hoped to watch Tanner and Jackson, maybe even help a little. Now, she was going to be trapped in the house.
She turned to walk away but Tanner launched himself over the corral fence and jogged to her. He took her arm gently and caressed her wrist with his thumb. Temperance no longer stiffened at such contact from him. Instead, she felt that spark of passion trying desperately to rekindle itself. If only Temperance knew how…
“Where are you going?” he asked quietly so that no one would overhear.
“In the house. I understand they have to work…”
“Why does that mean you have to be inside? Jackson and I would like for you to stay out here with us. He wants to show his mommy what he’s learning. You spend too much time locked up inside, Temp.”
“I can’t, Tanner…”
“What?” Tanner’s brow quirked up and Temperance let out an exasperated sigh. Any time she ever said she couldn’t do something it caused Tanner to get this way. The man seemed so sure she could face anything…
“I’m scared to be around them,” Temperance whispered. Voicing her own fears seem to give them more power somehow.
Tanner glanced over at Silas and Gary and then smiled when his gaze came back to her. “They’re harmless, Temp. Like a couple of ol’ hound dogs.”
“Tanner, this isn’t a joke,” Temperance scolded.
“I’m not laughing,” he assured her. “But those men have been here since before you were here. They have been here every day since Trevor died. Have they ever tried to hurt you? Because if they have, tell me and I’ll deal with that right here and now.”
Temperance could hear the threat in his voice. While he seemed certain that they hadn’t ever offended Temperance, he also seemed more than willing to make them pay dearly, probably with their lives, if they had.
“No,” Temperance quickly shook her head. “No, they’ve never done anything out of turn. It’s just…”
“You can’t blame everybody else for what those men did, Temp. I know it’s hard to believe given what you went through but there’s not really a monster hiding behind every corner. Most men are good, or at least decent.”
Temperance wanted to argue and tell him he was wrong but she forced herself to think with her logic instead of her fear. Tanner was right. These men had been on the plantation longer than she had and never once had they ever tried to do her a bit of harm. As a matter of fact, they went out of their way to avoid her just to ensure she wouldn’t have an attack of anxiety.
“Okay,” she whispered.
Tanner nodded. “Okay.”
Temperance swallowed hard and felt her heart beating faster and more erratically against her ribs. She felt those familiar feelings of panic creeping in as she prepared to walk toward that corral and the two men who were standing there appearing as if they’d rather be anywhere else.
Temperance was about to say she couldn’t do it--that she couldn’t take this step, but then Tanner’s hand slid into hers and his fingers entwined themselves around her fingers. She suddenly felt more grounded and secure.
“Come on, Temp. I got ya,” he assured her gently.
Temperance nodded and followed alongside Tanner as he led her back to the corral. She knew that she was clutching at his hand with near desperation but she couldn’t help herself. His hand in hers and his presence so close was all that was keeping her from turning and racing back into the protection of the house.
Tanner led Temperance to the corral fence and they stood side by side and watched Jackson. “Mommy, watch what I can do!” he exclaimed as he urged Storm into a faster trot and wove the pony around a set of posts that Tanner had placed inside the corral.
“That’s really good,” Temperance admitted, though her full attention wasn’t on her son, she was also keeping an eye on the working men.
Tanner nudged her gently and kissed her hair. “You don’t have to worry about them, Temp. I will not let anything happen to you ever again. Do you understand? I couldn’t protect you when you first came here and I failed at protecting you later but I won’t let you be hurt again. These men mean you no harm.”
His words were quiet and only for her ears. Temperance shook her head as she gazed up into his blue gray eyes. “Tanner, I’ve never blamed you for what happened. Why do you blame yourself?”
Tanner just shook his head and nodded toward Jackson. “Let’s just watch Jackson.”
Temperance turned her gaze back to the boy but her mind was now on Tanner. He seemed so strong, so sure of himself and so intent on helping her that it was easy for Temperance to forget that he was struggling himself.
He struggled with the past abuse that haunted him and he struggled with the death of his brother. Temperance made a vow to herself then and there that she would be stronger for him and help him the way that he worked so hard to help her.
Temperance wasn’t the only one who needed someone to lean on, Tanner did too.
Chapter Forty-Four
“It’s nice to get you alone for awhile,” Tanner admitted as he and Temperance strolled together through the barn. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Jackson something fierce, but I’ve been craving having you to myself.”
Temperance nodded. “It is nice,” she agreed. Jackson had gone into town with Wilma and a few of the workers. They had asked if Temperance and Tanner wanted to accompany them but Temperance had refused and Tanner had decided to stay with her instead of pushing her into going.
It had surprised her at the time but now she realized it was because he had wanted to have her alone… That thought would have terrified her just one short month ago but Tanner had been back for four full weeks now and Temperance had come a long way in that time. Just yesterday she had gone into the barn alone while three of the workers had been in there. She had wanted to tend to a few of her favorite horses and while she’d shaken like a leaf for the first few minutes she’d been in that enclosed space with them, she had done it and she was proud.
“You’ve done a real good job with this place, Temp,” Tanner admitted. “These horses are some of the nicest working horses I’ve seen. They’re all broad and stout and strong.”
“Horses became my focus the last few years. I love working with them and I’ve overseen all the breeding to try to make our horses the best I can.”
“You’ve done that job well,” Tanner reached out and ran his hand over the flank of a breeding male named Rogue. His offspring were proving to be some of the best horseflesh that Temperance--or anyone else, had ever seen.
“I felt safe with the horses… I felt as if I could trust them when I trusted no one else,” Temperance admitted.
“I’m glad you had them,” Tanner smiled warmly. “I’m glad they were able to gi
ve you some peace of mind.”
Temperance nodded and nuzzled a young colt’s neck. He let out a snort and stepped closer to her. “I admit I had ulterior motives for wanting to spend some time alone with you today,” she stated without turning her gaze to Tanner.
Tanner coughed and then cleared his throat loudly. “What kind of motives were those?”
“To talk about you.”
“What about me?” Tanner questioned with surprise.
Temperance sighed and stepped away from the young colt. She looked up into Tanner’s eyes and bit her lip. “You have spent the last few weeks so focused on me and everything that I have needed and I think it’s time that we focused on you.”
“Temperance, I’m fine,” Tanner shook his head. “I’m here with you and Jackson and…”
“I deserve better than that from you,” Temperance warned.
Tanner’s blue gray eyes narrowed slightly. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I deserve better than to be lied to.”
Tanner sighed with defeat. “I am not going to add stress to you, Temp. You don’t need to be worrying yourself about me.”
Temperance glared up at him and then turned on her heel and began to walk away. She was angry. She wanted to help Tanner and he was treating her as if she were a child. Tanner quickly came around her and stopped her in her tracks. She looked up at him and marveled at just how much taller and more broad his frame was than hers.
“Temp, please don’t walk away from me angry,” he pleaded.
Temperance could see the guilt in his eyes and it caused her temper to fade. “Then let me in, Tanner,” she replied, using the very words he had used with her. “You won’t step on the front porch, you sleep outside even during storms, your nightmares seem to be growing worse and just yesterday you nearly turned around and shot Silas when he entered the barn and dropped that board…”
Against Her Will Page 20
